getting over someone by getting under someone else?

[saturnreturn]

Apparently this is not always a great idea.

My ex and I have been apart for over seven months--the hardest months of my life--after a 4 year relationship. Letting him go is the hardest thing I have ever done, and I don't think I am 100% there yet.

A couple of months back I met this man on a show I was working on and we kind of clicked. He was very flirtatious and so was I and it felt so nice to feel alive again around a man. It was a ver positive feeling. Well this week I had him over for dinner and we finally acted on all that built-up sexual tension. Having sex with him was a huge deal for me--for the first time since the break up I allowed myself to let go. He was so incredibly nice, attentive, showering me with compliments... We had this amazing connection. And now, awkwardness. Now the show is done and I don't know if I'll see him again. Everything is unclear and I feel terrible, like maybe he saw my desperation and freaked out, or maybe he just wanted sex. Or I was too forthcoming and overwhelming. Most of all I am thinking that with my ex and I this was never an issue: I always felt safe with him.

Christmas is in 3 days and I miss him like hell.

Does this mean I am not ready to date (or whatever that was) yet?

And if so, when will I get over all of this and be able to detach myself from all of these feelings?

And thoughts and experiences welcome.

[Robert013]

If by having sex with this person has made you miss your ex i would say you are not ready to be having sex with this person. This does not mean you are not ready to date. It is natural to miss an ex after your first sexual encounter after the break. If you didn't feel guilty when having sex then you are okay.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You were used to having sex within the confines of a relationship...so there was security there. You felt safe and loved. What you had now was simply a roll between the sheets, no strings attached...that's why you are feeling like this...because there is no security...no relationship. Do not confuse not being ready to date with not being ready to have random sex. You certainly can be ready to date and build a solid relationship with someone ultimately leading to sex once a committed relationship has been established. What you did was simply have sex with someone...acting purely on lust impulses....that is why you are left feeling so empty and unsure.

[saturnreturn]

You were used to having sex within the confines of a relationship...so there was security there. You felt safe and loved. What you had now was simply a roll between the sheets, no strings attached...that's why you are feeling like this...because there is no security...no relationship. Do not confuse not being ready to date with not being ready to have random sex. You certainly can be ready to date and build a solid relationship with someone ultimately leading to sex once a committed relationship has been established. What you did was simply have sex with someone...acting purely on lust impulses....that is why you are left feeling so empty and unsure.

 

You're probably right. I guess I am just confused because I didn't think it was pure sex, I felt like we really had a connection. This is someone I saw regularly for months and really got to know, not just some random guy I picked up one night in a bar. He made me feel beautiful and safe and I probably projected all of these feelings onto him. Now I feel empty and unsure, just like you said.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You're probably right. I guess I am just confused because I didn't think it was pure sex, I felt like we really had a connection. This is someone I saw regularly for months and really got to know, not just some random guy I picked up one night in a bar. He made me feel beautiful and safe and I probably projected all of these feelings onto him. Now I feel empty and unsure, just like you said.

 

 

You may have gotten to know him but there was no committed relationship. Knowing someone for several months and having a connection is not at all the same as having a connection with someone while also being in a committed relationship with them. I know when people travel around Europe and link up with fellow travelers and travel together...you set up some kind of comraderie with them...but it is still risky to leave your belongings with them while you go to the bathroom...because there is really no commitment to stick around together...they could just simply walk off with your belongings. On the other hand, when you take an organized bus tour for two weeks...there is a commitment to the people who are on your tour...there is a sense of security that you can leave your belongings with them when you go off to the bathroom because they are committed to the two week bus tour and are not going to disappear off the face of the earth with your belongings. Same kind of thing with sex within a committed relationship vs sex with someone you know but with whom you are not in any kind of committed relationship...they can disappear more easily without feeling bad...using the excuse that it was just two people who were attracted to each other having some fun.

[keefy1972]

You sound like, having just gone through the rejection of a breakup, that you are now fearing the same thing with the guy you had sex with. It's normal to question yourself when you have sex with someone for the first time. Especially when it's the first time after a break up. All of your fears of rejection come back in a landslide.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about not being "ready". If you weren't really ready then you wouldn't have slept with the guy. If anything, I think it's proof you're ready to move on with your life and that's a great thing. Whether it works out with this guy or not, well, it's not that big of a deal. If it doesn't, you just dust yourself off and say, "Okay, that's just another step closer to being over my ex".

[DaBladeRoden]

I approve of this thread's title

[saturnreturn]

You sound like, having just gone through the rejection of a breakup, that you are now fearing the same thing with the guy you had sex with. It's normal to question yourself when you have sex with someone for the first time. Especially when it's the first time after a break up. All of your fears of rejection come back in a landslide.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about not being "ready". If you weren't really ready then you wouldn't have slept with the guy. If anything, I think it's proof you're ready to move on with your life and that's a great thing. Whether it works out with this guy or not, well, it's not that big of a deal. If it doesn't, you just dust yourself off and say, "Okay, that's just another step closer to being over my ex".

 

Thanks for this. You hit the nail on the head, all of my feelings came flooding back... I feel very confused, like I miss my ex but I also miss this new guy. I spent the two days following our evening together trying to read him, figure out what he wants and pretty much came up short. Yesterday after the show we said goodbye. That's it. And I guess that's normal, one night together does not a relationship make. I guess I just caught caught up in the moment and now I feel pretty rejected, like you said. And it's almost like this small rejecttion is bringing up my bigger rejection and the loss of my relationship with the ex.

Oh boy. I think next time I will think twice before jumping into bed with someone I like.

[waveseer]

The replacement method has never ever worked for me, not when I really care about my ex. In fact, it doesn't even get that far because a kiss or a touch from the new person repulses me (as if I were still in the expired relationship). I finally concluded that it's an unfair way to treat both myself and the new person and will not make that mistake again.

 

Some people swear by it though, so I don't know what's up with that.

[keefy1972]

Thanks for this. You hit the nail on the head, all of my feelings came flooding back... I feel very confused, like I miss my ex but I also miss this new guy.

 

You feel confused because you aren't sure who you want to obsess over more. I say that in jest but I think there is a tinge of truth in that if you think about it.

[lonely rose]

Thanks for this. You hit the nail on the head, all of my feelings came flooding back... I feel very confused, like I miss my ex but I also miss this new guy. I spent the two days following our evening together trying to read him, figure out what he wants and pretty much came up short. Yesterday after the show we said goodbye. That's it. And I guess that's normal, one night together does not a relationship make. I guess I just caught caught up in the moment and now I feel pretty rejected, like you said. And it's almost like this small rejecttion is bringing up my bigger rejection and the loss of my relationship with the ex.

Oh boy. I think next time I will think twice before jumping into bed with someone I like.

 

I understand what you feel about this new guy, I also met somebody this summer that I clicked with, we hang out a lot and one night we had sex. It was a big step for me because I was a virgin (he did not know that) and 5 months later I still blame myself for waiting for so long to be with someone and then sleeping with a guy who apparently did not care much about me (it was not a one night stand but we were apart for a month and he found a girlfriend). Like your guy I knew this person for a couple of months. I felt rejected too and only time can heal your heart.

[ryan2000]

i've tried it.

 

Somebody told me it really helps to move on.

 

Tried it with 6 different girls in the past 5 months.................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IT DOESN'T WORK!

 

No, scrap that........... It works...........but only if you want it to.

 

I did not. My emmotions are still caught up elsewhere.