if you love someone... set them free?

[LAYAAN]

a little BKG - man matched with me on EH. I closed the match, he persisted, "keep dating other men, but keep talking to me" so I agreed to talk and get to know him just as a person. I have been in touch with him (he is 3 hrs air travel away) through email n phone conversations. We like talking to each other and seems like we are on same page (Both of us have said it openly to one another). Both of us have wondered if this could be something (He said it openly, I haven't yet).

Situation - Now, he had been on 6 dates with a girl that he really likes. But he told me last evening that the girl has been giving him mixed messages. He also shared that he needs to have 'the talk' with her now. They live in same city so they can meet often. He said "She is gone for 2 weeks to her sister's place. Why don't you join me for Xmas?" I said "well, if you've already gone on 6 dates with her, I would rather not come to see you now. You straighten things out with her first since you have invested quite some time there. We haven't even met yet. I can hold on." He asked me "why are you not afraid of losing me? I don't like that you are not jealous at all, that you are not aggressive."

I don't want to confuse the guy at this time when he is trying to figure things out with the other girl. But I'm not sure if I should go or not. What to do?

Thank you for your input.

[High5girl]

You don't want to confuse the guy?

What are you supposed to do flip out and go crazy over him taking some other girl out on 6 dates? Sure, if you did that, you would be accused of being psycho.

 

I'm confused, aren't you two supposed to be dating?

[LAYAAN]

You don't want to confuse the guy?

What are you supposed to do flip out and go crazy over him taking some other girl out on 6 dates? Sure, if you did that, you would be accused of being psycho.

I'm confused, aren't you two supposed to be dating?

What? I'm sorry, I didn't get what you are saying. No, we are not dating. We were talking n emailing each other just as friends. It did not start with an intention to get to know him as a partner. He said why don't we stay in touch n get to know each other? I said okay n followed along. We haven't seen each other in person yet. So, he wanted to meet to see if he should go exclusive with the other girl or start dating me.

[High5girl]

This guy sounds like a jerk. Sorry, but he wants you to boost his ego by getting jealous over him taking some other girl out? Then wants to meet in person to decide whether he likes you or her better? It's kinda of difficult to work on one relationship when there's 3 ppl involved.

In the end, one of you isn't going to win. Someone might end up hurt. Hopefully it's not you, If were me personally, I would walk away.

[android]

I dont get this... Why did he say "why are you not afraid of losing me? I don't like that you are not jealous at all, that you are not aggressive." I mean, if you peoplewere just friends over phone lines and emails, i dont get why he has to ask you something like that. I get the feeling he's cooking this 6 date thing with another girl.

[High5girl]

Android...meh thinks he's either cooking the story or he's just looking for someone to boost his ego.

[annie24]

too much drama! besides - he can come and visit YOU!!! i think he sounds messed up. my 2 cents.

[veda999]

I dont get this... Why did he say "why are you not afraid of losing me? I don't like that you are not jealous at all, that you are not aggressive." I mean, if you peoplewere just friends over phone lines and emails, i dont get why he has to ask you something like that. I get the feeling he's cooking this 6 date thing with another girl.

Cooking? you mean lying about another girl to make her jealous? Why would a man do that? He would shoot himself in the foot if he does. When a man starts talking about other woman I am out of there. But I guess you understand the male mind better than me. Please explain to me why a man would talk about having another girl to a girl he is interested in. It would seem to me that when a man starts talking about other women he is giving you a hint to leave him alone. I am confused!!

[android]

as in he made it up to know how you will react...

[nutbrownhare]

Stick by your original guns! Your response that he's already been on six dates with her and needs to straighten things out with her, etc, sounds absolutely spot on - it's straightforward and realistic - you haven't met him yet.

 

His response to you sounds extremely manipulative and calculating. If he doesn't like the fact that you aren't fighting over him - please, ask yourself, who's got the problem?

 

It also sounds like you'll be a bit of a fill-in while his girlfriend is away. You need to make up your own mind, but frankly I wouldn't touch this one with someone else's bargepole!

[heaven66]

I dont get this... Why did he say "why are you not afraid of losing me? I don't like that you are not jealous at all, that you are not aggressive." I mean, if you peoplewere just friends over phone lines and emails, i dont get why he has to ask you something like that. I get the feeling he's cooking this 6 date thing with another girl.

 

I 2nd that..im totally confused....and im not even blonde....SORRY IT WAS JUST A JOKE!!!!!!!!!!

[android]

Well let me say that I don’t want to depress the OP… OP, these are just speculations, pls do not take them as an offence…

 

You know, he might be trying to find out how interested she is in him. And also an ego boost as someone here has already mentioned. With what he said, it’s evident that he wants her crazy over him and wants her jealous. Anyone who is quite serious with someone else will not want a girl to be crazy over him. Unless he intends to play with both or he might be a little of a despo… In a way, the OP’s so called ‘SO’ seems to want to make it obvious to her that he is honest and that’s why he is being truthful about his feelings for another girl. He may be shooting himself in the feet but the OP has taken it in a positive sense I guess as in him being frank and stuff. If I’d make a comment like that to a girl, I’d have had a strong relation with her, not just phone calls and emails, and then I would bother about her being jealous and stuff.

[android]

well thats what i meant... what do u think veda999 ? Are we going a bit too far in thinking there? I dont want to impose my thoughts on the OP. It happens sometimes on ena. Its her happiness thats important after all.

[LAYAAN]

too much drama! besides - he can come and visit YOU!!! i think he sounds messed up. my 2 cents.

He did say he can come visit me. I declined every invitation once he told me about the other girl.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate it.

Wow, I'm surprised that you all would say the same thing. It never occurred to me.

You say there is drama, okay, but isn't that what dating is? You can date 10 people non-exclusively, right? I won't do that as I know I can't handle letting my mind torn in >1 direction. When I pointed out to him, he said "Yes, I've been on 6 dates with her but I was never never exclusive with her. So why should it bother you? I shouldn't have mentioned this. But I did b'coz I wanted to be honest about who I was dating."

[laisla]

don't go to him. he just doesn't want to be alone for those two weeks.

he's sending YOU mixed messages, yet he's complaining about another girl sending him mixed messages...ha!....don't fall for it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Anybody who tries to make the other person jealous is not a person who is a good bet for a relationship. Anyone who needs a raging jealous partner in order to feel loved is majorly insecure and big trouble. Stable relationships are about trust, security and minimal drama. Unstable relationships are full game playing insecurity, jealousy and high drama. I would end interaction with this guy...he has now shown you his true colours.

[annie24]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I appreciate it.

Wow, I'm surprised that you all would say the same thing. It never occurred to me.

You say there is drama, okay, but isn't that what dating is? You can date 10 people non-exclusively, right? I won't do that as I know I can't handle letting my mind torn in >1 direction. When I pointed out to him, he said "Yes, I've been on 6 dates with her but I was never never exclusive with her. So why should it bother you? I shouldn't have mentioned this. But I did b'coz I wanted to be honest about who I was dating."

 

no - i don't think dating is about drama. i think that dating is about trying to meet someone who is a good match for you. already he makes you feel 'uncomfortable' by telling you about this other woman he is seeing, and after 6 dates, probably getting more serious with - and then wants to canoodle with you while she is out of town. i mean, ick.

 

to boot, he lives 3 hours away!!! by air!!!! for me, all these things would be deal breakers. i understand that people online might be dating several at the same time, but i think the way he is coming accross is really icky.

 

the fact that you have to go online and ask US if we think you should continue with him should set off some alarm signals. when you meet a decent guy, in your city, would you even bother to start a thread about whether you should meet him at starbucks?

 

like Mun (a moderator from way back in the day) told me once..... "You're writing a post about a guy you haven't even MET yet!" i mean - that's a red flag, if i've ever seen one.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you for your replies. I wasn't thinking this way at all. Thanks for pointing these things out to me.

okay, I get the 'personality problem with jealousy' issue.

But what he has been doing, isn't that what American way of dating is? People here date non-exclusively, so if I'm getting it right, you can date >1 person non-exclusively and not share anything about the other person with them, right?

[annie24]

yes, it's definitely typical to date several people at the same time, especially if you have met on an online dating site. it's not like you are the only one he is emailing on there. but seriously tinu - don't you think you can do better?

 

how did you feel when he told you about this girl and her being out of town and him wanting you to visit him then? didn't that make you a bit sick?

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Annie24.

Yes, I agree with you.

No, I didn't mean to say dating should bring drama in a person's life. (though the arrangement of words gave that meaning)

[annie24]

i mean - yeah, of course, in dating, there's a certain amount of .... well.... uncertainty where you stand, if this is the right guy, of course...... but i think it's ok to nix people this early in the game. for me, the combination of the distance + this other woman + him wanting you to be jealous i would close that match. that was your first instinct afterall, right?

[android]

tinu. Its not about dating more people. Its about him mentioning to you that he didnt like you not being jealous over him. He might have other things on his mind. Who knows what? There maybe a lot of things that he says that make you feel he's a good guy, but i guess you wouldnt want to get hurt further with such things... I suggest you find someone else,and thank god you're not that close. His intentions, whatever they are, are not normal.

[LAYAAN]

yes, it's definitely typical to date several people at the same time, especially if you have met on an online dating site. it's not like you are the only one he is emailing on there. but seriously tinu - don't you think you can do better? I don't know Annie. I'm trying to hang on and every guy that comes my way, I'm praying through every decision, whether its meeting a man, calling a man, closing the match, whatever. I wrote in my journal the other day. I'm at an age where some of my friends have settled. Some of my friends ran away and got married. Some are thinking of going against their family and getting married, I'm the only one left. I pray to God everytime to help me go by his decision and not give up and settle. But its a hard fight. I don't know if I can do any better b'coz the quality of men thrown my way is not what I really want but I sometimes wonder, is waiting gonna get me better quality?

how did you feel when he told you about this girl and her being out of town and him wanting you to visit him then? didn't that make you a bit sick? It certainly did. I had a line about that in my original post. But I took it out. It made me feel like I'm a coward, stealing a piece of cake when the owner is away for a min. and thats why I said to him that I don't want to stir the matter at this time. If he goes away fine. and after reading these posts, I'm actually feeling very yucky about myself.

[LAYAAN]

i mean - yeah, of course, in dating, there's a certain amount of .... well.... uncertainty where you stand, if this is the right guy, of course...... but i think it's ok to nix people this early in the game. for me, the combination of the distance + this other woman + him wanting you to be jealous i would close that match. that was your first instinct afterall, right?

yes, my immediate reaction was "this doesn't sound right". We did talk about the distance issue. He said "I'll move to CA once we decide something about a relationship. Don't worry about it."