How did it come to this?

[secretlover]

I'm not gonna give you the full story. I don't have any yearning to relive all of it again but the cut and dry version of the matter is as follows...

 

A few years ago, a girl broke my heart. Took me a long time to get over it. At least a year. I vowed that I wouldn't let a girl get close again until I knew that I could trust her.

 

I started to date excessively, becoming a bit of a * * * * . After awhile I started to get a reputation as just that. Dates them, sleeps with them, dumps them. That wasn't what I was trying to do. But I couldn't open up to another girl - not again, not properly, so they walked. And I was left alone.

 

Now I walk into a room at Uni and introduce myself and I get "yes, I've heard all about you," in a flirty manner. But that's not what I wanted. Not at all. I was looking for love - I didn't want to become like this.

 

There was a party tonight - everyone was going. Except me - I wasn't invited. The party was hosted by one of my exes. So tonight, I'm sat here - while all my friends are out, and I'm on my own.

 

And I've had enough. The reputation was okay for awhile - now it's making me sad. I don't want to be like this anymore.

[ErikT]

Are you sure that is what your reputation is, or was a single occasion/single comment with (as you said) flirtatious overtones?

 

It is your actions, not your thoughts that define you. Unfortunately, you now have to overcome your reputation.

 

"I used to be like that, but I've changed," might be the response. Unless you change your actions to alter your reputation, you will always have the reputation.

 

For what it is worth....

[nutbrownhare]

It'll take a little while for a reputation to change (if you actually have that reputation!), but if you want to be seen a certain way - start behaving that way.

 

Before you can really start to open up to somebody else, you need to be comfortable in your own skin, and in your own company. In other words, to have a healthy relationship you need to like being single. The dating excessively sounds like a desperate effort to fill a gap left by the loss of your girlfriend and, as you've discovered - it just doesn't work. In fact, because you haven't really given yourself a chance to grieve, it will take longer before you trust someone else cos of all the baggage from the previous relationship.

 

Take time to get to know girls before you bed them - this gives you more time to assess whether they're trustworthy or not, and tells them you respect them. Try to get to know girls as friends; if you already have female friends, tell them about your feelings. All very vulnerable-making, I know, but you've tried protecting yourself and it didn't work.

 

Finally, I do feel for you. Sitting around alone while all your friends are partying sounds total ****. But if you can use the time to work out how you're going to change the situation which got you here in the first place - at least it shouldn't happen again.

 

Good luck!