Battling Myself: Shep's Tale

[shep88ner]

Ive never really had a journal or diary or whatever before because i never really understood why people felt it necessary to broadcast their problems on a regular basis. i know now.

 

in the past, i have posted threads explaining my relationship with ashley. i was warned from the beginning to turn and run because this girl was no good. ENA users told me day in and day out to leave before i got hurt and i stayed anyway...and still to my surprise, ive been hurt worse than i ever have been.

 

i need this journal so that i have someone to talk to. i can no longer have ashley to talk to about my pain and i was hoping that if i told all of you my problems instead that i can still get it all out and no jeopardize anything. it not 100% important that people respond i guess, but it would just be nice to have some reassurance or something while im fighting this. here's what's going on in my life:

 

 

me and ashley dated for nearly 3 years (3 years on jan. 6). back in May we broke up because we went to different schools and she started dating another guy. they fooled around and when i found out about this i was devastated. i told her it was over for good, no matter what. and like a chump i didn't leave. she swore she had changed and that she was sorry for what had happened, and for some reason i believed her. a week later...1 week later i repeat...she went to France on a trip with her french class. she ended up meeting a guy there that was on the trip with them and came back and had a brief relationship with him as well. both of these times she didnt tell me about the guys and she was telling me how much she loved me

 

so...what did i do? i stayed with her of course!

 

things calmed down and summer came. i came home from college and the summer went very well. she graduated high school and was accepted to another college about 40 minutes from mine. it started out well and then i noticed that my calls were coming later and later, the texts she was sending me were shorter and shorter, and some nights we wouldnt talk at all which is something that had never happened in our 3 years. so i called her on it and we ended up getting in a huge fight. our two schools were set to play our rivalry football game and she was going to come to my school for it. i called her that morning and she told me she didn't want to come anymore and that she just wanted to hang out with her friends there at school- all after i bought her the $35 ticket.

 

so after this incident about the game i told her again that i was just done with her for good- wrong again. however, we didn't talk for about 2 weeks and then she came back texting me and calling me and i was too weak to keep away. we started to talk and hang out again and all seemed to be going normally again. she then started drinking heavily. the girl that i knew couldn't finish 1 beer and now she was at college literally chugging vodka. she'd called me hammered out of her mind at all hours of the night, and i decided it was all over again- wrong.

 

so we talked all the way up until last week. i found out that she had dated yet another guy at school and was making out with him. i again told her it was over and again i was wrong. she swore she had changed and she swore to never hurt me again. she dumped this guy and told him it was because she still loved me which made me feel much better about it all. then 2 nights ago she tells me that she in fact kissed 2 guys, not just the 1. this hurt so bad and i was so ready to try to end it again.

 

which brings me to last night and why i'm here....

 

i sign on to her facebook page and she has a current convo going with this danny kid (the guy she dated there at school). she kept saying, "im so sorry, i didnt mean for this to happen!" and all this. then he asked her, "does bryan know everything that happened with me and you? and tyler?" my hear sank and she said, "no...i dont think i ever will. it will hurt him too bad"

 

here i am 20 years old, a junior in college, sitting in the living room with my dad and i start crying. i fight back tears long enough to get upstairs and i call her and ask her about it. she tells me that she accidentally had sex with both of them. she said she was drunk both times and that she didnt even remember tyler. what makes it worse is that these 2 guys are roommates. she slept with one on one weekend and slept with the other the next weekend.

 

my heart shattered into a million pieces. i have never in my life done anything with any other girl since i've known her. ive been loyal and faithful 100% of the way. i was honest with her, true to her, and i gave that girl the world. and this is my thank you for 3 years of pain. and i know the reason i stay- i feel that i wont be able to find a new girl. i dont think i will find another girlfriend that will love me or care for me. ashley is the only girl ive ever dated seriously and it was all luck. i just lack the confidence that i can find another girl.

 

she's been begging for me to talk to her as usual, and i know that i cannot do this to myself anymore. i know i have to stand up for myself and actually leave. that is why i am here typing this. i want this thread/journal to serve as a my counseling help and to keep me on track. i'm going to come back and post a new update every so often to let you all know how im doing. if i feel im going to slip, i'll come back and seek the help i need from all of you. i hope this will keep me focused on this and i hope to never speak with this girl again after tonight.

 

thank you for reading and thank you in advance for your support.

 

 

 

you'll be hearing from me. wish me luck

 

 

 

-Shep

[shep88ner]

well here i am again. today we my final day to see ashley and i cant help but think i messed up yet again. every time she thinks im going to leave she uses sex as a way to keep me around because im not strong enough to say no. and well...tonight was no different.

 

i admit that i caved in and gave her exactly what she wanted. im not happy with myself over it and i cant help but to feel angry with myself. but in any case, i still stand by my decision that it is over for good starting tonight. i texted her after she went home and i told her that tonight was our final night, and she responded by saying no it wasnt and that no matter how long it took she'd win me back. she said, "whether is takes a day, a week, a month, or a year...im going to prove to you i've changed and that im bringing myself to your level. im a better person now and i will be a much better person later. although i believe this may be a long separation, i don't believe it's forever."

 

and my text back to that was simply, "goodbye ashley".

she texted me back saying, "no...bryan please. it's not forever"

 

and that was it.

 

the hard part starts tomorrow. i must fight myself and make sure i don't go running back to her. there are 2 songs that i listen to, both of which explain my life in every detail. the first one is "better in time" by leona lewis. and the second is "self-esteem" by the offspring. i'll listen to those songs over and over to forget her...just whatever it takes.

 

i also wrote a list of all the hurtful things she's done to me. my plan is to read the list whenever i start to miss her or have good thoughts about us. i did this once before and i was over her fairly quickly. we'll see how it goes this time.

 

i'll keep you all posted

[shep88ner]

ok...here i am again.

 

its still very early in this process of moving on from a very hurtful and very emotionally devastating relationship. although i made the claim that i would no longer talk to or see ashley after last night i had to see her one more time today. here's how the meeting went...

 

she's afraid that i'm going to sell the promise ring that i had given to her on ebay, so she took it out of my room without me knowing it. earlier today i noticed it was missing and immediately called her. she said she had it and i drove to her house right then a there. she came outside and kept saying, "dont sell it. please!" and i just kept saying, "just give me the ring". once she handed it to me i just walked past her towards my car without a word. she stood there and said, "seriously???" and i ignored her. after she realized i wasn't going to turn around she chased after me and said my name in a much more sad tone. she met me at the door to my car and said, "do i even get a hug?" and i looked at her and said, "hell no you don't get a hug...is that a joke?" she just stood there and said in a sad voice..."please..." and i just got in my car and left.

 

she texted me about an hour later and told me to not buy a new GPS because the one that she had given to me (i told her to take it back and keep it because i didn't want it anymore) would be returned to me, and i ignored it.

 

 

the reason im here right now is because every 30 minutes i've checked my phone waiting for another text or call. i left my phone in my room so that i wouldn't know she wasnt texting me. i run up here every so often and it hurts me that she hasn't messaged me or anything. it makes it so much harder when i dont even think she misses me. i want to know that this is hurting her too and that i'm not the only one going through this in this much pain.

 

i bought a book today. it's called "5 simple steps to emotional healing" some of you may have read my other post asking about it. i decided to give it a shot and i ordered it off the internet today. i hope to have it shortly and i'll let you all know about how it's working. i hope that reading that book alone will help because since i've been home ive realized how bored i am. i sit at home all day and i dont do anything that would take my mind off of her. all i do is sit around and think, and i hope this book takes up more of my time since im a super slow reader.

 

i also took my first major step (in my eye) of deleting every picture of us off of my facebook. if i liked how i looked in the pic, i cropped her out so that her face or name is nowhere on my page. this may seem petty and small, but for me being a collage age guy and her being a college freshman...being able to completely rid my page of her is a huge step for me...especially since my face is still all over her page.

 

 

 

have a good night everyone

[shep88ner]

well...today is the second full day in which i haven't talked to her (except that stupid ring incident which i believe i handled perfectly). on another thread on here someone told me about EFT and i found a site that has the technique on it. i have been using that a lot and i am amazed at how wonderfully it works! after i do it i get chills and it makes me smile and laugh.

 

today i am proud to say that i never once missed her and only thought about her very briefly. i felt very little pain today about it and overall i am much happier and accepting of my situation.

 

i do realize it has only been 2 days, but i can defiantly say that she doesn't stand a chance. i am much stronger than she thinks i am and she has no idea i have my secret weapon of EFT. i am completely at ease with all of this and she's going to be blown away at how well i'm taking this. i want nothing more than for her to start texting me and calling me wanting me to talk to her again...because right now she's trying to out-silence me. it's like an unspoken contest who can remain silent the longest and it's going to hit her hard when she gets nothing from me on christmas. if she hasn't caved in by then she certainly will shortly thereafter.

 

while it's only been 2 days i feel 100% confident about this and i am actually looking forward to moving on without her. i have more of a sense of pride in myself than i had before. on another thread i read on here, the woman said of her breakup, "it's not about getting over him, it's about working on myself" and i took that line and made a sign just above my doorknob in my room which reads, "it's not about getting over her, it's about working on yourself" and i read it every time i leave my room as a reminded to build myself up and be all that i can be because i deserve it. she's done wasting my time and my emotions; this is all about me, NOT her! she deserves nothing from me and im using all of that energy and focus to improve myself to heights i never before thought possible.

 

 

[shep88ner]

it seems kind of funny...last night i was so excited for what was next and i was so optimistic about this breakup, yet today was the worst day i've had so far. she's doing everything right to make me hurt worse...she's not texting and not calling. it may seem stupid because my plan is to ignore anything she sends me anyway, but i like that reassurance that she's thinking of me and missing me. when she doesn't text, doesn't call, it makes me think that she is completely ok with this and she's not thinking about me or missing us.

 

i did nothing today. nobody (not even friends) called me or texted me. i had one email all day from my friends back at school. i just sat in my house and listed to the cold wind blowing and it was so depressing. i told my parents i was going to go hang out with friends and i left the house to go on a drive. usually when i get super upset or depressed i go on long drives and just see where i end up. last week i even drove off an entire tank of gas and my drive took about 4 hours after it was all said and done.

 

i drove around and went to some stores (walmart, meijer) and just walked around and looked at nothing. i also learned that i feel the need to buy myself stuff whenever im hurt. so today i bought some teeth-whitening trays as a way to improve myself and to satisfy my urge to buy something. i couldn't stop thinking about the pain i was in and how much i just wanted a text from her saying anything at all. i guess in a way her holding strong is good. i don't have to think about her 100% of the time because my phone isnt ringing off the hook with her name coming up. but on the other hand, i want to know this is hurting her like it's hurting me.

 

i did that EFT technique a couple of times today and it seemed less effective than normal. it still helped yes, but not as well. i have become obsessed wit self-help books and remedies for emotional pain. no matter how hard this gets for me i will prevail and i will complete what i have started. although today was hard, i still stand by my original claim...she doesn't stand a chance. each day i get closer to being over her and being totally free of this pain. each day is a step and i want nothing more than the day when i can think back about all of this and laugh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

one day at a time......i'll get there one day

[shep88ner]

wow...im feeling pretty good at the moment.

 

i was downstairs watching Shawshank Redemption (amazing btw) and i had left my phone up in my room as i usually do. i just came back up here and before i checked my phone i stopped and told myself that i had no messages. i told myself that when i looked at my phone it would be blank and that it's a good thing that she's not messaging me. once i psyched myself up to look at it i finally did...and it said "one new message" i could feel my heart racing as i tried to talk myself out of it saying that it was probably one of my friends.

 

i checked it and it was her. it was a short, simple message that i received about 2 hours prior. she simply asked if i had just left my friends house (one of my best friends lives directly in front of her). just the fact that she heard a car that sounded like mine (loud muffler) and thought of me made me feel so good. it wasn't me that she heard, but the fact that she texted me and broke her silence is huge for me. the fact that i ignored her message makes it even better. i think that she'll text me every couple of days and say simple things to just see if i will crack. once that doesn't happen, and im dead silent on christmas she'll start to realize how serious i am. this text completely recharged my batteries in a sense...since i know she's still thinking about me at least a little bit.

 

since i let her walk all over me i want her to take me seriously. i let her push me around and manipulate me for 3 straight years and now that im standing up for myself and taking pride in myself it will shock her. she has no idea how focused i am on this and that i've bought an emotional healing book as well as looking up other self-help books every day. she has no idea that im endlessly working to forget about her with everything that i do. once i go back to school i wont be as bored and i'll have constant distractions from her. i'll be able to lift weights again and take any frustrations out in the gym, and i'll be able to finally talk to new girls and see what can happen.

 

this is my 3rd year of college. i have completed now 9 quarters worth of classes and i have never experienced college life from the eyes of a single man. this next quarter has the potential to be the most fun quarter of college yet!

[shep88ner]

me again. i dont know if anyone is even reading these messages but what the hell, it's nice to get this out every night. i think the root of my lingering pain is that im so bored here at home. i think once i go back to school i'll be able to forget about her more easily. i have my application in to an internship program in washington dc next fall which im really hoping i get approved for. i'll be able to meet a bunch of new girls and the best part is, they'll be more of the professional type which is both amazingly sexy and desirable.

 

 

as for ashley...**** her...for real.

 

 

tomorrow is christmas eve...i never thought i'd have another christmas without her. no matter how strong i am or how the image i portray about all this, a christmas without her is going to bring me to my knees. i'll be ok in front of my family...i can only imagine the sight once i get up to my room christmas night alone.

 

 

ashley is such a ****

 

 

 

that is all for tonight.

 

 

ps. feel free to comment if you wish. i wont bite lol

[shep88ner]

im going to slip. im going to give in tonight im afraid that she has gotten the best of me. as i have learned, all of my friends here in my hometown are flaky and fake. they are all jokes and i have had nobody to hang out with. all of my friends have changed on me: one of them is too "holy" to hang out with me anymore, another is all talk, another is drugged out now, and another one only talks to you if you're one of 2 people.

 

she still has her friends to hang out with and take her mind off of everything. i didnt mean to but i got on myspace and saw pics of her with the two guys she slept with. she's smiling so big and they have such smug ass looks on their faces i just want to beat them into the ground. same with her...i know it's so wrong to hit a woman and all this, and i really dont think i ever would, but i want to lay her out so bad right now. i can see it now...im walking up to her and she walks up towards me. she opens her mouth to say something and i just pull back and knock her out cold right where she stands.

 

i wouldn't ever do it. i was raised better than that and i dont even really like violence towards guys, but it's a calming fantasy i guess

 

i want her to hurt. i want her christmas to suck just like mine is going to. i want her in tears, i want to hear her crying, i want to see her swollen ass crying eyes looking up at me begging for me to come back to her. i want to look at her in the face and laugh...i just want her to feel what i'm feeling!

 

what the hell did i do so wrong in my life? i try to be the best guy i can be. i gave her the whole ******* world! every day for 3 ******* years i dedicated my life to her. i bought her everything, i took her places, i spent time on her, i listened to her, i comforted her, i cared for her. 3 years of giving my all for her and all it takes is for these 2 jokes to know her for 2 weeks and they both sleep with her...just like that.

 

why be nice? what does it matter if im nice to my next girlfriend? i watch my best friend in college treat his girlfriend like garbage. she doesn't **** unless he tells her to, she isn't allowed to make a decision on her own...even if it's what she's going to eat for dinner. it's all him, controller her life with every breath she takes. and she LOVES him. she wouldn't dare cheat on him or leave him. she wouldn't dare wrong him or hurt him. she wouldn't dare act selfishly or lie to him. so what does that tell me? my next girlfriend i need to walk on. my next girlfriend i need to spit on. she will do what i want, when i want her to do it. because treating a girl like you're "supposed" to only gets you ******* ***** that 2 other guys have already tore up.

 

it's a waste of time to be nice. all the jerk guys i know have amazingly beautiful girlfriends and they're all so nice and cool. all my nice friends i know have girlfriends that i can't stand to hang out with. why is that? why dont i save my money, save my time, save my energy, and protect my heart from this again by treating my next girlfriend like a piece of trash. im tired of playing this nice guy card and being such a "sweetie". no no no...im done being the cute one, or the sweet one. i need to be a straight up hardass and form my next girl into the woman I WANT her to be.

 

ashley has made me want to change who i am. this pain is surreal. i never thought i would ever experience pain this severe in my life. i have some beer on ice right now in my room so that i can just chug it all later. getting drunk by myself in my room on christmas eve...oh how beautiful relationships are...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

we have some liquor downstairs. maybe i'll grab a shot or 5 and then drink my beer. that way i'll pass out real fast tonight and be able to sleep without laying in my bed for 4 hours crying over her. i get to be drunk and my pain will seem almost like it doesn't matter anymore. the only problem is...when i drink my emotions are magnified by 100. if i think happy thoughts, i'll be 100x happier. but if i can't shake these feelings then i have no idea what tonight has in store for me. the last time i drank and thought of her i broke 2 doors and would have been arrested for public intoxication had one of my friends not violently pulled me back inside from trying to pick a fight with the neighbors.

 

i dont want another relationship. i just want random bimbos that i wake up next to and shoo out my door. i dont want to give my heart away ever again. i was perfectly happy before i met ashley. i was SO ******* happy with my life! and she came in and ****** it all up for me! now look at me! ive lost all my friends back home, im drinking to forget her, im crying every night, i cant sleep, i cant eat, and im feeling more and more violent the more i think of her. why couldn't she have just left me alone that night we met? i didnt even talk to her. i did even look at her. i didnt know her name and i was ok with that. SHE spoke to me. SHE flirted with me. and SHE is the one that has destroyed my life for me.

 

and what? she gets to be happy now? she gets to be all smiles with her friends now? she gets away free with no pain or remorse??????? HELL NO! being a criminal justice major in college i believe in justice and fairness. this isnt fair to me. i want her to hurt while i have fun. i want her to cry while im out with friends. but she's heartless. there is no soul in her to feel bad about this. she sees only herself in her life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

just **** it. **** all of this. this journal * * * * was a stupid idea anyway

[shep88ner]

well....im hammered. i did this so so i wouldnt text her or call her tonight. if i do se wins and i dont want her to win

 

 

 

 

so im durnk and all my pain has melted away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

merry chirstmas everyone!!!!!!!!

[shep88ner]

break down on christmas morning.

 

you ready for this ENA?

 

 

 

i have nothing in this world. she is about to date yet ANOTHER guy on friday. i got drunk and read her facebook things. nobody ever ******* reads this anyway...im only typing to myself. tis site is a joke, my life is a joke, she is a joke, this guy is a joke...and the harm i will cause him certainly isnt a joke. im a violent violent man when it comes to my emotins and i will mess this kid up all kinds of ways.

 

i want her to hurt and she wont be hurt i have no way of hurting her. what can i do to hurt her? i want her to cry. my life sucks. this all sucks.i hate this website, i hate myself, i hate her, i just want to explode

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i dont know how to control my emotions. this kid thinks hes all holy and religious. im going to meet him on the steps of his church and beat the holy living **** out of him. no explanations, no comments, no words. he'll walk up not having a clue who i am and i'll ruin the kid right then and there. he'll wake his ass up in the back of a damn abulance wondering what happened and what the license plate number was for the car that hit him.

 

how do you all do this? how can you all get through this pain? how can you get through a girl that doesnt care about you in the slightest bit? how do you do this? this is why people kill themselves this is why people harm themselves