Is it normal or unusual to hurt worse when a Dumper "checks in on you"?

[WadeCure]

Does anyone else feel like it hurts worse and its possibly insulting when a dumper claim they care about you and love you but are not in love with you?

 

It feels like, "well if I'm really this (insert reason why he/she left you here) and so am bad you left, then why would you still care at all?" Maybe that's all or nothing thinking. I don't know.

 

But what hurts even worse is when a dumper contacts you for the sole purpose of 'checking on you.' In my case my ex had contacted me four times since I asked her to respect my wishes and not contact me. She asked me twice how I was doing (I ignored both times, and ignored her third one when she added that she still had some things of mine, but didn't ignore her happy birthday, just said thanks, she said you're welcome - last time I heard from her 3 weeks ago today.) Whether it be out of guilt, or genuinely caring, or whatever, in my view it is completely selfish that a dumper does this. Especially if the dumper has mutual friends. Seems like if they really wanted to see if you were okay - they'd ask the mutual friend and leave you alone so you can heal.

 

Surely the dumper has more sense than to realize that contact with a person who loved them and wanted to be with them more than anything in the world would probably feed false hopes. It's completely selfish in my view for a dumper to contact the dumpee at all for the reason of checking in, I don't care if the 'caring' is genuine or not. If you really so called 'cared' and 'loved', you'd be more interested in the dumpee healing than satisfying your own freaking curiosity. Do your part in the end of the relationship and deal with the complete and utter absense of this person from your life on your own.

 

Logic says I should just take heart in a dumper caring. But I'm human, and I'm not wired that way.

 

Am I unusual for feeling this way? Can anyone sympathize?

[waveseer]

I understand what you are saying and I agree somewhat. I think the dumper often trivialized the seriousness of the relationship in their own mind to make it easier to break away, so it stands to reason that they would underestimate the amount of time it would take the dumpee to heal.

[yankeefan74]

Whether it be out of guilt, or genuinely caring, or whatever, in my view it is completely selfish that a dumper does this. Especially if the dumper has mutual friends.

 

You're right - it is dumper's guilt as well as a bit of insecurity. It's completely selfish.

 

The whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" line is pure nonsense. It's drivel.

 

In most cases, the dumper does still care...and that is why there is guilt - for hurting someone they once loved. And in some cases, the dumper still does love the person they dumped...but for whatever reason, they can't be with them.

 

Regardless, it is selfish to contact someone when they've asked you not too...

 

My ex called me constantly. She thought she was going to break up with me, but immediately have a friend with benefits if things didn't work out with the new guy - and at the very least, I was going to be someone she could continue to dump her worries on. One day, about 3 weeks after we split up, i was at home and she called me 6 times.

 

It's completely selfish behavior.

[wizard71]

i think that quite often, the dumper is ahead in the healing stakes, so thereforee it will be more trivial for them than someone still feeling raw. When my ex did that i always felt like saying 'get over yourself, do you think my life will really fall apart without you in it? But i never did, purely because they are prob just hoping they havent devastated you. Its easier on them that way. Not knowing would really make them wonder.

[WadeCure]

I understand what you are saying and I agree somewhat. I think the dumper often trivialized the seriousness of the relationship in their own mind to make it easier to break away, so it stands to reason that they would underestimate the amount of time it would take the dumpee to heal.

 

Regardless of the time. I feel the dumper should, as a consequence of ending the relationship, have to deal with having the complete absense of the dumpee of their life.

 

Okay, maybe years down the line... but in my case it was a month and a half before I got my first contact from her. That's a gross underestimation in my view.

[WadeCure]

And in some cases, the dumper still does love the person they dumped...but for whatever reason, they can't be with them.

 

Again if this is the case... like I said it feels like, "well if I'm really this (insert reason why he/she left you here) and so am bad you left, then why would you still love me at all?" This doesn't make sense to me.

[yankeefan74]

Again if this is the case... like I said it feels like, "well if I'm really this (insert reason why he/she left you here) and so am bad you left, then why would you still love me at all?" This doesn't make sense to me.

 

People leave for a lot of reasons. It sucks to think about, but in some breakups, it really does tear the dumper apart but they simply don't believe the relationship is working. Sometimes it's not just about whether there is love or not.

 

There's an old song called "Someday" by Alan Jackson....there's a line:

 

"...She said all I've ever wanted was to love you. And somewhere deep inside me I still do. But now I think it's time I stopped believing, 'cause I'm never gonna see a change in you..."

 

Two people who have a close bond are not just going to forget their feelings and switch them off at the time of a breakup - and it doesn't matter which side of it you're on.

 

Hell, my ex is with someone she's been with since about 2 weeks after we broke up -- she just told me less than two weeks ago that she still has feelings for me. She doesn't need a backup guy, she's almost 6 months into a new thing with this guy. She has random dudes hit on her all the time...yet she still said it. There are times, and they are rare, when she actually opens her heart and speaks frankly and honestly with me. And this slipped out. Usually, there is a shield she puts up.

 

We work together, otherwise i wouldn't see her or really speak to her at all. Most of the time, the conversation is casual. Occasionally, we wind up talking about deeper subjects. And i can see when she looks at me that there are real feelings still there.

 

I've just gotten to a point where I can say to myself "She still chooses to be with someone else. She knows how much i love her and her daughter...and she has chose to spend her time with someone else..."

 

Yeah, I read into it when she said she still had feelings. I let hope get to me a bit....but it's probably better not to try and figure out whether their comments mean anything too deep. I spent a couple hours basking in the glow of hearing her words...the next morning, she called me at home for the first time in months to ask me to email her at work and talk to her. But I knew nothing would come of it, and told her i had some shopping to do and that i hoped she had a good day.

 

Last wednesday, she invited me for a drink on friday night. by thursday, she'd cancelled. Classic ex-type behavior. Probably best not to try and figure it all out. Usually it's not very logical.

[Robert013]

Regardless, it is selfish to contact someone when they've asked you not too...

 

 

 

Exactly. Everytime my ex tries to contact me I think she is being selfish and disrespectful. It does hurt me to some degree as well even though I never respond.

 

It would most likely be easier if she would never try.

[Lady Bugg2]

I have seen this argument go both ways... like you are saying "if they broke up with me, why do they need to contact me"....and then I have heard.."How can they not even check on me and see how I'm doing?? They must not even care at ALL"...I think either way as a dumpee sucks. But if I were in this position, and I HAVE been, it would make me feel better if I knew they did still care about me and how I was doing..even if I knew

it was counter productive for me to be in contact with them...but at that point, it's the dumpees decision to respond or not. So, you are just as responsible for how much interaction there is. You can always change your number if you truly want to be done with them.

[yankeefan74]

When he's asked her not to contact him...and she still does...he is not just as responsible for how much interaction there is. He shouldn't have to change his phone number to have his wishes respected.

 

People who get dumped and never hear from their ex again absolutely struggle with the thought of "I guess they never really cared." It tears them apart. But hearing from them can tear a dumpee apart as well. That's absolutely true.

 

But when you've asked, and they don't respect that....that's completely selfish and unacceptable.

[jennamajig]

My ex never contacts me. I don't think he ever will.

 

In the long-run it is the best thing, but sometimes I wish he would because it happens to everyone else here. Or maybe I just want a chance to tell him off.

 

I was told he will reach out once to test you. Nope, didn't happen and I'm almost three months past. I don't think I will ever talk to him again. Saying that for the first time hurt like hell. Now, I find myself disappointed in the person he turned out to be.

[jennamajig]

 

People who get dumped and never hear from their ex again absolutely struggle with the thought of "I guess they never really cared." It tears them apart. But hearing from them can tear a dumpee apart as well. That's absolutely true.

 

 

Very true, Yankeefan. I struggled with this and perhaps sometimes still do. It's like he turned off a faucet and moved on. But in the end, you have to keep saying "Well, why would I want to be with that kind of person anyway" and discover your own closure.

[yankeefan74]

That's true...but also...you can't draw the conclusion that they didn't really care. A lot of people simply cannot handle the guilt they feel when they contact someone they've dumped. They can't handle the hurt and emotion they know they'll hear in their ex's voice. So they don't contact them. In most cases, the dumper thinks about the dumpee quite a bit - even if they've run off and hooked up with someone else to distract themselves. Either way, it certainly isn't a reflection on you that he hasn't checked in with you. As you have hinted at - it's a reflection of him.

[Robert013]

I am glad she cared enouph to at least atempt contacting me, but after I asked her not to it makes it worse when she continues it. I know she is thinking of my son and I all the time otherwise she would have no reason to try and contact me and tell me about her family. She is also with someone else so you are right it doesn't matter if they are in another relationship already they still think about there ex. Not a good way to be in a new relationship thinking about someone else all the time.

[yankeefan74]

My ex was "engaged" to the new guy 10 weeks after we broke up. A week later, she was ignoring his phone calls at work, and she's nearly broke up with him at least 3 times that I know about. (we work together and have entirely TOO MUCH contact. lol).

 

She's invited me for a drink 4 times since we broke up...but we haven't actually done it. Less than 2 weeks ago she told me that she still had feelings for me...and she said in terms of her and I, "you never know what the future holds." I was sarcastically asking her if she honestly saw us together ever again, and that was her response.

 

I thought it was bad being me...having to work so close to a beautiful ex-girlfriend. But I think it might be worse being the guy she's with now...because his world hasn't crashed down yet. But it's obviously coming.

[jennamajig]

Yuck, Yankeefan. My ex and I work for the same university, but it is a very big place and I haven't run into him yet. I know eventually I probably will, but I'm not looking to. And I know he's guilty, or was at one point. But I'm not because I didn't break-up with him; I wanted to work things out. He gave up. His loss.

 

You're a strong person to put up with contact at work. I like your last sentences...if the guy she is with now is in love, I feel badly for the poor man when she moves on.

[yankeefan74]

Even worse...this is the first woman he's been with after his divorce. I do not want to see her or anyone else get hurt...so I'm not rooting for them to break up. I can just see it coming. Even she will tell you that i know her better than anyone...and i see all the signs.

 

I should probably also point out that my ex is about 2 months shy of 35 and is already twice divorced. So...

[yankeefan74]

You're a strong person to put up with contact at work.

 

Her most enthusiastic contact comes when she's not feeling real secure about her relationship, or she's found something about him or his life to complain about. For a while, I didn't even think about the fact that I was being jerked around and used for attention.

 

Now that I do, I can't say that it's particularly enjoyable to still work with her, but it's easier. lol

[jennamajig]

Even worse...this is the first woman he's been with after his divorce. I do not want to see her or anyone else get hurt...so I'm not rooting for them to break up. I can just see it coming. Even she will tell you that i know her better than anyone...and i see all the signs.

 

I should probably also point out that my ex is about 2 months shy of 35 and is already twice divorced. So...

 

Yikes, poor guy! Though she could be his rebound, but I can understand not wanting him to get hurt.

 

Twice divorced, huh, by 35. Similar to my uncle, except he is a good guy that made some bad choices (and some bad choice by my dad who convinced to marry #2, but in my dad's defense, my uncle did only voice cold feet on his wedding day). He finally struck gold with #3 and they are very happy. But your ex sounds like she has no clue what she wants in a relationship.

[jennamajig]

Her most enthusiastic contact comes when she's not feeling real secure about her relationship, or she's found something about him or his life to complain about. For a while, I didn't even think about the fact that I was being jerked around and used for attention.

 

Now that I do, I can't say that it's particularly enjoyable to still work with her, but it's easier. lol

 

Yuck, last thing you need to hear about is her new guy.

 

My ex hurt me deeply, so I don't think I could still work in the same office. I've made uber progress, but I'm not I would ready for that yet much contact, yet (or even ever), lol.

[yankeefan74]

I certainly hope that your healing continues and I'm sorry that you got hurt. You sound like you're doing pretty well considering...

 

As for my ex...I don't believe she understands very much about herself or her behaviors. She does not want to be in a relationship because it enhances her life...she's in a relationship to basically escape real life. There are too many demons that she's buried for so many years that are knocking on the door...if she spends too much time alone, they'll kick the door in. She has not been single for more than a week or so in probably 15 years. She's spent her entire adult life in relationships. I know why she is the way she is, but I have to accept that I can't do anything to fix it. I can only change some of the behaviors I exhibited during the relationship that certainly didn't help. Problem is, she can see that I've worked on changing some things, and it intrigues her enough to come sniffing around from time to time....lol.

[Dosed]

I have to agree with the OP on this one. I specifically stated when all was said and done that I needed at least 6-9 months without any contact in order to move forward and get my life in check.

 

3 months in NC and she makes contact to say "hi and that a response didn't matter" Nice, nothing selfish about that at all. Everything was looking up, introspective thoughts were fading, I was smiling more often, being far more productive etc and now, feels like I've slid back into that hole only not quite so raw this time around.

 

At this point in time I feel that it's very selfish on the dumpers part but I'm forced to accept it through gritted teeth! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr