I just don't get how people find dates so easily these days.

[Caldus]

Am I just not living in the right area or something? It's so difficult to find a girl around my age who meets my standards (and believe me they are not that high at all) and is single. At least it seems that way. I have looked online all over the place and I just seem to run into deadend after deadend streams of emails. I've taken courses at the local community college. I would try work except I work with a bunch of guys, so that won't work too well. I have avoided bars and clubs since I hate the scene (the smoking, loud noise ... how can anyone have a decent conversation in a place like that?). Plus I have no one to really go with to those kind of places and I do not feel comfortable going to such a place alone. I don't want people thinking that I am some kind of loner stalker creep type or something.

 

I always hear people finding dates within like days and it takes me several months until I go on one. I hate sounding like this and complaining, yet I hate to ignore how frustrated I feel at the same time. I do think I am a good catch. I have a decent job that pays well, my own car, my own place, etc. and am a good-natured, intelligent, and sane person (for the most part).

 

How do other guys in my situation ever find someone? I have been single for about 95% of my life so far. You can enjoy your own company for so long before you just get so bored and frustrated. And please don't say "your time will come" and "it comes when you least expect it" because they are the most cliche phrases ever and I do not believe them. That's the last thing guys in my situation want to hear. Because they know they have to work for dates unlike women where they don't have to make too much of effort except to just be out there and guys will ask them out. Guys have to do all of the hard work. This would be so much easier if I were a girl, haha.

 

Argh.

[NewPhillyGuy]

It's the same for me. It typically takes me 6 months to a year until I find someone, and even then, it doesn't always work out. It is hard to find good people.

[JenniferSNJ]

Funny... I always think dating would be so much easier if I were a guy.

[john4321]

well it doesn't get any better when you are older lol

[spainman_88]

I hear you on that, man. Some guys seem to have such an easy time finding dates and not have to work too hard for it...

 

I don't have an easy time with it, and I also consider myself a good catch, been in 2 really good relationships in the past, but can't seem to get dates frequently here. And when I do, it seems to never continue beyond one or two, even though I've met several girls who I thinka re great and I'd be very happy to keep dating. Including a couple who I've gone on a date or two with, thought they went really well, and then had her seem to disappear. The work doesn't seem to stop once you get a date...I find I need to work even harder to keep them interested, and I can't figure out why I'm not able to do that...

 

Keep trying and dont get discouraged I guess, although I find it hard to take that advice myself sometimes.....

[JenniferSNJ]

It's like that saying... if I'm so fantastic, why am I alone? I don't know?! I have no idea actually. I mean, I'm talking from a female perspective, but I seriously see girls that are complete train wrecks in good relationships and dating around with no problem. It's like being "normal" puts you at a disadvantage in the dating world. Or we just eliminate all the crazies quicker and thus, our pool is smaller.

[Caldus]

It's like that saying... if I'm so fantastic, why am I alone? I don't know?! I have no idea actually. I mean, I'm talking from a female perspective, but I seriously see girls that are complete train wrecks in good relationships and dating around with no problem. It's like being "normal" puts you at a disadvantage in the dating world. Or we just eliminate all the crazies quicker and thus, our pool is smaller.

 

I swear to god that the more level-headed and stable you are in your life, the harder it is to find dates (for people around my age anyway). My stepbro is a complete trainwreck in his life and has a new girlfriend every year. My older bro is a pretty stable and mature guy himself and he also has a real difficult time finding dates. Maybe you're right, too many crazies and not enough mature folks in the pool to ever find them in the first place.

[JenniferSNJ]

I swear to god that the more level-headed and stable you are in your life, the harder it is to find dates (for people around my age anyway). My stepbro is a complete trainwreck in his life and has a new girlfriend every year. My older bro is a pretty stable and mature guy himself and he also has a real difficult time finding dates. Maybe you're right, too many crazies and not enough mature folks in the pool to ever find them in the first place.

 

No, I'm so serious. I read this entire article about successful women who are well educated, have great job, in shape, etc. and cannot find men to date. I'm terrified that's going to be me! (and that's really sad if you think about it! haha). But I'm not surprised. It probably does work the same way for me, it just always seems like every guy in NJ is dating someone. But I have to be honest, there is one guy I know that is normal and has his stuff together and he hasn't dated anyone in years. It's so strange. I think it may be because (I'm just theorizing and rambling here)... we don't need someone to date- so our standards are much higher/different? For instance, I don't have to date someone to be happy so my standards are pretty high. If I meet a guy that seems like he needs to date someone- I'm totally turned off. Where other girls would be like WOO HOO I found someone to marry!!! So strange.

 

It might be the age too. I'm turning 23 at the end of this month and I just noticed that most guys around my age don't have their lives together. I think I need to date older. Maybe you do too?

[Daligal83]

Girls don't have it any easier. I never get dates. And I'm out there. I don't do the bar scene much either...but I go maybe a couple times a month. I'm out every weekend. I'm at the gym six times a week. I have a good social life, but I'm not meeting anyone through friends. The only thing I haven't tried is online dating because I don't think it's right for me.

 

I don't have any advice to help you find someone...just wanted to say I share your frustration!

[fivespot]

Huh.

 

It took me over a year to meet the girl I really had an interest in. And she seemed to like me.

 

Then she tells me she's dating someone else and I should probably let go of these romantic feelings "for now" whatever that means.

 

Sigh...well so much for thinking I could have a girlfriend by the end of 2008. Well there's always next year.

 

The sad thing is though, I'm not meeting people as often as I used to.

[Caldus]

Good point. But what is the limit? 30 seems an awful lot older to me, but I think I may be OK with a 26 year old for example.

[Robert013]

Do you go up to women and talk to them? Just say hello when you pass by? Where are you looking?

 

Dating is about finding the person for you. You most likely will not do that with the first person you date. I try to date around until I find someone I connect with. You have to ask someone if you want to find that person. just because you go on a date does not mean you are going to be in a relationship with that person.

 

Next time you see a women you are atracted to go and say hello. Have a reason of course but anything to start a conversation. Hell pretend your lost but then keep it going by giving her a compliment and asking some impersonal questions that anyone would be willing to answer. You need to build your confidence and ego.

 

Don't be so picky just ask someone on a date you never know what is going to happen. the worst thing they are going to do is say no. then you try again.

[meepmeep20]

hey we should be friends. i live in nj too and am 21.

[Caldus]

Girls don't have it any easier. I never get dates. And I'm out there. I don't do the bar scene much either...but I go maybe a couple times a month. I'm out every weekend. I'm at the gym six times a week. I have a good social life, but I'm not meeting anyone through friends. The only thing I haven't tried is online dating because I don't think it's right for me.

 

I don't have any advice to help you find someone...just wanted to say I share your frustration!

 

I can't even imagine how frustrating it must be for you.

[JenniferSNJ]

Good point. But what is the limit? 30 seems an awful lot older to me, but I think I may be OK with a 26 year old for example.

 

Hm my limit? Well, it's a personal thing, but I would be willing to date up to 29. Ha, right under 30

 

But to be honest, I'm not actively dating right now. I got out of a 4 year relationship 9 months ago and ever since, I have revisited every guy I could have ever had anything romantically with in my past + 1 new one... gross. In case you couldn't tell- it didn't work out- any of it. lol. So I'm taking a break to work on myself and get myself into a great position in life to meet someone. I want to be at my best for my future spouse. And this is random and weird, but I always tell people that I don't sleep around because I don't think my future husband would like that. I don't know who my future SO is, but he better appreciate that!!!

 

lol

 

If I were trying to actively date... I would be hitting on every guy I saw, doing online dating, and asking my friends to set me up... joining clubs solely to meet people. There would be no stopping me. Eventually I'd have to meet someone compatible and relatively normal. I hope.

[spainman_88]

I guess those points sound like good advice. I've been trying online dating, and I meet some people, but not as many as I would like.

 

When I do, it usually seems to go well. What I can't figure out is why it goes well for only 1-2 dates.....

[JenniferSNJ]

I guess those points sound like good advice. I've been trying online dating, and I meet some people, but not as many as I would like.

 

When I do, it usually seems to go well. What I can't figure out is why it goes well for only 1-2 dates.....

 

What online dating site do you use?

[Robert013]

Good point. But what is the limit? 30 seems an awful lot older to me, but I think I may be OK with a 26 year old for example.

 

 

I think it depends on how you are emotionally. Have you ever had a long term relationship 2 years or more? At your age I would stick with a 5 year age gap limit.

 

I am 30 and have an age gap limit in either direction of about 5 years also.

[Daligal83]

It is frustrating. I can say I could probably approach more guys...but I tend to freeze up when I actually have an interest unless he initiates first. Otherwise, like my best friend says, I could talk to a tree for 20 minutes But honestly the guys I would want to approach, I don't get any signals from them that they'd be interested so I don't bother.

 

I honestly don't know what the problem is. Maybe I'm just not attractive enough? I think I dress pretty well and I'm outgoing. But I never get approached.

[JenniferSNJ]

It is frustrating. I can say I could probably approach more guys...but I tend to freeze up when I actually have an interest unless he initiates first. Otherwise, like my best friend says, I could talk to a tree for 20 minutes But honestly the guys I would want to approach, I don't get any signals from them that they'd be interested so I don't bother.

 

I honestly don't know what the problem is. Maybe I'm just not attractive enough? I think I dress pretty well and I'm outgoing. But I never get approached.

 

Well, watch out my friend... because if you're "too attractive" guys will actually be afraid to approach you.

 

I actually look very young for my age and I sometimes think that plays into it for me. I was once at a bar and a guy asked me if I was 17 and in highschool (mind you, I'll be teaching high school in 2 weeks)... I just said yes and that I couldn't buy myself a drink so if he could buy me one that'd be great. Another pointless story for me. I'm on a role tonight.

[Andie.]

Yeah, I also have had a hard time finding anyone to date or have a relationship with. Partly because I'm shy and cautious and I have somewhat high standards. I don't want perfection (there's no such thing), just someone with certain values or traits. I believe it's not good to be with someone just for the sake of being with someone.

 

I've been hit on a few times randomly out in public, but that was a little scary. Of the handful of guys I've really liked, I either 1) lost contact with, or 2) they found someone else, or 3) they live too far away. Or I've been too backward about expressing my interest.

[Daligal83]

hahaha that's a great story I'm definitely not too attractive. That's not even an option lol. I look very young too though. About six months ago I had to show my ID to see a rated R movie....I'm sure this is not helping me. But when I go out to a bar, I'm dressed nice and have makeup on. Still nada. My everyday life though I'm sure I pass for a high school kid. I'm not much into wearing makeup.

[JenniferSNJ]

hahaha that's a great story I'm definitely not too attractive. That's not even an option lol. I look very young too though. About six months ago I had to show my ID to see a rated R movie....I'm sure this is not helping me. But when I go out to a bar, I'm dressed nice and have makeup on. Still nada. My everyday life though I'm sure I pass for a high school kid. I'm not much into wearing makeup.

 

I mean, between me and you, I think this could be a legitimate problem. I got carded this summer to get my ears pierced... because you have to be 18 or older if you don't have an adult with you. Unbelievable. So maybe we should work on looking older? Gross. Nah, I'll stay single and young looking. When I'm smoking hot at 40 (because I look 25), all the old crows will be whining.

 

to the OP- I think what everyone is trying to say is that... its not just you!!! men and women alike have these problems. and it seems the saner you are the harder time you have finding a date.

 

When I was 18 and crazy- boys loved me. I'm normal now and my sanity is like repellent! haha

[Clementine orange]

You have to cast a REALLY wide net. Those "trainwrecks" and whatnot that you are talking about - they are likely very social. Going out ALOT increases your chances of meeting someone.

You have to be "on" and friendly to everyone - even people you aren't interested in (since they may know or be related to someone you are interested in). Go to every invite - no matter how feeble, join clubs, attend rallys, take classes, talk to everyone and anyone, about everything and anything.

For example, ever been somewhere and you see someone you might be interested it? For sure, however, it's very difficult to just walk up to them and start talking - and even if you do, then they (if it's female) is sort of "on guard" as in "yikes, there's a strange guy talking to me". However, if you were introducted, even by someone you barely know, then you have an "in" right away. Or else if you know them or recognize them from somewhere else then you have an "in".

 

Does this make sense.

 

One more point and this is good for men and women...Be interesting - have something to say, have an opinion, a story, a conversational gambit. Stay up with current affairs, read books, know things, be able to communicate. In the short term, hide your idiosyncracies and "weirdness"- anything that might repel. Be yourself for sure, but dont' be repelant.

 

Oh yes, and always look good - clean, well dressed (your version of it anyway) and well coifed. Even if you are just doing laundry. It helps...alot.

 

I'm not saying it's easy, but I am saying it's possible.

[Raistlin]

I mean, between me and you, I think this could be a legitimate problem. I got carded this summer to get my ears pierced... because you have to be 18 or older if you don't have an adult with you. Unbelievable. So maybe we should work on looking older? Gross. Nah, I'll stay single and young looking. When I'm smoking hot at 40 (because I look 25), all the old crows will be whining.

 

to the OP- I think what everyone is trying to say is that... its not just you!!! men and women alike have these problems. and it seems the saner you are the harder time you have finding a date.

 

When I was 18 and crazy- boys loved me. I'm normal now and my sanity is like repellent! haha

 

I wish I could have that outlook on looking young. I'm a 21 year old guy, and I get carded... for everything. Hell, I bought a video game for my brother's christmas gift yesterday and I was carded. You only have to be 17 to buy it!

 

I get carded every time I have to run to the gas station up the street and get cigarettes for a family member, and I've never set foot into a club without arguing with the bouncer that my ID isn't fake.

 

It's a really pathetic scenario in my case... and it certainly doesn't help when I get brushed over by girls/women. I'm decent looking and I have literally been laughed at for just saying "hi" to a random girl in an effort to strike up a convo.