depression...guilt....unmotivated...

[Anon333]

I have had bouts of depression throughout my life, and have always felt like the loser in the family that cant keep it together..many of these reaccuring depressions are from relationships gone bad..

 

Earlier this year I moved cross country to live with my sister, brother-in-law and niece....The plan was for me to stay the year and help with my niece and also see if I can make a life out here....Since I moved out here, I have been dealing well with the change, and have been pretty happy since Ive been single for about a year....I have a job where Ive met a few people, and I was not sure whether to stick around here or go back to where Im from...

 

Recently in the past month, I met a guy that I fell head over heals for, but it did not work out, and he was not over his ex...Ive posted about this....I have been spiralling into depression to the point where I have hardly gone outside and stay in my room...I was drinking too much also, and have tried to stop the last couple days..I keep trying to put my brain in positive mode, because Depression TOTALLY paralyzes me and has done so in the past...I used to see a therapist and now I dont have one out here..Ive been on and off of anti depressants, but havent taken them since Ive moved out here....

 

I am so distraught about this guy and trying to pull out of it, but it feels as though this has brought on a pile of new distresses..Being single suddenly feels SO lonely...I suddenly feel pathetic for being almost 30 and living with my sister and brother-in-law and having a crappy customer service job......I just cant help to feel like my life is a joke..Every time I like someone it doesnt work out...I have not been doing my share of the work in the house and I feel SO guilty....When I used to live by myself, and I got depressed, I could let things go in my apartment and not worry...

 

Today my sister was vaccuming and I came out of my room and said "I could do that"...I try to have a positive attitude around her because she thinks I just am feeling sorry for myself. SHe said, Im sick of asking...I started vaccuming, but my tears started swelling up and I had to run to my room so she couldnt see me,...I have been crying ever since and feel like total crap....Im so depressed today...I know I can get through it if I work on it...But I feel like a burden and unwanted and like my life has totally no direction and Im aimless...I know there are people that have it so much worse...But I relaly dont feel like anything will EVER work out for me...

[ATLstudent]

I'm depressed too. I had been going strong for about two months. I met a girl, we were talking but i have lost interest and she lives far away, there are more reasons as well. So i have felt myself slipping for the past week, and now i can finally say i am getting back down into a depression, over the summer i was going in and out of it like every two weeks, and started to climb out and really feel happy, but now, i am just feeling down again. I knew i shouldn't have gotten involved with this person that it would be a distraction, that i needed to keep working on myself but i did it anyway and it was great for a bit, but now its gone, and i'm back to just me again, and haven't been keeping things together. I'm sorry your so depressed. It sounds like your not feeling accomplished at your age. You don't seem happy about where u r in ur life, and i know how that feels, im only 22 and already have regrets and wish i could do it over again.

 

I'm not sure what advice to give you, just know others are feeling this way today. I really hope u get out of this depression. U should find something to work on or start writing, do something to help yourself. Maybe you should map out ur plans to move out on ur own and how your going to accomplish that. Feel Better.

[savignon]

Sorry you're feeling so sad. Maybe you can talk to your sister and she can help you find a good therapist out there (well worth the money in my opinion, even if you don't make much). You might try also reading the book "Codependent No More" ...it's, in part, about breaking through dependency on situations (relationships, work, family) that determine your mood and outlook on life. For example, if relationship is good=life is good. If relationship is bad=life sucks. Even if you just start skimming something like that, you might find some patterns that you can work towards changing.

Meanwhile, if your sister has taken you into her home with her husband and child, she must care for you deeply and believe in you. Take advantage (in a good way) of the relationship you have with her. Talk to her and see if she can introduce you to some friends/groups/clubs/a gym...

Unless you take a good hard look at the real issue (which you might need a therapist to help you discover), your circumstances will always feel the same whether you live in New York, California or Texas. Life is not any more hopeful based on location. It's what we bring with us that makes a place a home.

Best wishes!

[pace of ace]

Anon,

 

First of all, you're are not a loser. You clearly suffer from a recognised mental illness and this does not make you a loser. The fact you are trying your best to get yourself in order means that you are not a loser. You are not a loser ok.

 

You are clearly upset about this guy, well you know, everyone is different, just because other people can quickely forget or pull themselves out of it doesn't make you any less of a person. You are a human being with faults and positive attributes just like the rest of us.

 

There are millions of people in the world who are just like you so it's not asthough you are alone in this.

 

You will find happiness one day i'm sure of it. But happiness can't come from somone else, it has to come from within you... and if it makes you feel any better, i can relate to everything you are saying.

 

Maybe re-starting therapy would be an idea?. You need to love yourself before you can love anyone else. This is the same (one of many) problems i battle with also.

[pace of ace]

savignon.,

 

who wrote that book? i think i could use a copy.

[savignon]

Melody Beattie is the author. It's a great book...I got mine on amazon.

Good luck! Happy Holidays to everyone....it'll get better. It always does....

[Anon333]

Thank you all soo much...I have been so busy writing about this guy on this forum, that I feel this post I wrote is more the root of my issues....I need to focus less on him and what is wrong with me that he didnt want me and if he will ever come back, and focus on my life..

 

My sister has tried to help...She gave me a number for a therapist, and I tried calling, got a recording, and never tried again...My health insurance will be changing in the next couple months as well, so I dont know if I can make an appointment withough knowing what insurance I will have or what my insurance policies are..But I really need to find a therapist..I tried to go to one when I first moved here, and didnt realize she was more a careere counselor than a therapist, so I was tlaking about my emotions and being confused and she was trying to taslk me into going back to school or something like that...

 

Anyway..I feel so pathetic for never having my life together..I feel like a burden of not only living with my sister and not having to pay rent, but extra bills they pay for me and now I am not showing any appreciation, and now they have to worry about me sitting in my room all day being depressed...I hate it....We had a conversation a week ago about it..She just thinks I need to pull it together and stop feeling sorry for myself, but sometimes it is just SO hard...I even say in my head...One more day of grieving and being sad and then tomorrow you are going to push yourself to go jogging or do something positive..Instead I stay in my room and come out only to eat.....

 

And as for that book you were tlaking about..I could probably get some good from reading it...My problem is, that up until this point, I felt I was happy with myself and could easily give or take a relationship and make positive choices for myself.. In fact the first sign of him not being over his ex, and I told him it is best he heal and we go our own way..I was SO pround of myself for trying to take control of a situation that might harm me...BUT then I missed him after a week, expected to hear from him, even called him a few times and got little interest on his behalf and now I have to move on and I regret letting him go so easily and know I have no choice..I guess thats a different post...

 

You all are helping me..I think a good idea is like ATL said...Try to think of a plan or goal to work toward...I need to save money to get out of their house and have my own apartment....But the thing is, up until I met this guy, I was contemplating moving back to my home town...After I met him, I decided maybe Ill stayt a little longer....Now that it did not work out, I am still wanting to stick around to see if he would ever come around again..But at the same time I need to move on and forget about him....Ugh....

[pace of ace]

Melody Beattie is the author. It's a great book...I got mine on amazon.

Good luck! Happy Holidays to everyone....it'll get better. It always does....

 

Cheers. Might get my own copy. Helpful yes?

[pace of ace]

I think the way you feel about this guy anon is just papering over the cracks of your real issues. Just as, if you got in a relationship tomorrow you would have a sense of fulfilment but your issues would still be under the surface and would surely rise up sooner or later.

 

Like i say i am EXACTLY the same. It's easier to get involved with someone to distract you to from the real problem rather than face up to yourself.

[Anon333]

youre probably right...Its funny how I thought I was doing well and on the right track with myself though..Its unsettling to know meeting someone briefly could throw me so off track and into a different reality even when I think I am centered and doing well....Thanks

[pace of ace]

Yeah it's a tough world. Just when we think we're on the road to being happy again, reality quickely sits in and we realise that something or someone is simply getting in the way of really looking at yourself. Another person wanting to be with you gives you that buzz and fulfiment and you think you are on top of the world. But really, it's just a placebo. Work on you first then everything else should fall into place.

 

My how i wish i could take my own advice.

[Anon333]

Thanks..Im sorry we are all sad on here...I am so sad I have a pit of emptiness in me..I dont want to wallow in my sorrow..but sometimes it is so hard to be around people or do things when all I am feeling is horrible inside...

[pace of ace]

It happens, dont apologise for it. Just try and pick yourself out of it as soon as you can. Feel free to pm me anytime you wanna talk ok.

[CaptainPlanet]

The first thing I can say is that you need to get out of customer service right away.

 

The job is designed to take away your human elements and in a sense they try to break you. Don't let them that is the worst thing that can happen to a person with low self esteem or depression.

 

Don't feel guilty about living with a relative that is what family is supposed to be for.

 

30 is not old, you can do a lot of things still with your life.

 

Have you considered any courses for a career change or vocational training ? The problem with customer service among other things is that you develop no workplace skills that will get you a better position.

 

Could you become a school teacher ?

 

Relationships go badly all the time and there is nothing to feel sad about either. You sound like many other normal 30 year old's who have not had the best of luck.

[Anon333]

Actually, my customer service job is the one thing that makes me happy..It is a positive environment, but I really want to do more with myself than that....I did get a B.S degree in Psychology, and I worked in an office for 4 years after college. THAT was making me feel like the life was sucked out of me..I have social anxiety and have a hard time meeting people, and the job I have forces me to be more outgoing and has really halped......I wanted to get away from my hometown and a slur of bad relationships I had had in that town...I wanted to meet new people.....be somewhere warmer....So I did....I have been single ever since and so much happier than being in a horrible whirlwind rollercoaster relationship....

 

Just when I think Im doing well making friends, this guy throws me totally off. All those depression feelings I tried so hard to move on from came back...This guy is the first guy I ever felt like I knew myself and had a real possibility of trying a reltaionship with...He had qualities I had never found in someone, that I dont think I'd find in someone else...He acted like he really liked me, and now I cant let go of the idea of him...Now hanging out with other people just depresses me and Id rather be alone....I want to get over this and move forward, but I just cant shake this guy loose..I am heartbroken as though I dated him f or years...I dont know why I feel this way.....

[breathing again]

I think you are probably feeling this way because it seemed to you that this guy maybe someone you can plan a future with. Now he is gone and that future you thought you were going to have is gone. You are grieving for him as well as the future you thought you were going to have with him. This kind of loss is very painful and it takes time to heal.

 

Start taking steps to feel good about who you are and TRY not to dwell on the fact that you let him go and now he is gone. Chances are that he would have left sooner or later and you don't need someone that is not devoted to you and you have to worry if he may leave at any moment.

 

Don't think that it was you or that you weren't good enough. He just had his own life matters that weren't settled yet. Don't wait for him to come back. If you were planning to move back home before you met him, don't not go because he may come back. If he wanted to find you, he would. Even if he wanted to come back to you, would you settle for that, being worried every moment that he may change him mind again?

 

The point is, you really need to focus on yourself and take baby steps for now. If you feel like a burden to your sister, then sit her down, ask her what specific chores you can do around the house to help her, and once you know them, do them without her having to ask. It really would be huge for her and you would not feel like a burden anymore (there is more to contributing to a house hold then money). You have a job and that is wonderful. Start reading, walk or some form of exercise to get those endorphins going, force yourself to go out with people after work, friends, family, whoever. All these things will help you feel a little better and you will be taking steps to finding yourself even if for a while it all is laced with pain. Just keep going and doing things that will make you respect yourself for now.

 

You will get through all of this and be a better person for it. One that loves and respects herself.

[Anon333]

Breathing again..Thank you for what you wrote! It is all true and helpful..As for the guy...You are right..I dont want someone that unstable, it just makes it hard because I know what he is going through if he is dealing with a bad break up..If he had been single for a year and dating others and then met me, and still was flakey, my ego would be hurt, but I would know he wasnt right for me..In this situation, it leaves me wondering if it was all just because he was really hurt about his ex....

 

Anyway, I need to move forward and not worry about him..If I ever heard from him, it's probably be months from now, and there is so much more I have to figure out from that...Like staying or going..The reason I have been so bad with chores around the house is because I've been so depressed...I know that is no excuse and I have to force myself to do it..But If I were happy, vacuuming the house would be no big deal......I think I need to take a week or so to gather my priorities and start forcing myself to go out more and be positive....It is SO HARD sometimes...

 

And about me seeing a future with that guy..You are so right on....I think since I moved here, I finally started seeing this place a possible home and dating him....I guess when things didnt work, everything that I had been working out in my head since I moved here kinda exploded and I felt I was just as confused as ever!