Let it out.

[raining.stars]

^^ I agree with ILMBC, you are an inspiration rturner! wow a great soul!

[raining.stars]

These Jeff Buckley lyrics are how Im feeling:

 

'Im broken down and hungry for your love with no way to feed it'

 

'My body turns and yearns for a sleep that will never come'

 

'Its never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder

Its never over, all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her

Its never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter

Its never over, shes the tear that hangs inside my soul forever'

[mellybelly]

So last night Michael's mom invited me to dinner with some of the fam...and I was happy to go. Apparently, my dad told my sister that they are not Michael and I need to stop trying to get to Michael through them...or something along those lines. I was so upset. Of course I know they are NOT Michael....I'm only too aware of how much Michael is not there when I go see them alone without him. But, I loved them when Michael was here, and have bonded with them since he has been gone too. If I didn't have their support, I would have felt so much more alone. I don't think it's unhealthy to continue a relationship with them, which is what my dad was implying. I kind of blew up when I brought it up with my mom, because she was basically saying she could see where he was coming from because after my Uncle died, his girlfriend would hang out with my grandparents and didn't move on for awhile.....I feel so frustrated!!! I haven't really payed attention to it, but I guess everyone is analyzing my actions and has their thoughts of how I'm coping....and it just sucks. I told my mom,"I am TRYING to move on, and it's so frustrating when people are judgemental about things, and about what you should do or should not do..." The whole incident made me feel inhibited by people's expectations. I was so mad that my dad was talking to my sister about it too....why not just talk to me?? And that's the thing, I feel like no one really wants to talk about it anymore, to talk about what I'm going through, because maybe they think I should be mostly better by now?? I don't know. I feel so stuck....I really just wish Michael was still here and that I never had to deal with any of this...that his family didn't, that our friends didn't. It hurts a lot, and I miss him, and I hate that my actions are going to be under scrutiny because I am dealing with this.

[raining.stars]

^^ Hugs to you Melly! I would be so angry too, I got angry reading it! I don't think it is unhealthy to continue a relationship with them at all, if anything it is healthy because you can comfort each other and remember the good times together and you all understand what each other is going through and how horrible grieving is. Maybe they just don't know how to act, they don't like seeing us like this, so they try and give us advice that they don't really have any experience on?

 

Sometimes I feel like I have to suffer in silence, like once I told my sister how I was feeling, she basically said she was sick of hearing about it and said well what am i suppossed to do about it? argd,! its not like i want a solution i just want someone to listen and understand sometimes and I completely got angry and said well you don't have to live with this everyday, you don't know what it is like!?

Maybe some people just want you to get on with life because they are just uncomfortable with certain feelings. It frustrates me!

 

Melly just remember you are on your own time, I know how sucky it is when people want you to move on, you always have a place here to share how you are feeling

[mellybelly]

OHH thank you CC! Hugs back! I'm so glad I can post here and there are actually those who understand! I think you are right, sometimes our friends or family are uncomfortable with the situation because they truly don't know what to say or do, and as a result say some things that if they were actually the ones experiencing this, they would know how far off they are!

 

The weird thing is my dad has met some of Michael's family and really liked his parents, and I do like seeing his family and usually will go if they invite me to something, but it's not like I see them a lot or am talking to them all the time! I just thought it was a really weird and insensitive thing to say...

 

Oh well, I guess when it comes to this stuff, I just need to stand up for myself and disregard it when it doesn't apply....because really, they don't understand mostly. When I was talking to my mom about it, I told her Michael's family is a part of my life and they will continue to be. The whole thing was just frustrating and made me really sad, I was crying the whole way while driving to the dinner. My dad's comments made me feel like what, I should just forget about Michael and all of this and leave it behind??? I know he definitely doesn't feel that way...but I was so overwhelmed.

 

Awww girl, I am sorry about the incident with your sister. : ( I really think you are right in that they don't like seeing us like this and get frustrated and so they sometimes say things completely out of line. I am lucky that one of my sisters got to know Michael and see how deeply we were in love, she was heartbroken when he died too and I feel like I can go to her sometimes...but I know she will never completely understand either.

 

AHHHH it's just so hard!!!!

 

Just know you always have a place to share too, and you always have my support CC love!!

[blueangel]

I wrote this while grieving over the past, and it helped me come to terms with what I loved about it- but also how I cannot live in it:

 

 

These are my favorite things. The chirping of birds in the early morning. The sound of the mandalin guitar strings being strung by quick, inexperienced fingers (my own) and to think back on that memory in shame of how bad you were in comparison to others in the music store. And how awesome! A person close to your heart saying they’ll never leave you, even if someday it’s inevitable. And it always is, in some way, apparent or not. Walking outside at night, either alone or with that someone. Past the houses around you, and the ones with the lights on inside them- wondering who is up and why. Meeting a little boy who tells you to never stop praying, only nine years old, and whose eyes carry the world in them. Thinking back to my little brother rushing down the stairs to come meet me and gave the longest, warmest hug. Letting him win at games, I finally gave up wanting to compete. The last time I saw a loved one alive. How she and I both felt that, both knew somehow and I could see it in her eyes. Being inspired by someone I hardly knew, whose life I had looked at only after they passed, and to take what he lived by “We fight through no matter what hardships we face” with me from it. Learning what I’ve learned through music. Through melody. The safety of expressing oneself in art. My sketches. My sketches capture the music. The memories I associate as I sit still. I love the autumn leaves, the summer skies, but most of all, I love snow falling on the ground around you, covering the bareness of the trees too. I love words and the world from people I had been given. “You don’t owe anyone anything.” “You have the power to change people. Why else would God give someone eyes like that?” Playing Frisbee at the park. Playing tag on the playground with high school friends. Learning the meaning of letting be. Realizing from a broken heart that I could still value myself, and I would find again what makes me strong even if I had to start over. Learning from the one who left me how to be my full self, to never back down, that in me is “unseen brilliance” that they believed in…and to be supported like that has pushed me towards my dreams. I owe a lot to the people of my past. =) Watching Dir En Grey for the first time. It opened my eyes how striking it is when someone is suffering openly to their audience. There was beauty in that release. And I learned we are far too repressed and removed from what is inside us. The wonder, the pain, and the power there. I would find it again. My mom and I moving to a new house to start a new life. Like an angel brought us there. Running with my guy friend in crisscrosses from one sidewalk to the other to be silly instead of all disciplined when doing so. Almost running into snakes. Startling neighbors with our screams! My favorite...is when a season of your life has been lived out, suddenly everything changes.

You can’t go back.

[Dagless]

I'm so glad I can post here and there are actually those who understand!

 

This is why this place became so important to me because here I could talk about anything I was (and still do, on occasion) feeling. I think there comes a time when the people around you stop talking about it, it's not that they have forgotten it's just that they don't if they should talk about what they think you are trying to forget. The people around you want you to be okay only because they care about you but grieving takes time, acceptance takes time. The people who care about you are always going to worry about you, it's just sometimes they show it in a strange way.

 

Melly, don't worry about what other people think about seeing Michael's family. It doesn't matter how other people see it, it's how it looks to you that is important.

[Dagless]

I've posted this before but I just wanted to post it again for those who hadn't seen it.

I found this in a blog from a young man who had lost his girlfriend over five years ago. I found a lot of it very difficult to read but this part really rung true with me

 

"The loss of a loved one is a monumental event, one that can change the entire landscape of one’s life. A significant loss permanently changes the way you see your existence and how you experience it. Simply put, life as it was defined when your loved one was alive does not go on. Trying to live as if it does is both inappropriate and impossible, and ultimately self-destructive. By setting the unattainable goal of going on with life as before, you risk miring yourself in a cycle of denial and despair.

 

When I heard, “Life goes on”, it challenged me to move on. Though well intentioned, this was the worst advice I could be given. In order to carry on, I needed to allow myself the time to process this new reality and fully understand the ramifications of my loss. Until I did, I knew I would be living a former life that was now incomplete, rather than living life as it had become – different."

[raining.stars]

Melly, don't worry about what other people think about seeing Michael's family. It doesn't matter how other people see it, it's how it looks to you that is important.

 

Perfectly said Dags!

Melly, I think you are the one that knows you best and know what is important and true. I guess people try their best to help and don't know how. And I am glad you have that connection with Michael's family, I too feel like I have gained another family with Francisco's family. It is comforting for me to know that bond is always there, because if he hadn't died they would have been my family too.

 

AHHHH it's just so hard!!!!

 

Just know you always have a place to share too, and you always have my support CC love!!

Thanks Melly love!

It is so hard!!

[raining.stars]

Wow that is a powerful quote Dags, especially the last line.

 

That is true about the "life goes on" or "moving on" comments that although they are well meaning it is frustrating! It reminds me of when people tell someone who is depressed to just "be happy" or someone with an addiction to "just quit". But you need the tools, information, support and time to do so. and its a process that doesn't come all at once, with stops and starts.

[Dagless]

Yes, I was talking to someone recently and they said "Life does go on" and I thought to myself "No, for you it goes on, for everyone else it goes on but for me it stops and it doesn't start again until I can see a future for me to push myself in to"

And very slowly you do see that future and you do, little by little, begin to push yourself in to it.

[tiredofvampires]

It never ceases to amaze me how out-of-touch the comments of people who aren't really GOING THROUGH anything approaching this kind of loss deal out advice. I do believe it's all well-intentioned, as others have said (although, CC, I'm really sorry to hear your sister was so impatient and totally insensitive in her comments! That's just really upsetting, but I also have found that people who have the luxury to "get sick of it" because they have no answers can get angry at their own frustration or feeling they have nothing to offer, and then take that out at you. It sucks!!) I think people worry that if you surround yourself with the "attachments" to the one who is gone, you will stay "stuck" in the life you had with them. And that makes sense from THEIR point of reference, but it misses a lot, too. So you have to take that, melly, as concern that is coming from a place of ignorance outside the situation.

 

YOU are IN the situation, and you know what you need. And what you need is to honor the bonds you've made and to enjoy the company of people who truly do understand the loss of Michael. And you are right, it's healthy to keep these connections alive as much as you like. You have the choice to stay close to them now, in the future, and for life, if you want. They are Micheal's kin, but they are also individuals you value in their own right, and I don't see why you can't remain close to them. Change will happen over time in its own way without your having to artificially force yourself to give things up, to leave important relationships. You don't have to make those kinds of choices. You don't. And it might be helpful to have a heart-to-heart with your family (especially your dad) to spell out your thoughts on this, so that they back off scrutinizing you like this. Tell them that this is how you feel, that you are needing more faith from them that you are going about this the way you need to go about this, and that you are choosing things that are right for you in your relationships. This might make you feel more empowered. I can see how that would make you feel angry, what happened!

 

It's also really unfortunate that people who love someone going through mourning don't do a little more of their own "homework." You lost Michael in August, melly...and there's no way this could be something you'd be feeling any better about than you are at this point. This takes a long, long time to even come to grips with, that he's gone, as you know. But other people have to get on board with knowing just how inappropriate it is to be imposing or thinking about timeframes, especially when it's still extremely fresh, this loss, this HUGE loss. They don't understand because they've never walked in those shoes.

 

I've found that eNA has been a refuge for me from the people in my life who just don't have the time or mental space to really walk with me, day by day; who want life to hurry up and be different. Sometimes for my sake, sometimes I feel like...it's for theirs, so they can be spared the pain or discomfort of having to face problems with no solutions.

 

I'm glad for the chance to read that excerpt again, Dags...and CC's right, that last sentence says so much. There is no going back to life as it was, just "minus that person". And therein is the CORE of grief, I think. You aren't just mourning that person, you are mourning a whole life, a whole painting of life that is lost. You're even mourning yourself...the parts that are forever changed or have died along with that person. It's so all-encompassing. There is just this bare canvas left now, and it's going to be a new picture (with a few colors and elements that you carry with you into the new, and with the spirit of their hand guiding yours), but for a while, you don't want to see anything, you're just left with wanting the old one back. This is as natural as love itself, and no one, not even you, will know how this takes shape until or as it does. It's facing the unknown, in a lot of ways. I think it's very relieving though to know that "getting back to life" is really not the most helpful concept. Mourning is not life being suspended and then starting again, like hitting "pause" in a song. It's really a new song being written.

[thejigsup]

I agree with everything said except the one about it is wrong to tell a person with an addiction to "just quit". Actually, that is the best advice you can give them because it empowers them. I know. I quit an addiction because it was time and someone I loved, my son who was eight at the time, told me to just quit. Put down cigarettes and haven't had one in thirteen years.

[raining.stars]

I agree with everything said except the one about it is wrong to tell a person with an addiction to "just quit". Actually, that is the best advice you can give them because it empowers them. I know. I quit an addiction because it was time and someone I loved, my son who was eight at the time, told me to just quit. Put down cigarettes and haven't had one in thirteen years.

 

I didnt say it was wrong, although that one comment may help and be all that is needed for some, I just meant things are easier said than done and sometimes you need more information and support, rather than just one comment. Maybe I should have used a different analogy.

Cudos to you on giving up the cigarettes

[raining.stars]

Beautiful Tov and great perspective as always. I keep rereading the passage!^^

 

My sis has actually supported me a lot throughout, I couldn't have done it without her, she's my best friend and always there for me, but I guess we all get frustrated sometimes, I get frustrated with myself too!

[tiredofvampires]

My sis has actually supported me a lot throughout, I couldn't have done it without her, she's my best friend and always there for me, but I guess we all get frustrated sometimes, I get frustrated with myself too!

 

Thanks for the kind words, always, CC, girl!

 

I'm glad your sister has been really supportive and caring in general. I have one of those "best friend" sis's, too, and really don't know how I'd get through life without her always being there. We are that for eachother. But sometimes it gets really hard for her to see me going through the difficulties, challenges and hardships that I deal with, and the suffering that goes with them....and there are some really dark times when I'm acutely aware of how lonely it is to want someone to crawl into your soul to keep you company there, but on some level, we are at the wheel alone and have to be. My soul feels like it's always in contact with certain people (and even if I died or they did, this connection would be unbreakable), but there is also the very same reality that NO ONE can stand in our shoes but us, no one can live our experience but us, and we are still in some ways solitary. Those are some hard, hard moments to see in their naked truth.

 

But thank goodness for the love around us that is still here! I'm glad you've got her to lean on!

[raining.stars]

no one can live our experience but us

 

Thanks TOV! Yes this is so true, sometimes our own souls are such a lonely sad place, it is kind of a paradox, how we are all connected and yet we are alone at the same time. This life is so challenging at times!

[tiredofvampires]

^^ Yeah, so true. It's SOOO rough.

But I'm glad to hear you have the good sense to start with the antidepressants. There's NOTHING "weak" about that, or wrong, and in fact even in people with no history of depression, a loss like this can bring on serious clinical depression. Your brain can only take so much, it's actually pretty normal and many people in grief do have to be on antidepressants. It's common, so this is a good decision. I hope you'll start feeling it kicking in soon, even in small ways, and brava to you for knowing yourself and your limit. ((hugs))

[thejigsup]

I love this quote from a Cat Stevens song; "Life is but a maze of doors and they all open on the side you're on. Just keep on pushing hard, boy. Try as you may, you're going to wind up where you started from." That's all there is.

[mellybelly]

I hope they help you CC! I think it's a brave step girl.

[mellybelly]

Thank you everyone for your support! I continually reread your comments for an uplift.

 

I'm just having a reeeeally rough time lately! I realized that I was sort of just going through the motions, that it was a charade and I was almost acting like I was okay, I pretty much just removed everything from my mind in a way, put it at an arm's length...but that doesn't really work for so long! I've been feeling so unhappy lately...so discontent, and it pretty much all came tumbling down these past couple of days. I've been crying at the drop of a hat.....I burst into tears and pretty much shouted that I wasn't happy and that I hate everything to my dad tonight at dinner, because he made a comment about how I was acting. And I said that it sucks when other people can see it, can see the unhappiness, and he said, no, that it's good because it needs to come out. I see the point...but man, it really makes it hard when you have to struggle so hard to even seem normal to others. I feel like I'm breaking down.....I'm just so tired of all of this. I feel like such a failure because I can't see the good in anything sometimes lately. Or rather, I do see all the good...I just can't feel it. I wish Michael could just come back. : (

[Al B]

Melly I am right there with you. I went back to work today and I am fine until I stop to take a break. Fortunately for me I am a delivery driver so I can park away from anyone. And I think of Kristen and I get real sad and start to bawl. But the weird thing is I start to see a little bit of good after some of these times. Today after crying I thought to myself about my mom who died when I was young from cancer. I thought about where she was or where she went after dying. And I thought about my passed grandmother who I loved so much. I know that my mother and grandmother would have loved Kristen like a daughter or grandaughter. So I thought a good chance existed that my mom and my grandmother are making sure Kristen is welcomed and ok. I know I can't have her back but at least my other loved ones gone have her to share and enjoy. If you can't find someone to hug you, hug yourself you deserve it!

[blueangel]

There isnt really an answer to when grief subsides, length of healing is not definite in any situation.

But here is a poem to help along the way:

 

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there, I do not sleep

I am a thousand winds that blow

I am the diamond glints on snow

I am the sunlight on ripened grain

I am the gentle autumn's rain.

 

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

of soaring birds in circled flight.

I am the star that shines at night.

 

Do not stand at my grave and cry.

 

I am not there, I did not die.

 

written by Mary Elizabeth Frye (1905-2004).

[blueangel]

Ps.

 

Viktor E Frankl, holocaust survivor, stated once that anything can be survived as long as we can draw meaning from it, a purpose in a sense. He wrote the book Man's Search for Meaning in fact. And that meaning is up to you to determine, and meaning changes with the seasons and with the circumstance. That's how to apply logotherapy to your wounds. Meaning can be found through 1. creating/doing a work 2. loving someone 3. suffering for something (this point is overly simplified so look into it yourself if you are curious to understand more). And he taught that stripped of all humanity, he had left but one freedom: his attitude, the way he faced what happened to him would be his last choice. That this is the only real substance of what we are through his findings...shows in itself the significance of it over our lives. How do we face it?

 

The author of Beautiful Boy, David Sheff, suffered a loss in facing his son's drug addiction. Although the son didnt die, the person he was lost control. His son's name is Nic, and he faced an angry monster in the face of drug addiction rather than his beautiful boy, a sad pitiful state of existence. Besides unconditional love, and a LOT of research into drugs, and rehab centers and doing everything he could that way...he had to face a startling reality that everything might not be ok. That he was losing his son, losing control over something he lived for.

 

The meaning, you could say, was that he wrote this book which will "heal a lot of hearts and save a lot of lives." To an extent, I agree. But the lesson I truly got from this man's story is that...during the loss of someone else, he let anxiety, hopelessness, and despair rule his life. In the face of loss, where we are at such a point of starting over, such a point of delicate pain...we must make a choice despite circumstances so grave: We must still choose life.

[Dagless]

Big ((hugs)) melly. Sometimes walls have to fall so that we can see what's behind them. The way you feel now I felt like that for a long time. There is nothing wrong with letting it show, the world will understand if you say "This is hurting me, can't you see?"