Dagless Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 thank you CC and Dags!!! awww Dags, sending good feelings your way! HUGS! Thank you melly. Today I find myself wanting to be in the places where we use to be together only those places don't exist anymore. You can't go back..... Link to comment
raining.stars Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 This day last year at 6am I got the worst phone call, this day last year is when everything changed and it is when the world shattered. HOw do you celebrate the new year, when the day before forever marks the worst day of my life? Link to comment
mellybelly Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 I'm hurting for you guys and with you guys. I long to be in those places too, but you are right Dags. AHHH, this feeling is so crazy, it's like Michael is just a step away, but yet a world away, it's so weird being here without him. I can't wrap my mind around it. I just want it all back. I want him back. Sending love to you my fellow survivors. I hope this new year brings a sense of purpose for us all, along with newfound strength and a feeling of love that starts within and spreads to everyone in our lives. If anything, I hope this experience helps us share love with a world that can be so dark sometimes. Link to comment
raining.stars Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 I'm hurting for you guys and with you guys. I long to be in those places too, but you are right Dags. AHHH, this feeling is so crazy, it's like Michael is just a step away, but yet a world away, it's so weird being here without him. I can't wrap my mind around it. I just want it all back. I want him back. Sending love to you my fellow survivors. I hope this new year brings a sense of purpose for us all, along with newfound strength and a feeling of love that starts within and spreads to everyone in our lives. If anything, I hope this experience helps us share love with a world that can be so dark sometimes. Perfectly said Mel. Just a step away but a world away this is how I feel too. He feels so close and the love is so strong but he is far away. Great last paragraph too and great perspective! You know what is important in life, love is limitless and bottomless! the more you give the more you have. and yes we are surviors! its great that you can find love and hope even in the darkest times and still share it with others, that truly is a strength and a gift Mel! and even though this experience is horrible we can still learn something from it instead of being completely embittered and broken down. Much love to you too and Dags tov and all, hoping the new year brings peace, love, understnding and joy! Link to comment
thejigsup Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 I wish all of you love and peace of mind in 2009! No one deserves it more than you guys! Link to comment
Balbina Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 A different kind of loss... I always check this section of the forums to see if anyone in a similar situation posts, but I've yet to see it. It will be 6 years age this March when I was in a car accident and lost my eye and shattered my face, leaving me permanently disfigured. I may have not lost someone close to me, and I feel for all of your pain - I truly and sincerely wish you are nothing but peace with your selves and in your lives. The type of loss I have is different in everyway... I lost my life, as I knew it. I lost myself, when I no longer recognized myself in the mirror... I lost a lot of who I was then, of my dreams even. It is a loss that is hard to describe, because what do you do when you lose your identity?? I just wanted to share that. Some days are harder than others...especially dealing with the judgment that typically comes from people who don't know any better. But in the end, when I didn't recognize who I was on the outside, it made me dig a lot deeper to figure out who I was on the inside. My thoughts are with all of you. Link to comment
thejigsup Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Balbina, I hope you found something golden about yourself. I dove into a pool at the shallow end at the age of 17. I had no upper lift left and only a fraction of my nose. Plastic surgery helped a lot, but for a long time I didn't recognize the person in the mirror as myself. Time and surgery helped. I eventually was left with just a curious looking scar on my upper lip, the one they made for me with transplanted tissue from other parts of my body. Within a couple of years, I looked fairly normal if you didn't look too closely at my face. Never give up hope! Link to comment
raining.stars Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I wish all of you love and peace of mind in 2009! No one deserves it more than you guys! thanks jig, hoping you have a marvelous new year and thanks for all the support you give everyone here, truly a gift to ENA , much love Link to comment
raining.stars Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Balbina I am so sorry for your loss, I don't know what to write, because I have not had your experience, but I would like to say my thoughts are with you and I hope you will one day find peace and acceptance. There is a place inside you that is always you and cannot be destroyed, it is a special jewel and it is unique, it is you. Link to comment
raining.stars Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 These past days I have been really down, I mean it is really real that this is my reality, a reality without my Francisco, it has been over a year. My mind accepts he is gone and there is no miracle that can bring him back, but I know as my life goes on and I find my purpose, my soul will always ache until the day I die, I have accepted that too. Feeling scared to live my life. Have to take a leap, a risk. It is always hard to start life anew, to risk living life again when you have been destroyed by it before. I know the risk of living is pain. Fear gets the better of me most times, sometimes I feel like it controls my life. Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 CC, don't push yourself to move on until you are ready, don't do things out of fear. The first step to acceptance is realization, the realization that there is no miracle that will bring Francisco back to you is a big one and it takes time for that to sink in. Only move forward when you know you have the strength to do so. At times I found myself trying to push myself forward before I was ready to and I did it out of fear of standing still. Don't ever let fear drive you. ((Hugs)) Link to comment
raining.stars Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 CC, don't push yourself to move on until you are ready, don't do things out of fear. The first step to acceptance is realization, the realization that there is no miracle that will bring Francisco back to you is a big one and it takes time for that to sink in. Only move forward when you know you have the strength to do so. At times I found myself trying to push myself forward before I was ready to and I did it out of fear of standing still. Don't ever let fear drive you. ((Hugs)) Thanks so much Dags. Thankyou for providing me with your insight when I need it most. I do have a fear about standing still. Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Thanks so much Dags. Thankyou for providing me with your insight when I need it most. I do have a fear about standing still. At four months I nearly did something incredibly stupid. When I look back I can see how foolish it was but I realized that if things had worked out, like I thought I wanted them too, then not only would I have ended up hurt myself but I would have hurt someone else. I don't want you to make the same mistake I almost did. It taught me to just slow down and just take the time I needed. There is nothing wrong with standing still. Link to comment
raining.stars Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 There is nothing wrong with standing still. This is true, I get worried because I look around and everyone seems to moving at lightning speed whilst I feel stuck! and I dont know what I am doing with my career now, so it is stressing me out, so I feel like I should just be doing anything I had the dreams again when I keep trying to call him on his phone, and I panic because I realise I can't call him and then I keep thinking just let me know you are ok. Then I had a dream where I went to an op shop and I saw some of his stuff there it had been given away because he had died and I was with him and we went to collect the objects and I told him don't worry about these objects it is in the past we will create anew together. i think it is telling me the physical may me gone but the spiritual is always there and we are still creating together. Link to comment
mellybelly Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 I wish all of you love and peace of mind in 2009! No one deserves it more than you guys! thank you jig love! I wish a very happy year for you! : ) Link to comment
mellybelly Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Hello Balbina! I just wanted to send my love out to you! What an obstacle you have endured, I commend you for your strength in your journey...that last line I bolded especially stands out to me...the inside, our soul, is what matters. I wish so much peace for you too! love, melly Link to comment
mellybelly Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Hey CC darling, I can totally relate to your fear of the standstill. Time has been so warped for me these last months.......All the sudden it seems like it has gone so fast, and everything is a blur! I get scared too, that I don't know what I'm doing, that I need to be doing something important, and scared that I'm doing it all without Michael... All I can say is take your time. This is your life...you are on no one else's time. Lately I just try to think of all that I am so thankful for to get me through. I have dreams too.... SIGH. Standing with you girl. love LOVe. Link to comment
mellybelly Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Nobody Has to Stay, by Mirah lyrics... Rest up in the gentle sway Sister make a flower place The mother, father, brother grace A river of stones to keep her safe Come away with me today Everything should be okay Fill your pockets while you pray With some to eat and some to save Nobody has to stay But we wish they would anyways It is the evening of the days Where we have chosen to remain And while you hurt with all that pain The stars will kiss your pretty face Come away with me today Everything should be okay Fill you pockets while you pray With some to eat and some to save Nobody has to stay But we wish they would anyways Link to comment
mellybelly Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 As time keeps moving forward...I'm so afraid of losing Michael completely...and I'm sure that doesn't make sense to most. This is so hard dealing with this....I want to move on, but not let go. Is that possible? And actually no, I don't even want to move on, but rather I know I have no choice, it's so unfair! OH, I miss you michelly. I wish I had more answers. Link to comment
Dagless Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 As time keeps moving forward...I'm so afraid of losing Michael completely...and I'm sure that doesn't make sense to most. This is so hard dealing with this....I want to move on, but not let go. Is that possible? And actually no, I don't even want to move on, but rather I know I have no choice, it's so unfair! OH, I miss you michelly. I wish I had more answers. You do have a choice melly, it's just you are not ready to make it yet. Wanting to move on and being ready to are completely different things but there will be a time when you can pick yourself up and you know that you are ready to move forward. There are things in life which we lose most of the time we don't even know that we are losing them until we look back after many years and realize that they are gone. There are however things you never lose, time can never take away the love Michael gave to you and the memories you shared. It's only when you loosen the grip of them inside of yourself do you realize that they doesn't go anywhere. Love is in your heart to stay and memories are only as far away as how quickly you can remember them. Link to comment
mellybelly Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Thank you for that Dags! I needed to hear that! HUGS! Link to comment
raining.stars Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Hey CC darling, I can totally relate to your fear of the standstill. Time has been so warped for me these last months.......All the sudden it seems like it has gone so fast, and everything is a blur! I get scared too, that I don't know what I'm doing, that I need to be doing something important, and scared that I'm doing it all without Michael... All I can say is take your time. This is your life...you are on no one else's time. Lately I just try to think of all that I am so thankful for to get me through. I have dreams too.... SIGH. Standing with you girl. love LOVe. Thanks Mel! Sometimes it is easy to forget to be patient with oneself and when we look back we realise how far we have come. I have to remember that everyone is on their own journeys and life is not a race, sometimes it is just so hard to live in the moment and not worry about the future. I also feel scared about living this life without my Francisco, living a different life with new dreams, when the old dreams were so lovely. I know what you mean about the timewarp, it feels like a lifetime yet I don't know how it is already 2009 so fast, its like I am not ready to move forward but everything moves forward regardless with or without me. I like the song lyrics! bucket full of love! Link to comment
raining.stars Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 As time keeps moving forward...I'm so afraid of losing Michael completely...and I'm sure that doesn't make sense to most. This is so hard dealing with this....I want to move on, but not let go. Is that possible? And actually no, I don't even want to move on, but rather I know I have no choice, it's so unfair! OH, I miss you michelly. I wish I had more answers. I think it is possible and is a life long process sometimes, Dags said it perfectly again! you need not fear losing Michael completely, because he is always there. I used to be afraid of this too. Like Dags said when we let go of our grasping mind we realise that our loved ones are a part of our makeup now ,part of our soul, the roots now grow together, and nothing can force that apart no matter how hard anyone tried. and even if we forget the finer details of certain memories their love is part of our love , intertwined. No one can take away that impact Michael had on you , that love, because it is now part of you. Link to comment
mellybelly Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 OH, thank you for saying that CC! HUGS! Michael is definitely a part of my soul forever and always! I just can't wait to see him again one day...SIGH. Hmmm...lately I just feel weird.....I can't cry at all lately. Not that I want to cry. But I feel...just blah. I think it's just been such a whirlwind...and right now I'm just immune to everything, like whatever happens...happens. I know it's just a phase and I actually worry about what it will be like when the emotions are turned back on full force. Just have to keep riding the waves I suppose... Link to comment
raining.stars Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 hugs to Mel! I know it sounds weird sometimes when I havent cried in a while, I actually feel relieved when I do, because I feel like it is cathartic and letting all my stress out. Im feeling blah too, down and pointless, I hate feeling like this! It is tough being human sometimes! I have to keep reminding myself of the bigger picture! Link to comment
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