Let it out.

[blueangel]

I've been in those dark places too. *sigh* They are horrible. I remember that instead of a pill though, I needed human affection and human comfort. But I was without that, and we starve without that in those situations. So, it was my best substitute. What you need to watch out for is if you still feel a certain way or if it worsens over time. Your body does build a tolerance towards continued usage of these and at which point in time, you may find yourself feeling bent out of shape all of a sudden after a very good, stressless period. Keep your doctor and therapist very updated in how you are feeling.

 

Another thing I HIGHLY HIGHLY HIGHLY recommend is cardio. Cardio is a physical outlet for emotional stress, and works as a reliever of such. There are many studies which supports how it turns depression around. More so than relaxing yourself through yoga, but that's also good for you. It helps with focus.

 

Understand that grief comes in stages. All stages are temporary. I am a traumatized girl- I was traumatized over loss, but I am here and I am ok now. I used pills for a short while- I dont recommend them for teens as I had a bad experience using antidepressents. Try to see second opinions if you can about what pill. Do not just take anything easily or lightly. Become an expert of knowledge about the side effects towards what you are putting in your mouth. So when these side effects happen, instead of blaming yourself, first think- I need to tell someone. Lack of sleep will worsen these side effects so get yourself on a good schedule with that. Turn off the tv and computer in the evening.

 

Realize it wont solve the problem or the emotions. You will still feel pain. But it will HELP. The rest you have to take tiny steps on your own to recovery- see a therapist (and dont be afraid to shop around for the right one, because that's what you SHOULD do), write in a journal, and find a treadmill. In your journaling, you are going to have to express three things that may come in stages: The memories and moments you loved, what else in your life makes you strong right now, and how you want to use the pain to become stronger.

 

There are a few types of journaling: Unsent letters, reflection, cathartic (letting emotions out) and goal setting. Alternate these as you spend time working on inside, and most of all, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF> instead of trying to figure out the pain, take care of yourself and call THAT healing.

 

Lastly, it helps to read books on people who have survived or become stronger from what you are going through. When you need comfort, let their voice be a reminder you can be there too. Someday, you may join that choir! It may take some research to find but that's what google and amazon are for And there is enotalone! If I havent told you enough already haha, the very last method and best method I use is this: "Thank you God for already giving me the answer." Know it's to come and your anxiety is given away.

[mellybelly]

awesome post blueangel! thank you for that!

[mellybelly]

Big ((hugs)) melly. Sometimes walls have to fall so that we can see what's behind them. The way you feel now I felt like that for a long time. There is nothing wrong with letting it show, the world will understand if you say "This is hurting me, can't you see?"

 

Thank you Dags!! HUGS!

 

 

 

A coffee meet up with a friend tonight really helped! I'm struggling with feeling so discontent with everything right now. I loved my life with Michael so much!!! We were on our way together, and now I am here alone trying to pick up the pieces. I'm trying to find ways to motivate myself and continue on with my dreams, but sometimes it's so hard! I'm going to start going to some yoga classes and I think I might need to see a counselor of some sort. I know I've gotta do something to try and heal and be able to find meaning and be content in life! Otherwise, I am going to go insane! Also, some inner anger is coming to the surface too...anger like I have never felt, I am not used to this! I am not used to struggling so hard to be positive! It's frustrating and tiring...but I'm not giving up!! I'm a fighter and I am going to fight to make a difference in this life....SIGH just need a little hope and faith to get through. Sending PEACE and LOVE to you all!!!!!

[Mangoz]

I had no idea big geeks could be so gorgeous until I met him half a year ago. So unbelievably sweet, caring, and giving. But so very afraid of commitment. I'm trying to not feel it as a loss, for he gave me so much more than he probably knows. He seems so confused about women and has a hard time trying to understand us. I hope someday he can just relax and go with the flow.. I tried.. but he didn't seem to know what he wanted half of the time. I never tried to take more than he could offer, and it was never meant to last.. but life goes on.. and love will be.. with or without him.. cheesy as it sounds..

[raining.stars]

Thanks so much for the replies blueangel! hugs! , I especially like

 

what else in your life makes you strong right now, and how you want to use the pain to become stronger.

Thats what I am trying to do right now, sometimes it hard to see beyond the pain, but you are right we have to find meaning. It is funny that you should post about the search for meaning

stated once that anything can be survived as long as we can draw meaning from it

because I was just reading something similar about a study on healing from grief, that our mind has to find some kind of meaning in order to heal and endure tough situations.

 

it helps to read books on people who have survived or become stronger from what you are going through

Thanks for the advice, I think it helps that when you realise people have gotten through tough situations that we can do it too, we are a lot more resilient than we think we are.

[raining.stars]

Oh hugs to you Melly!!

It is Ok to feel discontent right now, its is part of this journey, I think it takes a long time to accept a future without our loves because we can see what the future was supposed to be, and slowly meaning will creep back in again.

I think yoga and counselling are a good idea!

Gotta let all that anger out too, I had a lot of anger too, it actually helped me to scream and punch a pillow to let it all out.

Melly you are such a fighter! I am proud of you! and I know Michael is proud of you too! You are a great soul, a treasure!

Much love

[blueangel]

Thanks so much for the replies blueangel! hugs! , I especially like

 

 

Thats what I am trying to do right now, sometimes it hard to see beyond the pain, but you are right we have to find meaning. It is funny that you should post about the search for meaning because I was just reading something similar about a study on healing from grief, that our mind has to find some kind of meaning in order to heal and endure tough situations.

Thanks for the advice, I think it helps that when you realise people have gotten through tough situations that we can do it too, we are a lot more resilient than we think we are.

 

I loved your response. And I think you have that resilience in you. It shiines through your voice on this thing. I hear it hunny!!

[raining.stars]

Just feeling so empty, I just want to go back to the way things were, I feel like I have resigned to this reality because its the only choice I have. I know it is up to me, but just feeling so unmotivated.

Its weird, I feel like once I feel like I am happy again, that I feel like something else bad is going to happen. I know I can't control the future and there is no point worrying, but I can't help thinking that once I am happy again, something else will happen again. I don't know if I am becoming a pessimist, but I don't know if I can handle the pain of truly being happy to a complete crash again. I know that is the risk of life, but losing Francisco has scared me terribly, the pain, I dont know if I could ever go through it again. I dont know if this even makes any sense.

Sometimes I don't like the person who I am now, I am always so sad. I try, but sometimes I think I am just not strong enough.

[mellybelly]

OH CC! I was literally crying on the floor tonight, thinking back to moments with Michael and basically sending thoughts out to him of how much I wish we could go back to those times!! If only!!! They are my greatest treasures...

 

And that is the hardest part that I think those of us who have experienced the loss of a partner who made life so wonderful, is that we have to go on in a life that is not as bright without them...tasting heaven and then being sent to a limbo of sorts....makes it horribly unmotivating!! BUT there are experiences still here for us to make us grow, to feel joy again, and to share with others...we just have to believe. It is so hard though! I feel like we are forced into being experts in patience...because basically we have to wade through so many moments of what feels like waiting...waiting to see our loved ones again. This has been the hardest lesson for me...I come from a family who definitely has issues with being patient! This has been torture to be patient with all of these overwhelming feelings...to be patient in having to miss Michael all the time....to be patient with myself...

 

I think you definitely make sense in your fears of finding happiness again and then having it all torn away again! I think it's completely understandable for you to feel this way! For me, I just have to put things in to a completely different perspective now. I know I can never have THAT happiness again. That was Michael and I's happiness...it can never be felt truly until we reunite again. thereforee, I can't lose it again...BUT yes there are other joys in my life that can be lost...and WILL be lost. This is the hardest lesson of it all, that in this life we lose mostly everything in a sense...BUT I feel like we never lose: the bonds we create with others, and our character. I think in your case CC, you are someone who bonds deeply with others and and seeks truly meaningful connections, and you are a beautiful soul! These are things that can't be lost! It's hard to face our fears, but I think that is what we have to work towards.

 

Just know that you are not alone in these feelings girl! REading your post was like reading a journal entry of my own. So much love to you!

[mellybelly]

Oh hugs to you Melly!!

It is Ok to feel discontent right now, its is part of this journey, I think it takes a long time to accept a future without our loves because we can see what the future was supposed to be, and slowly meaning will creep back in again.

I think yoga and counselling are a good idea!

Gotta let all that anger out too, I had a lot of anger too, it actually helped me to scream and punch a pillow to let it all out.

Melly you are such a fighter! I am proud of you! and I know Michael is proud of you too! You are a great soul, a treasure!

Much love

 

Thank you CC!!! I am proud of you too! And you are a wonderful kindred soul! Let your soul shine and you will be okay.

[raining.stars]

Thanks Melly! Hugs! I wish we could both go back to our treasured times.

 

BUT there are experiences still here for us to make us grow, to feel joy again, and to share with others...we just have to believe.

Thanks Mel, I needed to hear this, Ive just been feeling so deflated lately, like as the days go on Im losing my hope, . It has been so long without my Francisco here, it has almost been 2 years since Ive seen him in person. Im tired of being patient and waiting, we had to wait a year apart of long-distance and just when we were te be together again he was taken away, if there is some larger plan I can never understand why I couldnt see him one more time, it tears my soul apart sometimes. I guess I am tired of accepting what I cannot change. Sometimes I feel like my soul is screaming and there is nothing I can do, I feel powerless, that Ill always just have to miss him, I hate it. I also come from an impatient family! and this is the ultimate test of patience!

 

I know I can never have THAT happiness again. That was Michael and I's happiness...it can never be felt truly until we reunite again. thereforee, I can't lose it again...BUT yes there are other joys in my life that can be lost...and WILL be lost. This is the hardest lesson of it all, that in this life we lose mostly everything in a sense...BUT I feel like we never lose: the bonds we create with others, and our character

This is true, the same happiness can never happen again, and thats why it is so painful knowing it will never be again. I like the last line, very wise! I know it is true the important things can never be lost! Sometimes I feel as if my soul knows the truth but my mind won't accept it! it wants to hold on and never let go, but I know we can never really be separated from our loves we are connected in heart and spirit!

Thanks so much Mel, you feel like my soul sister! much love!

[tiredofvampires]

Melly, that's good that you can recognize anger for what it is....sometimes I think I'd almost rather feel angry than sadness, though it comes harder to me. It has more energy in it. Sometimes you have to feel outraged, just absolutely able to rage....and maybe writing it out will help you? If you write more about it here...the specifics, the thoughts that come up when you're angry...

 

BUT I feel like we never lose: the bonds we create with others, and our character. I think in your case CC, you are someone who bonds deeply with others and and seeks truly meaningful connections, and you are a beautiful soul! These are things that can't be lost! It's hard to face our fears, but I think that is what we have to work towards.

 

And that is such a wonderful and truthful post...it's hard to fill your heart with some of the great and powerful blessings of life when the one/thing you wanted the MOST is ripped away. But those other things are still there, blessing your life anyway.

 

One thing I keep coming back to again and again is trying to widen my perception of love...not that you don't already love many people and many things in life, nor do you take them for granted...but the nature of a beloved is that it's the epitome of all expressions of love fused into a union, so losing one's partner is like losing the core of one's heart.

 

I have had the feeling in my life of feeling my love was useless if I couldn't give it anymore to the one I loved like this. Or that my heart was a pale version of what it used to be, without them (even though it was not a loss of death). I have experienced in my life the feeling that I was a loving person but that it was all irrelevant if I couldn't give it and show it and bestow it upon them, that my love was truly meant and created for them.

 

There are few pains in this world as bad as knowing that there is no place for your love to go anymore because that one person is gone, and never coming back, in a temporal sense.

 

At times, it's helped me to realize that one of those things that we don't lose, besides the ones CC mentioned, is the power of love itself as a force that runs through our lives, runs through everything, and doesn't get cut off or shut off. Rather than thinking of love as "my" love, or "his" love, or "her" love, I think love is sort of like a current that belongs to everyone and empowers us like electricity. We all run on it, we all share it. And for a while, it specially connects two people in a unique way....but love belongs to no one, it's just the force that we are lucky enough to feel to its full measure when we do.

 

I hope this doesn't sound too cryptic or just out in the ether.....I think what I'm saying is that it helps me for some reason when I realize love is a force, not a thing I ever owned, and that it is for the experiencing anywhere, anytime, with anyone (and every time it will shine through uniquely) in this life because our hearts are meant to conduct it, to hold its charge like a battery. So, we never lose love, even though we may lose people who we love. We never lose the chance to use our hearts for everything they're worth, because that's what they were meant to do.

 

You never lose that power you have harnessed and know, which belongs to no one and flows freely for the taking.

 

Lotsa love and hugs to you all!!

[raining.stars]

think love is sort of like a current that belongs to everyone and empowers us like electricity. We all run on it, we all share it. And for a while, it specially connects two people in a unique way....but love belongs to no one, it's just the force that we are lucky enough to feel to its full measure when we do.

You never lose that power you have harnessed and know, which belongs to no one and flows freely for the taking

Beautiful TOV! hugs and love to you too!

This is true we can never own anything or have anything forever, I think love is a gift, beautiful moments and memories are a gift and the past is something that never happens again, thats why you have to be awake for the present and treasure it when it does happen.

 

 

 

I found this passage in a book:

"It is important to feel the sadness, but emotion is always only a partial resolution. Grief is complete only with a shift in being, in the way you live, think, and relate to the world. You can imagine every emotion having its yin and yang. Grief turns inside out into vision and courage. Sadness reverses itself in empathy and understanding. To live only one side of emotion is incomplete. You may feel at impasse with it, stuck and unable to see a way out. You stay with the feeling until it shows its other dimensions. YOu can't program such a development or demand its revelation, but you can give yourself to the condition of your soul with hope'

 

My heart is aching from missing Francisco, last night I listened to a message he left me, his voice seems so surreal now. Even though the grief will surpass, Im am trying to learn to accept the pain of missing him because I know Ill never stop missing him, so I know I have to learn to live with it, it is so hard,

[tiredofvampires]

I found this passage in a book:

"It is important to feel the sadness, but emotion is always only a partial resolution. Grief is complete only with a shift in being, in the way you live, think, and relate to the world. You can imagine every emotion having its yin and yang. Grief turns inside out into vision and courage. Sadness reverses itself in empathy and understanding. To live only one side of emotion is incomplete. You may feel at impasse with it, stuck and unable to see a way out. You stay with the feeling until it shows its other dimensions. YOu can't program such a development or demand its revelation, but you can give yourself to the condition of your soul with hope'

 

What a wonderful excerpt, CC! Thanks for sharing that, it's awesome...these are the things that I try to focus on, when it feels like the job is just completely gratuituous and thankless, and neverending.

 

I do believe that the things we normally think of as bringing us happiness are wonderful, and beautiful, but like bubbles floating through the air with rainbows in them.....they are really ephemeral.

 

It's balanced though by the fact that sadness, for however long it floats, is equally transmutable.

 

Each has their time with us....and both are impermanent states.

 

I do think that suffering, loss and grief bring sadness, but we are gaining in wisdom, all of us, and as tiring and just plain unsatisfying it feels like in the process, I believe wisdom brings happiness that isn't as fleeting as an emotion. Wisdom brings happiness that can't be taken so easily, once found. Because with wisdom comes perspective that can handle the hardest of emotions and welcome them into life. And being able to find a place for things, a rightness out of wrongness, that is the reward of happiness -- not just a broken and sad happiness, but a happy happiness -- very hard-won, but more lasting.

 

My heart is aching from missing Francisco, last night I listened to a message he left me, his voice seems so surreal now. Even though the grief will surpass, Im am trying to learn to accept the pain of missing him because I know Ill never stop missing him, so I know I have to learn to live with it, it is so hard,

 

Ohh, CC, that's so rough. ((hugs)) I was thinking about this last night....that you can never hope to fill the hole, or replace what is gone, the missing will always be there. You can try to distract yourself in the hopes that it will alleviate the sense of goneness, and that is a good thing to be doing, but it's also important to recognize that you aren't able to run from the missing him. So it's best to just think of life's efforts to continue doing the best for your mind and spirit as running parallel to the missing him, allowing your life without him and your life with him to walk side by side. To let them coexist.

[raining.stars]

So it's best to just think of life's efforts to continue doing the best for your mind and spirit as running parallel to the missing him, allowing your life without him and your life with him to walk side by side. To let them coexist

 

Thanks So much TOV! Don't know what I would do without your wisdom!

I need to write down the quote so I can look at it again! YOu should write a book of Tov's pearls of wisdom!

 

Yes I have to keep reminding myself of this, just like the other quote in your previous post about realising instead of trying to go back to the same song, we have to create a new song. Because it is true I feel like I am going insane because I keep wanting to go back to a life that doesn't exist anymore. But that is beautiful what you wrote, to let them coexist side by side.

Much Love!

[Al B]

cc - You are young and have so much life to live. That is what living is about, to live. Our time is short on this earth and to be able to experience the powerful feeling of love that you and Francisco shared is awesome. I also wish to step into the time machine and go back but that isn't how life works. I guarantee that Francisco is sending you a way to continue and be happy with the rest of your life. Soon you will recognize the signs and you will smile like you did when you were together. Those good feelings that you and he had are not lost and are being carried forward in your life. I can tell by your writings that you are a kind compassionate person and you will have happiness again.

Take care,

Allen

[raining.stars]

^ Thankyou so much Allen, I needed to hear this.

I hope you are doing OK.

You are a great guy btw, i like your avatar with your kitty!

[indierockgrl]

Today i am a little bit sad. I am alive but i am walking in a bit of a haze. I have been reading everyones entries and i can seriously relate. I am a bit more sad than usual. Maybe i am just missing him a bit more than usual. Tonight everyone is taking me out for my 3 month in recovery. I am sad. Still feeling like i am missing an important person, someone that should be not only here supporting but celebrating his sobriety.... a sobriety he never achieved. I feel like crying. But if i do, it wont stop. Its hard because grief doesnt care what time it is or where you are, it just envelopes you as if it were a sweater that doesnt fit right but too tight to take off. I have to get myself together, How good would it look if my patients came in and saw me crying..... they would think i was the one that needed psychiatric care..... I am sad. I am lonely. I grieve. I miss my baby Ken. RIP.

[Dagless]

((hugs)) RT, if you feel like crying then just take a little time for yourself and let it all out. Don't try and keep things in, emotions need to come out.

[indierockgrl]

I often wonder Dag if people find my sadness annoying. I am paranoid and always worry about everyone else. Today i try to find peace but i am aggrevated that this is happening. Why me? Why am i alive. I should have been dead but im here and he isnt. I sat and watched him shoot heroin into his arms and i didnt do anything. How weak is that? How can i celebrate myself when i hate myself right now. Gosh, am i unhappy right now.

[Dagless]

Don't worry about how other people see you. You feel how you feel and there is nothing wrong with that.

[indierockgrl]

((hugs)) RT, if you feel like crying then just take a little time for yourself and let it all out. Don't try and keep things in, emotions need to come out.

 

Thank you always for the kind words.

[mellybelly]

I just can't wrap my mind around the fact that I have to miss you for the rest of my life!!!!!!!!! I'm tired of having to miss you.

[Dagless]

Melly, I know it won't seem like it now but a time will come that when you think of Michael all you will feel is love for him. There was a time when I would think of Lisa I would feel all kinds of things; anger, regeat, sorrow the list goes on. But now I only feel the love we shared. I still miss her, I'm not sure if that ever goes away.

[mellybelly]

Thank you Dags!!

 

HUGs for you!

 

It's almost been six months and sometimes I feel like the pain gets worse! Last night I was so overwhelmed with the deepest hurt ever...and it's just that the one person who could make it better, can't. Sometimes it's all just so consuming... And lately I'm just getting frustrated with people in general...people can be so rude to one another, and I just think, that person is a treasure, why are you treating him/her in such a way? It's like people truly don't have respect for life sometimes.

 

Thank you for the encouragement Dags, I really hope there is a moment like that, that comes for me! Mostly I do only feel love...but you are right, there are all kinds of feelings mixed in, mostly just a deep sorrow for having lost him.

 

Love ya!