Let it out.

[tiredofvampires]

It's almost been six months and sometimes I feel like the pain gets worse! Last night I was so overwhelmed with the deepest hurt ever...

 

This reminds me a bit of something that appeared on another thread (Storeys'), which I had intended on posting about, but regretfully, I didn't get a chance... He had mentioned being still "amazingly sad" at 14 months (*hope it's okay I'm quoting you here, Storeys, with this!*)

 

I think what happens is that the pain and feeling of waiting, and yearning, and just wanting it to STOP is so strong, that it's hard to see that 6 months is NOT a long time, even though it feels like it's been going on forever and ever, unrelentingly. Fourteen months is even really miniscule in the face of time, in our lives. I don't find it "amazing" at all that someone would still be agonized at 14 months over a loss so severe and life-altering. So it feels like there should be more advancement, or some evolution that is not happening right, that your progress is stunted, when in fact you are right where you are supposed to be in terms of how you're feeling. It feels awful, so it's hard to say you're "supposed to" feel this way, but given the loss you've experienced, how on earth could you feel any other way at this point in time? At 6 months, a year, a year plus 2 months....against the backdrop of your life, the years you still have to live (which now sound like a prison sentence, I know!), you are still in the raw and bleeding stages. You cannot expect the love of your life, your soulmate up to this point to leave the world and to feel anything less than what you are feeling now.

 

But those years stretching on in front of you that seem like a prison sentence are actually not going to be or feel like how you are imagining them right now. You only can imagine them, they are not real, they haven't come into existence yet. So they are all a mystery. 3 years, 5 years, 10 years from now -- you will still miss Michael, yes, but it will feel very different from how it feels right NOW. So try not to project your current feeling onto what it will feel like forever and ever, because it's going to change. Time has a way of working magic on loss and pain, even the worst kind. It tempers it, softens it, allows it to be, more. I liken it to a pain that's so bad you can't even get out of bed for a while, it hurts so much to move. So for a while, you are immobilized. Then, you can start to move around and get out of bed, but it's still excruciating to do so. So you are in excruciating pain the whole time, right, but look....you are actually doing more with the pain because you are healing. It's not just staying as it was, even if you're hurting. Then after even more time, you have moments where it hurts less to do certain things; then you can start to do more things; and the pain is still there, but look, you are doing more things. And then the things you first did bring on less pain. The things you can do now are more, and the pain itself is less excruciating, it's just there. You are aware of it, but it is something you aren't paralyzed with.

 

And then the day comes when you can do most things and even enjoy doing them, but you still have your twinges. You have days where the injury "acts up" and you hurt again. And that will always be a weak spot, always. It will sometimes come up again, but what do you do? You nurse it until the feeling, the pain passes and you can resume living, knowing it is always there as your "spot".

 

But this takes a lot of time, it's not going to happen by tallying up months and saying, "Why am I so miserable, still?" The wound heals only as it can, and the time it takes is as great as the loss. This was a great loss, and it will take a great amount of time. But it WILL change for you, in terms of how you feel the missing him, it won't consume you into eternity the way it feels like now. So just don't try to imagine the future and how that will be. That will just scare the heck out of you and make you feel helpless, and trapped, and stagnant, when in fact this is an open river that is flowing in a direction.

 

What seems unthinkable, unimaginable and impossible now will one day become possible.

 

I understand totally the need to count the months off, but at the same time, don't place any stock in them whatsoever. They are irrelevant.

[Dagless]

Hugs to you to melly.

 

Sometimes the pain can just hit you and it hurts so deep that the more you feel it the deeper it hurts but this pain is only temperory, it's only love that is perminent. Time is linear put feelings go round in circles. It's been thirteen months for me and the cycle of feelings still come around, you just have to ride the wave to wherever it takes you.

[Dylon]

I miss my brother Jadon so bad. Sometimes i don't know if i can handle the guilt and pain anymore, like right now. He was the funniest kid ever, and could make anyone smile.

Jadon: i hope you know i love you. I never meant to get into that accident, im so sorry and i want to tell you that SO bad. I just love you so much, and i would give anything to have you back. I need you right now, you were always so funny. We had so many inside jokes, they keep running through my head. All the guys miss you, and Parker says hey. Gosh Jadon if only you knew how sorry i am, i cant stop crying. I hate myself for this whole thing ya know? Im sorry. Ill never stop saying that, ill say it everyday for as long as i live. Its hard right now, i cant stop thinking about you..your favorite songs are all on a playlist on the computer, some songs i dont even like but im listening to them anyways! Well love ya bud, and i really cant wait to see you..i wish it could be sooner than later..ill try to get these crazy thoughts out of my head, but no promises..i just really want to see you, i almost need it. i cant go on like this J, i really dont think i can..i will keep tryin though.

[indierockgrl]

Today is a really good day!!!! I got enough sleep last night and my head feels pretty good. I am trying not to think about "him" and get started on that roller coaster of emotions i usually have. Dylon, im so sorry to hear about your loss. I have just recently lost someone so i know how you feel, at least i will say i can relate. I hope that you can stay strong for your brother and your family. Life is such a mystery. We can all say we dont understand why things happen the way they do. But i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it can be really cruel and hard to understand. I think all of us can tell you that. But you are young and you do have time to heal and possibly live your life in honor of your brother. Help and mentor people that have suffered a loss. I hope you find peace.

I feel so good i feel like i dont want this feeling to end. I am smiling and laughing. Something i havent felt in so long. Being an addict, i always looked for a substance to make me feel this way. I am blessed.

 

Ken, I miss you everyday. I think of you every second. I hope that you know that your death was not in vain. You saved me when you died. I have the new beginning i have been praying for and we are forever connected in life and in death. I love you.

[anon1977]

My Dad passed away suddenly last week. He was 58. I have so many thoughts and feelings running around my head. I feel guilty because I left the family 5 years ago and basically said to my dad that he was a bad father to me when I was a kid and that I needed to move on with my life without him. I was so harsh and didn't accept him for who he was or appreciate the little things he was trying to do to say he was sorry for not being a great dad. I had bad feelings for my dad for so many years, but now I just wish I could have dealt with those things years ago and just moved on. At the funeral yesterday people were saying how much he used to talk about me and how proud he was of me. I had my reasons for not wanting to see him, but now they seem insignificant and I will never get the chance to make up with my dad. I'm so sorry, Dad!

[KG]

You are gone, but we are here.

We are trying to deal with this sudden unravelling of our lives with you.

And we witness every event knowing you would have laughed, cried, screamed joyously, or silently seethed.

 

We are different people now, lost in a world where we did everything together.

We argued, shouted, hugged, high-fived, kissed, and made love in that big bed.

Now that that world is suddenly empty, we stumble around like strangers sometimes,

without the glue that you once were.

 

Our love for you is immense, but cannot overpower the loss. We try, and fail. We try and succeed. We are a rudderless ship, sometimes the seas are tranquil, more often lately, it's an emotional hurricane. You were our anchor, and now we are adrift.

[indierockgrl]

Its almost the 3 month anniversary since i lost you. It feels like yesterday. Why? that is the question i can ask over and over and over. I miss you. You have been on my mind constantly. I feel like i cant get past the pain. I cant seem to wrap my head around the hole you left. So many things i want to share with you. I even call your phone that goes straight to voicemail. Like your going to answer or something. I wonder how much longer until that number no longer exsists. your voice plays over and over in my mind like a record that skips. i try to always remember. i miss that dry humor. it was always on point. i am lost in this life. trying to keep going. trying to make you proud.... i hope you can see what i have done since you left. i will always think of you first. we are connected until the day i see you again. i miss you

[KG]

That is just beautiful!

[indierockgrl]

That is just beautiful!

 

I think that you are beautiful.. god bless you and your son.

[Al B]

It's been almost 3 monthes since my love my Kristen has past. I have been feeling like my life is moving again. But tonight I felt the sorrow and fell apart. I long to hold her, smell her, make love to her, share my life with her.

I know it can only happen now in a dream. Please let me dream of her tonight.

[indierockgrl]

Today i am full of feelings and i dont know which one to deal with first. I am confused, I am love, I am saddened, I am hope.......... I stuggle with myself and all these things not knowing which one to go with. Im a girl, im an emotional being. Im sensitive, im nurturing, i want to care, i want to love. I am afraid that i will never fall head over heels in love again, how can i be thinking of that at this time in my life.....why cant i just be content with what i have? Human nature i suppose.....i miss passion. I miss kisssing and holding and making love. PASSION. it feeds the soul. will i grow old without ever having that in my life again.... im young, my heart is huge and i am blessed. i am afraid that the time has past.... my opportunity has come and gone.....i am an old soul in a young body.

 

i am reborn.

[KG]

^^^rturner.....

Yes, you will find love again. You are young, and express yourself beautifully.

[Dagless]

All the things you feel, you have to let them all flow. Have faith that there is a part of you that has to express itself through all these conflicting emotions and let them be. It's okay to have fears for the future but know that there will be a time to think about love and falling in love, it's just right now isn't that time.

[indierockgrl]

I know Dag, i am a romantic. I know that i am full with what is on my plate. Love is a wonderful thing...( wow isnt that a cheesy 80s song) But seriously, your right. I know that i need time to close doors that are open, i know that i need time for ME. I think the words were just pouring out. Sometimes they come, and there is no filter.

 

KG, your the sweetest.

[indierockgrl]

I just had too....

 

It is going on 5 months now..... since the last time we saw each other......last night, i was feeling amazing. clean mind... crisp thoughts..... happiness in a way i havent experienced in quite a long time.... i was watching something on TV and they were talking about a herion addict.... something hit me like a ton of bricks. emotion flooded through my head like a levy that just couldnt hold. I dont think i have cried that way in a good month or so.......it was a sob.. a cleansing sob. i have realized all of the hurt i caused and created. i missed you like something i never really had but always wanted to possess. i wonder where you are... if you are standing right in front of me but only you could see me. maybe you would reach out to me.. touch my face like you used too. kiss my forehead. just reassure that you live on. just in a different realm. i really cant believe how intense grief can be, when it just comes and goes like the seasons.... never really knowing when it will hit but comes with such certainty. i still carry you in my heart. that will never disappear. time may lessen the pain, the shock, of your passing... but the love only remains as intense as it was when we were together. After my experience last night... i was melancholy. a warm shiver came accross my body, goosebumps..... i wasnt cold... it must have been you.....just making your presence known. Letting me know, its ok to still cry.....that you will still be there, every step of the way. i miss you.