boarderline personality disorder?

[lux848]

hi all (sry for this long post), anyone here know anything about this disorder (BPD)? i'm in my early 20s. and for the first time, i suspect that i've been living with this disorder for my whole life. i came to this conclusion last week when i got dumped. ironically, now i think back, the girl who dumped me also suffers from the same disorder (i came to this conclusion from many of the things she told me about herself).

 

i'm not a psychologist, but i have since did a lot of research on the documented causes and symptoms of this disorder. there's a chance that i may not have it. however from what i've read, there's a high possibility that i do. those of you who aren't familiar with this disorder can look it up on wiki, youtube, and google.

 

if you talk to me, i appear just like a normal person. i can be funny, energetic, and if we share the same interests, i can be a lot of fun to be around with.

 

- my mom raised me during my childhood, my dad was always away for business

- i was often beaten physically when i was a kid (when i did things that were deemed wrong/bad)

- i had a golden retriever when i was 11. i used to beat my dog whenever i parents beat me. i realized beating my dog was wrong, i stopped. my dog was always my best friend then he died in my arms (he got hit by a car).

- we moved around A LOT. for 15 years, i changed addresses about every 2 years on average. i lived in 3 different countries in my adolescent years. so i never had a chance to maintain any long term friendship with anyone.

- i was always very shy.

- i commited suicide once from severe depression and anxiety at age 17/18. i was told i barely escaped death

- i've had 3 relationships since i was 18. all 3 girlfriends i dated have all had some problems in their lives. my first girlfriend was actually a 49 year old! my second was from a single family, my third dumped me for another guy (was seeing him behind my back)

- i've been semi-anti-social for a long time.

- i participated in skydiving numerous times because i have a death wish. however i'm not suicidal. i dont cut myself.

- i'm alive because i don't want my parents and my 10 yo brother to go through the pain.

- i feel very empty inside. lonely. unfulfilled.

- i know if i dont cure my disorder even if i find another girlfriend, eventually i will find ways to sabotage the relationship unconsciously.

- i've been unable to commit to a job for long.

- i hold a marketing diploma with honours. so i know i'm not stupid. i know i can do well if i set my mind to it.

- but right now i can barely hold the minimum GPA for my economics degree.

- right now i'm still living off my dad. although i'm desperately trying to establish my own career. but i dunno where to start. there're so many things i want to do. i know i must choose one. i feel mentally paralyzed because i want to do them all.

- i used to skateboard. i can endure the pain of severe bruises, skin rashes, and many nasty falls. i snowboard, i can endure the pain from muscle pain, impact trauma from high falls. i can endure the pain from crashing my motorcycle 3 times in one year. i can endure the fear from skydiving. BUT i can't endure this emptiness, i can't endure the boredom from a boring job, i can't endure the hardwork and commitment required for a career. i can't endure rejection from people. can someone explain this irony to me?

 

i could go on but it'd make this thread too long. thank you for reading. i thank you in advance for any comments.

[alli]

People with BPD can be very manipulative & difficult to get along with. They also do things to undermine themselves. For example, go to college for 3 1/2 years & drop out in the last month before getting their degree. You said you a very familiar with the disorder so I don't think I'm telling you anything new.

 

The best source of information would be for you to look up the diagnostic criteria in the DSM IV- the bible of the psychology.

 

Really, people have a tendency to diagnose themselves with things they don't have. You probably have a few symptoms of a lot of different disorders, but it is difficult to understand the degree to which it is considered valid unless you have studied a lot in that area.

 

If you want to know if you have BPD, you should see a clinical psychologist.

[alli]

These things are best diagnosed by professionals. We can all look at tests and lists and if we look and think hard enough we can find ourself on any one of them. The internet is a notriously BAD place to find out stuff about disorders. Really if you think this is an issue start by seeing your dr.

 

That's what I was trying to say; you said it better

[lux848]

oh i forgot to mention. i'm currently looking for psychologist for a proper diagnosis.

[My Advice]

I know A LOT about this disorder. Somebody very close to me committed suicide who had it.

 

and I have picked it up where many doctors during evaluations have failed to do so (with her).

 

But having sufficient information for an opinion on line is pretty hard. Usually these are people I know extremely well.

 

You also haven't mentioned any of the major criteria for it. Without looking it up and predisposing yourself to a biased statement, what are the stresses you find yourself in with close friends and relationships?

 

Dating an older woman isn't strong evidence for being borderline.

 

A BPD usually has black and white thinking with regards to their relationships, idealizing them and then even through perceived slights suddenly seeing them as demonic entities. They try to beat people down to prove to themselves that the person loves them.

 

Severe depression.

 

As with all personality disorders they are manipulative, feel most comfortable with shallow or unstable relationships, and often very sadistic.

 

Best fictional characters who summarize borderline personality disorders: Glen Close in Fatal Attraction (minus the last ten minutes where she tries to murder Micheal Douglas) and Tony Soprano's mom in The Sopranos.

 

Check out the book: I Hate you, don't leave me, for the best book I have read on it.

 

Also, do you have any chemical disorders such as depression or bipolar depression?

 

 

Also, get a psychiatric evaluation- see two docs and see which one you like the best.

 

 

A lot of information, visual cues in your communication, all contribute to a proper diagnosis and it is easy to be misdiagnosed, even by a professional.

 

It takes a lot of deprogramming. And don't leave the doctor in a fit of frustration if you are. That is very common among borderlines and they are considered one of the hardest types of people to treat, but if you are willing, you can change.

[sarey]

I may have BPD, my psych told me I have difficulty in Emotional Regulation. BPD can also be known as Emotional Regulation Disorder, which I've been told is the new name for it in the UK. BPD is very complicated. link removed

 

It actually describes me so well come to think of it...

[alli]

A lot of mental disorders have some of the same symptoms. From what you have said, it doesn't really sound like BPD to me. You definitely have symptoms of depression & may very well have some other disorder. But we won't be able to give you even close to an accurate diagnosis by reading what you've said about yourself. That's good you are looking for a psychologist. A good source would be for you to make an appointment with your normal doctor & ask them to refer you to a good psychologist. Better chance your insurance will cover it this way.

[lux848]

People with BPD can be very manipulative & difficult to get along with. They also do things to undermine themselves. For example, go to college for 3 1/2 years & drop out in the last month before getting their degree.

 

i used to be somewhat manipulative. i stopped because i dont like doing it. sometimes i still find myself doing it without thinking. i do undermine myself sometimes too.

 

- i took a real estate course but on the day of the examine. i didnt even go.

- i took a life insurance course, i failed the examines cuz i didnt study enough.

- i was going to apply to be a cop. i passed all physical and preliminary IQ/EQ tests but i now i feel no urge to submit the application.

- i was going to join the army reserves. on the day of the attitude test i called in and backed out.

- there's this university course that i was going to drop. but i stayed in thinking i could do it. but i didn't do any work. i hate to drop it last minute. wasting $1500.

- i could buy a video game console, play it, then return it cuz i think playing games are a waste of time. i did this repeatedly for 4-5 times over the course of 2 years. wasting money

- there are many others but i cant of any right now.

 

pretty sad huh?

[lux848]

what are the stresses you find yourself in with close friends and relationships?

 

during relationships i get feelings that they are being unfaithful to be. if they have a good friend that's male, i will get jealous. and have arguments about it.

 

with friends, i sometimes get paranoid that they are there just to use me. the ironic thing was, i was the one that was dishonest and unfaithful. i justify myself by saying to myself what i did was just pure retaliation.

[My Advice]

during relationships i get feelings that they are being unfaithful to be. if they have a good friend that's male, i will get jealous. and have arguments about it.

 

with friends, i sometimes get paranoid that they are there just to use me. the ironic thing was, i was the one that was dishonest and unfaithful. i justify myself by saying to myself what i did was just pure retaliation.

 

Lux, again, it is pretty impossible for even the best doctor to evaluate you on enotalone. I only am confident about my knowledge of this disorder because of very close personal experience with several years of studying it. But I am not silly enough to think I can tell you if you are borderline or not here. You should not only see a doctor but also research it with numerous books. Check out the one I suggested.

 

Your latter statements are things that a borderline does but people who aren't borderline also behave that way. Borderlines take it to a very extreme level. This girl drove away almost everybody and killed herself out of guilt.

 

 

There is speculation that both Hitler and Stalin might have been borderline (as well as anti social personality disorder aka sociopaths).

 

 

My red flags are always raised about girls who might have this disorder so I study it (among other abnormal behaviors).

 

 

I will say that the fact you are asking these questions and are still young puts you a head of the game for whatever you are suffering from.

[lux848]

^ thank you. sry to hear about your friend. i just hope whatever depression/disorder i have will go away forever so i can focus on my life sooner the better. but this hope itself is making me a little stressed because i dont know what the future holds for me.

[My Advice]

Lux patterns of behavior though can usually be beaten if you are committed to beating it.

 

I have a positive feeling that you can if you work hard with a mental health professional who is good with you and don't stray from therapy.

 

I might add meditation and mindful non accusatory ways of dealing with relationship communication. Knowing that a lot of paranoia is usually in your head creates self awareness and knowing yourself will give you power to understand feelings. When you understand why you are feeling a certain way and not giving these feelings the same legitimacy they had before it makes it easier to let go and live more healthy. It sounds like a cheesy pep talk but I spent almost my entire life struggling not to kill myself and then the hell things like my falling out with her and then her death brought with it. Asserting control over your mind is power money can't buy.