I'm a MESS! 4th breakup!

[roxy1234]

I am so confused My fiance and I have had a very rocky relationship for the past year or so.. We have been together just over 2 years and we fight SO much.. we argue too much and conflicts get so out of hand that my fiance gets so angry and has a terrible rage problem.. He verbally abuses me, screams, yells, threatens me (not physically) and says really nasty rude things.. He just gets so angry and can't handle himself. I love him with all my heart, and when we don't fight we are happy and love each other very much. I have been so afraid of marrying him & having children, (I am 26) and he hates that I am not ready for that commitment. But we have such a toxic relationship that I am not so sure it will be good for us to continue or bring kids into that environment. I have broken up with him 4 times now in the last 2 years... The longest was a 1 month breakup in September.. I started going on dates and met a very cool guy who has so many of the same interests as I do.. He is a teacher and plays volleyball like I do, we are SO similar even down to our tastes in music, tv shows, our love for the sun/beach.. we just hit it off so well. I went on about 3 dates with him and my fiance came around and wanted to work things out... I was VERY hesitant to give it another try, because everytime we get back together things are good for awhile and then BOOM conflicts come out all the time and we argue, fight, yell/scream, he is nasty to me, calls me names and swears at me.. tells me to go F myself.. etc.

Our last breakup was just this past weekend, and he completely went nuts over an argument and I told him that I can't do this for the rest of my life! I can't be with someone who has such a rage problem and gets so angry to the point of verbal abuse and scaring me! I get knots in my stomache when I know we are fighting and it's going to escalate and get worse.

He doesn't like me going out without him (especially to bars), he doesn't seem to trust me.. even though I have NEVER done a thing wrong in our relationship. When we have broken up, we have both started talking to exes or went on dates, etc. But once we get back together everything stops- there are no issues.

 

This past breakup, I called that teacher/vball guy again as I was thinking alot about him.. We went to watch the UFC fight at a pub and just had a really great time.. I went back to his house with his roommate & his GF and we all just chilled and the guy was very sweet, a total gentleman, made me a grilled cheese sandwhich lol.. and we just talked later into the night and I left.

 

My fiance called and called all night, wants to work it out, says we can get through everything.. We met up and slept together and he wants me to bring all my stuff back to his house and work it out.

I am sooooooooooooooooooo confused I just want to be happy.. and I just want a normal relationship and now I don't know what to do... I love my fiance, and I want to be with him but I want it to be healthy and happy... But this other side of me sees this new guy as such a stable, healthy, mature person that I am completely compatible with and maybe I need to give him a chance?

 

I realize it is not that healthy to jump into another relationship, but I wouldn't even want that.. Just to meet someone new who is sweet,caring and maybe we can become good friends. I am always honest with people, and he knows my situation from the first time we met.. I wouldn't jump into anything serious if I wasn't into him, I wouldn't want to hurt him.

 

Anyone else been in a similar situation? A very rocky on & off relationship??

[redhearts]

First of all, you need to cut it off with the new guy because you aren't being fair to him. You still love your ex, your still calling him your fiance, not your ex fiance. You even slept with him. You are being a very weak person right now and that is why your ex fiance thinks he can control you. He needs some anger management, some hard core therapy, you need therapy, you both need pre marital cousneling and relationship counseling. Some men like him though, don't change. If he doesn't want to change, he wont.

 

I really think you need to be on your own. Do you rush every relationship you start?

[blaine]

When it gets to the point that all you are doing is fighting all the time, it's time to be honest with yourself and ask you what it is about the relationship that makes it all worth it.

 

And there's got to be an awful lot to offset constant fighting and arguing, which causes an incredible amount of stress on top of all the other BS we have to deal with in life.

 

Also know this...if and when you get married, and get kids, and get a mortgage, and bills...it doesn't get better. In fact, much more often than not, it gets worse.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I ditto what redhearts has said. You need some time on your own. As soon as things break off with your fiance you are calling up this other guy. That is very unfair to him and it is also very unhealthy for you. It shows that you are unable to be alone without a man in your life for longer than five minutes. Not a good way to go through life. Your fiance is abusive and you shouldn't have to live like that. Why not break it off for good and take time to re-assess your life...don't jump into another relationship because you have to figure out why you would put up with this kind of abuse and why, the minute you are broken up you immediately try to find another man. You have some insecurity and self-esteem issues that you need to sort out before embarking on another relationship.

[Hunny1607307342]

I dont think the poster is attracted to this new guy just because she WANTS A new guy- he might just happen to be there in her life. he does sound like a genuinely nice guy from what we have read and i think situations like these are quite rare to come by. MY advice is, sinceyou haven't yet made any commitments to the new guy, its not the end of the world if you are having a relationship with your ex, still. I dont think its a good idea, but i dont think that its a sin. At the end of the day, its always so lovely to have a distraction from your toxic ex from a nice gentleman.

And your ex- he does sound so toxic. I reckon a month is way way way way too short a time to be broken up. If you want to see some REAL changes in him i say leave him for 6 months , dont talk tohim, dont answer his calls, texts, nor give off any information about your life to him. just let him GO.

and try dating, friendship, whatever you want, without his nose in your business. he has no right to control your actions when you arent together.

if you have SUBSTANtiaL time apart it might help you realise what you actually want/what you have to have in your life/what youre willing to sacrifice.

[roxy1234]

I appreciate the responses.. and I do agree I shouldn't jump into something right away.. It's not healthy, and I do know that.... I can be alone, I don't have fears of being alone... I think for me it boils down to what Hunny mentioned... that being around a sweet nice guy is sort of refreshing and reminds me what I SHOULD be with... I don't have a problem cutting off my fiance, it is STAYING AWAY from him. I love him.... I want him to improve and change and get some help. He loves me, he just doesn't know how to be healthy.. he is very needy and insecure and he just wants us to get married and be together all the time. He is so afraid of losing me, but his actions and behaviors are PUSHING me away.

 

I think having a new guy was my attempt to KEEP me away from my fiance... He is like kryptonite.. I love him... I want to be with him, but I know he's not healthy for me. I have been to counselling on my own and had to go on anti depressants because of all this.. But I have been feeling stronger lately and went off the medication and now I just have an e-counsellor I check it with occasionally. My fiance says he will go to counselling,so maybe we should give that a try?

[Honey610]

If I were you, the only way I would go back is if he agreed to counseling. I would be hesitant to be with someone as well...its not fun to always feel like you're walking on egg shells.

 

If he doesn't agree, then that shows that he's not really willing to change. You can also point out that you may have things that need to be worked on as well and if you go to counseling you can work them out together.

 

Good luck hun