Ok guys, guess what? It's my turn now...

[The Morrigan]

Some of you may or may not remember me as Shadowdancer from way back in September and October when I initially got separated.

 

Instead of going into vivid detail - I'll just recap that briefly. Married over 10 years, and my husband was (and now realizes he was) emotionally and mentally abusive towards both me and our 2 children. After typing everything out in black and white, and one final huge blowup, I finally saw things clearly enough to know I had to at least seriously consider separation, and divorce.

 

For the last five months now, it's been a series of back and forth, with him alternating being civil with breakdowns every two weeks or so, during which his behaviour has varied between the extremes of simply crying and begging for just one more chance because he's changed, threatening to kill himself, saying his life is over, burning and sending pics of personal items burning, using MS Paint to alter his tattoo of a heart to be a broken heart, telling my daughter details of his depression and his brief fling with a friend while we were married, appearing at this board several times with suicidal poetry (he got the site off my computer when he was visiting, then pretended to be an anonymous person emailing me to prove it was me posting), asking people to get me to talk to him, sending me poems of our wedding and how we can rekindle things (complete with powerpoint pictorial presentation/slideshow of wedding days), and messaging me with similar sentiments. The list could go on forever. He's been to counselling and quit because the counselor was telling him he had to move on, and his answer was he couldn't. Period.

 

Now people, I've tried. I intially started asking for space to try and heal, and maybe then give things another go slowly. He's been unable to grant that (obviously). I've sat and talked myself blue telling him how his actions are hurting me and hurting the children. I've sent him the ex topic I wrote, hoping to make him see reason. I've done my best to give him leeway to get past this stage and act like an adult, in short. I've talked to him literally for DAYS, forgoing making dinner for my family and the time I usually spend with my kids, to try to get him to really see how he's acting and what it's doing to him, and to me. So far, no dice.

 

I'm about at my wits end here. We've had "normal" discussions the past few days after yet another breakdown on his part and what's now the normal cycle of him apologizing for it yet again, and then this morning he messages with his name changed to "the best day of my life" and a pic of us getting married in his msn profile.

 

I can't stay in this cycle anymore. Not only is it proving beyond ANY doubt he has NOT changed, because it's yet another emotionally abusive cycle where he KNOWS he's putting all the responsibility for how he feels on me, and what he's going to do with his life, he's stuck so far in the past he can't see ANYTHING.

 

The dilemma is I don't want to cut off all contact between him and the kids. However, I'd point out only once in the last two weeks has he called to talk to them - he's called every day almost, or messaged, but it's always to talk to me.

 

At what point do you decide legal intervention is really called for? I've asked friends who live where he is to talk to him already, he's been to counseling, and nothing is getting through. And I'm not exactly being left at my best, or being allowed to focus on moving on and healing myself, with the way he's acting. He's literally making me a basket case - I hate even answering the phone now. I had to get anonymous call rejection on my line so when he goes off the deep end and won't stop calling I can get a break. I'm feeling nothing short of hunted, pressured, and kicked around - and it's wearing me down.

 

I know, especially given this, going back is NOT an option. He's no better at listening to me and changing his actions than he ever was. And no better at really paying attention to how his actions affect others beyond himself either. I have no doubt it's going to be divorce now, which oddly he agrees with and says maybe he can move on then, but that's another month away. At least.

 

I'm just torn at how to handle things - I don't want to interfere with his contact with the kids, but except for email for really necessary things, I don't think I can continue to allow him to contact me either.

 

And in case anyone's wondering - there's nobody else on the horizon or anything - and the LAST thing I'm looking for anytime soon is a relationship - I just want to get on my feet and get situated with my kids first!

[materia_goddess]

hey girl!

 

Your one brave cookie you know that! the bravest i know. Youve been through alot, all of which you dont deserve at all. He's not being fair, and it makes me angry. Your the last person i want to see torn down by some useless, cant get his act together, emotionally unstable guy.

 

You've been nothing but fair in all of this, and his totally abused every chance you've given him. You held on to the rope alot longer than most could probably handle, and you have every right to make this your final straw.

 

Its clear legal intervention will be needed, or some sort of action which puts this to a final halt for good! I also understand you dont want to cut his connection with the kids, which is good, and proves, even after all he's put you through, your still willing to be fair.

 

Distance for now is your best ally. If you do come in contact with him, make it short sweet, and cut through all the sappy back to the past stuff he throws at you. perhaps get the kids to answer the phone more, so they atleast have that contact going. avoid replying to him where possible, and be as cold as you can to hopefully give him some sort of clear message that your've had enough!

 

You stick with it girl, things will turn around. We're all here for you, your not alone in this.

 

*+*Materia_Goddess*+*

[jamman]

I never would have guessed from all your posts that these things would be happening to you behind the scenes. My thoughts are with you. Even though I don't have children myself I have seen alot of my friends go through break-ups with children and I may have an idea for you.

 

If it is at all possible I would have one final lay it on the line conversation with him, and help him realize what is most important here his idea of a relationship or the lives of your kids and his relationship with them. If his answer is not the children then try to make him see this responsibility, and that you want to make it as easy for him as possible to have contact and he should be thinking of them. Make it clear to him that they are your priority and that any contact and discussion regarding your relationship is unhealthy for everyone involved including him. Start by whenever he calls or contacts and he starts into anything besides the children or something that is of immediate attention, just cut him off everytime, over and over. Another thing is to call him when needed and always the topic is the children, never anything more. Eventually he will get the picture, and will never be able to spite you for you really are doing what is best for the kids life, well, and yours and his but he does'nt need to hear that! hope this helps I have seen it work many times.

 

Your a strong and vital force

Let the music sing through you

Jamman

[Michael2]

I agree you have right to make this the last straw. The difficult part is following through on this.

 

Seems as of lately, that your relationship has become a tug of war, unfortunately you are always the one giving more.

 

I feel, after reading through your post, that the amount of work and struggle you have endured is not being mirrored whole heartedly (sp?) by your husband. You have attempted endless times to reconcile your problems (mainly his) but unfortunately, sometimes things arent going to change. It is especially difficult to change those that we love. We believe deep down in side that our heart, our love can influence the way our SO acts, but this is VERY unlikely, and I know you have come to this conclusion.

 

You are caught in a very bad cycle, you guys talk like mature adults, then the volcano erupts , and you have to start ALL over again.

 

Its unfortuntate but your husband has issues, more like demons, that are taking over his life, and as a result affecting you and your children.

 

You pointed out a very important aspect, dont cut him out of his childrens lives. Good for you, this is very important.

 

You have tried, and tried and tried again, but to no avail. I am sorry for that, and you are in my prayers. The advice I have to offer is that you should cut contact with him, if he calls, I suggest you tell him that you should be calling for your children and not for me.

 

Its a tough situation, wish I had more to offer. You have a strong head upon your shoulders, make sure you think with your HEAD now and not your HEART.

 

Best of luck!

[The Morrigan]

Thanks guys, I appreciate it!!

 

Hehe, and to add to everything, and see how far this is crossed into obssession, I've been getting "private caller" hangup calls every morning. This morning I said what the hell, and did "block last incoming number called" on my phone. Guess what? It was him. I asked him about it before, he denied it. I found out when I went to enter his number manually (the private number block was the ONLY number I had blocked, and I had no way of knowing what it was) and the message said "this number is already on your list. He's been calling every morning and some nights, even at 1 and 2am, to "hear my voice."

 

He sleeps with our WEDDING pictures.

 

Ok, I'm getting creeped out now.

 

I've tried to talk to him about putting the kids first, that they need two parents, etc. And his response as been things like "what about what I need?"

 

He's called to talk to them once in the past 2 weeks, almost 3 now.

 

And he's talking about trying to move to the area to "see more of the kids." Is it just me, or am I right to be very concerned about this? I don't trust him at all right now - and I don't trust him not to PHYSICALLY stalk me if he was living close by anymore - or worse.

 

Most of my friends are figuring it's time to stop "playing so nice" and get a restraining order already, before it escalates any further.

[Luv_Suks]

Hey

 

Sorry to hear about all of that. can't really say much more than whats already been said i.e. that its got to end at some point and at this juncture its not likely your husband will ever change. Sounds like even if he did it would be too little too late.

 

Its a really sad situation, i feel for the both of you, but seems like you definitely got the rougher end of it. From the way you been decribing his actions and words..

 

varied between the extremes of simply crying and begging for just one more chance because he's changed, threatening to kill himself, saying his life is over, burning and sending pics of personal items burning, using MS Paint to alter his tattoo of a heart to be a broken heart, telling my daughter details of his depression and his brief fling with a friend while we were married, appearing at this board several times with suicidal poetry (he got the site off my computer when he was visiting, then pretended to be an anonymous person emailing me to prove it was me posting), asking people to get me to talk to him, sending me poems of our wedding and how we can rekindle things (complete with powerpoint pictorial presentation/slideshow of wedding days)

 

I'd think hes not mentally 100% there right now. Reminds me of the story on the front page of one of our national tabloids today - a husband killing his wife and their two young kids (and himself) - their other baby survived and is in hospital right now. I don't usually buy tabloids but the story caught my eye and made me stop for a few minutes. Its really sad and totally incomprehensible how people can do this sorta thing but i guess love (if thats what you can call it in this instance) can make people do some pretty messed up things. I don't know why i mention it, sure your husbands nowhere near like that, but..just made me think thats all..

 

Anyways, sorry to be so sombre or whatnot, just wanted really to tell you that everyone on this forum is here for you. Life seems so unfair sometimes but i guess we get stronger with every difficult experience we endure..

 

Do take care of yourself and your kids..

[Soul_Seeker]

The Morrigan, despite the turmoil in your own life, your strength, perseverance and stability warrants admiration from us all.

 

As the other posts have suggested, perhaps enforce a stricter "no contact". If this fails, I do believe that legal intervention is necessary under the circumstances. Although I would understand the fear that such intervention may cause him to hurt himself or others, your safety and the well being of your children may be at risk in the future as it seems he may become more and more unstable.

 

I leave you now with my favourite poem - one that has helped maintain my strength through my own break up. I believe it describes you down to a tee .

 

INVICTUS - William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

 

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

 

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

 

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

 

Best wishes,

Soul Seeker

[SunnyScott]

Hi Morrigan!

 

I just wanted to say that I HATE those who are mentally abusive! I know how it feels, and think that it's best for you to take some legal action. Perhaps, you can change your address, if you haven't signed your life away (in terms of real estate). It's nice to hear that you are strong, and seems like you have moved on. Your kids don't deserve his unhealthy behavior, and neither do you. I'm sorry to hear about your situation, but you sound like a wise woman, making wise decisions!

 

Best of Luck!