Lying

[alli]

I was talking to my sister earlier today & she asked me for my opinion on her bf frequently lying. He doesn't lie about things like infidelity. They live together & he is very commited to her.

 

But he lies about silly things. Like yesterday, she asked if he voted & he said yes, he voted for Obama (who she supports). But as they watched the election coverage, he would kind of boo when Obama took the lead in some states & cheared when McCain would win states.

 

She asked him more details about what it was like when he voted. Basically he said the voters went into their own rooms, voted with a pencil on 3 pages, front side only & dropped their ballots in a bucket. This is in FL, by the way.

 

Since she had voted but was already registered in a different precinct, she knew what he was saying probably wasn't true, since there was not a separate room for each voter, her ballot was front & back, used a pen & placed the ballot in a scanner. Not at all how he described it.

 

After a few hours, he admitted that he actually hadn't voted because "he didn't have time". She's upset that he lies about stupid stuff all the time. I think he just does it because he would rather tell her what makes her happy instead of the truth. She says she would have just accepted the truth, but really I know she would have ragged on him for not voting (& not voting for who she supported) & he probably just wanted to avoid that.

 

I kind of think, well at least he lies about stupid stuff & not like he's trying to hide something. But if my bf was like that, it would definitely make me question everything he said, constantly wondering if what he was saying was the truth.

 

So my question is.. would you lie about silly stuff just to make your SO happy? Do you think the problem is the person who makes it difficult when other people disagree with them, or the person who doesn't seem mature enough to stand up for their own thoughts & actions?

[GEMMACHURCH]

Hi there,

 

I had an ex boyfriend like this, he was a compulsive Liar and would be telling white lies every minute - about really silly things.

Like saying he would never get a credit card and didn't have one - and then using one to pay when we went to the pub. I started to see the inconsistencies in stories when we went out with friends and like you have began to find it unsettling.

 

Ultimately I think in my ex's case it was an in security thing, he was always thinking about what he said and how he could impress people, and so would lie to 'fit in' or appear interesting to other people.

 

Unfortunately he had other bad traits, this paired with the fact that I began to never believe a word he said ultimately put an end to the relationship.

 

I think if he gets over the immaturity and stops trying to impress people around him this will just pass, I hope it does as I can see it becoming where she feels she doesn't trust him.

 

All the best xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Murderface]

i hate when people lie about stupid stuff all the time.... i mean don't they know that its going to catch up with . they're sure to get caught in one sooner or later.... i most def think the problem is the boyfriends lies.

[DN]

Is you sister the sort of person who makes a big deal about stuff she thinks he ought to do? Sometimes people lie to controlling SOs just for a quiet life.

[doyathink]

Is you sister the sort of person who makes a big deal about stuff she thinks he ought to do? Sometimes people lie to controlling SOs just for a quiet life.

 

I'm not as quiet as I would other wise be when I'm lied to. I don't know about others....but thats when my voice goes up an octave or four.

 

 

But you're right.

[alli]

Is you sister the sort of person who makes a big deal about stuff she thinks he ought to do? Sometimes people lie to controlling SOs just for a quiet life.

 

Yeah, she is definitely the sort of person who thinks that how she does things is the right way & only way to do it. But a lot of people are like that. My bf can be like that, but I don't lie to make him think I'm doing things his way.

 

It is definitely an attempt to avoid conflict & satisfy what she wants to hear. I think partly she needs to learn to accept other people don't do things exactly the way she does. But mostly he needs to stand up & be honest.

 

But that's my opinion, I'm just wondering what most people would think & suggest. The most important thing is to figure out how to fix things & not to point fingers at who was more wrong.

[DN]

Well, since she is the one you are talking to I think you should advise her to strike a bargain with her boyfriend - if he stops lying to her she will respect his opinions and not try and force hers on him.

[purpleduckie]

my ex was def like that. he lied to keep me happy (even though i'm not the super fussy type). and he lied to impress people.

 

 

i really hated that. it made me lose respect for him and yea, that relationship ended pretty quickly.

[k-rock]

ugh. my boyfriend and I have been fighting a lot lately because we just started living together and he keeps lying about stupid stuff. Whenever we talk about it he basically says he doesn't want to upset me and disappoint me. That it's easier to ask for forgiveness than ask permission. I completely think that the lying is something he (and your sister's SO) need to work on - but I also had to admit that how receptive I am to what he's going to tell me greatly affects his decision to lie or tell the truth.

[sandrawg]

Sorry, but if one's significant other feels they have to consistently lie in order to win approval from the other, there is something seriously wrong with that relationship. There's no way that this kind of dynamic is sustainable.

 

If I were her, I'd sit down with him and, in a nonjudgmental way, ask him why he keeps lying. I would also make it clear, if I were her, that I acknowledge my part in the dynamic. Maybe she is not as accepting of him as she could be.

 

I mean, we're all different. I wouldn't want to date a guy who thinks or behaves exactly the same as me...maybe she can learn to respect him just the way he is. And maybe he needs to realize, he's got some self-esteem issues that are making him feel he has to be something he's not, for acceptance, and that's not really necessary.

 

Abraham Lincoln said, "No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar." Lies will always be found out. That kind of behavior needs to be addressed and dealt with, no matter how innocuous the lies may be. They will erode the trust, and trust is CRUCIAL for a rel'ship to thrive.

[loulee]

he may be just the peacemaker..he avoids confrontation by lieing.. perhaps your sister gives him the silent treatment or really gets angry at him over stuff that she doesnt approve or have control of...he may just have learnt from experience that lieing is easier than the truth.. of course it is wrong.. sad thing is they get quite comfortable with it and over time your sister is likely to lose trust in him you certainly cant rely on someone who lies..perhaps she needs to look at herself and her reactions to stuff that he has told her the truth about to get an understanding of why he lies over silly things. She may have more answers if SHE is really honest with herself..

[alli]

he may be just the peacemaker..he avoids confrontation by lieing.. perhaps your sister gives him the silent treatment or really gets angry at him over stuff that she doesnt approve or have control of...he may just have learnt from experience that lieing is easier than the truth.. of course it is wrong.. sad thing is they get quite comfortable with it and over time your sister is likely to lose trust in him you certainly cant rely on someone who lies..perhaps she needs to look at herself and her reactions to stuff that he has told her the truth about to get an understanding of why he lies over silly things. She may have more answers if SHE is really honest with herself..

 

I agree; I definitely wouldn't say that she is completely not at fault. She likes to be the leader & doesn't like to be disagreed with. But this is their relationship; not for me to get in the middle of. They are adults in their 30's. But if she asks, I will make the suggestion that she needs to allow people to disagree with her.

 

I would tell her bf that lying is not the way to go, but I really don't feel comfortable talking to him about it. Really, they need to have a talk about honesty & respecting each others' opinions & choices.