Is what my ex and I doing on a road to reconciling?

[tattoobunnie]

My boyfriend broke up with me three weeks ago. We had experienced a roller-coaster of events over the past few months which also include losing a baby to him playing this on-line video game 30+ hours a week, and while we had discussed getting married and having children over the year and a half we were together, he told me on the day of our break-up that he wasn't sure if he was getting cold feet, and that he couldn't really picture marrying me (the month before I had been really annoying about it (my bad) and being fickle about if I would even say yes). He said he was confused and doesn't know what he wants, though he doesn't appear mused up to me, though he has asked me to be patient.I moved out within a week. Fast forward one week later, we got together to be intimate and hang out, all the while saying repeatedly that he loves me and missed me. Then we got together again last night to hang out and be intimate. And this Monday, I asked him what he wanted from me...to be friends, go slow and have fun, or to have no contact. He agreed on slow and fun, and we have official plans to have a fun date for next week.

 

The last two times I have been with him have been a lot of fun, sweet and loving. Do you think what we're doing is healthy and on the road to reconciling, or is he as other's would say if I told them what I was doing was "having his cake and eating it too."? And I should just go with the flow and see how it goes. Or should I let him go, and not make any effort, as we haven't even discussed that we would be dating other people, yet? I love him. I really do. And while I've tried to clean up any messes with him, he seems to only respond with, I have no ill feelings towards you. Please help me...I need an impartial opinion.

[cb663]

i was in a similar situation and it sucks. i know exactly how you are feeling. its painful knowing the person you love isnt on the same page with you, or worse is using you. especially when you put forth an effort and they dont seem to do the same. if i was you i would take a step back, look at exactly what he's putting into it and only put in the same effort he is putting in. if he barely calls you, then you barely call him. if you ask him to do something and he is busy, then maybe you are busy when he wants to do something. dont just hand him your affection when he decides he wants it. dont sit idle, go out and do things, make plans with friends, if you're in the middle of something and he calls you pick up and say you'll call him back. dont put your life on hold. he asked you to be patient? for how long do you sit and wait for him to make his mind up? all you're doing is letting him test the waters and have no commitment to you, all the while knowing you have a commitment to him. i dont know if any of this will help i hope it does

[tattoobunnie]

I would like to give it a month, and see how it goes. Though...I wonder if I'm wasting time, and it's not worth trying to work things out. I mean, I'm going out with friends, doing things. Did things work out for you, cb663?

[DeviousOne]

Just throwing this out there and not going into detail about it....but he could be using you as a safety net while hes out trying to be with other girls. meaning being you with intimatly and spending time with you and when hes not with you he's out trying to met other girls which could be a reason why he's asking you to be patient and not really committing to anything with you.

 

Speaking from experince and knowing friends of mine that went thru this he could be using this time to see if he can find anything out there for him but he still loves you but might not want to settle so he's getting all the benefits of a relationship but hes not in one with you "technically" and if decides to be with you it could be because he couldn't find anyone and if he does find someone he will just blow you off and leave you feeling used.

 

Again not saying thats how it is but it could be a possibility..

 

3 weeks isn't enough time to fully heal from a roller coaster relationship...it'll take a couple month for things to be on a level where both of you feel ok with what happened in the past and move past it together

[redhearts]

Just throwing this out there and not going into detail about it....but he could be using you as a safety net while hes out trying to be with other girls. meaning being you with intimatly and spending time with you and when hes not with you he's out trying to met other girls which could be a reason why he's asking you to be patient and not really committing to anything with you.

 

I agree full on with this, exactly what I was thinking.

 

But yes you can't always jump to the worst outcomes, but it does seem the most agreeable in this circumstance. Seems he wants to slow things down, to think about things, explore his options. So HMM.

 

Just don't have sex with him until you are recommitted in your relationship.

[cb663]

I would like to give it a month, and see how it goes. Though...I wonder if I'm wasting time, and it's not worth trying to work things out. I mean, I'm going out with friends, doing things. Did things work out for you, cb663?

giving it a month will only make it easier for him to be with someone else.

no things didnt work out, i was very ignorant and let it go on because i thought i could handle not having a commitment but still acting as if we were together. ultimately it went on for about 4 months. the thing that really bothers me is she made the first move, and i told her dont waste my time. its a whole other topic, but i really dont think giving him it a month is going to do anything. im not saying end it with him, but only put in the same effort as he is. when calls, act like you havent been thinking about him but you are happy to talk to him. kind of in a hey you are around this is nice, then when he isnt, everything is still good. no one is attracted to someone who is emotionally upset.

 

edit: also i agree with the above poster. he's probably afraid of being alone but doesnt want to have to commit to anything, or get hurt especially if its been a rocky relationship.

[HeartGoesOn]

He broke up with you 3 weeks ago, you're agreeing to meet him, and be intimate. What does he need to make a decision about? You're making this so easy for him, that he's happy just the way things are right now.

[funnybunny]

I say no to the continued FWB

[tattoobunnie]

Yes...Yes...no FWB.

 

So after being with a few friends this weekend who are not fans of the ex (though I know they're just trying to protect me), I got fickle thinking about what the hell I am exactly doing. I told him today that I thought about him over the weekend, and even though the positives outweighed the negatives over the course of our relationship, I needed to move on. He then said, "don't." Which I reply with, "huh? Is there a reason why I shouldn't move on?" And his answer is, "because I love you!" Honestly, if it is was my friend going through this, I'd be calling the dude a giant butt-head. Since I'm in it, it's hard for me to just see it so black and white...that the dude I wanted to marry one day was a big dirtbag all along. Now, there are things that I know that I have brought to the table that added to the fuel of our break-up...all of which I am willing to work on. And I have this optimism that on Friday...while it's aimed to be a fun-filled date, that he'll say...I wanna work things out too. I mean, I'm not expecting magic words to miraculous make things better, or for conflicts to resolve in a few hours. I just wonder if other people who eventually got back together went through the same slightly wacked out approaches. That it took forgiveness, love, and patience...