Dating again just hasnt felt the same

[Tears May Fall]

So im clearly determined my ex is over me and there is no chance of us getting back together. So im trying to finally learn to move on, but its just so hard. Its been 10 months since we broke up, but only recently did it feel like it was actually finally over over. Now i know for a fact she is in a serious relationship with a new guy and my chances are over and done with.

 

So im trying to date again...but my confidence feels so low. Its like I guage my happiness based on my success with women. If im getting positive results, I feel great about myself, but if Im getting rejected or negative vibes from females, then I feel horrible and hate being single. When I was in a relationship, I would wanna be single, but when I was single, I would quickly realize how I wasn't exactly good at being single, wasnt the type to be smooth with the ladies, etc. It would be at these points that I wish I was in a relationship again, but I would have a hard time finding someone new. In the past though, once I got a date I didnt mind playing the dating game to attract one another and play tug of war and chasing and all the games in the beginning to build attraction and get to know one another, that was all fun for me a few years ago, but it doesnt seem fun anymore. I feel too lazy and not confident enough for that anymore, especially because I havent done it in such a long time.

 

Now dont get me wrong, I feel as though Im a great flirt, I can hold a conversation (as long as you actually talk back), I know how to be comfortable around women, I know dating game as well as dating etiquette and Ive never been denied a second date. BUT, and the BIG BUT i have here, is that almost all the girlfriends Ive ever had (about 6 or 7) basically in some way or another either A) approached me or asked me out B) were so direct with me in displaying their interest towards me and just gave me their number and said to call them or C) it was a mutual introduction and I knew from a third party source that there was interest from the girl. So basically up until this point, all the girls Ive ever dated were just shear luck and they landed on me, I didnt necessarily choose them or chase them and try to convince them to go on a date with me. Ive almost never chased to that extent, if a girl wasnt interested in me the first time, I didnt try bother beyond that or try to plead or "beg." I never really went after what I wanted, but feel as though I settled for what has been handed to me and tried to make the most of it. Some were great, some not so great. Its worked for me to an extent up until now, but basically its that I havent had to really do much. Ive had it the easy way. Consider me lucky, or there must be something about me that girls find attractive enough that theyd approach me...i dunno

 

But what im saying in a nutshell is that Ive never chose out my women, theyve all basically been handed to me. And that makes it A LOT easier when you're dating because you've got half the battle won, now you just have to maintain it and not mess it up.

 

But its different now, I dont get the desire to date again. Its not even that I get nervous to meet new women, its more like I dont even bother. I make excuses for myself, or if I see an attractive female I make excuses not to approach her. Even if I get a number, I wont insistently try and show interest, it'll be very lackluster and basically if it happens it happens if not oh well. Im not taking a take charge attitude with dating and I need to learn how to change that but the question is, dont know if i REALLY want to...or am I going to continue living in this comfort of not having to worry about getting to know someone new and impressing someone and all the things involved in meeting a new person...almost ALL of the new people Ive met or dated in the past 9 or 10 months, not one has really caught my interest at all, and thats very NOT like me, just makes me wonder...

 

Bottom line, even if I might not be ready to date again, I want to because I feel as though Im REALLY miserable when Im single

[jasper01]

I think the way to get past this is to learn to be happy being single. As soon as that happens, all this stuff that feels so difficult will instead be fun. That can be hard though when you're still processing a loss. I'm going through the same thing.

[JadedStar]

When I was in a relationship, I would wanna be single, but when I was single, I would quickly realize how I wasn't exactly good at being single,

 

Well this alone tells me you are not quite ready for a relationship. If you secure one right now you will go right back to wanting to be single again in due time. Why not use this time to work on yourself, your self esteem and try to figure out what you really want? It would do no girl a good service to start dating her only to break her heart when you revert back to type and get itchy to be single again. And trust me, if you have only been broken up for ten months and not over the first one you will go right back to old habits as soon as you are dating again.

 

Don't be in such a hurry. Live life one day at a time. Take time to smell the roses as it were. YOu sound like you are desperate to jump back in but yet you don't even know if being in a relationship is right for you at this time. You don't sound happy and like you want to date a woman to give you affirmation, i.e. make you happy. It doesn't work like that as you already know, hence this recent broken relationship.

 

Start reading up on some self help books. If money is tight the internet is full of sites to help a person build their self esteem and learn how to be happy alone. Until you learn how to do this I will be honest in saying that the recent troubles in relationships you have experienced will become a pattern. YOur post is full of clues that you are basing your self esteem and happines on the actions of others. If you continue like this you will always be topsy turvy with your emotions. No other person should have the power to make you feel so down and out just because they are not propping you up or giving you compliments. Sure, we all love compliments and they are great but if you liked who you were they would be icing on the cake, not the whole basis for your being.

[Tears May Fall]

Thanks JadedStar, thats probably some of the best straightforward advice Ive gotten on this forum.

 

Im questioning to myself whether it was that I wasn't sure to be single vs being in a relationship OR if the women I was dating weren't really the right ones for me and I just stuck around in fear of being lonely and having to go through the "finding and dating' process again. Hence what I was saying about it having almost always been that women pretty much came into my life without me actually pursuing them. I mean it went from one date to several to being an exclusive relationship because I obviously liked them enough to let that happen and there was enough mutual interest and good chemistry that a relationship developed (although only two were actually fully committed long term relationships more than a year long).

 

You're indefinitely correct that I need to bring up my selfesteem and confidence to learn to be alright with being single and being happy and that a woman in my life would be the icing on the cake rather than the cake itself. I do sometimes depend on the affirmation and attention from others, including friends, to make myself feel content. I try to act cool and calm on the outside as if Im not that way, but on the inside I know the truth. Ive covered it up rather well all these years. In fact I wasnt even able to admit things like this to myself up until a year ago when I had this big reality check with the last relationship I was in. I was very cocky and confused it with confidence but in essense I was just trying to tell myself I was confident when I wasnt actually feeling it. Ive always sold myself that way, but I knew it wasnt really the truth.

 

The last girl saw through that and really tried to help me through it to see the real me because she knew deep down inside I am a good, caring guy who just needs to figure himself out a bit more. I then realized that I wasnt going to be able to figure myself while I was with her and needed to be by myself but through all our fights and arguments, I ended things on saying Im sick of this this and this and she felt as though I didnt like her as she was. Months passed and we didnt speak at all, but at the beginning of the summer we reconciled on talking terms again but I was still confused and even though she still loved me and I loved her, I didnt feel ready. When I finally felt like I was ready to give this another shot and I was going to counseling all summer long to help me out, and I confessed my feelings and everything to her, she told me it was too late and that she doesnt love me anymore and shes seeing someone new.

 

This is something Ive been having a difficult time facing, is my past and how I lied my way through life and lied to others to get what I wanted. I mean I wanted to impress them, sweep them off their feet and gain their love but it was all through games and manipulation for the most part and very little actual truth from my point. But i never realized through my own eyes what i was actually doing . So now im beginning to feel guilty for some of this and have been seeking professional help again to try to straiten this out and get back on track again to start new.

 

Problem is, I dont know any other way to be. I dont know who I am or what I really want. Nor do I know how to really accept reality for what it is so when im faced with the truth, I tend to just brush it off and go into my little fantasy world. I need to start a new life sorta, and make changes, but I dont know where to begin sometimes. Somedays I feel as though im fine and that perhaps im just thinking too much into it all, whereas on other days I feel down and confused.

 

Im always lost and confused as to what I want, not only from others, but for myself. If i live life one day at a time, then I live peacefully but I dont ever figure out things. I need to figure myself out, but time passing has really done nothing for me. I feel a little different from before in that Im able to recognize what Ive done incorrectly in the past and with hopes not to repeat it, but I still dont feel confident from in the inside to be content with myself by myself.