Girlfriend too nice or disloyal -- or am I losing it?

[matius]

My girlfriend (8mo) knew about some problems I've been having with neighbors down the hall for months and months - we don't live together. They don't really treat me with respect and they've caused quite a bit of stress in my life.

 

She didn't something nice for one of them after running into them in the parking garage (and nothing sexual funny peeps, it was more of a gesture of hey lets be friends); but this to me was really insulting because she knew how they are.

 

She's very nice (says she would never cheat (and never has (who know))) and extremely outgoing; def. anyone can join the party type. And she felt guilty for doing it but did it any way... and I never talked to her about reaching out to them. Can she be friends with them? I guess. But shouldn't she be on my side or at least have common sense enough to think that would be awkward?? I will admit she's a bit immature -- and it's something I've struggled with.

 

Now I'm left holding another bag -- Am I just a complete ahole, or should this girl take my side. How disrespectful was she doing this and should I feel embarrassed that I'm getting upset about her kind gesture.

 

Can you decipher what I mean?

[redhearts]

Maybe she is trying to be friendly with them, so hopefully they'll like her and be nice to you as well.

[JadedStar]

I doubt I would go out and befriend a person(s) my SO was having a lot of difficulty with and didn't like.

 

Now that said, if the situation was that i was already their friends and he didn't get along, i wont end the friendship. Or lets say these people i see a lot, such as at work, and he didn't like them. I would still befriend them since I was seeing them all the time and it would be silly to avoid a friendship if i worked with them and they were kind to me.

 

But in this situation, these are neutral people that you have made it clear are not very nice to you so it I would not have done it if i was in her shoes.

[HellFrost666]

Maybe she is trying to be friendly with them, so hopefully they'll like her and be nice to you as well.

 

I was thinking this also. But, I also see how you would see it as disloyalty. But, being as nice a person as she is, she probably is not trying to upset you.

[matius]

Maybe she is trying to be friendly with them, so hopefully they'll like her and be nice to you as well.

 

I hear that, but it's not really her place -- Because they're still knuckleheads to me. Just sort of a red flag to me; and how can a man talk to a girl about these things -- I feel like if I communicate or talk about it I'm automatically seen as weak, insecure and jealous and then told to toughen up.

 

Lunacy.

 

Thanks for all your replies.

[lady00]

Maybe she is trying to be friendly with them, so hopefully they'll like her and be nice to you as well.

 

That is what I was thinking too.

[JadedStar]

Are these people doing things to you that are mean/bad/inappropriate?

 

IF so, I would question her loyalty. I would be angry at people who were treating my SO poorly. I sure wouldn't want to hang out with them.

 

if there is a chance that you are the one causing the difficulty, or if you are thinking they are doing things that maybe they aren't and that is what she believes, then maybe that is why she did it.

[matius]

Well, I'm an introvert and she is the definition of a free spirit. I can see her trying to bend the situation. I struggle with trying to understand the line with people who are completely open... it's like the same rules don't apply; but what's still right and wrong. What should they be forgiven for.

[lady00]

I guess it depends what she did. I mean, trying to be nice to them when she bumps into them in hopes that they will be nicer to you is not the same thing as going out of her way to hang out with them or something like that. It's probably a matter of degree.

 

From what you posted, it didn't sound like she did much other than be nice to them, but I could have misread that. Would you mind elaborating?

[redhearts]

Would you rather her been nice or rude?

[jettison]

This is a really tricky, really delicate problem. How far does loyalty go?

 

In this case, we're talking about acquaintances, your neighbors. There's really no reason for her to go out of her way to befriend someone you consider an enemy, but at the same time there is no reason for her to go out of her way to vilify someone without also getting to know who they are. No matter how close you are to your partner, your partner's discretion should only be used as a guide, and not as a direct replacement for your own.

 

You are still two people with two sets of tastes and two sets of judgments. How well do you know these neighbors, and in what way were they disrespectful? There are nuances here that are important. And like another poster has mentioned, if she becomes friends with them then their respect level for you is likely to increase rather then decrease.

 

Again though, I really don't think there is a black and white answer here. We would need more information.

[matius]

Are these people doing things to you that are mean/bad/inappropriate?

 

IF so, I would question her loyalty. I would be angry at people who were treating my SO poorly. I sure wouldn't want to hang out with them.

 

if there is a chance that you are the one causing the difficulty, or if you are thinking they are doing things that maybe they aren't and that is what she believes, then maybe that is why she did it.

 

What she did could be considered going out of her way a little bit. It was overly friendly and had to do with burning a disc for them after they had spoken about it -- you know she had hand-written the labels -- a bit immature style... I don't know I feel weird about it. My neighbors pound walls as if they're using them like punching bags - screaming late into the night - blasting their stereo. When they know what's going on. And yea she doesn't seem as affected by it. But what can I say I think my space should be noise free at 3AM.

 

She's been on point as far as most everything else in the relationship and I have no reason to believe she's losing respect or trying to put me down but sometimes our wires get crossed. Esp. with how she is with people.

 

It's kind of tough for me to deal with people. My early relationships were filled with cheating and disrespect and so I have a respect issue. If unchecked something like this could end the relationship. It's unfortunate.

 

Thanks for all the posts and replies you guys.

[lady00]

How have you dealt with their behavior? Have you talked to them about it? Have you talked to your gf about how the noise bothers you and explained that that is why you do not like them?

[RealBrookeI]

2 things

 

1. What is it that these guys did that was so disrespectful?

2. Do you always date immature women?

[matius]

Neighbors know all about it. But I don't deal with them direct any more. It's not a great situation.

 

Girlfriend knows all about the stress. She thinks I get too stressed about it. And it's like her brain really doesn't register the sound. It's bizarre.

 

To me it's the idea of what was done more than the action done.

[matius]

2 things

 

1. What is it that these guys did that was so disrespectful?

2. Do you always date immature women?

 

1. My post above has more details to 1. But it's noise late nights.

 

2. I wouldn't say so, no.

 

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jettison you make a good point.

[matius]

I did have one other question. How would you take the gift if you were the neighbor. Say you didn't like me but my girlfriend gave a gift to you... would you find it strange, a come on, or an offering of friendship? Or maybe it has nothing to do with me and it's just something simple between two folks that don't have beef.