Compromising yourself or your beliefs for a relationship

[stranded247]

Have any of you ever been in a situation where you have felt that your relationship with a person has made you compromise yourself or your beliefs/morals? If so, how? and what happened?

And also do you ever think that its necessary to compromise oneself for a relationship rather than not having one at all? And by the term compromising yourself I do not mean a compromise such as, he lives in the north so I moved from the south to live with him in the north.

By compromise I mean that in some way you feel you are settling for less, you cannot help but feel that you can do better than this person for whatever reasons, even if it is a matter of class/snobbery/race/religion/looks/personality etc. Or you feel that in order to be with this person you have had to compromise your beliefs and what you want to be with them.

[lostandhurt]

I have never been in a relationship like that but have seen my share. I have mostly seen women bend to the will of the man to please him and then it just becomes who they are over time. I think that is why you hear people that have broken up and healing say I am finding myself again. It is easy to let love or the fear of being alone lead us down a path we would never ever even consider going down. I have seen many drawn into drugs, stealing, and much worse by their S/O.

Often times we kid ourselves that it really isn't that bad even though we know it is. I would ask myself: What did I want my life to be like before I met them? and Is it remotely close to what I wanted? A long lasting relationship is harder these days than ever it appears and keeping doubts and supressing yourself for the sake of the relationship can't be a good thing.

 

lost

[_Asti_]

I think compromise in certain areas is essential [for small minor things]. But for big things, your personal beliefs and morals, who you are, etc, I would never compromise them because they make me me, and make me who I am. If I have to change, and let go of myself, and change myself to suit 'him and the relationship' then its false. You're creating someone that suits them...but its not who you are.

[Kalika]

Stranded -

I have dated guys before that I just knew not so deep down were not good for me, but I wanted them anyways simply because at the time they wanted me and no one else did. It's nice to think that you have someone, even if that someone sucks.

[D_Lish]

I think that a man who loves you, wouldn't expect you to 'change' for him.

He'd accept you, the way you are....

[Lionel Hutz]

I have experienced this in my relationship. The compromise was a positive one though, one that I made w/o her knowing. I was pretty much a dirtbag before i met my g/f. Just doing graphic design, partying, doing drugs, and partying more. I had this "who cares" philosophy.My ego was enourmous, I was 18 and self employed, what are the odds? When I met her, I spent alot less time partying and stopped doing drugs, and decided to go get credit for the skills I already had. Now I am a credible designer on paper (although I had more work as a freelancer), and have gotten over half way through college. So this was not really settling for less, but aiming for more.

[Aurian]

I was in an abusive relationship and found myself constantly compromising one thing after another for my ex-husband. He even demanded that I break all contact from my family. That was one thing that I refused to compromise on, and his increasingly violent reaction to that resistance was what opened my eyes to the abuse and made me leave.

 

Now I say, a compromise is okay when you agree to it, and can live with what you compromised on.

 

A compromise is okay if its something you "know" you should work on - self-esteem, addictions, personality flaws.

 

A compromise is not okay if you are forced into it. It is not okay if you feel bad for compromising. It is not okay if you are being told to change what is YOU. It is not okay if it makes you a lesser person and not a better one.

[afrodite79]

I was talking with my dad about this just the other day. I had an ex I always felt I had to change for. I was miserable and I lost a lot of myself in that relationship. The really wrong part of it was that he would always say "I don't like compromise." and "I don't want to cater to my girlfriend." He didn't want to make compromises but I was supposed to do whatever possible to keep him happy. He did nice things for me sometimes, didn't hit me and didn't treat me like a free hooker so I thought he was the best I could do. I forced myself to accept a lot of things that are against my beliefs.

 

Now I'd rather be alone than be with someone who wants me to be someone else. It's way too hard because it doesn't stop at one thing they want you to change about yourself. You'll go crazy and start resenting them. Then hating yourself feeling that if only you could be what they want then your relationship would be perfect. I think that relationship really messed me up though because now I can't even imagine a man not wanting me to be someone other than myself. People should be able to find someone who loves them the way they are.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I have actually seen some men bend to the woman's will and compromise themselves.

 

I think in any relationship you have to be yourself, however, you can make positive changes...in other words you can adapt to the positive traits of your partner rather than the negative traits...like in the example that Lionel Hutz gave.

[eleanorrigby1]

The biggest thing that i have noticed in my relationship that I have had to 'compromise' for want of a better word is religeon.

 

My boyfriend is an Athiest, he is a scientist and so doesn't believe that God exists, in fact he HATES religeon with a passion, gets angry at catholic priests, hates church thinks everyone is hypocrytical..

 

I am a catholic! I believe in god.

 

I am not strict catholic, I have has sex outside of marriage with numerous partners, but I did always envisage one day that i would marry in a church and walk up the aisle and have a preist read the vows. I have always been of the opinion that it isnt a 'proper' wedding if it isnt a preist or a church.. would never want to get married in a register office or something like that, its just the way i feel.

 

My boyfriend would be 'able' to marry me in a church even if he consented to do so, which he has stated quite clearly he wouldn't. So my dreams of a white church wedding with the bells ringing are out of the window!

 

I also always stated i wanted to get married before i had children, my boyfriend comes from a family where marriage came after. The children came first and then after feeling suitably settled and happy they got married and the toddlers were present at the wedding.

 

I didnt want that. I wanted my baby to have the same surname as me, i wanted to be a Mrs ____ with a husband at the birth of our child.

 

After being together for years and discussing a family and children and making allowance for my age (pushing 30), he still hadn't proposed but I was broody and panicky about my block. We began trying for a baby. I am now 7 months pregnant and i am over the moon to be having a baby but i do feel sometimes that i let myself down and that i compromised two MASSIVE dreams and wishes.

 

I love my partner dearly and he loves me. I couldn't have expected him to pretend to believe in God just so i could get married in a church and I can't have asked him to marry me just so i could get pregnant, because i believe the man should ask the woman and i want to hold out for him to feel ready for that.

 

I sometimes feel that i went back on many of my beleifs and i waver between regret and then feeling content with my decisions.