A new chapter begun?

[Me and myself]

Hi

 

Yesterday was my birthday and I was expecting my ex to call me or send me an e-mail...something to wish me happy birthday. But she didn't.

But why should she? I never called her on her birthday since our break-up two years ago. I was in NC...For the first 8 months I did it to get her back. Huge mistake!!!!

While she called me several times after the break-up, I kept saying no to her invitations to go out. Then I sent her an e-mail saying that I could not be near her knowing that she loved only as a friend so she should not call me anymore. She said she understood and stopped calling me.

 

8 months later I tried to re-ignite our relationship, not as lovers but as friends but because I still had feelings for her it didn't worked and I went away again, this time without any explanation. This was in the end of last year.

Since then I met her several times. By my iniciative I went to the places where I knew I will meet her. I was trying to provoke a reaction from her. I was trying to tell her that I could be near her again (which was not interely true) and everytime I went to meet her, I created false hopes that she would call me for a coffee or something. She never did. In these times when I meet her we always were cordial with each other, I always could manage to seem to be relaxed near her (which I was not), talking with her and all that. Maybe she sensed my internal tension or maybe she didn't care.

I've been hanging to false hopes that I never asked or wanted. This is what I've been doing in the last two years. My unconscious mind always find a way to keep me tied to this girl. I've been living my life the best I can (which has been very good comparing with some of the people in ENA). I go out at night, meet some new people, new places, having sex...well, you know, a life that seems full to the eyes of other people...but it's not because these hopes are always in the back of my mind.

Yesterday, the fact that she didn't called me messed with me because I was expecting her to call me...she did it last year. I was not devastated but I felt sad and disapointed because another hope was crushed. I keep thinking she deliberately didn't wanted to call me....or she forgot (which is not probable)....she always wanted and tried , in her own way, to be my friend. Everytime she felt some open door from my side, she would tried to contact me but I always pushed her back by keeping my distance (including not calling her in her birthday). Still today I feel something for her and it makes think that it would not be healthy or the right time to re-ignite a friendship with her....and my pride is the size of a huge mountain...this has a huge role in my actions towards her. My pride was blown away by this rejection and it's not easy to deal with this.

Anyway, she didn't called me yesterday but I felt a strange relaxation at the end of the day....I thought (and still do) that this is very good for my healing because it's a huge evidence that she doesn't care... gave up... whatever...she's not there to me!!

I feel sad because it seems I always need to destroy any possible relationship to move on. By other side, yesterday I had the feeling that a new chapter begun, a better one, I hope!!

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You have had 2 years to get back together and it hasn't happened. Time doesn't freeze and wait forever for these kind of things, so i think that if it were meant to be, after 2 years it would have happened.

 

So perhaps it is time to put this to rest and really accept that the relationship is over and start getting out and meeting new people instead of looking back into the past.

[Me and myself]

You have had 2 years to get back together and it hasn't happened. Time doesn't freeze and wait forever for these kind of things, so i think that if it were meant to be, after 2 years it would have happened.

 

These last 2 years I could never put my mind at rest. Part of me kept saying that I should re-ignite a friendship with her while the other was telling me that if she really wanted to re-inicite any kind of relationship with me, and since she was the one who rejected me, she would have made a more decisive move. I stick my actions to the second one but she never made such move.

 

So perhaps it is time to put this to rest and really accept that the relationship is over and start getting out and meeting new people instead of looking back into the past.

 

Yes, that time has come!

I'm so tired of feeling this way....when my birthday got to the end without her contact I felt like "a rest, at last!!!". She gave me all the answers by not calling me.