how to go from boyish to a man?

[Sebulous]

Ok very long story short:

I am very shy guy. shyness comes from constantly moving every 2.5 years of my life. I don't really "know" myself since my life completely changes so often. Never had a relationship last more than 3 months from various things. (namely bad dating, or some 3rd party problems, ie parents)

 

Ok so I finally took the plunge and admitted to practically loving a coworker today. we had been out a few times but decided friendship was best. However, my care and intrest continued to grow in her. Today it came out. I knew deep down, nothing would happen. and nothing did.

 

I asked her what was wrong with me. The only thing she told me was that I was too boyish. Im too innocent. I feel I picked up this innocense for a form of scapegoat. Also I felt more secure with the innocent approach to women.

 

Now since being boyish, seems to be my problem (and that really makes since to me) how do I get rid of this image? I am 6'2", 180 lbs, fair build (was great shape but snowboarding injury from last year presides), attractive, and charming. I smoke, and do other "bad" things, but I always ask outloud "what would my parents think" as I do respect my parents.

 

The only idea to rid of the "boyish" in me is to move out of my parents house (she mentioned this, however, she --at 24 and at home-- has no right to speak =P). I will be moving out once our 2.5 years in texas is done and we are at england. Hope to go on campus at cambridge.

 

any ideas to remove my boyish and turn manly is highly sought

[Hero_99]

Ok very long story short:

I am very shy guy. shyness comes from constantly moving every 2.5 years of my life. I don't really "know" myself since my life completely changes so often. Never had a relationship last more than 3 months from various things. (namely bad dating, or some 3rd party problems, ie parents)

 

You are inexperienced with life...

 

 

Ok so I finally took the plunge and admitted to practically loving a coworker today. we had been out a few times but decided friendship was best. However, my care and intrest continued to grow in her. Today it came out. I knew deep down, nothing would happen. and nothing did.

 

Actually, I think that you wanted a more deep relationship with her and she decided that friendship was best in result, and you just went along with it.

 

Plus, don't you think a few dates are far to little to determine if you love someone?

 

Well, that's exactly what she is thinking...........

 

 

I asked her what was wrong with me.

 

*hand to face*

 

Just read what I wrote above....

 

Don't ever ask a woman that question...

 

The only thing she told me was that I was too boyish.

 

womanese, "You can't provide security for me."

 

She was not saying that you arn't a man, she said that she perfers someone with self control, security, and that can support himself.

 

In other words she is looking for a man to support her so she can get out of her parents house.

 

Im too innocent. I feel I picked up this innocense for a form of scapegoat. Also I felt more secure with the innocent approach to women.

 

There is nothing wrong with being innocent unless it keeps you from doing the right things in life.

 

By the way, what do you mean by the "innocent approach to woman."

 

I can't comment until you further clarify.....

 

Now since being boyish, seems to be my problem (and that really makes since to me) how do I get rid of this image? I am 6'2", 180 lbs, fair build (was great shape but snowboarding injury from last year presides), attractive, and charming. I smoke, and do other "bad" things, but I always ask outloud "what would my parents think" as I do respect my parents.

 

How old are you? Despite the fact that there is nothing wrong with respecting your parents; it's time that you went and lived your own life and made your own decisions. You don't need their approval.....

 

 

The only idea to rid of the "boyish" in me is to move out of my parents house (she mentioned this, however, she --at 24 and at home-- has no right to speak =P). I will be moving out once our 2.5 years in texas is done and we are at england. Hope to go on campus at cambridge.

 

Probably the best move you can make....

 

any ideas to remove my boyish and turn manly is highly sought

 

Women look for security in men; economic security as well as emotional security. The truth is that you really are a man (taking your age), but it is time that you went to go live your own life and made your own decisions.

 

 

Also, do not rush love. If you date a woman and she starts saying that you and her should be just friends then you need to move on and not waste any time on her. When you allow a woman to befriend you and you continue to see her you are justifying that another man has presedence over your emotional well being and that your needs arn't important.

 

Why be #2 in one girls life when you can be #1 in another girls life?

 

Don't put yourself in that position.....

[DiglyD]

Shyness is hard to overcome, as is loosing this image. Its not being boyish, its about being secure and confident in yourself.

 

You are not outwardly displaying your manly traits. Basically you might feel you are a man, you act like a man but you don't show it. You appear innocent, pure, nice, and charming. These are all signs of weakness.

 

On first impression a woman wants to feel electricity, she wants to feel dominated, she wants to feel like she is in the presense of a strong man, of someone powerful, or someone who controls his life and surroundings.

 

You live with your parents right? Do you control your surroundings? Are you in control of your life?

 

A woman wants a man that is independent who does not make excuses but takes care of his "Stuff". That means if he things smoking is bad, then he should quit. If he thinke he should move out then he does that, he finds the means and does it.

 

You need to shed your "nice guy" image. To do that you must project an image of danger and mystery to a woman. YOu need to develop confidence in yourself and project an image of a dominant male. How can you do it? Watch the Discovery channel (one of those safari Lion vs Zebra) shows. Look at the Lions....who gets all the females? THe nice lions or the Big, bad domminant Alpha male? Thats right the guy in charge. You need to start projecting that you are in charge of yourself and your life. Go back to the gym. This will help you build confidence. Write some things down like "I am the man" or "I am confident" and read that outoud to yourself until it penetrates your skull. Get some books about how to deal with women...such as "A man's guide to women" or "how to succeed with women" and stuff like that. They wil ltell you that right now you are acting opposite of the way you should that is why women see you as boyish. Also read a book or 2 about women, and relationships written by a woman not a man. Practice what they say.

 

When you first look at a woman you need to develop this look that shows her that she is the thing that you will conquer and get her into bed. Baiscally its this look that states that you already know you will have her, and its just a matter of when she allows you. basically you are showing her that you already got her, and the other guys already lost...it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy as she is drawn to that and you end up having her.

 

Even though you might want more out of a woman then sex, its just a first look, but its a look women know. If you can't project this she will instantly lump you into the friend category. You need to exude some male sexuality. Being innocent, nice, and nervous/shy by itself is antiseductive. Its a turn off.

Basically you need to show her that you desire her as a woman and that you are not that nice after all....there is mystery inside you...something dark...and exciting that makes you different and desireable. You must project your confidence. if you don't have any, then start developing it.

 

You need to change your thinking. You need to tell yourself and believe 2 things:

 

1. You are the dominant male/alpha male and that you make no excuses for being a man. (this is self confidence).

 

2. "you are the prize". It is not her...she is not the object of your desire, you are the object of her desire and she must earn the right to be with you. You are what women want, and its only up to you to show that image.

 

This is the thinking that will turn you from a boy into a man.

 

Read what I just wrote one more time. Read that again.

 

Start thinking this. When you do it over time it wll become a self fulfilling prophecy...you will notice that when you look at women you look at them initially as sex, they will like that, they will be drawn to you, you will start to project and image of desirebility, and you will seem approachable. Women do not like weakness in their mate.

 

Also for this to work right you need to take control of yourself and your life. QUit smoking, Clean your teeth, groom well, dress well, and move out of your parents house ASAP. Never make excuses, never pour your heart out to a chick you don't know, never tell someone you don't know you love them, never complain, and never be nice. Be polite but not nice. Nice implies that you offer things, you help when they didn't ask for it, and you put them infront of yourself on the status totem pole. YOu are projecting weakness. That is a no no...remember you are #1. She must seduce you, she must get you, she must conquer you. You must be interested yet distant, something to be desired. If you are innocent and nice you don't allow a woman to use her powers of seducion on you.

 

Also by telling her that you love her you scared her most likely.

 

remember you have to be the man...which means you must control your life and yourself...you have to provide a life for this girl..this is what she thinks..she wants security (emotional & financial), stability, and a real man...not a boy who lives with his parents, smokes, and dosen't know how the world works.

 

Become the man.

 

Now get to work

[jealous2003]

HEY!

 

I know this is nothing to do with your problem, but I just wanted to tell you that I work in in Cambridge England, for the Support Service, giving out students loans and fee support! weird huh?!

[Derek]

Isn't it ironic,

don't you think...

 

That madcat's post about "being the man" is so true,

while North American society's feminization over the

past 20 years tries to tell men to be more like women and women

to become more like men resulting in neither being happy.

 

Maybe there was good reasons for some things to

be the way they were before...

 

 

[deeds]

Hi,

 

Don't bother trying to figure out what women want in you, you'll go insane. If you try to be something you are not to please someone else, you will fail. You will also make yourself miserable. If they don't like you as you are, find someone who does. Move out if that is what you want, don't do things to please other people, be yourself. Shy and innocent makes you a rare commodity, don't knock it. Girls like a guy who is confident in himself.

[Sebulous]

the current girl i was talking about, i am over her. telling her what i did was something i had bottled up. we talk and gossip like friends. oh im 19 years pushing 20. i am leaving come around august this year. going to be staying on campus in england.

 

reason i asked her was because we are closely knit and honest. we are VERY open with each other. Somethings i've told her no one else knows and vise versa. i trusted her to tell me what was wrong with me.

 

she also got to watch me get turned down tonite by some girl that was very flirty last time i was in her store. =/

[vfunkera]

That madcat's post about "being the man" is so true,

while North American society's feminization over the

past 20 years tries to tell men to be more like women and women

to become more like men resulting in neither being happy

 

I want to expand on that, because Derek's point is no further from the truth. Men ahve been categorised to two types in the modern world-

 

New Man

Recently, the 'new man' approach is becoming hugely popular. The nice guys, the good looking guys who dye their hair or highlight it, who prefer to be slim and toned then being muscular. The 'mummies boys' who are in touch with their feelings and are particuarly shy and emotional, and don't like a fight or standing up for themselves, but rather in search of love. The man that uses beauty products for men such as face cream and male targeted products. This 'man' has been hugely influenced by women, because all their characteristics and themes can be associated with women. Very much pop stars like Justin timberlake, Backstreet Boys or Brad Pitt type. This approach is successful, only if you have the looks, because quite honestly its this that only gets girls interested in you. If you don't have the pop star cute or handsome look, then you are pretty much wasting your time.

 

Original Man

Dominant, confident, not very emotional, rough and tough. A predator who looks out for himself and every one he knows. He understands that Eve was made out of Adams ribs, and that she was made to stand by him, not for him to stand by her. The boss, the prize, the Man! Not nice, but representing sex organ when pumping with blood- hard, stiff, and intimidating (without trying to sound immature). He wants to be muscular, and represent a man, not a shy guy. Girls reading all that alone must be a bit excited by the thought! This man does not care about his looks as much as he cares about his control. If a women wants to go on a ride with him, then they should come and get him, otherwise he will move along.

 

Being a man is not based on looks, but by confidence and loving and taking care of yourself.

 

Good luck

[Ingrid]

I have the impression this person just does not like you the way you are. This does not mean there is anything wrong with you.

 

Be careful with advice to the effect that you must show dominance, etc. Women who are looking for dominance come probably from a social background where there is a major differenciation between the social roles attributed to men and women. The lower the social class, there will be more division of labour, more inequity between men and women, more hatred between the sexes, more hypocrisy and more manipulation.

 

Lower class men and women tend to perceive higher class men as effeminated, because the latter are more delicate and sensitive, which is normal since they have probably been exposed to less violence (physical and moral). You have to look for a woman from your own social background who will appreciate you the way you are.

 

Being a man is feeling free to assert yourself the way you are, not trying to play a false sexual role to attract females. If you play a game and distort your personality, you will attract the wrong person.

 

It is true that women do look for materia security that only older men can provide. Now, concentrate in becoming a strong and capable man. You have all your life before you.

 

Remember that it is better to have less good relationships, than more bad relationships. Every failure can affect you very seriously. And be careful, don't sleep with girls just for the sex. Many women know men's weakness and will take advantage of them. You may end up with an uneducated, inferior woman that will never be capable to communicate with you (This happened to many of my friends who now are very unhappy)

 

Take care!

[Derek]

Ingrid you seem like a well spoken intelligent woman,

 

(and the point about being yourself and not playing dominance mind games is a good one.)

 

so I'll give you this question back,

 

Do you think Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell and George Bush are effeminate men who have not been exposed to violence? morally?

I'd say "higher class" men do "violence" and compete in a different way, in the boardroom, on Wall Street, in the number of expensive toys and women they can get, instead of winning bar room brawls. The more educated man may at least be self aware enough to know what his Bad Self tendencies are and not repeat the same mistakes as men before him.

On the other hand the more educated man just may have more tools to

do selfish things more efficiently and even easier than before.

 

And the corollary to the above statement is a higher class woman may not accept less than a man who is successful on Wall Street or in politics or a doctor or architect or whatever. She wants the driven man too.

 

Being a "high class" man doesn't mean your a genius and want stimulating conversation in your partner either. (i.e. George Bush )

It could just mean you got lucky in where you were born.

 

I don't believe more education and higher "class" makes much difference to moral superiority. Humans tend towards selfishness out of the box and do both good and evil no matter how rich or poor or educated they are.

Schools don't teach morals anymore, MTV does.

 

 

Also, I agree with you that quality relationships over quantity is healthier in the long run.

 

 

 

 

BTW, even though I criticized him, I think with the info known at the time, going to Iraq wasn't a bad call for little George.

[Ingrid]

In response to Derek :

 

Do you think Donald Rumsfeld, Colin Powell and George Bush are effeminate men who have not been exposed to violence? morally?

I'd say "higher class" men do "violence" and compete in a different way, in the boardroom, on Wall Street, in the number of expensive toys and women they can get, instead of winning bar room brawls.

 

Research shows that people who come from more violent, abusive backgroounds have more difficulty advancing in life. When your father is envious of your education and physically violent, when your mother is jealous of your education and chances in life, and she manipulates you to depend only on her because you are the only thing she has in life, then it is difficult to get on with your life. Then you are "pushed" by your parents who manipulate you through physical violence, psychological abuse, lies, manipulation, debasing, insults, to accept that you are lesser, to accept failure and limitation.

 

I am not saying that rich people are all good (there is a difference between class and money) but people who succeed usually are more confident in life, and you cannot be confident if you have been a victim of physical (incl. sexual) or psychological abuse. This is what leads people to become a failure.

 

Women who chose difficult, aggressive men towards them, usually chose a man like their own father. Manhood means aggression to them, they cannot love a nice man. There is nothing to do.

 

In the same vein, many men chose perfidious manipulative women like their mother.

 

It has been proven that many students that are issued from less privileged backgrounds have a tendance to perform less well in exams, school etc. because the people that surround them send them constantly negative messages everytime they succeed. The envious people who surround them attack them and exclude them if they succeed. They learn to debase themselves to be accepted by their peers and family.

 

C'est la vie!

[VickiRose]

I just want to put my two cents in here. Dont change yourself because of what that girl said. She didnt like you for what you are, thats her loss. I wish I could find a guy who is more like you, and I am sure that their are tons of girls out there who would go for a guy who is like you. You stumbled accross someone who just wasnt compatable. As you said your goin to college in a few months, tons of girls there lol... Good Luck..

[Derek]

Oh my! Ingrid used "perfidious" in a sentence. Quite loquacious.

I like a girl that makes me look up a word in the dictionary.

 

Main Entry: per·fi·dy

Pronunciation: 'p&r-f&-dE

Function: noun

Inflected Form(s): plural -dies

Etymology: Latin perfidia, from perfidus faithless, from per- detrimental to + fides faith -- more at PER-, FAITH

1 : the quality or state of being faithless or disloyal : TREACHERY

2 : an act or an instance of disloyalty

 

I salute you Ingrid.

 

 

Oh and now that you explained more, I understand what you mean.

If you are surrounded by bad people, then you will have a tougher time in succeeding in life. *shrug* What else is new? External environment doesn't excuse bad life choices. Life is hard and not always fair. Bad parents make it tougher. Are we all victims of external influences now? Does no one take individual responsibility?

 

I think I'll pin responsibility on my ancestor from the 1400s for the genes that make me have to wear glasses.