boyfriend gaining weight

[dewess]

Hi everyone, I'm a newb, go easy on me...

 

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 9 months. When we first met he was fairly fit but since then he has gained some weight. It may surprise you to read that I actually don't mind this... in fact I even like it in a way... it is a sign that he is comfortable around me.

 

But his friends have noticed and have been teasing him, and when we're alone he admits he feels self-conscious about it. He's also in his mid-thirties, not old but not exactly a spring chicken, so I think he is worried about it for health reasons, too.

 

It's the health reasons that make me wonder if I should encourage him to lose weight, but I don't want him to think I don't find him sexy, when I will always think he is the sexiest guy in the room.

 

We'll go out to eat and he'll order something not very healthy ... my first instinct is to not say anything, he can take care of himself, but now I'm wondering if a good girlfriend would gently say something? But what do I say? If anything? Isn't part of being in a relationship being concerned for your partner's well-being?

[redhearts]

Communication is key but when it comes to weight it can almost always go bad, no matter how ya say it! The thing that may work is you putting an effect by doing things you like him to do. Such as you if you eat healthy and start watching sodium levels, carbs, fat grams etc., maybe he'll catch on. Or if you say hey lets go for a nice walk you can get him to exercise a bit.

[Balbina]

This is a tricky, touchy subject.

 

I think you should fully support your boyfriend in whatever he decides. Even if you're totally okay with him looking the way he is, you know he doesn't feel 100%. Why don't you suggest doing a fitness/health challenge - the both of you? Cook healthy foods and go to restaurants that have healthy food that is actually yummy (my boyfriend and I discovered a place downtown that serves salads that are to die for - HIS words)

 

Maybe you guys could do some more active things? Or you could ask him how he's feeling and if he wants you to support him in that area. Ask him straight up and don't beat around the bush because if you're hesitant he'll think you think it's a touchy subject, which might offend him. Straight up and to the point may avoid the touchiness of the issue.

[Lionel Hutz]

Well my girlfriend was sneaky. She wanted me to eat right so she cooked and shopped for everything when we lived together. I hardly noticed; in fact I felt like I was getting the royal treatment. Instead of blowing a whistle when your'e out try to order something and ask if he minded if you two split it. If YOU dont want him to lose the weight, tell him to keep it. Hes not sleeping with his friends, hes sleeping with you.

[PsychGirly]

Yea you definitely should "clue" it in. If I were you and I saw him ordering something unhealthy, I'd say something like "You're gonna kill yourself with that babe!" or "Are you trying to have a heart attack?" And then that'll lead you into a conversation and be like "You have to start eating healthier. You're at an age now where taking care of yourself is important, so you should quit on the greasy, disgusting stuff and start eating healthy". If he's starting to feel insecure lately, I wouldn't mention "weight" or "dieting" quite yet. Work your way around it, and make it seem like you're just worried about his health, and not his image.

[Lionel Hutz]

Yea you definitely should "clue" it in. If I were you and I saw him ordering something unhealthy, I'd say something like "You're gonna kill yourself with that babe!" or "Are you trying to have a heart attack?" And then that'll lead you into a conversation and be like "You have to start eating healthier. You're at an age now where taking care of yourself is important, so you should quit on the greasy, disgusting stuff and start eating healthy". If he's starting to feel insecure lately, I wouldn't mention "weight" or "dieting" quite yet. Work your way around it, and make it seem like you're just worried about his health, and not his image.

 

Some don't respond well to being patronized, especially about ones meal.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Maybe try working out together.

 

If you are worried about his health, don't make this a "you need to lose weight" topic. Make it a "let's get healthier as a couple" topic.

 

Also, I love lionel suggestions of cooking and buying him healthier foods. He won't even notice.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Yea you definitely should "clue" it in. If I were you and I saw him ordering something unhealthy, I'd say something like "You're gonna kill yourself with that babe!" or "Are you trying to have a heart attack?" And then that'll lead you into a conversation and be like "You have to start eating healthier. You're at an age now where taking care of yourself is important, so you should quit on the greasy, disgusting stuff and start eating healthy". If he's starting to feel insecure lately, I wouldn't mention "weight" or "dieting" quite yet. Work your way around it, and make it seem like you're just worried about his health, and not his image.

 

Iunno, I'd get ticked if a guy did that to me everytime I grabbed a dessert....

 

Then I'd just eat it to spite them....

[PsychGirly]

Some don't respond well to being patronized, especially about ones meal.

 

Yea but he might not respond to working out as a couple, either. If he's already feeling insecure about his weight, then no matter how she puts it accross, it's automatically going to trigger something in his mind that's going to tell him "She doesn't like the way I look" or "She's trying to tell me i'm fat." The key here is to suggest it in a way that won't hurt him. I much rather feel patronized about my health than have my partner suggest that we "work out together".

[Lionel Hutz]

Yea but he might not respond to working out as a couple, either. If he's already feeling insecure about his weight, then no matter how she puts it accross, it's automatically going to trigger something in his mind that's going to tell him "She doesn't like the way I look" or "She's trying to tell me i'm fat." The key here is to suggest it in a way that won't hurt him. I much rather feel patronized about my health than have my partner suggest that we "work out together".

 

Lets see:

 

 

"Babe I got us gym memberships, I can do Pilates while you beat a punching bag. Sound fun?"

 

Or

 

"Babe thats disgusting, don't eat that its going to kill you."

 

Its about softening the blow.

[dewess]

Thanks for the responses, everyone! I appreciate it.

 

I think I will try the softened joking about what he orders... and not mention "diet" or anything like that directly, unless I think he's really being unhealthy. And definitely try to go to healthier restaurants/cook better. We do both play on a local kickball team, but right after all the exercise the team goes right to a bar... I will keep brainstorming. Thanks again!

[Lionel Hutz]

iunno, i'd get ticked if a guy did that to me everytime i grabbed a dessert....

 

then i'd just eat it to spite them....

 

 

lmfao!. ........

[Cognitive_Canine]

well, it's true!!! LOL.

 

My dad would always poke at my weight when I was younger (9-14) and I ate a lot just to tick him off. No kidding.

 

Also, working out together improves your sex lives. Yet another reason why a "let's get healthy together" plan is better.

[JadedStar]

Well my girlfriend was sneaky. She wanted me to eat right so she cooked and shopped for everything when we lived together. I hardly noticed; in fact I felt like I was getting the royal treatment. Instead of blowing a whistle when your'e out try to order something and ask if he minded if you two split it. If YOU dont want him to lose the weight, tell him to keep it. Hes not sleeping with his friends, hes sleeping with you.

 

Wait, i've seen your pic. I can't imagine you had even a hint of a weight prob mr lionel!

 

OP the best way tho is what lionel suggests. Me and my SO have taken up biking and bike together a lot. So we both are getting exercise that we need. Suggest a sport or activity you can do together. If he sees you motivated and you encouraging him he'll be more likely to follow thru. Even if you dont think you yourself need to lose weight getting activity won't hurt anybody.

[JadedStar]

well, it's true!!! LOL.

 

My dad would always poke at my weight when I was younger (9-14) and I ate a lot just to tick him off. No kidding.

 

Also, working out together improves your sex lives. Yet another reason why a "let's get healthy together" plan is better.

 

I was a normal weight kid with a lot of bone thin cousins. I mean bone thin. They called me chubby. I hated it! I wasn't even the least bit chubby (to put it the way my mom did, i didn't have a tape worm like they did LOL)

 

The last laugh is on them. They are all now overweight adults and I am the same size as i was when i was 21. LOL I got thinner, they got heavier.

[Lionel Hutz]

Wait, i've seen your pic. I can't imagine you had even a hint of a weight prob mr lionel!

 

OP the best way tho is what lionel suggests. Me and my SO have taken up biking and bike together a lot. So we both are getting exercise that we need. Suggest a sport or activity you can do together. If he sees you motivated and you encouraging him he'll be more likely to follow thru. Even if you dont think you yourself need to lose weight getting activity won't hurt anybody.

 

High blood pressure. The silent killer in a skinny man.LOL!

[Cognitive_Canine]

I was a normal weight kid with a lot of bone thin cousins. I mean bone thin. They called me chubby. I hated it! I wasn't even the least bit chubby (to put it the way my mom did, i didn't have a tape worm like they did LOL)

 

The last laugh is on them. They are all now overweight adults and I am the same size as i was when i was 21. LOL I got thinner, they got heavier.

 

Ha. Same thing happened to me. I got hips at a way young age. Just a really awkward phase for me.

 

However, my favourite pair of shorts is ones I bought in 7th grade. And they are loose on me now.

 

I think being at a "chubbier" size as a kid, I learned how to manage my weight through eating the right foods and exercise. I didn't have a metabolism to depend on. However, metabolisms fade. Which leave all the girls who were once skinny in high school with not an idea on how to manage weight now.

[JadedStar]

Ha. Same thing happened to me. I got hips at a way young age. Just a really awkward phase for me.

 

However, my favourite pair of shorts is ones I bought in 7th grade. And they are loose on me now.

 

I think being at a "chubbier" size as a kid, I learned how to manage my weight through eating the right foods and exercise. I didn't have a metabolism to depend on. However, metabolisms fade. Which leave all the girls who were once skinny in high school with not an idea on how to manage weight now.

 

 

SO TRUE! Because of my experiences i was extremely weight conscious my whole life thus already having a leg up. That and the fact i had a very domineering mom who was a health nut and she had me exercising and dieting as early as the age of 8! So watching my weight was as normal as apple pie where they never had to deal with it, so when the metabolism slowed down they went up in weight.

[redhearts]

Go to his favorite restaurant, ask for the nutrition info. Then be like OH MY GOD! Because a plate of food at a restaurant is usually ridiculous in calories.

[Jeremiah Johnson]

You could make him feel needed as a way to get him to workout. Tell him you need him to run with you, bike with you... tell him how much it helps you when he's there doing it with you or eating well right beside you to encourage you in your own eating habits. Guys like to be needed!

[PixelPusher]

I think working out together is a great idea. Even if you're in shape, routine exercise would still do YOU good, and do even more good for him. Another thought... and this works with my girlfriend and I: We have a "fat" day (typically Saturday) where we eat whatever we want. But the rest of the week, we try to eat well.

[eleanorrigby1]

We all KNOW what is bad for us and we know what we should be eating. We also have mirrors and scales and we know what we look like. We don't need the one person we feel comfortable with pointing out something that we KNOW.

 

"honey that chicken with cheese and chips isnt healthy.."

 

"No kidding!!! REALLY?!" D'oh!!

 

Or pointing out that maybe they should lose some weight.. he probably knows he should lose some weight and will get round to it when he is ready. If you point out his bad food choices you will only make him feel worse!!

 

I went out with a guy who used to say to me "If you order the kids portion its smaller.." and i would think 'but im hungry?!! why would i want a smaller portion!' other times someone would shout "Do you two want a sandwhich?!" and he would shout "No thanks, WE'RE on a diet.." and i would be sat there starving. My self esteem was soo low by this point I couldn't stick up for myself. That relationship didn't last.

 

Leave your boyfriend alone, let him order what he likes and just let him make his own decisions regarding his weight and his body and just love him for who he is.

 

Unless he is 20 stone and about to die of cardiac arrest you don't have to worry about his 'health'

 

I also find it really patronising when people pretend to be concerned for your health like you are about to die from a heart attack because you aren't a size 8!

[eleanorrigby1]

Also if my boyfriend suddenly asked if i wanted to join a gym with him, i would be really hurt.

 

All you can do is cook healthier meals at home when you are together and maybe cut out the alcohol when you sit in. The rest is up to him.

[thegirl_00]

I am extremely thin, and my boyfriend is a little overweight. I have always liked guys with some meat on them.

 

However, my boyfriend has a Deadly sweet tooth! Sometimes he is sneaky about his eating habits.

 

I am a very cautious eater because MANY things upset my stomach. So whenever we go out to eat I make sure its something healthy. You can't change what he eats when you aren't around, but you can when you are with him.

 

Also, I often bring up how GOOD i feel after eating a HEALTHY meal. Compared to unhealthy food. Which is just a statement, but a bit of an encourager as well.

[eleanorrigby1]

ooh one thing I noticed with my boyfriend, who isn't fat but keeps complaining he has put weight on.. is he eats in the evenings and then snores really loudly and it was affecting our sex life also because he would be too full for a romp! ha ha

 

I told him i was sick of him eating crisps and rubbish in the evenings with beer because it meant he was too full for anything with me and that he snored really loudly! this stopped him from being a pig in the evening.

 

It might be worth a go saying "I have noticed if you eat a lot of dairy.. or fatty stuff in the evening, it lies heavy on your tummy and makes you snore a lot all night, keeping me awake!"

 

That way you aren't picking on his weight but steering him away from rubbish foods x