Marriage, 2 girls, obligation

[minitoons]

Thank you for reading

 

Actually this post fits a few of the other forums sub categories but I guess I will put this in the main r/s forum. Sorry for the lengthy post because it's a 9 year relationship and I’m trying to summarize everything here.

 

I've been seeing Y, for the past 9 yrs (started in 1999, we were both 18 when we first met) and we are recently engaged and planning to get married within the next 1 year. Here's the up and down story of my relationship life with her. And I'm the cheater here.

 

I've met Y during an overseas internship and we fell madly in love with each other. She was my 1st serious gf then. She's from a staunched Christian family and so her family adheres to alot of the Christian values. I gradually adopted the values and follow suit after much reluctance. Accepted Christ and recently got myself baptized after I'd been serving in ministry for awhile. We haven't slept together yet but we had some heavy petting but it's a promised we made to each other to keep that for our wedding night.

 

About 5 yrs ago (early 2004), I left home to seek my education in Australia (and so here comes the long distance r/s) and I came to know this girl, M from church and we are from the same country. We fell madly in love with each other. M just gotten off a r/s then we got to know each other and so I could be the rebound guy. In any case, being away and she had been in Australia longer than I did, she showed me around and eventually she moved into my place and we started a life together. At that time, Y and I were still officially together and M knew about it. M gave me time to settle Y but eventually I didn't leave Y but I'd lied to M that we have broken off. It was selfish of me. Eventually we slept together just barely 1 month knowing each other and it was our first time. There after, there were many misunderstandings and she left me after 4 months. I was devastated, being quite isolated in the foreign land, the effect was even greater. But it got me stronger and I worked even hard for my education and got the results I'd wanted.

 

Y and I were still together and in constant contact and I would go back home for summer holidays and spent the 3 months at home. But that is just one flaw; she's always active in church and thus unable to spend a lot time with me. We argued about that a lot but I’d since gotten use to it.

 

4 years had passed (mid 2007) and I’d returned home after graduation due to work opportunities. M was back 6 months before me. We were in NC for the first 6 months after we broke off and LC for the next 3 years. Just before I returned, we started communicating via phone again at that time I told her I am still seeing Y.

 

When I returned, it was pretty near to mine and M’s birthday so I met her for the first time after at least 2 years. We exchanged gifts and subsequently we started seeing each other more often then I could see Y. We fell in love with each other again and eventually sleeping with each other again. M was the only girl I’d slept with and she claimed likewise. Again, she wanted me to leave Y but I know I couldn’t because I feel insecure that she will just leave me again even though she assured me time and again it won’t happen.

 

I’d tried many ways to make myself distant away from M, tried LC and NC but still broke them myself. And I think I’m rushing into marriage because I want to make the distant further. M doesn’t know that I’m engaged and but wants me leave Y and commit to her whole-heartedly. I once told her that I will never leave Y and she tried killing herself twice.

 

In summary, I love M more than Y because M is more fun to be with and we spent a lot of good moments together but I feel more secure with Y and I know I can have a good family with Y rather than M. M feels that I’m obligated to Y because of the number of years we are together and the expectations of people around me.

[minitoons]

*reserve for questions later, currently at work*

 

I think I've fallen into a situation where I love 2 girls at the same time. Each having characteristics of their kind. Very different from each other. Each is attractive in their own ways which I love. It's selfish of me to want both girls at the same time but I know I can only choose one.

 

I'm not sure if the one I'm going to marry is the right one and I really wish someone can tell me what to do. I'm troubled. I intentionally ticked M off last week and she stopped talking to me. And I really miss her alot. Y on the other hand hardly has time for me, we talk on the phone everyday though but I'm expecting a little more than just talking for 10 mins or sending a few text in a day.

[redhearts]

Y deserves a man who will respect her and love her. She wanted to wait till marriage, you didn't don't start your marriage off as a lie. You need to fess up wit Y on what you did and break it off. As for M I don't even think you deserve her. You probably do love M though and just keeping Y as a maybe if M leaves. Your afraid to be alone. You also want to have your cake and eat it too, which you been doing. No offense to you but your not a very good man.

[Rose21]

Wow I don't even know what to say.

 

Your a jerk!

 

Here this loving and caring woman you've been with for 9 years is wanting to wait til marriage and thinks you are too, and then you go off and cheat on her? And sleep with another and fall in love after a month??

 

Any guy that has to cheat has problems not with the girl, but with himself. Insecurity issues.

 

I'm sooo glad my boyfriend isn't like that.

[Aschleigh]

This is what trying to remain a virgin until marriage gets you. 9 years is a long time.

Why did you adopt the religious views of your girlfriend, were you engaged?

Do you have a good sense of who you are? that will come in handy in every relationship.

Don't committ to either of these women. If you like M be with her.

You will probably not end up with either of these women.

You seem young, live a little more. Don't get too caught up in either women.

[redhearts]

UGGH sorry but I'm totaly bugged for Y she wants to wait till marriage, thinking you are and you aren't even a virgin. Oh my God what kind of man are you!?

[mustard1234]

dear minitoons,

 

ok, look. don't feel attacked.

 

you know that this whole situation sucks. decent people do really, really tacky things sometimes. you my friend, have done a very tacky thing.

 

my honest opinion is that you need to end it with BOTH of them.

 

You can spare Y the details and just generally break her heart. Or you can 'come clean' (honestly, at this point it would be more for your benefit than any to her) and absolutely dessimate her, along wtth the general heartbreak.

 

Only you know if she's the kind who would prefer the entire, really really whack truth.

 

M is deEply manipulative at best, insane at the worst. Suicide threats are SO not cool. First of all, if she's been content to *knowingly* be part of your deception....you SHOULD be scared she's going to leave you. It takes two to tango my dude and if she'll be sneaky with you, she will be sneaky without you.

 

If you really have accepted Christ, the best thing you can do is admit that you have sinned. Huge. And start with forgiveness from Him.

 

If you're not actually sold on the doctrine, then consult your deity/"positive force" of choice.

 

Next, ask yourself WHY you did this? Selfishness? Stuff in your past? Abuse? Insecurity? Do you just hate women for some reason (that is a legit psych. disorder that happens sometimes). For the sake of yourself and any woman in the precarious position of crossing your path, do not be with ANYONE until you sort this out internally.

 

Your life will be hell with M, you will burn in hell if you do this to Y.

 

Let them go, and work on YOU.

 

 

PS

I hate to add to the stoning brigade after you but, guys like you are why girls do not let men get into their pants until they have a ring. I don't think you want to be that guy. You can be better than that guy. But, it needs to happen with a whole new girl after a LOT of time to sort yourself out and stop being a selfish person.

 

Karma is a B my friend.

 

Best of luck in sorting this out and sorting your own spirit. Admitting you've got a problem is the first step to fixing it. I'm glad you came.

[Aschleigh]

Asking a person to wait 9 years for sex is insane. She made her own bed on that one.

He cheated. The new girl is not terribly stable either. They all need help.

[minitoons]

thank you all for the view. I agree im the jerk here. I had supposedly thought about ending both sides and just leave the country and live on my own again to start afresh. Away from either one of them is probably the best option.

[minitoons]

...

 

 

Thanks for your opinion. I had tried many times to end it with M but we ended up bouncing back. But I'm determine to do it now.

 

I've confessed to Him and even spoke to counselor about this when it first happened in 2004. When it first ended, I felt like hell but after a few weeks I knew it was for a good cause. I strive hard to make things work between me and Y and it did work out alright until I come home again when my social circle shrunk after being away for a period of time and Y is constantly busy. M started to call and talk to me. In the beginning she claimed she didn't want commitment and just wanted to be with me because she missed those time we had in 2004. So one thing led to another.

 

Yes, I feel remorseful everytime M and I start seeing each other but its the emotional barrier I need to break. I am using M and taking her for granted which should not be the case. I feel awful everytime i cheat on Y.

 

At this stage, I'm just hoping M will get over well and YES, she deserves her happiness.

 

As for Y, I'm deciding on when I should break the news to her. She has been very supportive in every ways but I'm not sure about infidelity.

[minitoons]

This is what trying to remain a virgin until marriage gets you. 9 years is a long time.

Why did you adopt the religious views of your girlfriend, were you engaged?

Do you have a good sense of who you are? that will come in handy in every relationship.

Don't committ to either of these women. If you like M be with her.

You will probably not end up with either of these women.

You seem young, live a little more. Don't get too caught up in either women.

 

After what happened in 2004, I took the His way to get over M and I served Him whole-heartedly. I may sound like a hypocrite here but, I'm a God-fearing man. From 04-07, I kept myself straight. Not getting swayed by temptation. Girls approached but I wasn't shaken. And I did what I could to stay away from temptation. I only had Y in my mind. And that was how subsequently we made plans for marriage.

 

I'm not sure why things changed so much after I come back home. I was a better person when I was away.

[redhearts]

You should tell Y the truth as soon as possible. The sooner the better. Good luck.

[McCarty]

To my mind, you don't have the emotional maturity to form a stable, lasting and healthy relationship. Your relationship with Y is based on nothing but lies. If you had a thread of a conscience you would tell Y the whole truth and ask her forgiveness. You undoubtedly don't deserve her. IMO you should definitely break up with both of them as you're simply not ready for a relationship. If you don't you'll be running a serious risk of doing even greater harm to them. Y isn't by any means to blame for the situation in my opinion. You knew perfectly well what her rules were and you broke them with breathtaking impertinence. For every decent person it is absolutely clear that you don't start a new relationship while you're already in one. If something goes wrong and you come to the conclusion that it won't work, you break up and start looking for a new partner. You should be aware that M. knows perfectly well that you're not to be trusted, because if a person cheated on sb once he will probably do it again. thereforee, it is quite likely that you would be dumped by her sooner or later anyway.

[Lamprey]

The simple answer is, end it with Y. It's not healthy to go a decade without sex while you're young. This is why people date & sleep around when they're young, hormones rule and they get it out of their system so that they can settle down without regrets. So don't worry about having done what you did. Your crime was not having sex, it was not breaking off with Y before you did that, and thereforee lying. It's perfectly natural for you to have jumped at the opportunity when you had one. It's not right, but it is normal.

 

What you ought to do is end it with Y since what she wants is not what you want, and it's not really natural either. And in this case, indulging your more base instincts - e.g., sleeping with single girls your age - is not exactly a bad thing. Get out there, have fun. Just be straight & direct with Y, tell her what you did, apologize. Don't ask her to take you back, but don't break up with her either. Let her break up with you, you screwed her over and she deserves the satisfaction.

 

You can always rediscover religion later on. A lot of people have, there are saints who had their fun/marriages/orgies while young and then joined the church. So rather than be miserable, enjoy life and when you're done, go to confession, and you'll be set.

 

Just don't lie to women again in the future. Sometimes you have to choose the lesser evil - break up vs. cheat - but as long as you're honest, you will be respected for it.

[minitoons]

....

Thanks for the honest and truthful opinion. I'm plucking my courage to tell Y about it and prepared for the worse to call off the wedding.

 

As for M, I'd decided to stop seeing and contacting her. I just need to overcome the emotional barrier of missing her. I'm quite certain my relationship with her will never be a secure one.

[McCarty]

Everyone makes mistakes and I realize that you probably have been going through a very tough time lately. I'm quite sure that Y will eventually break up with you if you tell her the truth - your confession will leave her devastated and disillusioned. However, if you don't you might find it extremely difficult to live with in the long run. I for one couldn't be with a person that I have betrayed in such a way withour feeling guilt and remorse. If you start a new life you will have a genuine chance of achieving happiness and you probably won't make the same mistakes again. After all, you know first-hand how grave the results can be.

I wish you all the best. Good luck.

[Rose21]

Geeze Lamprey, where are your morals?

 

I hate guys that go out and sleep with all the girls. Sickens me.

 

I only go for serious commitments. And same with my boyfriend.

 

Although we waited 2 months for sex and have a VERY healthy sex life. Since college we will see eachother one weekend a month and every day on holidays. So its sex everyday then! lol.

[minitoons]

...

Hi Rose, I envy that you have a healthy relationship with your bf. I wish you the best. Thank you for your participation. Yes I agree I'm the jerk here. But I'd my reasons for falling back. Not defending myself here but I just want to add a little more context.

 

I don't live in the States and Y lives accross the border of my home land which is about 2 hours away. She works in my country but goes home every day. I had asked her many times to come stay with me but because of her parents, she couldn't do that. She's a permanent resident of my country while I'm a foreigner in hers.

 

When I came back in the 3rd quarter of 2007, I had very little time with Y and she's always not available due to work and filled her saturdays and sundays with church activities (in her country), I'm not against that but she's not striking a balance between me and church. We meet up like once every 2 weeks sometimes even lesser. Yes, it may not be a good enough reason for me to stray but that's the real reason behind it.

 

M and I happened to attend the same church so we gradually started attending services together on sundays and then meals. One thing led to another as mentioned before. When I first saw M again, I told her I was already seeing Y and I have no intention to leave her but to wait till our matrimony to live together officially.

 

During this time, when I had problems adjusting my life back home, Y couldn't speak to me nor see me. M could relate better because she came back 6 months earlier. I started working and had problems coping, M was always the supportive figure behind me. Eventually, I started talking to M more than Y. When I went for a business trip, M surprised me one weekend by turning up at my hotel. Imagine that thought!!!

 

We started sleeping together is not purely desire and tension but also love for each other. And because we had not been having sex for years and to anyone, eventually it just came very naturally after prolonged and intense communication.

[Rose21]

Yeah still...I could never do that. If I ever had the urge (Which I wouldn't) I would break up with my boyfriend 1st, and then pursue the intrest. But that thing isn't me.

 

I don't get to see my boyfriend as much as I used to. I see him one weekend a month, and then on breaks such as Thanksgiving, X-mas, Spring Break, and Summer, I see him every day as much as I want.

 

It's because he's still in my state, but he moved 5 hrs away for college. Which has its hard moments, but isnt all THAT hard because the distance could be much much worse. And I kind of need to make college my main focus, since I'm new to this and if he was going close by I KNOW for a fact I wouldn't be studying, and the only thing I would worry about would be seeing him as much as I could. Thats what happened at the end of high school when we started dating. So maybe this is good for me!

[minitoons]

I thank you all for your participation. By penning things here made me clearer of what's going on in my life.

 

Currently, I'm going through a bad emotion state and physically, I've been constantly ill due to the adjustment to work, environment and weather back home.

 

Deep down, I believe I have the answer of what I should do, I just need to surface the core issues of the problem and attack that part.

[minitoons]

Just a quick update. Since M and I are still in NC, I've spoken to her mum for awhile yesterday. M still lives with her parents. To those that are wondering why, we are not from the states. We are Asians and living in South Asia. It's normal for us to still live with our parents before marriage or unless we have to move to another city/country for our career. Just not common for us to move out from our parents mainly because of tradition and secondly because of the price of real estate in my country is craaaaaaazzily high.

 

Anyway the talk with M's mum. I am not sure if it is because of guilt or I am missing M, the talk was actually good and relieving for me. I apologised to M's mum and told her to forgive me for not treating her daughter fairly. She wasn't mad but was humble and forgiving and told me if I really love her daughter I should really do something about it like propose to her if she really is ready for marriage. I wasn't shock but I believe it was her mum that is advocating to her to marry me when she knows that we were together. Anyway, I've decided to let M heal and not to have anything to do with her at least for the near future and future. But I know I still love her. At the end of the talk, I told her mum not to breathe a word to M about my call and told her to keep an close eye of her in case of suicide attempts. The mum shared with me about M's troubled childhood and about how she didn't have time for her when she was younger. M's mum is a young mother. And so I can relate better to her.

 

On J, I haven't had the opportunity to meet her and talk to her about this but I swear I really want to. J still loves me deeply and is totally devoted as much as I can say.

 

This thing is taking a great effect on me. I can barely sleep now always waking up dreaming or thinking about M. It's probably the withdrawal from M.