single and pregnant ex has another girl pregnant too!

[MickeyNMe]

please help! I need some advice.. I am a single mother of an 8 yr old daughter and have been divorce for 4 years, I have dated this guy for3 years and we broke up 3 months ago. I found out that I am pregnant (12 weeks) and it is his (he is the only one I have been with in 3 years!) He has already moved on and has moved in with his new girlfriend of 2 months and she is pregnant too (6 weeks)! I told him about the pregnancy and he wants their baby and "will take responsibility" for mine. The question is, I dont want him to have nothing to do with me and the pregnancy and then something happen between them after my baby is born and he then decides to be apart of my babys life? I want my child to have a fair shot at having a "real" father that loves him and not one that just has to do it to be responsible? Does this make any sense? Please help me. Can I leave his name off the Birth Certificate to keep him from trying to get my baby later, if things dont work out with his new woman? Am I going crazy or what?!

[CanadianGirl]

I don't know about American Law...but here in Canada...if you and the father have not been LIVING together for 1 year prior to baby's birth...the father has NO LEGAL RIGHT to see the child.

 

I suggest getting full guardianship/custody of the baby once he/she is born. You can state your reasons to the court.

 

I just got full custody of my 6 year old daughter this week. It was an easy process....

[Beec]

Different states have different laws in the U.S., but most give all parents a right to see their children. You cannot change who the father is by leaving him off a piece of paper. What you need to do is work with him to get him to be a father, but that is not going to be easy with him having two kids of the same age. Him actually being a father and not jsut a sperm donor would be best for your baby. So, regardless of you differences with him, that's what you should work towards.

[avman]

You cannot ignore the father just because you've decided you don't want him to be part of your childs life. Even if you leave his name off the birth certificate he can file a paternity action for visitation and/or custody. Its not really fair for you to try to cut him out of the baby's life. After all, he is also responsible for paying child support for the baby.

 

Please encourage this man to be part of your child's life. Don't let the differences that the two of you have color the relationship with your child. That doesn't mean that if you develop a serious relationship with someone he couldn't also have a relationship with your child. Children need love and attention. If its from multiple people - so much the better. Try to work out something with your ex regarding your child. Its much healthier than a bitter battle.

[CanadianGirl]

It depends on whether or not the man is really going to be there.

 

In my situation....her father was never there anyways. He would continually make empty promises...he would make dates to spend with her, and not show up or even call for months on end. When he did see her, it was like a chore to him "...taking responsibility..." even though it wasn't in his heart.....I stopped forcing it.

 

I don't think "convincing him to" or "making him" accept the responsibility is going to help the child. If a child can get enough love and support from one parent, why should they NEED 2 parents? Don't get me wrong...in an ideal world every father would be a responsible, loving, compassionate person....this is not an ideal world. Reality.

 

If he is a good person - I think he deserves to see the child (if it's in his heart). If not, I don't think it should be forced. I also think she should keep the father's name on the birth certificate - because whether she likes it or not, the child is going to want to know who his/her father is someday. A child needs to identify with where he/she came from and who he/she is.

[MickeyNMe]

the problem is that HE doesnt want to have to pay child support or be apart of this unborn childs life. he wants to be "a daddy" to the other child. He told me that he would be "responsible" for this child but didnt want anything to do with me or the child. So I take that as he will pay support but only because he has too and not because he wants to be a part of my babys life. His theory is that if he forgets about this baby him and his new girlfriend will be a happy family and raise their child!

[avman]

Ah, ok. Well thats different. That is silly and insensitive on his part but that is his loss.

 

In many states in the U.S. it works like this. Once the child is born you will immediately have custody. Because you are unmarried he doesn't get any rights at birth unless you both sign whats called a Recognition of Parentage. That still gives you custody, but does set him up as the father with visitation rights and also obligates him to pay child support. If he wants any sort of custody he would have to fight for it in court unless you agreed to give it to him.

 

Now if he refuses to sign this, then you would have to file a paternity action against him to force him to pay child support. You really cannot prevent visitation and you will need the child support to help with the expenses. Now that doesn't mean he will use his visitation and you can't force him to do that. If money is tight, the state will help you with this. They don't want to have to pay out welfare benefits so its in their interest to make sure the father is paying his fair share.

 

If you do later have a relationship with someone who is a father figure for your child, thats great. You still have custody of your child and so the vast majority of time he/she will be with you and your partner. But leave the door open for the birth father. Sometimes as people mature they realize the stupid mistakes they made when they were younger. If he becomes more responsible then perhaps your child will be able to form a relationship with him that is beneficial to her.

 

Good luck, I'm sorry this is such a difficult situation for you.

 

avman

[mogurl]

I dont know about all of that...I mean, in my state..well, I'm 2 months pregnant and my ex has a new gf already..and we were never married...but he has a LOT of legal rights still because of a law saying something about unwed fathers should have same rights as married fathers. Man, I hope things go good for you. I sorta feel your pain though.

[benzonar]

Well I'm in a situation where my ex is carrying my child, and for no discernible reason refuses to speak to me. She had her 12 week scan on Tuesday and I have heard nothing, as far as I dee things now she is being selfish.

 

I genuinely think that my being involved would be in the childs best interests. Any bloke can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a dad. I only hope I get the chance.