mogurl

Actually, I have some hormone deficiencies and because of them, is why my body is rejecting the baby. So, that's why I'm at high risk. On top of that, I was born with 3 holes in my heart, so the risk of the actual labor is higher, but I'm not too worried about that part, I just want my baby to be ok. As for college...I am going into diagnostic medical sonography but also have a minor that is completely different, computer science...heh. It's a lot...I tell ya...Josh is like the only one that still seems to care. Like I said, most my friends abandoned me. Plus, I know Josh is having a rough time, too...so that upsets me to see him struggling. I dunno..maybe I care too much about some things...

Actually..my parents kicked me out and most my friends dont talk to me now. I did get permission to come back home long enough to finish this semester since I"m at college...but they are making it hell. My dad's an emotional abuser and lately getting physical. Things actually arent that great. I have no where to go and I had quit my job b/c when they thought I had cancer, I had to miss a lot for doctors visits, so I figured it wasnt a good time to start that job. I have no car and nothing. Heh. So really, it's not like I'm getting support from anyone. On top of that, Josh is getting an apartment and I cant move in with him anyway b/c he's having a guy friend of his do it..they've had it planned a really long time and he's not one to go back on a promise like that. He's having a lot of trouble coming up with the money though and works his butt off now and when I do rarely get to talk to him, he's exasted and too tired to really think. This new girl, well I'm yet to see what makes them a real "couple". He borrows her car, she pays for the gas...he uses her computer....stuff like that, they havent even went on a real date. It's confusing. What worries me is I'm at really high risk of losing the baby. If it dies, he's free. He wont have any reason to even stay my friend. He says the baby has nothing to do with why he wants me as a friend...but I dunno. I mean, I'd ALWAYS know this baby was here. It's growing in me. But I'm scared he'd just forget it and move on.

well...he and I talked yesterday. It was one of the first REAL convos we had in a long time and he told me a lot of what was hurting him without me asking. So for starters, now I know. I need to give him more space and I do really think he still loves me. I do think we are both utterly confused though.

I feel the same way, DragonSlayerX.

A friendship would be a support, but it hurts b/c I feel like *I* am not really his friend b/c I can't let him go. I still smother him. I still do all the things he hates and I never knew it until today when he told me. I hurt him bad and he had never told me. Then, when we thought I had cancer and when everything started going wrong, that was when he dumped me. I had a breakdown and it still hurts bad b/c I still love him wholeheartedly. He can move on and date but I cant. Besides, even if I wasnt pregnant, I still belong to him in my heart. As for him to get another girlfriend, he had been trying to form it with her before our official breakup so like 2 days after it, he instantly made it official and it hurt. There's so much I want to say but he doesnt want to listen. He's deliberately staying busy and tired. He's deliberately not wanting to hear me out. It hurts.

yes, he knows there is a child...but he had already gotten a new gf before I found out and now things are rocky. He wants to be friends, but I dont think I can.

It's a long poem that shows how I feel: "Times Like This" It's times like this that make me want to die, the simple things that hurt me, the memories that make me cry. Thinking of you at Easter, remembering being with you, how you use to hold me, how you loved me too. It's times like this that make me cry, they make me whither, they make me die. Thinking of QuinCon, and the 4th of July, of telling jokes, of singing rhymes. Thinking of gamer geeks, Warhammer tournaments, Magic decks… Thinking of Ebenezer, swimming, or cuddling during the storm. Thinking of going to church, watching the cattle, or us making love. It's thinking of the little things, that hurts so much. I love you, I miss you, Am I hurting enough? It's thinking of the times we laughed, or the times we cried. Of your broken car window, prom, or staying out late at night. It's thinking of you saying "I love you", or "baby" or "honey". It's thinking of having classes with you, programming, or spending money. It's thinking of the movies we've seen, the places we've ate, the dreams we had. It's thinking of drinking at Neil's, teasing Travina, making fun of Bill. It's playing Neopets, rolling dice, eating pizza, or watching the sky. It's thinking of D&D, rpgs, or singing in the car. It's thinking of LOTR, unicorns, or playing in the snow. It's thinking of your old mule, your broken car, your necklace, too. It's thinking of our memories, my time with you. It's times like this, I want to cry. Nothing else matters, except you and I. It's thinking of how you're gone now, how I'm pregnant with our child, how you've moved on, and how I can't. It's thinking of how much you mean to me, of our time well spent. How much I want you back, how much I want to hold you. It's times like this, thinking like this, please make the tears stop. It's times like this, I need you most. It's times like this, I hate you most. It's times like this, I love you, dear. It's times like this, I want you near. Please come back, please give me a second chance. I love you, Josh. Even in times like this…

Sometimes you reach the point in thinking though...that you're not thinking. You get to the point that it doesn't matter anymore. I believe in God and that's one of the things that has kept me from killing myself, i dont want to disappoint him, too. Yet, you can't disappoint him, b/c he forgives us. I gotta tell you, while your post was good and I agree with it, I wonder if you've ever really felt like you've ruined everything or that there is nothing left. I wonder if you realize how hard it is to overcome the feelings, even if you do believe in God and pray. I just wonder, that's all.

Well, even if she's everything you want...that doesn't mean you can't date in the mean time until she comes around. I mean, focusing all your time and effort on being a friend is probably obvious to her. Have you considered dating others?

well....I think you're leaving a lot of the story out. How is he your first true love when you didn't date? am I missing something? How would you know you loved him? How were things before your dad came along and what's his deal? I just think it's too hard to answer because it seems like you left a lot out. So, what should you do....hmm...what are you wanting from him exactly?

well...it's hard to say where you can find someone like that b/c I'm not there. But, what kinds of places are you looking in? What exactly are you wanting from the relationship?

by the way...feel free to respond

It's not bad...of course, I'm not really a poetry critic though. It feels like you don't put enough emotion in it and you're leaving this huge chunk out...only you know what that would be though.

Yeah, I haven't wrote a poem in a while...but this is just how I'm feeling right now. ---------------- You say you love me, you want to be friends, those words slice through me, when will the pain end? We were in love, I gave you my all, everything precious, my life I would give. But I hurt you, I gave you pain, I pushed you away, and now you're gone. Here I am… I can't get over you. I think of you every second, every night, I dream of you. You've got a new girl now, and I hate it, it's true, I'm so jealous. I want to be with you. I'm carrying our baby, I hope it's just like you. I love it so much, or maybe I just love you. But I hate you so much. You're hurting me, too. I can't be just friends. I can't talk to you. I can't stand how you smile, I can't stand how you touch, I can't stand you holding my hands, I can't hate you enough. What I hate the most, is the same thing I love. You won't hate me, you won't give up. You want to be there, you want to stay friends. But darling, I hate you. Cant we just end? I want you in my life, I want our baby to have you, but I love you so much, that I hate you.

yeah...and dont be upset if he doesnt find it at first...my ex took a while to find it b/c they arent necessarily as high or low as you'd think they'd be