ccali78 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 So I have posted my story over and over... My ex started dating after we broke up and was dishonest with me about it. I would not have cared if he was not leading me on. Now he stopped seeing her (did not ask the circumstances). He wants to work on his life and his AA process with the hopes of getting back together someday. I must say he is pretty emotionally detached from the world and pretty depressed. I just know I do not trust him and cannot tell when he is lying so why do I want to believe him. Why when he does not hear from me does he invite me over to hang out and let the dogs play. Why does he always mention the dog which he knows kills me. Why on a Saturday night when he finds out I am not on a date he is ok? I do not get it. I was asked out on another date by a guy that he knows I went on a date with for this weekend. I feel I should go but feel if I should see if we are both on the same page. Are we going to work or should I date? Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Because he's very content with keeping you on a leash. I would wish him well as far as getting his life together, and then inform him that you're moving on, and if he wishes to try again, you may consider it, depending on what's going on in your life at the time. Also, stop any communication with him, and don't be his safety net. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 You should date. And why not?!? He had no problems dating. You should not have to feel guilty about this either. It's great that he wants to work on his problems but you should not have to sit around and wait for that. Unless you want to of course. But who is to say that he won't just up and find another and your left stranded again? What ever you decide I wish you the best. Link to comment
majord23 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I just know I do not trust him and cannot tell when he is lying. Forget all the other dilemmas you are dealing with right now and focus on this one: Why, if what you have said above is true, would you want to reconcile with this man? Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 Do a reality check of what you hope for vs. the way it really is (and always has been). People are not fixer-upper projects. What you see is what you get, until the person decides to change, and shows you over a long time that the change is permanent. This guy has shown time and again that he lies and has a huge amount of problems. So if you go back, you are signing up for more of the same. If more of the same is OK, then go back. If not, then don't go back. Don't expect it to change just because you hope it will, or your are just wasting your time. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 I agree he probably is stringing me along and using me as his safety net. I do not even like the person he is. I just think I also do not want to be alone. Should I just tell him as I feel I need to be honest do not care what his motives are that I am going to continue dating and that is ok? Link to comment
majord23 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 I agree he probably is stringing me along and using me as his safety net. I do not even like the person he is. I just think I also do not want to be alone. Should I just tell him as I feel I need to be honest do not care what his motives are that I am going to continue dating and that is ok? I wouldn't be involving him in any decisions regarding your dating. He gives the impression of someone who doesn't want to be with you (at the moment) but also doesn't want you to move on. Telling him that you're going to date will just make him jealous/fearful of losing you....and he will then continue to attempt to string you along thus sabotaging any new relationship that you might form. He will do this, as he has, without committing himself to anything with you. For that reason, keep him completely in the dark in relation to your dating...and if he asks, avoid the question or just tell him that you refuse to discuss it with him. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 8, 2008 Author Share Posted September 8, 2008 Great advise Major. I do not understand this phenomenon of him getting jealous. I would love for him to move on. It would make my life easier. I do not understand why if someone does not want you they would not want you to move. And yes he has told me he does not want me to move on. He told me this to my face. I said I am moving on and he said. I do not want you to move on and I do not want to move. I do not think he is intentionally hurting me. I truly believe there is something wrong upstairs with this man. Which makes me questions myself as why I keep hanging around. I do not even think I am in love with him.... This is so confusing... Link to comment
majord23 Posted September 8, 2008 Share Posted September 8, 2008 This is so confusing... It's only confusing if you put value in what he says.If you only take into account his *actions*, the picture will become alot clearer. Don't give him the power to affect your actions, thoughts and feelings with his words and empty promises. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 Venting** So I get a text message last night after I said I could not watch the dog while he goes on VACATION. Saying he is having hard time finding a kennel as he is not fixed. (not my responsibility, I had my puppy fixed already and he is younger). I did not respond until this morning as I needed to sleep on it stating "I am sorry but I cannot watch the dog. I wanted to talk about this last time I saw you in person but you did not bring it up so I figured you were all set. I said right now my puppy goes to my parents and they are really mad at you and I am not going to confront them on this one although I feel horrible. I told him he should ask his brother" Ok so remind me of why I do not see all the signs of he still wants me to do everything for him but nothing for me??? Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 Now he asks if his brother takes the dog can I watch him Saturday Night for the night? I said I have plans Saturday night? I am getting madder by the minute. Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Tell him to get the kind of pet sitter who comes to his house. Problem solved. I don't think he wants to solve his own problems. He wants other people to take care of him. There's nothing in this for you. Suggest you just cut him off and move on. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 I sent him a text back stating. I always compromise and I just tired of it and full of resentment and maybe this is all too much it always your terms and what you want, well there things I want too and I am going to put myself first I have had enough. I said the difference is I am in love with you and you do not want what I want so have fun in Colorado and I am done. I just want to get him out of my life and stop being weak and stop doing the easy thing. I wish he would find someone else for real and be a man and move on. He does not love me. He just wants to use me. I believe he has always used me. I do not think he knows what love is. His parents never showed him love. Well maybe tough love. His family always ran as a business, not a family. Link to comment
Mutley Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Maybe you should just concentrate working on your sobriety for now? Link to comment
LostTranslation Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Venting** Ok so remind me of why I do not see all the signs of he still wants me to do everything for him but nothing for me??? You do see them but you are a sweetheart and this guy is just pushing your buttons... Bottom line is you will move on, its just a matter of when you decide to do so...I still get vacation photos from Xs pushing my buttons, its bizarre but if you are healthy mentally and physically, ready for a healthy relationship, then move on now..Life is to short to waste your time with someone who is clearly not.. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 Yeah I know that is the truth. I just wish being ready would come now. He did respond back say Ok Wow... I guess I will just stop talking and texting you.... Bye Yes that is the words of someone that loves a person. Oh well... I am glad I can come here and vent and talk. Because I will admit I am a wreck right now. He just knows how to get to me and a simple can you watch the dog while I go on vacation turns into everything wrong. I guess it goes to show that we are definitely not ready to be friends if ever. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 Mutley you are absolutely right. He keeps pushing me away from what I need to focus on. He just makes it seem like it is so easy. That his life is dandy and cannot understand why mine is not. Hi We had plans to go to Colorado. I had to cancel my airline ticket. Maybe you can put it in the dogs name and you 2 can go together. I am so angry but my anger turns to fear and fear is the thing that paralyzes me and drives me. I have so much fear and that is something that I am going to learn to work on through this process. Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 And to make matters worse I totally went off on him. I guess it made me feel better. I have never really done that before. Just telling him the way he makes me feel and getting so much off my chest. I told him he makes me feel like a piece of trash and that I was not going to take it anymore. That he has me over never asks me to stay and that he never really talks to me about anything. It is like 2 mutes on a couch... Sounds like fun huh??? I left it as What does he actually want from me? Not meaning a relationship I know he does not want that. But why the hell is he doing all this stupid * * * * to me. It is like I am his gf without the title. I probably said too much but I feel so much better.... I totally suggest an tell off session if you mean and can stick to it.... Link to comment
Mutley Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 After you get a foundation for yourself. You will be more ready to date in a more healthy manor. (With a NEW guy!!) Link to comment
LostTranslation Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 Yeah I know that is the truth. I just wish being ready would come now. He did respond back say Ok Wow... I guess I will just stop talking and texting you.... Bye Yes that is the words of someone that loves a person. Oh well... I am glad I can come here and vent and talk. Because I will admit I am a wreck right now. He just knows how to get to me and a simple can you watch the dog while I go on vacation turns into everything wrong. I guess it goes to show that we are definitely not ready to be friends if ever. Its very complex, all the emotions you blow through dealing with this but why do feel as if you are a "Wreck"? Do you feel guilty about moving on and or bad because you just love this guy and dont want to cut it off? Link to comment
ccali78 Posted September 9, 2008 Author Share Posted September 9, 2008 "(With a NEW guy!!)" DEFINITELY!!! Link to comment
BeStrongBeHappy Posted September 9, 2008 Share Posted September 9, 2008 He sounds like a cream skimmer... he just takes what he wants from the person and leaves the rest... It's very demoralizing to be valued for what you can do for a person as opposed to being loved and cherished for who you are. Sounds like he wants things in efficient little packages to meet his needs (i.e., 2 minutes on the couch for sex, you taking the dog while he trots off on vacation). Don't engage with him anymore as people like this don't know how to do anything but take and it will only make you feel worthless to have continued contact with him. Consider it done and close the door. Link to comment
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