EllyLamb86 Posted September 6, 2008 Share Posted September 6, 2008 I am 21 years old and engaged to the man I have been dating for over five years. We lived in separate towns up until last year when we got a place together. We've had ups and downs throughout our relationship but we generally get along fine. We still laugh and joke around together. We still go out and enjoy one-another s company. We argue occasionally but it is usually over petty things and is resolved shortly after our tempers have cooled. The problem I have is I feel like our passion is gone. I care deeply for him and I know he thinks the world of me but I don't feel the "need" to be with him past the simple need for physical contact to abate my loneliness. Our sex life has dwindled since we have moved in together, originally because he seemed to lack interest. Even with our mutual renewed efforts, we still do not have sex more then once or twice a month. I find myself thinking about other men, usually men I'm close to emotionally such as good friends. Even if I know they are not someone I am exceptionally attracted to nor someone I would like to start a relationship with. I find myself longing for something else and more then my relationship is giving and simply wish it would be acceptable by both society and my fiance if I was to explore my sexual interests a bit more. We've been together since I was a very young age and I hadn't done much in the way of dating before him. I have no intention of acting on these thoughts and I don't want to break off our relationship. I know if I break it now to "sow my wild oats" I am not going to get him back. I still love him very much and know I'm not likely to find someone who will treat me as well as he does. What should I do? Am I just being immature and selfish for wanting more? I've talked to him about seeing a counselor but he refuses. What should I do? Link to comment
healthseeker Posted September 6, 2008 Share Posted September 6, 2008 This is completley normal! You are so very young and feel like you are "missing out" a bit? I wish you could be on your own for a while and find yourself a bit more. How old is your fiance...do you think maybe he could feel the same way? Link to comment
EllyLamb86 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Share Posted September 6, 2008 My fiance is 24. I don't think he feels the same way. We've talked somewhat about the problems in our relationship before and our lack of passion isn't something that he sees as a problem. He's says he's happy with what he's getting. Some years back, shortly after I moved for college, after we had had some serious issues, he mentioned that he had thought about us taking a break for awhile but he didn't think he could be with me again, knowing I had been with someone else. I don't think a temporary break will be possible, especially know that we live together. Link to comment
healthseeker Posted September 6, 2008 Share Posted September 6, 2008 . Some years back, shortly after I moved for college, after we had had some serious issues, he mentioned that he had thought about us taking a break for awhile but he didn't think he could be with me again, knowing I had been with someone else. Make sure this is not about control before you go any further. You need to listen to your well-being voice whispering to you! Link to comment
EllyLamb86 Posted September 6, 2008 Author Share Posted September 6, 2008 Make sure this is not about control before you go any further. You need to listen to your well-being voice whispering to you! My fiance isn't a controlling person. Out of all the years we've been together he has only forbid me from doing one thing and it was something, looking back on it now, that was for my own good. He's not the jealous type, so much so that I was actually upset for awhile that he didn't care enough to be jealous. I've grown up a bit since then. he mentioned that he had thought about us taking a break for awhile but he didn't think he could be with me again, knowing I had been with someone else. Saying something like this to me was very unlike himself which leaves me to believe that he meant it. Up until he said this I almost believed that I could do just about anything and he would forgive me. I didn't act on that belief but his words was still a splash in the face. Link to comment
SimplySasha Posted September 6, 2008 Share Posted September 6, 2008 Our sex life has dwindled since we have moved in together, originally because he seemed to lack interest. Even with our mutual renewed efforts, we still do not have sex more then once or twice a month. Are you sure you're not already married?! he mentioned that he had thought about us taking a break for awhile but he didn't think he could be with me again, knowing I had been with someone else. I don't think a temporary break will be possible, especially know that we live together. That sounds pretty selfish and controlling to me. I mean, he's been with you since you were about 15 or 16? The whole knowing you had been with someone else sounds pretty crazy, like he had been grooming you from the start to be his one and only. Besides, if you are taking a "break" meaning you're allowed to date others, whats the problem wiht you being with someone else, it wouldn't be cheating. The rest of the world seems ok with dating people that have been with others.... I still love him very much and know I'm not likely to find someone who will treat me as well as he does. Even if you do love him very much, if the relationship needs to end, it might need to end. Do NOT let the thought that nobody else will treat you as well as he does into your mind because that is NOT true at all! There are plenty of good people in this world who will treat you well, they may not all end up being Mr. Right, but that doesn't mean you have to settle because you think nothing else better is possible. If you find yourself constantly longing for something else, maybe its time to make a decision. Link to comment
healthseeker Posted September 6, 2008 Share Posted September 6, 2008 Never let a man forbid you from doing anything. Link to comment
redhearts Posted September 12, 2008 Share Posted September 12, 2008 You need to resolve this before you get married. I think maybe seeing a sex therapist alone and go from there. Link to comment
telecaster1981 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Well, if intimacy is something that's important to EITHER of you, then I'd get out now 'cause it ain't going to get any better! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 I would focus in on the problem - meaning, it sounds like the spark needs reviving. The good news is you do have some control over that, although I agree that he should be willing to meet you halfway and put in the effort to get the za za zoom back where it was (and it was passionate in the past, right? that is a great sign). I want to share this story because reading your post reminded me of it. My best friend from HS met her husband when they were 16 and 17. They got engaged when she was 19, with a wedding planned for 2 years later. Meanwhile, she reconnected with the son of a family friend - as friends - he had some qualities she thought her bf didn't but I think mostly it was that it was exciting to think about the "what ifs". She ended up kissing him, and this was a few months prior to the engagement. She told her bf - she felt she had to - he was upset but said, basically that she had to make a choice ASAP what she wanted. she felt sick about it - she did like the "thrill" but, like you, didn't want to lose her bf. She chose her bf. They've been very happily married for 21 years (!!). Well, I know that's another couple but perhaps you see the parallels and I just wanted to let you know that it can work. Beautifully. good luck! Link to comment
girl68 Posted September 23, 2008 Share Posted September 23, 2008 Whomever said it is not going to get any better is right. Especially since he 1) sees there is no problem, 2) he's not willing to work on what YOU think is a problem. This guy ^ who gives his story shares the good story I'll give you the dark side story. Friend got married young, at 20 always had her doubts about marrying him, knew there were problems, married him hoping they'd go away. She married him, found someone with whom there is spark, and romance, cheated oh her husband, can't divorce him because of family and religious obligations and is still with the other man, cheating. Beautiful. This is NOT normal! This is marriage ruining thoughts... See a counsellor by yourself at least talk to someone, she may help you suggest ways to get your bf to see there is a problem. If you don't figure this out before you marry him, you think these thoughts are just going to vanish? I don't think so! Sorry. Link to comment
Darkness_Falls Posted September 24, 2008 Share Posted September 24, 2008 I gotta agree with girl68, because I too have seen a situation just like that. Link to comment
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