I'm suffering from slight insomnia.

[lemon_lyman]

I'd like to blame it on still being on east coast time, but after three weeks I think that excuse has gone out the window. I honestly think I'm taking the divorce very well; I'm sure it's not the actual divorce that's bothering me... though I'd like to find a good time to bring up the subject of paperwork, and I know that is a contradiction in terms.

 

I spent the last three years feeling disconnected. I had no family or friends out east, only the people that I met through Aaron and Nancy. I have my immediate family here, but my sister has only been here in the summers and so she doesn't really know anyone, and my parents aren't exactly social butterflies. They know the people in our cul-de-sac but that's really it. And all of them are over 40. I have no friends who live near by, and I'm starting to feel like I'm sinking into a never ending black hole of nothingness. I'm never going to meet anyone with whom I really connect... In school I only really ever met anyone through someone else or through some school activity or class; forced meetings that actively grew one's social group. Now I have no such structure and I am forced to make it on my own. I'm quite the home body for my age; I prefer staying at home with a good movie on a Friday night over hitting a club, ESPECIALLY when I'd be at that club by myself. It's even harder here in California where the stigma of glamor overthrows all slight traces of self-esteem that I may have had initially.

 

For some reason I signed up on link removed yesterday. I know that I am in no way interested in dating or even LOOKING to date. The only excuses I have are:

A) I wanted to feel connected SOMEHOW to people my own age within a decent radius of where I currently live;

B) I wanted to re-learn the dating scenario- to remember what it is that dating looks and feels like and maybe re-evaluate what it is that I am looking for or WILL be looking for when I am actually ready to go down that road again;

C) to convince myself that there are still people in the world who MIGHT find me interesting enough to at least talk to, if not ask out for a casual date.

 

I have this terrible vision of me listing lazily through the next seven years of my life on auto-pilot with no real enjoyment or feelings of any kind, alone with no social future. Right now I am SO afraid of going through life alone.