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Is there more to it than just FWB?


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Hi all,


This is going to be long, but I badly need advice on this. This is a continuation to this post:




Now, I don't know what's going on...


The night he said he wasn't in the movies mood, I wasn't in the mood to see him either. Then he texted me that we should do a foursome with me bringing another girl and him bringing another guy. It just totally contradicted everything he said. And so, I just told him that I was tired that night from a strenuous activity the earlier in the day, and that I didn't want to see him. Which was true. The night before, we had sex on the beach, he spent the night and cuddled with me. He asked me if he could just stay at my house and wait for me til I come home, and I said, no, you have to leave.


Anyway, so that night, he texted me three times telling me to wake up. I just pretty much ignored him because I was so tired. And then he called me twice at 5AM and then finally at 5:30 when he called, he told me he wanted to come over. I told him that I was sleeping already, Then he asked me what time I got home, and all that, and I said, "Why are you asking?" and then he asked me, "Are you sleeping with another guy? Because if you are, I'll leave you be." And then, I said, no, I'm not sleeping with a guy, I'm tired, and I didn't want to do because I need sleep."Then he asked me if he could see me the next day, I said no. And then he said, "Ok bye."


Then he sent me a facebook message apologizing for calling me early in the morning (We're not even friends on facebook!), and that he was drunk. He then told me to call or text him when I got the message. Which I did, and I asked him what all those drunken phone calls, texts and facebook were all about. He said he was drunk and that he just needed someone to talk to and that he felt sh**ty when I told him that I didn't want to see him. I told him that we should meet up, which we did.


That night, he kept asking me what happened the night before. I just told him that I was tired. And then he said that he felt sh**ty and he felt what I felt when he blew me off the other times. So then we had this looooong talk about what the heck this is, and why are emotions getting in the way. I told him that he keeps telling me one thing, and then telling me another, and that if he was just all about sex, to just let me know, and I'd be fine by it. He then said, "Yeah, I just want sex from you." and I felt crappy after he said that, so I said, "Ok, well, why don't you just leave now...please, let's make this the last, and don't call me again." I felt like we were arguing like gf-bf, and I was getting annoyed. He then switched back again saying that he wants both sex and emotions involved, and he wants to see each other, but doesn't want a serious relationship. I told him that I don't even think I would want to go out with him. He kept telling me that I should go out with him, and I said, I don't know if I should, and then he said that he doesn't know how he feels for me because he doesn't know me and he thereforee doesn't trust me. He would say something like that, and then turn completely around by saying, "You're not falling for me, are you?" I told him that I was physcially attracted to him, and then he said, "What's so attractive about me? I have big ears and big nose and I'm only attractive because of my personality..." Which I was shocked to hear because I do think he's attractive. And then he said, "How about this. How about we go for a drive, get to know me, and see for yourself what I'm all about. And then you can decide for yourself. If you don't want to, I'll leave you here and never call you again."


Of course I chose to give it a shot. After all, I am falling for this guy. We went to the park. He drove. He parked his car. We were talking for two hours - about his experiences in the Bosnian war (He's Bosnian, btw). He shared something deep about himself. And he was like, "Well, what about you? Tell me something about yourself, I'm the one here talking..." And i said that my life isn't as interesting compared to his. And then he asked about my ex-boyfriends and all that stuff.


Then we concluded with, so where do we go from here. He kept telling me to look at him in the eye. Then he told me to kiss him. He's asking me what do I want. I told him that I already said that I have feelings, and that he's confusing me because he keeps saying one thing and then switch it up, and say another thing that contradicts the other. He said, "I know I send you mixed signals." I told him that I'm a pretty straight up person and that if he just wanted sex to just let me know, and just be straight up with it, and it would be fine with me. He still didn't say it. I told him that he has a pleasing personality and that he seems like the type who tells people what they want to hear and not necessarily the truth, and he didn't say anything still.


So we came down to the agreement that we're "Seeing each other" with sex involved. But he said he wants to take it slow. He doesn't want anything serious because he doesn't want to get hurt again. And then I asked if we're allowed to see other people. and then he hesitated. and then he asked me, "How would you feel if I told you I'm sleeping with another girl?" I told him I'd feel crappy. And then he said that he hates it when he asks me if I'm sleeping with another guy, and all I would say is, "What if I was?" And then he asked me if I did sleep with anyone since we started doing our thing, and I said no. He then asked if I've gone out on a date, and I said yes. He said he's done neither.


Then he kept asking about boundaries. He said that he doesn't want to be talking on the phone everyday (which is something I already said the first time). I told him that would annoy me. Then he asked me if we're allowed to bring each other around our friends, and I said, yes. He asked me if he's allowed to ask how my day was, and I said, yes. Then he asked me too if he could call or text me in the middle of the day jsut to ask for advice, and then I said yes.


I don't know what is up with him....I don't know if he's just saying things to keep me around. He was even saying that I should meet his parents and all that. I don't know what to do...

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this guy is making it way too complicated and anal. Personally, I would be annyoed. It sounds like he just can't make up his mind, he wants sex on one hand but not be commited, and yet want to possess you...argh!!!


until he makes up his mind, what about you leavning him alone?

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Thanks everyone.


I mean, the thing is, if he just wants booty, then that's fine, I told him to just let me know because the only reason why I'm starting to fall for him is because he's acting all weird and acting attached.


Caterina, what do you mean he's projecting his own confusion on me? And why do you think he'd feel confused?


I don't plan on contacting him at all this coming weekend. I'd like to see what he's going to do. And I'm preparing myself for that...what should I do? I definitely don't want to have another talk - otherwise, I might as well boyfriended him!

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Look, why don't you just drop all the FWB nonsense... this is getting as complicated as negotiating a treaty with a foreign country, and dating should be fun.


FWB is almost always a recipe for disaster and you get this kind of drama and misunderstandings.


So I'd just tell him you want to date him like normal, where you go out on dates, don't date anyone else during the time you are dating, and see how it goes. In a month check status and see if you're happy, then again at 2 months etc. You don't have to declare yourself boyfriend/girlfriend for a while, but you do need to stop all this game playing and drama or your relationship will never get off the ground.

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Because, he is starting to have feelings, but he's unwilling to acknowledge them. I think for your own sake, its not a good idea to allow any of your own personal feelings to develop for him until he's willing to say for sure, "Yes, I want you to be with me in a relationship."


He's confused, but I don't think he's going to give you what you want.

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"Seeing each other, with sex involved, taking it slow, I don't want to get hurt," are all excuses he's using to keep you as his booty call.


You've already sold yourself short by giving him sex before he even bought you a cup of coffee, (as an example).


I think you would have had a better chance with him if you made him treat you as a human, by dating you, and getting to know you.

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The whole post just makes me think that he is REALLY immature. Just things he says - the big ears thing.. all of it.


It all comes from him being immature . I mean he is younger than you, but msybe he is young for his age as well.


The whole story makes me feel dizzy reading it - and thats because he is making this waaay more complicated than it needs to be.


What you need to do:


FORGET what he wants for a minute, because what you want seems to bounce off whatever HE wants.


Ask yourself WHAT DO I WANT?


And go from there. What standarsd will you accaept? What will make YOU happy?

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Runaway immediately!!! He is keeping you in the picture until he finds someone he wants a relationship with.


Of course he has feelings for you - otherwise you wouldn't be sleeping together!! But this is NOT a healthy productive relationship. If you are starting to 'have feelings' then get out before your heart is broken.


If an exclusive and committed relationship is what you may want eventually, you need to break up with him for good. That way if he actually wants the same with you, he will come back on those terms. If he doesn't, then you've just saved yourself an awful lot of time and hearbreak from a relationship that would never ever work out.


It's hard to do now... but imagine how hard it would be later on if you keep at it.

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