such a mess :(

[sademma]

hi, im new to this site but i could really use some help.

ill try and fit what i ca into a fw lines but theres a lot there. basically my husband left me 2 weeks ago. im an absolute mess. we have been together for 12 years, married for 6 and have a 10 year old and 2 year old together. about 2 months ago he just started getting distant, then on the day he walked out we had actually booked a holiday, we are meant ot be on that holiday now. everything seemd fine. that evening i sent him a text before he left work just tellig him i loved him, he didnt reply but notmally does. thought it was odd so asked him when he came in why he didnt. he said it ddint feel right. then it came. he had been thinking about leaving on the way home. i know things hadnt been "right" for a couple of months, hes depressed over the death of his father 5 yers ago ( he never got counselling and NEEDED it) and he hates his job. but he upped and left that night, no amount of pleading or begging was stopping him. i KNOW ther eis noone else, and yes i have been told not to be so trusting but it was partly my lack of trust that drove him away. he never cheated on me but i always looked thru his emails and his phone and questiond him about silly things. things i read far too much into.

 

he came and got some more stuff the following day and is now staying with his sister. he says he still loves me and we have had a turbulent couple of weeks, we have spoken everyday and he says he stll loves me. he says he still misses me. but when i asked him why he left he said he cant cause the kids anymore heartache, he thinks our daughter was damaged by arguments. we DID argue and yes, she saw more than she should have done but i dont know what happened to him. he said he is trying to save sammy from a lot of heartache but hes done more damage by walking out than staying.

i did a stupid thing th eother day, he came here from work as we were all going to have a pizza together, he had ot go and pick our daughter up. while he was out i found his phone in his car and looked thru it. found some texts that were probably innocent but it was his best mates wife who i know has been a support to him, i phoned her husband and told him about the texts. it was only the ending i didnt like. it said "LOADS xxxx" obviosuly her hsband had a go at me and then told my husband what i had done. he was understandably VERY angry and ended up saying he fell out of love with me when he knew what i had done. i know it was stupid and i was very wrong to look but i had to know the answers. his reasons for leaving me were simply "im not happy, i dont know if anything can make me happy" "i just dont feel right in this marriage anymore, i cant be myself".

 

i have asked him outright if he will ever come back to me and all he said was "i know at this moment in time i have made 100% the right decision".

then yesterday we had a convo by text which ended with him saying "im sorry, i cant be more than your friend". then after i replied with "not ever? im happy knowing that you havent ruled us out altogether". to which he replied "i cant say what will happen in the future, but i cant let you wait around for something that might never happen. i didnt just stop loving you. the way i feel about everything has changed lately and regardless of whether or not i still love you its not fair to stay in a relationship that just doesnt feel right. i know its me thats changed and if i could wave a magic wand and make everythign right i would x"

today i have realised that seeing him everyday wasnt doing me any good so i have told him i was busy all day so he didnt see the kids today. but we still conversed by text but i didint tell him i missed him or beg him back becuase his mum and everyone else told me to show how strong i can be. to prove i can do this and it may jolt him into thinking about things. i think hes very confused but today has been so hard. he even sent me atext saying whats going on, you are being very odd with me?. i really need some help. i dont know what to do. thank you for reading this far. xx:sad:

[SapphireNoir10]

Im so sorry. You can't go no contact because you have children with him, but I would say dont call or text or see them unless its child related. And just consider the realtionship over until he says otherwise. Otherwise you wont be able to better yourself and move on.

 

It doesnt sound like hes coming back hun. It sounds like he doesnt know how he feels ABOUT you but he doesnt want to be WITH you. And he knows that much.

[ginger007]

wow..sorry about your situation.

 

I can empathize on the holiday part, one of my exes broke up with me before a trip to Europe we had planned for months and I ended up going by myself

 

Anyway, I think regardless of the outcome or his decision you need to think and decide what type of limits you want in a relationship. I mean this regarding the "LOADS xxxx" part and jealousy in general, I think about this a lot, in my parents case for example, friendships with the other gender were not tolerated at all (my observation), but to me that is not realistic nor fair, and like I said I have thought many times about how I would want my partner in marriage to relate (or not relate) to other women and it is very blurry, I never reach a conclusion....I guess you learn as you go....what bothers you, bothers you and I think it would be very hard to change, also you said she was supporting him..I wouldn't like that either....I would just give him the space he obviously needs now...

[yankeefan74]

With marriages, you never know what space and time will do..at least that's what i've seen with friends and family. I know some people, as much as they love someone, get overwhelmed with family, and kids, and "forever"...in other words, thinking, "this is what my life is forever now..." AS wonderful as that can be, it can also scare people and it can come out of nowhere.

 

Even though they knew that going in, i've talked to plenty of people who admit that it can be overwhelming, and little things can set them off.

 

So again, you just never know what a little time apart can do. I think you've done some good things already emma...you haven't overwhelmed him with contact...and he's already said that you're acting "odd" with him...because i'm sure he's expecting a constant barrage of calls and texts.

 

there are plenty of people here who will support you and give you far better advice than i could give. But stay strong. This doesn't mean you're not allowed to feel sad and cry, and be hurt...it just means that hopefully you can think positively, try and be upbeat when you speak to your husband...and it should lead to some good communication between you two at the very least. I do think it's going to take some time, though...he has to miss what he has at home with you and the kids.

[keenan]

Having been through a similarly-surprising divorce after a decade of marriage, I'll offer that I really regret all those "anything to salvage it" kinds of conversations that go on during this phase. You know, the ones where you beg and plead and cry and ask about the future ("maybe someday??") and basically can't get a hold of your weak, sad self? It's hard to wrest control back from that deadly mixture of shock and fear and disbelief, but you've gotta do your best to be strong right now. Ultimately it just inspires pity and self-loathing. You don't want him to pity you.

 

If I could go back and be where you are right now, I would step WAY back and basically go on radio silence, or some version of that. (I don't have kids, so you have to maintain more contact, I guess.) He's gotta figure out where his head is, and if you're in his space or trying to track him down and demand answers, you're going to do more damage than has already been done. You can be clear about your love for him and commitment to the marriage, but at this point the only power you have is over your own actions. Be calm and collected, wait for him to contact you, and try to

really and truly think about how your lack of trust in him has contributed to this.

 

 

Don't be so sure that there is no one else. There's no point in badgering him about this (he won't tell you the truth anyway), but this kind of emotional about-face is so often associated with another person waiting in the wings that I wouldn't dismiss it out of hand just because you think you know him so well. Everyone feels that way. Just consider that you may be, at this point, competing with somebody who is showing him the best version of herself. The worst version of you can't compete with the best version of her, whoever she is, so act accordingly. Be your best self.

[sademma]

thank you for your replies everyone, i AM listening to what everyone says. im feeling pretty * * * * e right now but im not crying. so i think now would be a good time for me to get some sleep. i have to drop the kids at his tomorrow so i think will stick to the not seeing him pledge i made myself and just let my daughter out the car and get her to wave when he has let her in. just need to figure out how to get them back without seeing him i guess.....maybe i could text hi and ask him to send them out. just explain nicely that i feel a little awkward seeing him. i dont know.... any ideas???

[amber77]

I'm sorry you're dealing with that. I understand how hard it is to deal with the fear and confusion of a sudden change in a relationship. I have dealt with the begging and pleading for a man not to "give up" on me and I swore to myself that I will never do it again. Keep your dignity. Give him space and time to work out whatever situations that are causing this all. Some of the things you are dealing with I am dealing with myself with my current relationship and I'm having to learn day to day how to deal with my emotions (as well as his) in a more healthy, respectful way. Don't ever let a man treat you any less than you deserve. We all give in and give repeated chances, but if you aren't being treated how you deserve then just leave the entire situation. A woman can't change a man..my mother has told me that time and again. You can only hope they choose to change on their own or decide for yourself if he and how he is is something you can live with...

[sademma]

i really do know it counds like there is someone else but the emotional state he is in i REALLY know there isnt. i know people who would tell me if there was. i truly know there is noone else. i know it sounds like there is/was though i can understand that.

[yankeefan74]

thank you for your replies everyone, i AM listening to what everyone says. im feeling pretty * * * * e right now but im not crying. so i think now would be a good time for me to get some sleep. i have to drop the kids at his tomorrow so i think will stick to the not seeing him pledge i made myself and just let my daughter out the car and get her to wave when he has let her in. just need to figure out how to get them back without seeing him i guess.....maybe i could text hi and ask him to send them out. just explain nicely that i feel a little awkward seeing him. i dont know.... any ideas???

 

There's no reason why you two have to talk about what is going on...he can bring the kids out and that would be that. Even if you both just wave at each other. Sooner or later, he's going to want to talk about your marriage - especially if you never bring it up. And i don't think it hurts to have him see you, but see that you're not begging him to come back. I think it would be a wonderful sign of strength. He may even be attracted to that part of your personality he may not have seen in a while.

[sademma]

thank you. im going to try and sleep now becuas eim going to end up going over and over this in my head again and again. ill end up crying and looking pants tomorrow with the big puffy eyes. he needs to see that i can be strong and that im not falling apart without him.

thank you. ill let you guys know what happens if you are interested. i felt very alone for the past couple of weeks but i dont feel so alone anymore. xxx

[journogirl]

hi how are you feeling today? xx

[sademma]

ok, after a rough couple of days from my point of view, i am still looking for amy own place. i desperately need to get out now. he needs to move back in here and get it sold and get his own place. i cant stay here. im so hurt as one monute he is being really nice to me then the next hes being really off with me. i saw him last night when he came to get the kids to take them out and i was all happy and smiley, then he dropped them home again and came in for 15 mins, it was so hard for me not to scream at him, why are you doing this to me??? how can you say you love someone then tear their world apart so utterly????

anyway he left and we exchanged a couple of texts in the eve when we were in bed, i just told him he could stuck around and put sammy in bed, said it was weird him being there and me being here, he just said "yes it is weird" then " see you tomorrow, night night x" then today he comes to get the kids and is a bit funny with me, i guess i was a bit sad so i think it annoys him. i dont mean to be, i also said i thik its an idea if his siter dropped the kids off and collected them from now on. he said he didnt feel it was fair on her to do that but i just dont think i cna see him. he went to get some more clothes from upstairs and i followed him, i told him thati was going to try and get away for a while, a couple/few weeks and he got angry saying everythign i say he thinks im trying to screw him over. from 25th sept he is homeless as his sister is moving away and he said he has to think of himself in this. i tried to talk to him but he just kept saying i wasnt listening. i asked him if he had got anythign sorted in his head and he said "i dont think there is anythign to sort". i just dont undertand how this man could love me for 12 years then suddenly be so nasty to me???

i hurt so so much from this, im now having problems finding my own place and thats adding so much more stress on top of everything else. i really mean it when i say i dont know how much more i can take. i feel so tried, sad,lonely and everythign else. my heart literally aches from all of this and i wish it would just stop beating to be honest. to take all the pain away. i dont know what to do. everyone says ill get through this, i have the kids, but i cant see an end at the moment. i really dont know how much more i can cope with anymore.

[healthseeker]

can I ask why he is not looking for another place? why are you the one leaving and uprooting the kids? he is the one that walked out!

[kuhl282000]

I just broke up with the love of my life ....I moved out and it almost killed me.

 

We have not spoken now for 2 months and I know she has moved on but I'm still thinking about her everyday. I'm stuck and sad so i know where you are right now.

 

It's oh so very hard when the heart is broken like this ...people who have never gone through it will never really understand the pain we go through.

 

I moved out to save her, even if she did not know it at the time .....we had issues i can't discuss here ......but they were workable I always felt ....but the lines of communication broke done .....stress and frustration set in .......answers we wanted and very much needed were never able to be addressed ......and then one very sad day .......something inside of me ......told me I just had to do it .......

 

Now in many ways i regret it, and I doubt I'll ever get her back again .....she is a proud and very stubbord woman who is very special and very dear to me ....

 

Oh the tangled webs we weave for ourselves .......how sad we have become

 

God bless us both ...I'll add you to my prayers this evening for sure

[healthseeker]

Kuhl...I have read many of your posts. I am so confused because it seems so recent. Are you sure you could not try and reconcile?

[sademma]

thanks for your replies. KUHL, i guess you are kind of at the place where he is now. except i really dont think he will ever want me back. I saw him earlier and we got into a bit of a row which upset me as he always seems to be picking at things i say. he said im trying to screw him over, but im not, i dont legally have to move out but i am becuase it makes things easier for BOTH of us, but he wont understand that. i asked him if he had got things sorted in his head a bit and all he did was look at me and say "i dont think there is anythign to get sorted" that cut like a knife. i DO now wonder if there is someone else, but he and family are shielding me from it. i dont know. i think his mum wouldnt have said "no, no way- there is NO way he is after someone else, i just dont thik he could cope with it right now". i just dont think she would be so certain. i dont know.

i know we could never go back to what we were before and what we had has now gone. but i just want to scream at him and say things will be better if we tried again, we could sort out our problems while living separate and go from there. strip the relationship back to basics, and date again and build it from there but he isnt interested. he knows what he wants and it hurts so much because its not me. no contact isnt an option because we have 2 kids together.

i have this tiny little glimmer of hope somewhere inside that i think i need to keep becuase its all that keeping me going, at the same time i know i have to look at moving on, and i am. but i feel i still need that tiny bit of hope because he gave it to me.

the reason i am moving out is becuase the house was going to be sold anyway, its in his name and i trust him enough not to screw me over with the mony thats left from it. i know he wont do that to the kids, he knows i would go legal if i had to. i dont want to do that.

but i cannot believe this man has just walked out my life so suddenly. he has absolutley torn me apart and i dont think there is anyway back from this.

quite simply i am so broken hearted i dont know if i will ever be fixed, i have trust issues anyway and now all i ca think is that he has someone else, and that kills me all over again. He hs taken the kids swimming this afternoon with his sister and BIL and their kids, i took a drive to church but it was closed...all i could think about was that they are all out and they leave their back door open, could i jus sneak in and look in his "bedroom" and see if i ca see anythign that might tell me if there is someone else, i know its insane but this thought wont go. I know if i could get away with it i would. but i might get caught and thats not an option. i feel so stupid and desperate. im so unhappy.

[kuhl282000]

I feel all of your pain .......I have it myself

 

It will make you go insane if we let it ..........I've been bad and drinking a lot ....something I don't normally do .....in a way I think I'm trying to kill myself .......never even thought about that stuff in the past........now I am all of a sudden after the break up .......so sad .........

 

It's really so simple if they would only let it be the right way .......full of lots of love

 

They make it all some freegin complicated ........love is simple

 

You love me I love and respect you back .....simple...so simple

 

And in the end some destroy us .....

 

You're in my prayers .....

[sademma]

so the past couple of days have been REALLY hard. until this afternoon. i have been REALLY depressed over the past couple of days but this morning i didnt get the "train wreck" stomach that i have had every other day.

just want some opinions really on the last 2 days....

 

ok so yesterday he picked up the kds and took thm swimming, all was ok, i was happy and nice to him and genuinely pleased to see him when he arrived, so then he went off swimming. then he brought the kids home, he had asked me if i minded him just doing some bits on the computer so i said no, as i was nipping round to my mums as she had cooked some dinner for the kids an i (although i havent really eaten for 2 weeks ). before i left he came into the garden and told me he doesnt regret the last 12 years and he doesnt regret marrying me, he said our wedding day was still one of the best in his life. i asked if he missed cuddles on the sofa and the like, and he said of course. Told me something was bugging him, did i really think him and some girl were having an affair, and although i know now he wasnt i told him a list of reasons that made me think so at te time. he seemed to understand this. also told him that i have never cheated on him in the whole time we were together. and i believe him that he never cheated on me.

 

i left him here which i was more than happy to do, but i had also given him a letter to read, i had asked him to read it alone. i said he could read the letter when i had gone.

 

The content of the letter is far too much to put in here as it was 6 pages long, but i just told him that although he may not have felt respected i always respected him and was always proud of him. he made me laugh, i knew what my fauts were and i am getting them fixed, but for ME, no-one else. i also (ashamedly) pinched a line from someone on here which said "i have done all i can, if you want me in your life you will put me there" (so thank you to whoever had that line!!)

i told him that he was fantastic father and that i had in fact thought of him all the way through this, despite the fact that he thought i didnt think i was. i said i felt he had not yet addressed the grief from losing his father some time ago and that he has to find a way to relieve that grief as its not going to go away.

 

i told him that i think its better that his sister pick the kids up and drop them home as it tears me apart to see him.

 

i told him i was sitting here thinking of the good times like our wedding day, or when i was pregnant, or when we brought our baby home for the first time. i asked him to never forget those times.

 

i told him i wasnt goingto wait for him, he asked me not to, so i wont, well not forever anyway.

anyway i signed off with "i wont bore you with all the i'll always be here stuff becuase you know it now, but i will just say that i love you with all my heart"

 

so he read the letter while i was out. My mother was drving me MAD! and my son was really tired so i had to text and ask if he was still here as i needed to bring him home and put him to bed, i offered that he could do it if he wanted as hes only done that twice since he left. he accpeted the offer and showered him, i nipped to the shop while he was with the baby and when i came back he was just sitting on the floor with sammy (my son) wrapped in a towel on the sofa. anyway, we sat there for about 15 minutes just watching telly and i suddenly looked at his hands, and though oh my god, those hands are never going to hold my hand again, or wipe away my tears anymore and it suddenly became too much to handle. if i had stayed i would have screamed at him "please come home" i sort of jumped up, asked him to get sam ready for bed, as he asked where i was going, i was looking for my cigarettes (i know, bad habit... never in the house or in front of the kids though!) he must have guessed it was hard because i went for a cig, came back in and sam was in bed and he was getting ready to go....

 

Im sorry this is soooo long!!

 

he gave me a huge hug and said he better go, i just said, ok. thats fine. then he said i kind of get the feeling you are waiting for a response to your letter, i had already told him i didnt want a repsonse. i just told him no i wasnt.

i walked him out to his car and said, was there a response then? although i dont know if i want to know!!? he just said "it made me sad" i said im sorry i didnt want that then he said "not sad in abad way"..... what the hell does that mean!!??? then he left.

 

we had arranged to meet in town with the kids today but isent him a text last night to see if he was awake as was going to tell him im not going to go, it was too painful. anyway told him this morn as he texted me back but i was asleep.

 

ok...today.....

 

 

so he comes and gets the kids today and again, hangs around for a few minutes before leaving, its like he doesnt want to go. we have done this a few times, just stood in silence. so eventually i broke the silence and said, right come on then off you go!

 

so they went. when he came back he again, stayed for a bit and we just talked, he left the kids in the garden and just sat down like old times. it was really odd. he said he would like to take the kids to thorpe park, would i like to go..... i just looked at him and said, no i cant. he said, ok, i asked him how he can really expect me to play at being a family when we are not. i was nice about it. he said he understands, then i said if there is any chance that we could ever look at being a proper family again then by all means ask me but unless thats the case then dont ask me, becuase the answer will always be no, its just too painful. he just said ok.

 

i told him that im really looking forward to getting my own place now, my own space, noone to blame for the mess!! he didint say anythign just sat there.

 

he obviosuly wasnt in a hurry to go anywhere and i didnt want him to think he can get too comfy as its not fair on me to see him all the time and pretend like nothing has happened. so i just stood up and said, right then, i have some phone calls to make. and he got the messgae to leave, but on the way out i even managed to make a little joke, his fav dinner was cottage pie, so i said well, no more cottage pie fo you then! then he replied with well, i have 4 nightshifts coming up i need some dinners, my reply was ill tell you what, ill cook you a cottage pie if you come home. obviosuly this was all said in jest and we both laughed it off.

 

then we talked out the front, he said he was going to say something but had forgotten what it was, so i jokingly said, youre coming home, thats what you were going to say!! again we both had a laugh. nothing awkward. i said, well you could say you miss me if you do, he just said, of course i miss you. we talked some small talk out te front then he went to leave, i asked if he was goingto give me a hug, so he gave me another huge hug and left.

 

when he hugs me he never seems to want to let go, its always me who seems to break away from it. which seems so odd as he was the one who left...... what sense can i make from this???? i am still moving forward with my plans to get my own place but in a very odd way i feel ihave pulled a bit of power back. am i wrong to feel likethis?? or really, is this just an up moment with a bigger downer to follow???? any advice greatly received and sorry its SOOOOOOOOOOO long!!!

thank you!

 

xxx

[keenan]

Hi Emma,

 

I have no advice. I just have empathy. I've been where you are, and reading your posts brings back so many painful memories. I'm really sorry that you're having to endure this and just wanted to give you a virtual hug from accross the miles.

 

This line really resonated with me:

 

i just dont undertand how this man could love me for 12 years then suddenly be so nasty to me???

 

For me, this was the hardest part. I still can't fully comprehend how a person who is 100% in love for so many years can flip a switch and seemingly become someone else. What makes it all the more maddening is that you can SEE that he's sad and that this is difficult for him, but he just keeps on moving forward with his plans to leave as though he's on an automated track and can't find the 'off' button.

 

I'm sorry. Like I said...no real advice. Hang in as best you can and know that others have been where you are and have survived to face much much brighter and happier days. ((Hugs))

[sademma]

thanks for the words, to be honest ther eis nothing anyone can say or do right now that could possibly make me feel better. i guess my "downer" has arrived im talking to him on msn at the moment. and im also telling him that i cant talk tohim anymore becuase for me it feels "right" but for him it doesnt. whihc is why i cant do it anymore.

 

im still so sad.

[sademma]

Yesterday i felt i had pulled a bit of power back, that was until i spoke to him on msn..... i know it was a mistake. i told him i had to go becuase this was too hard. he just accepted that, i wanted him to say, look, im thinking about coming home or something like that....anything ......

 

he never did.

 

 

i was talking to a joint friend last night about all thats happened, and although she is closer to him, i trust her completely. i gave her the link to this page and said "it sounds like hes set in his ways doesnt it" and then "someones given you some good advice on that page" and then logged off!!!! no goodbye.... nothing! she ALWAYS says goodbye!! so i left it half an hour....but she never came back....so i sent her a text saying, what did you mean..... then imagination went into overdrive....... started reading back through and looked at the "dont be so sure there is noone else" post..... oh my god...i started shaking and ended up sending her a text to say, please tell me what you meant, i had it in my head that she was trying to tell me something without tellin me, if you know what i mean....i should have known she wouldnt do that, shes too nice to do something like that...

 

 

anyway, spoke to my other frined who tried to calm me down and eventually i went to bed, even though it was drving me insane i knew i had to try and wait til today. but there was NO way i could have slept on it...

 

While i was in bed i texted my husband and said this:

 

me: i know its not your job anymore but im feeling very insecure tonight, had a dream about you with someone else and cant get it out of my head. made me really sad

 

him: whats not my job?

 

me: to reassure me- just have that horrible feeling in my stomach again

 

him: your dream is telling you porkies!

 

me: thank you. just needed to hear that xxx i wont ask you again. i wish you were here. just to talk.

 

him: you should sleep X

 

me: i know, reading for abit then will try, sorry didint mean to mak you feel uncomfortable by saying wish you were here. i did mean just to talk small talk though x

 

him: i know, you didnt make me uncomfortable, i have to be up at this time, you dont!

(*it was 1am and he was on nights*)

me: ok i can take a hint!going to read for a few mins then try and sleep, thank you for being there for me night night xxx

 

him: im not hinting anything but i do have to go downstairs ad do some work, so will be gone at least 20 minutes

 

me: its ok, i said night night anyway xxx

 

him: night night x

 

ok so thats the convo, now im worried after feeling stronger yesterday i have given him the tiny bit of power i had pulled back, back to him again!!! i feel so weak today....i just hurt all over, im so tired and exhausted. i still cant eat, cant sleep. i dont want to do anything. im forcing myself to do simple things like the washing, tidying up....i just feel so depressed.... it still hurts so so much and i still desperatley want him to come home. i know i need to listen to the advice and back off now and just start pulling away. but its so hard to do. this is by far the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. i would rather give birth with no pain relief than this. i dont know how much longer my heart is going to ache for. i really dont.