So frustrated & tired of the games

[confusedmama]

why can't I get it accross to the court that the ex plays them for fools and doesn't follow any court orders?? It doesn't seem to matter that I write it all down, I follow up on things, I have the proof and yet HE always seems to come out on top.

 

I am just now able to actually sit & think almost rationally about what happened in court in June. It didn't go well at all and I am now appealling the ruling. Mainly to get it out of J&D court and back into circuit court.

 

Unfortunately, until the appeal is heard in Oct. I have to go by the rulings handed down by J&D. BUT the ex apparently doesn't. And I am the one who has to check up and somehow "prove" that he doesn't follow the rulings: adult supervision of the boys/ medicines given as prescribed. ARRRGGGGHHHH

 

I feel as if I'm being pursued for a salem witch hunt.

[ImThatGirl]

What was the ruling if you don't mind my asking.

[confusedmama]

He now gets them every other week in the summer (I'm off-he works) but he has to give me the name & number of the ADULT supervising the boys. He also get them overnight on any evening I'm scheduled to work past 6pm. Even on the evenings I'm scheduled to work I'm done before 9:30 AND the boys can be with me.

 

This lowered his CS to under $300 a month for 3 children-just what he wanted.

[ImThatGirl]

Have you thought about what you'd think of him if he worked til 9:30 and wanted the kids on those evenings?

[confusedmama]

I work as an athletic trainer, my boys are at athletic events: football, basketball, and baseball games-things parents PAY to have their children attend, sports my children play. He has done such when he has CHOSEN to officiate football, laccrosse or soccer matches. I can be with my children in the stands or they can be with me on the sidelines. This has been my career and my children's life since they were born, even while I was married. It averages to be 1 night a week and we are actually home by 9:30-games are normally over by 9-9:15.

[ImThatGirl]

So am I understanding correctly that everytime you coach or train during an athletic event, your kids are playing the sport?

 

What did your attorney say about the ruling?

[confusedmama]

No, as an athletic trainer I am responsible for the medical aspect of the athletes involved. I work at a high school, my kids at this point are in elementary school-except the oldest, he begins HS this fall. I meant that all my boys are involved in these sports at the recreational level and thereforee have a comprehension of the sports and actually enjoy being at the games. They have access to all the HS facilities and can play on a daily basis.

 

My lawyer was the one who suggested I appeal.

[ImThatGirl]

I guess I'm just having a hard time relating. I am sorry that you are going through so much. I am concerned that the more this is pushed, the less time you will end up having with them.

 

My daughters someday to be stepmom lost custody of one of her son's. She eventually got visitation with him but wanted more. Tried to get custody of him. She was letting that desire control her whole life including her emotional rational. Was an emotional train wreck constantly. Calling everyone (including me,) boohoooing, screaming, somewhat irrational. Her son's dad just stopped letting her visit. They went to court and now the boy is going through psych appointments trying to figure out if he should visit her. She hasn't had a visitation with him since Sept or so of last year.

[confusedmama]

I probably wouldn't be as upset IF the ex would take care of the boys. While he is required to have "adult" supervision when he is at work-the babysitter just turn 17-my oldest son is 14 ummm probably not a good idea. He was supposed to let me know and meet this person BEFORE she watched the boys, I had to have my lawyer fax a letter to his lawyer reminding him of this before he would tell me who it was. THe oldest is on a prescription medication that proper dosage is not monitored at his dad's.

The court decided that he wasn't able to have them on regular overnights during the school year because it was detrimental to them-BUT he can have them overnight when I have games. Guess I'm more upset now because it is OK for him to get a babysitter for over 9 hours and it isn't OK for me to have one for 3 if I have a game. This childcare issue was one of the many he wanted changed-my almost fiance-with a grown son-wasn't suitable as a sitter on school nights if the boys didn't want to come to the games-but a 17 year old girl is.

 

He wants the control of my life and finances back in his pocket. The fact that the judge who heard our case was speaking to him after court sounds unprofessional to me.

[bacci]

Could you ask your lawyer if the case could be reassigned to a different judge?

I don't like the judge talking to your husband either.

 

And I am familiar with playing the time allocation game to get to reduce child support. Focus on this battle first as it seems to me this is the most crucial. The other things might be designed just to keep you off balance. do not react, and keep making notes, (and call your son to make sure he takes the meds properly), but make a note everytime there is a neglect. But you have to focus on getting him to pay more, less than 300 seems too low. Although i don't live in Virginia.

The teenager babysitter is probably not a very good idea, but I'm afraid you might have to let this one go for now. What are your concerns, her being immature? you can't control the ex and I suggest to let some things go, and focus on getting the money that your children deserve back. Because,unfortunately, what he does in his time is his right to do, the court will assume he is doing the best he can, as long as its not blatantly irresposible, the court might get upset if they think you're complaining about minor thngs.

Personaly, i know how hard it is, but Stop reacting in front of him, you'll be in a stronger position if he doesn't know what makes you tick, he'll throw crazy balls at you to see what makes you tick, to manipulate you. He'll go nuts if he can't make you react anymore, he'll freak for losing that sense of power over you. Try it!

You bite your tongue and choose your battles, and be matter of factly, review other cases, what kind of evidence is required? Then prepare and present it in a good light, maybe consult with another lawyer before appealing right now and ask for advice on how to make your evidence rock solid to appeal later. But do not give warning to the ex or he'll guard himself and most of all don't let him push your buttons, that will take him off balance!

[bacci]

I should add that I believe that it is in your kids best interest if he stays involved, he's not going to do it as well as you but the kids love their dad and if he invests in taking care of them (granted when the babysitter is gone) he will care more for them. that can only be good in the long run.

The thing that bothers me is the lowered payment, i know that if he's using all this to reduce support that must feel very unfair.

But you got a good deal being able to keep them most of the time. My ex who was a lawyer at the time, would consent to anything than joint physical custody, 50/50, my lawyer suspected to not have to pay much child support. My poor children go back nd forth, and he can go 5 days without making them take a shower, and las sunday forgot to give them dinner as he was playing computer games with them. My 8 year old was crying at 11 pm upset, that she could only have a snack at that point, ended up being fed cookies and milk, and had to wake up at 8am next morning to go to camp...

On the other hand, he loves them, and they love him ,they like having time tgether, and is trying to be a good Dad. Some times he does a very good job,of course they like it better at my place but I'm using that as a motivation for him to improve, his competitiveness and reinforce everthing i see or hear he's done that is great for them.

I say keep him involved, we love what we invest on, let him invest on his kids. And if at the end of the day they were fed, alive, and no major stuff happened, let it go.

[confusedmama]

Thanks bacci. I do want to keep him in their lives, for as immature & contolling as he is-THEY have to make that choice for themselves. He does love them, as much as he can love anyone and he is their father.

 

I really try not to be petty. I would LOVE to be able to let them be with him at the times they are scheduled & not have to check up on them. Unfortunately, the way the new agreement is written I am the one who gets stuck making certain the conditions are met, the conditions that make it OK for them to be there.

 

In VA you have to file for an appeal within 10 days of the ruling or you can't appeal it at all. So we are already set to go back to court in Oct. What I find amusing-in a sick way-he filed an appeal BEFORE I did. Appealing CS-he doesn't want his share of the braces cost tacked onto his CS.

 

With the babysitter, I guess I have an issue with the boundaries of a 14 yr old boy and a 17 yr old girl-and the self-image of my son with a "babysitter" he has to see in school. (he starts HS this year) And the court papers specifically state ADULT supervision. I fought him even having them as I am home in the summer-why should they be with a sitter when they can be at home with me?

 

I am just extremely tired of playing investigator. I'm not looking to make money off child support I simply want it to support the children. At the limit it is now, it won't pay 1/2 of anything childcare, clothing, school supplies: I'm not even asking for it to covering housing or such.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Maybe i am missing something, but in most states, a 14 year old is considered old enough to stay by themselves and even babysit younger siblings or other children on his own. Many states have 12 years old (or younger) as the age to stay alone, and 12 or 13 as the age at which the child can be considered suitable to watch younger children in the household.

 

So perhaps you can eliminate the babysitter provision and solve the teenaged girl problem.

 

Be very careful about asking to change judges as in many jurisdictions that will only happen if there is some kind of wrongdoing on the judge's part. In many family courts, the same judge will always get all hearings related to a particular divorce since they are considered already familiar with the children's circumstances. It might just annoy the judge if you are seen as trying to get around their authority because you don't like his decision.

 

Honestly, your custody situation is pretty typical and would not be considered a hardship, especially considering you have a 14 year old who can supervise the other kids. It is not what you want, but i doubt any court would consider the judge being unfair in his decision.

[TexasDad]

I get the feeling this is more about C.S. him wanting to pay less and being awarded this by the court, and her wanting more than she is currently getting and thinking the court has been favoring the Ex.

 

As the children get older the amount of C.S. usually drops significantly from the early years.

[confusedmama]

Actually, I also believe it is about CS with him. With me, I want my children SAFE. My 14 year old is not mature enough to handle watching his 2 younger brothers. He is OK by himself for up to 3-4 hours but not being "in charge" of others. When their dad had them for "vacation" the oldest watched the youngest while dad was at work and "forgot" to feed him. My child came to me at 5:30 at a ballgame (that his dad had simply dropped him off) and said he was hungry he hadn't had breakfast or lunch yet cause nobody told his brother he needed to feed him. I don't have a big problem with them being by themselves for a couple of hours but 8-9 hours daily doesn't work.

 

This has been supported by the oldest's therapist and the GAL.

 

When I appealed it automatically went to circuit court and left family court. So I will be in front of another judge. This I do believe is a good thing.

 

And yes I do think that CS needs to go up. When these rulings came in his CS for 3 children went to below $270 a month. I didn't ask to go back into court-HE brought it all back up. And honestly costs don't decrease as the kids get older-they go up. THe only thing that decreases is childcare but the food costs and the misc. supply costs for the boys make up for that decrease.

 

To me I am more worried about the fact my children aren't supervised and the prescription meds aren't taken like they are prescribed than I am about CS. WHile we have cut to the bones already, I will take another hit if only my kids are OK.

[TexasDad]

Here in Texas C.S. is 20% of your gross for one kid, multiple children it is 25%, it gets tricky if you have more than one family.

 

Colorado has or had a secret formula where they just take all your money. lol

 

Seems like from my experiences living in Virginia, I would think they would be heavily biased toward women, $270 a month for 3 kids seems low but IDK what kind of money ya'll make.

[confusedmama]

I'm a teacher, if that gives you an idea He has switched jobs bunches!! Had 4 in the past 5 years and has had 15 in the 17 years I've known him. So because I have been employed I make a little more money than he does-it has been very convienent that each of his jobs has resulted in a drop in pay.

 

In VA CS is based on salary and the # of days each has the children-some magical formula. BUT the judge can deviate if they see a need.

[bacci]

I know costs do go up as they grow older, and the braces are forbidingly expensive yet needed. Try to keep your cool when dealing with the Ex., who knows maybe eventually if ou keep dealing with him calmly he'll realize that the kids needs come first. Hang in there you're doing a super job being a great mom. Good luck with the appeal.

[confusedmama]

Thanks. I do try to keep my cool when dealing with him. Unfortunately, I don't think he will ever realize that the kids should come first. His needs/wants come first and always have.

The appeal is just one more way to keep tabs on everything I do/say. I really wish this would all stop and we could act like adults. I'm tired.