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Feeling used and abused...


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Hi there,


I just signed up out of sheer desperation... I need some opinions, some suggestions... Someone to tell me I'm not an evil {Mod edit!} !!!


So this is the deal. I was in a rather messed-up relationship with someone for about a year and a half. Messed-up in the sense that it just wasn't working out but we would always end up getting back together. The last straw was when we decided to move in together (beginning of May), hoping that that would sort out our problems.. I know!! What the hell was I thinking?! I am after all 45 years old, been through marriage and divorce, numerous relationships over the years... I don't know what came over me. So, we rented this lovely apartment, with two separate bedrooms, so that we both could have some private space. It was clear to me from the minute we moved in that I had made a HUGE mistake. On top of that, we signed the lease together and he is registered as residing there!

To cut it somewhat shorter, we split up and thought that it would be possible to just share the apartment... wrong again! There is such tension between us that I end up staying in my room most of the time.


I decorated the apartment, I painted the apartment, the place is furnished with ALL my stuff, I've made it my own... so I want him to move out. He can't afford to maintain the place by himself anyway. After lots of arguing and guilt-tripping me, he finally said that he'd move out, if I pay him back everything he invested in the place. Movers, two-month deposit on the flat, internet installation, taking over the router and the modem, insurance, etc. etc. etc.

I agree that there are certain things I owe him, but he's really trying to screw me over!!! I mean, he did have internet connection for the three months he lived there, so why shouldn't he pay half.

The thing that is really making me angry is that he is making me pay for his garage. He rented a garage for his motorcycle which obviously also has a lease. Getting out of the lease involves writing a registered letter three months prior or paying three months. In this case, he has to do the latter. He added that amount to the list of expenses. I don't agree. I feel like I'm being bullied. His argument is that if I hadn't "thrown him out", he wouldn't have that problem.

He is going to move in with a friend of his who lives in a mansion in the countryside, he won't be paying rent whereas I am staying in a fairly expensive apartment (granted, I want to stay there) which will require a rather radical lifestyle overhaul... but that's no big deal, I'm willing to do that.


I just hate feeling like I'm paying him to get rid of him and that he seems to think that it's only natural that I pay, seen as he's doing me a huge favour...


I feel so abused and at his mercy!!! As if I don't have a choice but to pay him a huge sum of money (that I don't even have!!! I borrowed money from my aunt!) and if I don't, he's threatening to stay for another three months... If I want my mental health, my piece of mind, peace and calm to return to my life, I have to buy it... It just doesn't seem right.

How can anyone be so vindictive? Doesn't he have any kind of sense of dignity? Balls? He seems like such a wimp and I want him out of my life... so I guess I'll just pay up...


Any reactions?

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Man oh man... what a mess. I feel for you...


I agree with you. You two should split the install costs... the security deposit is a different story which you should really be paying as your taking over the apartment. Although I'd subtract the garage lease. I also agree he is taking advantage of you. Try writing everything down, itemized, so that you two can look at it together and come to an agreement.


Hope everything comes out OK.

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Hey Badman,


Thanks for replying. See, here's the problem, I've already told him that I don't think it's fair that I pay for the garage and his response to that is that he'll just stay on at the apartment for the next three months. I can't possibly live with him around me for another three months. I'll end up killing him!!!

He is not willing to budge on the issue. He's convinced that I OWE him because I broke off the relationship...

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Have you considered talking to the landlord that you'll take on the apartment but he needs to go?


I'm not savvy in all this splitting of things... surely someone on ENA has been down this path before and can offer you sound advice!


You know it sounds as though he is just being vindictive as you pointed out, a regular pain in the ( , )

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The landlord is more than willing to sign over the lease in my name, but the problem is... this is Belgium... as long as the ex doesn't change his residency at that address, he can stay as long as his crummy little ass wants to...


Oh well, you win some, you lose some, I guess. As bad as it makes me feel, all I really want is to regain my sanity (and the 12 pounds I've lost as a result of this) and if that means I have to pay hard currency for it (over a long period of time, because I'll have to reimburse my aunt, of course), then so be it!

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I opened the front door carefully when I got home and realized, to my greatest relief, that the place was deserted. Oh joy, joy, happy, happy


I made myself a lovely mozzarella and tomato salad with half a hot baguette, did the dishes, cleaned the coffee stains off the floor - he came home rather drunk the other day and knocked over my Italian coffee maker and got coffee all over the place - I don't know if he just didn't see it or purposefully ignored to clean it up - the kitchen rug already has grease stains all over it - he rides a motorcycle - , now some coffee stains too - and that * * * * can't go in the laundry, it needs dry cleaning...

then watched Eastenders followed by Top Gear (no horrible French TV!), while I ate my salad. I then had a wee after dinner spliff (I used to be a regular smoker but have chilled out with age and now have the occasional spliff for desert) and came upstairs to sort out some paperwork, play some bills, have a cool shower (it's insufferably hot in Brussels today), when I'm interrupted by him coming home. As relaxed as I felt, I immediately become anxious! I stay upstairs for a little while longer, think about my proposition which I formulated after I read the email he sent me this evening before leaving, I presume. I decided that he is so sorry for himself that he is absolutely convinced that he deserves everything he is demanding, that I pay him, that I help him move, that I agree to let him keep his address at the apartment for his mail (until he find a new place or figures out where his life is heading, that I acknowledge that it's so much harder for him than it is for me, that I feel sorry for him, but he'll deny this of course. I just don't understand and I don't care and I must hate him to treat him so horribly... Totally on that kind of trip! Stubborn, convinced he's right and I'm wrong, and out to prove it no matter whether none of what he says actually makes very much sense...

So be it. That's the way he sees the situation, that's the way he chooses to live it, OK. I'll play along.

So, I decided - after several friends told me to just drop it, pay and be done with it, otherwise he'll keep trying to drag this thing out, forever and ever - that I would propose the following to him: I have managed to get together 2000 Euros (truth), that the situation is so unbearable that I won't even discuss the garage and other issues, any longer. I'm offering the 2000, I'll sort out the lease, deposit, insurance (everywhere his name has to be removed) beginning of next week and as soon as all that is straightened out, he moves (I also told him that he better have some more people lined up when he moves or I ain't doing * * * * ! Let it be clear!), he gives me the keys and he leaves.


He said he'd think about it overnight!!!


Right after I had verbalized my suggestion I, inevitably (these conversations are so predictable these days, it's almost surreal) had to be subjected to a tirade of self-pity... DID I REALIZE

* that he was going to have to take his stuff (let it be clear that he has a mattress, wooden slats for the mattress, a desk (that can be taken apart for easy transportation), a small cabinet and a few boxes of kitchen stuff) back to his parents on the other side of Belgium (that's about an hour and a half's drive). This of course will be horribly expensive too. Furthermore he'll have to ask a friend for his van and the guy's out of town. Well, when is the guy back? Not before the end of next week! Ok, well, that's clear, at least. You could move your stuff not this weekend, but the weekend after that, right? I guess so...

* that he would be living in ONE room at his friend's place... who lives in one of the swankiest neighborhoods, just outside of Brussels, in a huge house with indoor and outdoor pool, has three horses and an enormous estate. Do I realize how inconvenient it is to stay at your friend's place? But she's your friend and she has offered that you stay there - free of charge, might I add - for a while. She obviously doesn't mind you being there... in fact, I know she likes having you around. You don't really know if you'll be renting another apartment anytime soon... you don't know which direction you're going in professionally? Everything is hanging in the air... So why is it so hard for you to accept her hospitality and just be grateful. Its an opportunity to really try and figure out what's going on in your life. Well, that's easy for you to say!! You 're the one who gets to stay here, nice and comfy, in your home. You don't have to feel like a nomad. You have no idea what it's like. I didn't say the following because I wanted to avoid any kind of showdown, but I was thinking, this apartment IS MY home. I decorated it, it's crammed full of my stuff, I made it my home, it's infused with my soul... he just moved in and settled into it... He didn't create anything here. He sits there, in my couch, misshaping it because he always sits in EXACTLY the same spot. He feels like a parasite that has taken over and is gradually destroying everything through carelessness. I clean up after him because I can't stand living in a messy environment and despite the fact that I spend most of my time in my room when he's around, I know that he'll go soon and I have to keep the place up, so that I can still feel like it's mine when he leaves.

* there are more "that's", that he's so unlucky, that he was always good to me... that he's not trying to rip me off, that I have to understand all his points of view, his interpretations, his reasoning, that, that, that...


Instead, I decided to cut it short and spare myself several hours of this kind of pathos plus I can't stand it anymore. So, I just asked whether he'd think about my proposition...


Ten minutes later, he calls and wants to know if we'll ever be able to be friends... Maybe. You don't decide that kind of thing in advance. One thing I do know, though, is that if there's any chance whatsoever of something even remotely akin to friendship happening, this situation has to stop and we have to come to an clear-cut understanding.


OK, violent storm with lots of lightning... this computer is going to sleep...

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This morning when I got up, he had gone out to get some plastic sheeting to wrap his mattress in, in view of moving, I guess. When he got back I said hello. After some chit-chat I asked him if he could possibly have the kitchen rug cleaned before he left. It's filthy with oil stains from his boots and coffee he spilled all over it... All hell broke loose!!

How dare I even ask such a thing??? I said that I am only asking him to clean up his own mess, but if it's such a huge problem... forget it.

How dare I? Who the hell doo I think I am? Do I realize what a huge favor he's doing me by moving out? And I haven't even said thank you yet? I am the most selfish cow on the face of the planet. Even all his friends tell him that I've only ever taken advantage of him. How dare I? And... he's changed his mind, he's NOT moving!! Bedroom door slams shut...


I am falling to bits. I think he's only aim is to psychologically destroy me and as much as I tell myself that he's onlytrying to wind me up... I let it get to me. I feel weak and I feel like I'mm unable to defend myself. i've tried being nice, I've tried standing my ground... I don't know what to do...

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This is his way of getting back at you....they call it revenge.

I moved out and pretty much left my life behind. My girl was wonderful and was pretty much supporting us both at the time. If anything I owe her bigtime, but did not have the money at the time. I only hope I can re-pay her someday.


If he comes to his senses he may see things in a different light .....he may still want money ....if so, offer him half at best .........or tough out the 3 months and consider it an early Xmas present ......I miss mine and really could never ever put a price on her, she was priceless ....if they gave me a million dollars today or her back i would choose her back no second thoughts about it in 2 seconds .....


Just tell him ...your both not happy in the tense situation and that you want for the both of you to be happy and move on as two mature adults ....


No need to hurt each other let alone hold money people don't have over you .......


Good Luck ...sounds like you'll need some



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Wow, I cannot believe this whole ordeal is over. He moved out yesterday. Took all his belongings and left...

I cannot begin to express the relief. Ok, so this whole thing is going to cost me * * * * loads of money, but I'm paying to get my mental and physical health back, so it's worth it to me.


I feel like I can breath again.

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