undercover007 Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Been in an emotional abusive relationship for almost 3 years.. he has left me once again. Feels like each time would get easier, but it doesnt. After all that i have done for him.. after I had put his needs and wants first.. he still treats me this way. It hurts so much and I just want this pain to go away.. I want to be strong to leave and not go back for good. Love shouldn't hurt this much.. Link to comment
Russ Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Are you sure its love? I'm in this situation as well right now, getting back into a relationship with her even though I know she makes me unhappy, and I'm realizing that it's not about love or affection. It's being afraid of losing everything you built up over such a long time. Differentiate between the two, and figure which one it is. Each have different approaches towards healing Link to comment
undercover007 Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 I feel like I love him.. but I dont think he loves me like he says he does. A person that loves u wouldn't hurt you so much.. and wouldn't make you cry all the time. I dont know maybe it isnt love.. maybe im just attached to him and feel like life cant go on without him.. Link to comment
Russ Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 I feel like I love him.. but I dont think he loves me like he says he does. A person that loves u wouldn't hurt you so much.. and wouldn't make you cry all the time. I dont know maybe it isnt love.. maybe im just attached to him and feel like life cant go on without him.. You're right. Someone who loves you wouldn't hurt you. And if they did, they'd do anything to make it better. As for you, if you even for a second doubt that you do love him, like you just did, you're attached. That's good news, because attachments are difficult, and take time, but are easily gotten over within a certain time frame. You've got to figure out how to force yourself not to see him any more, whether he wants to or not. Be it moving away, or anything you could think of. Link to comment
cuteguyinftl Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 You're right...but here is the real question...You need to say to yourself..."I am important and deserve better." So don't look at him as the problem but that he opened your eyes to ask...what can i do to make me happy?!? Its a difficult question and crossroad to come too but when you realize that he is a * * * * er that deserves nothing to do with you. You deserve better and want someone that respects you. So laugh..That the jerk finally got his dumb ass out the door before you had to shot him in the head. Link to comment
Iconate Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Your definitely not the only person in the world fighting feeling like this. Its very common. My friend right now is still feeling affection for her ex boyfriend after...3 years. Shes heads over heals for him but he just doesn't feel the same way. Right now you have to understand that this is a battle only you can fight. Us here at ENA can only give you all the support you need to do the right thing. In no way shape or form is it easy to completely drop someone out of your life. But I think some steps you could start making to make life a bit easier is remove anything that reminds you of him. Mixed tapes, pictures, chat logs etc...These are only going to fuel your...affection for him, which you don't need. Also, maybe start looking for another male to take his place in your life. A good friend who you can goto with these things, or expand your horizons by going to places with your female friends who can always encourage you to approach a guy and talk to him. Lastly, I'm not trying and tell you how you should be feeling for him, but do you really love him? I truly believe that love runs two ways...Its possible to be in love with someone, but thats not love. I think its a big problem that people see this to be love. The reason is, what happens when a REAL man comes into your life and shows you the same affection you show him...is that love? Because its obviously a lot more than this guy your dealing with right now, and to compare it (love) to this relation now wouldn't be fair. There is obviously something in this guy that you really adore, so why not try and find what it is and see if you can find it in other guys. I hope you work this out Link to comment
wtm78 Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Been in an emotional abusive relationship for almost 3 years.. he has left me once again. Feels like each time would get easier, but it doesnt. After all that i have done for him.. after I had put his needs and wants first.. he still treats me this way. It hurts so much and I just want this pain to go away.. I want to be strong to leave and not go back for good. Love shouldn't hurt this much.. define emotional abusive relationship... Link to comment
undercover007 Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 define emotional abusive relationship... He constantly puts me down.. criticizes me.. can never really say anything nice. He can never admit to being wrong and always turns the blame on me.. saying things like, "If you didn't do this or behave this way then I wouldn't act like this." He gives me the silent treatment as a punishment.. he knows how much it drives me crazy. It has gotten to the point where I can't take it anymore that I call him over and over just to get some kind of response from him. He calls me psycho and crazy.. perhaps I am. But he can never communicate with me.. if we have a problem, instead of talking about it he avoids it and ignores me. In the beginning of the relationship he was so kind, caring, and charming. I fell head over heals with him.. then i noticed how he got possesive and controlling. He would hack into my online journals.. he would tell me to delete all my guy friends in my phone.. made me stop talking to certain friends for awhile.. got mad if i wanted to go out clubbing. He got mad that i didnt spend enough time with him and so i decided to quit my job that i had at the time. Then when i had more time and wanted to spend it with him.. he called me needy and clingy. It was a no win situation and nothing ever satisfied him. I gave him my all.. i put my heart out there for him to only have it broken a million times. I helped him get his new job because i knew he was struggling and wanted out of his old job. Now he has a career that he's always busy with. Yes he can be sweet and loving at times.. he makes me laugh.. i use to be enjoying with him.. but hes also very disrespectful.. now all i do is cry. I'm miserable and I feel hopeless. I feel like im going insane cause he wont answer any of my calls to talk. Link to comment
undercover007 Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 I cant even cry anymore cause ive cried so much Link to comment
ipconfig Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 undercover007, From where I see it, I don't think your boyfriend is going to change, and most likely will not change easily over time. It sucks I know I think you need to realise what you want, ie considering this, whether to be with this guy or not. Hope that helps Link to comment
Band_Nerd Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Wow...I'm so sorry. I've been through almost the exact situation. I mean it's almost word for word what happened to me. He would imply that I was crazy or too needy or desperate. What he didn't know, was that the only reason I was so 'desperate' is because I was always working my a** off to make him happy with me. I was with him for over a 1 and a half, and for 7 months of that, was perfect. Then he started all that crap. And then he broke up with me. But during that whole time, he constantly switch his moods so often. It messed with my head. He'd be nice, then out of nowhere his temper would flare and he'd be cruel to me. I'd ask him what I've done wrong, and he'd give me the silent treatment. Btw, if you ever need to talk to anyone, message me. You're not alone. Link to comment
Mutley Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 I just got out of something were I was constantly trying to make someone happy. She kept breaking up...so I would try harder. Now she disspeared about 2 weeks ago. I should be jumping for joy to have this dead weight off my back....but for some insane reason, I still blame myself. Actually I should of called it quits 6 months ago. I'm guilty of not doing that. I guess these people just suck the life out of us. After it's over we need to rebuild our self esteem. Link to comment
Band_Nerd Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 I just got out of something were I was constantly trying to make someone happy. She kept breaking up...so I would try harder. Now she disspeared about 2 weeks ago. I should be jumping for joy to have this dead weight off my back....but for some insane reason, I still blame myself. Actually I should of called it quits 6 months ago. I'm guilty of not doing that. I guess these people just suck the life out of us. After it's over we need to rebuild our self esteem. Yeah, definatly. Emotionally abusive people are only good for smashing our self esteem. Sometimes, i catch myself blaming myself, but I know I didn't do anything wrong. Heh, same here, I should have called it quits months ago with my ex too. Link to comment
Up and Down Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 define emotional abusive relationship... Here's a good synopsis on controlling and abusive partners. link removed Link to comment
Mutley Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Here's a good synopsis on controlling and abusive partners. link removed WOW. Definitely many of those point describe what I went through. I especially like the self esteem part. They crush your self esteem and discount your feelings. That's insane. Link to comment
Mutley Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Sometimes, i catch myself blaming myself,Heh,QUOTE] For some reason....when I wake up it's the worst. Link to comment
Band_Nerd Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Here's a good synopsis on controlling and abusive partners. link removed Wow...this describes my ex so well! My jaw dropped reading this because all of it is true! Link to comment
Up and Down Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 It's sad because they can be so charming and sweet at first, then little by little the mask comes off. While you hold out for the return of the person you first met...you will cycle back and forth between being loved and being devalued. However they are unpredictable and eventually you will be walking on eggshells. You should read about personality disorders, NPD/BPD and HPD. It seems, based on my reading, that many people that are abusive and controlling seem to be afflicted with one or all of these disorders. Here is an interesting article on BPD. How a borderline relationship evolves: link removed Are you in a relationship with a borderline: link removed Link to comment
wtm78 Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Here's a good synopsis on controlling and abusive partners. link removed thanks up and down.. i know what abusive means... what i meant was: i want to know her story... Link to comment
Up and Down Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 thanks up and down.. i know what abusive means... what i meant was: i want to know her story... Oh sorry. Just trying to help Link to comment
wtm78 Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 undercover, before i say anything, i want you to first know that there are always 2 sides to a coin. on one hand, at your end in particular, he is a big bad mean person.. on his end, he has issues he needs to deal with... like you say, you cant take it anymore... so what is your take? what do you want to do about it now? Link to comment
ghostgirl116 Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 do you have another job? if not, get one. that will do loads toward your self esteem... will help you feel like a productive member of society. and this guy? i just don't understand why you're shedding tears over someone that was downright mean to you for so long. why you feel like you so desperately want to work things out... ?? Link to comment
Up and Down Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 do you have another job? if not, get one. that will do loads toward your self esteem... will help you feel like a productive member of society. and this guy? i just don't understand why you're shedding tears over someone that was downright mean to you for so long. why you feel like you so desperately want to work things out... ?? It's called enmeshment. Abusive people in relationships don't abuse all the time, if they did it would be easy to walk away. The abused remembers the times when they were sweet and hope that if they do the right thing or act the right way that the abuser will return to being the charming person they first met. They might for a little while but it's only a matter of time until the abuse starts again. Interesting fact is that many people don't even know they are in abusive relationships...I didn't until mine was over....talk about a wake up call and a reason to pay attention to redflags. link removed Link to comment
Mutley Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 The abused remembers the times when they were sweet and hope that if they do the right thing or act the right way that the abuser will return to being the charming person they first met. They might for a little while but it's only a matter of time until the abuse starts again. You got that right. People tell me she was playing with my head....I think to myself...NO WAY....I'm too old to fall for that garbage. That stings. Link to comment
Up and Down Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 You got that right. People tell me she was playing with my head....I think to myself...NO WAY....I'm too old to fall for that garbage. That stings. Even the smartest get duped every once in a while abusers tend to prey on nice people... You live and you learn. Link to comment
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