One serious relationship into another = trust problems

[_free_]

I recently broke up with my girlfriend. I'm trying to figure out what went wrong, so that I won't make the same mistakes in the future.

 

One of the thing that caused the most hurt for me during our relationship was that my girlfriend didn't trust me. She constantly had doubts about whether I really loved her, and she thought I was looking at other girls and secretly wanted to get back with my X.

 

It was really painful to hear her say "you don't love me" so many times, when my heart was totally committed to her, and I was trying so hart to prove to her that I did love her.

 

I always used to put down her trust issues to her past - e.g. that her previous boyfriend cheated on her, and her father abandoned their family when she was five years old.

 

But lately I'm thinking that perhaps the way we started our relationship also contributed to the problem.

 

When we first got together, I was still fresh out of another serious relationship (a few months).

 

I knew this, and I knew I was still getting over my previous girlfriend, and this girl also knew it. But I figured it was worth it because I really liked her a lot, and was in love with her for many years when I was younger but never had the guts to ask her out.

 

Anyways, there were a few times when I still had to deal with emotions out of my previous relationship. I tried to be honest about it, thinking that my g/f will understand, and know that even though I feel this stuff I really only have eyes for her and I don't want any of my old relationship back.

 

But she didn't understand at all. It just made her very angry, and say things like "you should go back to your x".

 

So, I suppose this is a just something I want to say so that other people can also learn from my mistakes, and to hear what you think.

[Hollyj]

How much did you talk about the ex?

 

My ex talked about his ex wife and their relationship, I didn't understand as I thought it had no relevance to our relationship (divorced 5 years). I have never discussed my exs' with my SOs' , so it made me feel as if he hadn't let go of the relationship.

 

People, leave your past relationships in the past. If you feel a need to discuss these relationships discuss them with your friends or family.

[_free_]

Hy Holly, I talked about her maybe three or four times, but after the reaction I got I kept it to myself.

 

I did not want to talk about my ex to hurt her or compare our relationship.

 

I wanted to talk about my ex because I believed it is essential for one's relationship to be completely honest about everything you're feeling and thinking, even if it is not nice things.

 

Do you think it is better to just keep some things to yourself?

[Hollyj]

Honestly, YES!!!!!!

 

I don't think previous relationships have any bearing on the current relationship different people. I know that it made me uncomfortable when he brought up the past with his wife, and I've NEVER been a jealous or insecure individual. In fact, he has numerous female friends and I had always been very supportive and encouraging that he hang out with them without my presense.

[SchecterGuy]

My ex never had a real relationship before me and she told me about all of her encounters with men. Her philosophy was what does it matter. Plus I think it was just force of habit. It never bothered me. I wondered if she changed her tune with her new man. I think being open about our relationship will not help things now.

[_free_]

I hear you guys.

 

I suppose the best thing to do is deal with your old baggage as well as you can before entering a new relationship (I know... obviously).

 

And then if past issues bug you again, deal with it yourself or take it to a friend rather than your partner.

[nothanks]

Oh, I don't know. My X didn't want me to talk about my previous relationships, and didn't talk about his. And I think it was a MiStake NOT to.

 

I don't know why it's bad to discuss the past. You can learn a lot. If I'd known the truth about how he'd hurt all the women before me!! WHoo boy would I have run.

 

And it's important, too, for each other to know the past experience, what might be a trigger for a certain reaction, what you have to work on.

 

But I'm talking about bringing things up for a reason, or in a fact-revealing get-to-know- each-other discussion. I don't mean just moaning on about missing someone, of course, or obsessing.

 

Frankly, though, I will never trust a man who says "the past is done" and refuses to talk about relationships. In my case, it meant he was hiding the past from me.

[hisoldflame]

whoa, holly--i need to get a dose of whatever you're taking!

 

seriously, i have a bad issue with this, with the new dude i'm seeing. because i am still coming off the old love, i have brought up my past--mainly to help him to see where i am coming from on some issues. but i definitely think it has backfired. he has been adult about it, but i don't think it inspires confidence/motivation in the relationship.

 

i also have the no-trust thing happening. he has lots of gal pals, and also does work for a lot of mega-babe models, which really stresses me out. i am so not a model. it makes me feel incredibly insecure about my own positive traits, physical and not, and given some of the other issues i'm having with this guy, makes me question the relationship.

 

i am working toward not discussing my past relationship [i thought it was good to do, to help us both shed light on the present, and how we interact, or what issues come up for us]. this is why i came to this site. sometimes i can't stand to 'hear' myself talk, but seeing my words on the page is therapeutic in its own way.

 

in any event, to the OP--i think everyone is different. some people can deal with this, others can't. i see a bit of myself in your ex, which troubles me. i think it's good that you're looking at the situation, though, so as to learn from it. perhaps in your next relationship, you can put this issue on the table early on, and decide if that person's comfort level about stuff like this aligns with yours. some people, like holly, are more at ease with topics like this. i wish i had more resiliency about it myself, as i have come to learn that insecurity and jealousy is a huge turn-off to people. i have to gain more confidence in myself so i can radiate the more positive qualities i have and not be so derailed by the presense of other women in a guy's life--past or present.

[_free_]

Hi sold flame (hi-sold-flame -- what does it mean!?? )

 

I agree with you - I think you have to play it by ear. Some people have a great capacity for understanding and being comfortable with talking about past relationships.

 

All I know is this. If a woman doesn't trust her man, he feels it. The feeling is more something like "she doesn't believe in me".

 

That feeling is CRAP, and in a way I think it is self-fulfilling.

 

I've talked to many of my male friends about this. I don't know if girls know this, but most guys have a deep rooted fear that they have to conquer in order to be a good man. It basically comes down to a simple question we continually ask ourselves - "do I have what it takes?".

 

I think a guy's role in a relationship is to take a gentle but confident leadership, in a loving and considerate manner.

 

This is not to say the girl should just roll over and let the guy decide on everything. The guy should be considerate to your needs, and then take leadership to talk about it, decide on the right path for both of you, and make a plan to make it happen.

 

But if a guy does not feel confident and "like a good man", he is SO much more likely to fail.

 

For this reason I think one of the girl's biggest roles in the relationship, is to show her man she believes in him.

 

This may sound shallow and ego-boosting, but as shallow as it sounds, guys like it, no sorry, they need it, in order to be a good man.

[hisoldflame]

free--

 

i don't think it sounds shallow at all; it is a real human need, maybe a lot in the same way some women need to feel that someone can "take care" of them. [i know, i know...]

 

your words sadden me, though. much as i feel so let down by the ex [my old flame], i know i played a part in the relationship's demise, too, and i know i emasculated him many times by complaining about money [or his steady lack of it, and unwillingness to take a second job to make ends meet]. i supported him immensely the first 7 years--spiritually and financially--then started to pull back because i was feeling so let down and not met halfway.

 

still, your words make me realize that i cannot take that tack [sp?] with another man again; that i have to stand behind and be their cheerleader and let my past experiences not jade my future ones so much. my ex was a good cheerleader; sometimes i wonder if i was a good cheerleader only up until i didn't see the benefit of cheering, ya know? hard to explain.

 

it's good to get this insight from the guy. at least you're not yelling at me when you say it, though.

[_free_]

Hi his-old-flame ( I get it now )

 

I really do believe that supporting your man by encouraging him and believing in him is invaluable.

 

But reading your post here "...i supported him immensely the first 7 years--spiritually and financially..." brings another dynamic into this story.

 

I don't blame you for failing to encourage him! 7 years of financial support!!

 

Supporting someone through your words, and bailing him out for 7 years financially are two different things.

 

Here is a good post about it: link removed

 

Have you read the book called "Boundaries", by Dr. Henry Cloud and John Townsend?

[hisoldflame]

free--

 

glad ya 'got it'

 

i will definitely check out that post and may have to read the book, too. i'm so maxxed-out on self-help stuff, though. lol.

 

i do think i gave a lot. my friends have said i gave my all, and much as they liked the ex, they felt he dropped the ball big time. i guess my guilt comes from the times when things didn't pan out for him, i tended to dig in. my sentiments may have been well-founded, but i still think i was wrong to call him a loser and a bum, which i did on several occasions. that really ripped him apart.

 

still--i do feel he was a loser--and a victim/martyr--lots of times. always blamed the world for his failures, and was never willing to swallow a little pride and 'do whatcha gotta do' to both make ends meet and be responsive to his mate. at one point i worked 3 jobs because we were so tight. he stuck with his home business and refused to take a job at home depot, claiming that he needed to be home to build his primary business. [WHAT business??!] it just incensed [sp?] me that after all those years and all the money i gave him to help support his not-really-viable company and his personal needs, he wouldn't do the right thing for ME.

 

 

 

 

ok, i am starting to get incredibly angry. must...move... to next topic.

[_free_]

Hi flame

 

My apologies for doing some more self-help bashing.

 

Figuring out what was wrong and right is sometimes a see-saw between thinking you're completely to blame, and thinking the other person was completely to blame.

 

I hope you'll find peace and balance, and that the see-saw will come to rest soon.

 

Thanks for sharing so honestly...