justally Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 Well, I've been dumped. It hurts. I've never felt this strong of an emotion... So why not document it? Why not tell of the agony of reaching for the phone, wanting just to hear his voice, or of the time at work where I hugged him, even though he wasn't at all wanting one, and it made me feel so much better and so much sadder, because, well, I always associated kissing with him, but now all I want are hugs, and to touch his face, and maybe a kiss but whatever... It's not happening. But I want it. This hurts... Link to comment
justally Posted July 25, 2008 Author Share Posted July 25, 2008 Bah! I feel pathetic when all I want to do is eat, sleep, and talk to people. *sshoosh* Gah! I hate periods. But I still want him. I've not been horny, I'm just...all over wanting. Like, I'm craving his presense. To have him reassure me that, no, it's not over, he really did only need a break. It's delusional, but it's what I want. It's been a month, and this is only how far I've gotten. It's like I think I can seduce or plead him back to me; except I know I can't, because he's as stubborn as I am. HOW COULD HE THINK THAT THERE WAS NOTHING?! Did he not sense me lowering my boundaries for him? Was it not evident that I came into the relationship with my walls still up? And that it was only when I figured out that I could trust him that I opened those up? It took him 7 months to get me to lower those walls, 7 months for me to trust him as wholly as I do..did? Do? And that last month he said it was a chore to be around me. *stab. Stabity-stab-de-stab.* Yay. Argh. I want him. I want to express to him all I've learned about how completely I trust him, but I don't want to cry or plead or break down any further. I can't stand this! Link to comment
justally Posted July 25, 2008 Author Share Posted July 25, 2008 Well, I've done all the dishes. Finally. It only took 2 days of saying I was going to do it, to actually do it! *gah* I'm such a procrastinator, I don't even know why I bother. I'm more than a little bummed at all of the mistakes I've made in the last year. 18 to 19 was really a bad age. 19 to 20 will hopefully be better... Link to comment
justally Posted January 28, 2009 Author Share Posted January 28, 2009 Keeping a thread on the healing part. Not so much healing, stuck in a rut maybe. That song's so awesome: You know the summer time is gone now All the leaves are on the ground Everything is turning Stuck in a rut Rain coming down now Another year is over Add another candle to the cake I ain't gettin' no younger Stuck in a rut And only you can get me out of this place Save me Give me what I need You know you can break these chains and set me free Save me Give me what I need You know you can break these chains and set me free Set me free You know the winter time is here now And my poor heart is freezing up Keep the fire burning Stuck in a rut And only you can melt the pain away Save me Give me what I need You know you can break these chains and set me free Save me Give me what I need You know you can break these chains and set me free Wishing you were here 'cause I can't hold on Calm me down when I lie awake all night long Save me Give me what I need You know you can break these chains and set me free Save me Help me please You know you can break these chains and set me free You know you can break these chains and set me free Set me free Save me, pretty. 'Cause at this point, I'm just swimming away in a puddle of doubt, stirring up the mud underneath. How could I not of told you? I'm so infatuated, how could I have failed to make you understand? It's not because I'm a woman...it's because I was afraid you'd leave. And you left anyway, so why couldn't I have just told you it all? I want to see your blue eyes, and I don't care if you only see her know, if you don't care about me at all--because I want to remember what it was like to feel safe. Supported. Right now I'm breaking down, my barriers are gone. I can admit to being wrong now... And it's still too late. I'm sorry. Kudzu is kudzu will be kudzu...I didn't know how accurate that nickname would come to be. Did I strangle all of your freedom? I think now I did. Did I restrict your root, tap your water, allow bugs and harmful molds under your bark? I can't make it better. But I would do anything to have the chance to try. Link to comment
justally Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 Went on a walk. Water managed to get turned off. I was wondering why we hadn't gotten our bill yet...well, it never arrived and now I'm thirsty and sweaty, and have to melt icecubes for water. Ugh. I went ahead and called. Water will be on before noon tomorrow. Edvidently they were sending the bill to our landlord...who never bothered to give em to us. Thanks. How very professional. I want to fight. I have all this energy worked up, and I just want one of my siblings to needle...I want them to yell and I want to piss them off. I want to be hurtful for no reason other than I'm hurting, and I want someone else to, too. How mean. And abusive. Good thing I don't have anyone to do that to here, huh? I didn't do that to my ex...I still type in bf first. I'm a failure at letting go. Curiosity overwhelms me. I want a window into his life. I won't get it. Instead, I'll wait. Only 5 more months to go. Wait...only 8. His birthday is in September. I can be over him by then. I'm not that weak. Maybe I can even be ready to fight by then? I can do this, I know I can... I'm going to clean as much as I can without water, and then work on a training plan and on my college app. Please, I've grown up so much in the last year and half. All I want to do is go home. Please, let me get the full scholarship, please...I want to go home. I'm not strong enough to move accross the country and not miss home...I thought I was. I'm not. I don't know here like I know Raleigh...I want to fear snakes, make kudzu salad, I want REAL bbq...I want to go to the beach and find sharks teeth and have pale sand...not this cold grey stuff masquarading as sand. I want warm water and rip tides, sand banks and lighthouses... Have I just not given Oregon a chance? It doesn't matter right now...but I want home/ Link to comment
justally Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 I fear this: Being the person he wants to avoid. Being the person that never finds love. Dying and having no one come to the funeral. Having people talk behind my back. Being fat. Never changing. Never advancing. Not being a home owner by the time I'm 25. Not doing well. Dying and finding nothing...Misplaced anxieties and suspicions. Being wrong about something I love. I wish I still had hobbies. I used to just read fanfiction and crappy fantasy and crappy scifi and good modern literature and awesome classics and AMAZING histories...and I can't even gather any interests in these things. I wish I knew how to use tools. I envy my brother. Set design and costume design are things I wanted to do, but never had the time. And college crews want experience...and I have none. I can't even sew. More ways that I fail. 1 more minute gone. Forgot to post the song I came here to post. I hope he doesn't feel this way about me... Mad Brilliant lyrics We are bitter opposites, it stings when you hit Me like a kick to the head when I heard what you said Did you even consider, you are making us bitter I guess you're justified, because of your weak mind When our lips first met, you didn't get the hang of it I bet that you still kiss like me, you realize it when you hear this You have managed to steer clear, for yet another whole year Although I did see you, I only caught lies you threw When you were there with the band, acceptance letter not in hand Hugging your "cool" boyfriend, did you ever tell him? When our lips first met, you didn't get the hang of it I bet that you still kiss like me, you realize it when you hear this Realize it when you kiss It sounds awesome, and I love the chorus...but it makes me wonder. Did I ruin his memories of me? Will he forget me? Does he know I still kiss like him? He's the first person I've ever kissed...It made me feel so good. It was amazing. Last year, MLK weekend we went to Lincoln City. He made it awesome. Lol, and I know how to give road head because of it... I learned a lot about him that weekend. And how to make grilled cheese sandwhiches... Link to comment
justally Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 Went to the gym today. Ran 1.5 miles, and had an amazing workout. I feel better, but pooped. I'm calling it a night...despite the fact that I've only been awake since 6... Link to comment
justally Posted February 10, 2009 Author Share Posted February 10, 2009 Woke up at 10 am today. So danged early. Got my shopping done for the week-tried to adapt a oven version of chicken Parmesan to a stove top. Failed miserably; ended up with blackened chicken with tomato/Parmesan/mozzarella sauce. Oh well. Was still good. Called in to work; 3 time in 4 weeks. I feel horrid. I went a year and a half at my other job, and only called in 3 times. This job is wearing me down! I need to get out of here. Didn't get the position as office manager; the head of the HR department mentioned that if I was interested, they have a internship I'd be well suited for. They start accepting applications for it on March 15th; deadline is April 15th. Decisions would be made on a rolling basis, but by May 30th. Can I wait that long? I hate this desperation and despair that guides my life these days. I'm only happy when I'm entertained...like, I watched all of Dawson's creek s1 yesterday. And was amused. I loved the time I spent in Portland. It was awesome. I don't like living in this outside city as much...there's nothing to do...I need a car. Grr. Link to comment
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