Being friends did not work. some reassurance needed

[Karen33]

Basically I posted here totally distraught in December. Had just split with my bf and never felt pain like it. Against all of the good advise I agreed to being his friend. Yes I walked in with my eyes right open knowing I would get hurt again but wanting to alleviate the pain I was feeling at the time.

 

Well seven months down the line I've been dumped again. He cannot cope with my insecurities and we had a row. I'm terrified he'll meet someone and I think that that is only human nature and not that I'm a terrible person like he's making out. In fact I believe that I've behaved like a human being but he hasn't. So I can get lost now and once again he did it by text in a row. Not to my face. Because he was too 'angry'. Not that he hadn't got the guts mind you. He was angry.

 

Now I'm supposed to smile sweetly when he takes something of mine and throws it on the ground as he doesn't want that rubbish on his table and I'm supposed to think its flippin hilarious that he gawps at every woman he sees and they are all wonderful. In fact he fancies everyone except me. But just sleeps with me anyway.

 

Yes I know, I have zero self respect and yes I know I am a disgrace to womankind for putting up with it and for accepting the crumbs. And I'd love to say I'm weeping here with remorse but I'm not really. I want to move on but there are a couple of things stopping me.

 

I was treated so badly and I'm just wondering was he a really lovely guy until he met me and then he turned into a selfish mean and quite often cruel person who loved to hurt me and wind me up. You know when you can see a mean little smile accross someones face? He never let me go. I did try to but with my feelings being all over the place and the little crumbs he graced me I couldn't. Weak I know but it was so hard.

 

I'm just so totally angry and very very hurt. I mean hes now saying we can't be friends as god forbid he dated someone. I know! I know!!!!!! I said that all along. And don't get me wrong, its not that I want to still be around him because every day I so strongly felt like I needed to get away from him. And I'm glad that I am. But my self esteem is so low. And it seems so unfair that his life will probably be beyond wonderful no matter how he treats someone. although I should mention that he's 41 and still single. Not that that means anything other than he hasn't met the right person.

 

So here I am. Everythings all my fault again. I annoyed god almighty once too often!

 

Sorry about the rant guys. Vrey bruised heart here

[Believeyoume]

We weaken in what seems to be our destruction, but in fact that destruction heals faster than you think and the repaired parts come back stronger than before. Everything is NOT all your fault and there is no point in trying to go back and think about the "what if's" because the truth is, even if you did something the way you THINK you should have...maybe it wouldn't have had that consequence you think it would. Our choices are only half chance and so are everyone elses. Be kind to yourself, because no one else knows what YOU need and how to make YOU happy, more than YOU. Clearly you can see that by the treatment you received. Chin up, k?

[Catdancer]

I tried being friends and it doesnt work for me. I cant do it, so I dont even subject myself to trying. Now years later, after all the hurt is gone. I can be nice and speak to them if I see them somewhere, that is it.

[Clabs]

Hi again Karen - sorry that you find yourself back here but you know you have come to the right place.

 

This being friends thing only works if the relationship ended on truly mutual grounds and there are no romantic feelings left kicking about.

 

You know that staying with this man was the wrong thing to do. Everything seems to have been on his terms - when he decides to throw you some scraps - you cling on to the greasy old rope in any shreds you take from him.

 

You have to walk away from this - no run! You say your self esteem is low and I am not surprised because in allowing this crappy behaviour you have slowly and surely allowed him to chip away at that.

 

Look - it is not all your fault, ok? Go easy on yourself. You made a poor choice but that is all - you are only human like the rest of us. The good news is that you have seen what has gone on here and what it has done to you. But you have to follow this through with some actions on your part - you have to decide that you are worth far far more than this and that you are going to do something about it. Once you start taking some control back, you will start to feel a bit better about your situation.

 

I know it hurts hun and I know it is not easy, but take things a day at a time for now. Keep away from him, don't contact him and don't reply to any contact from him. Look back - re-read your posts - remind yourself why you need to get the hell away.

 

Hope this helps some. Come back here and post some more if you feel down, ok?

 

Mark

[Karen33]

I'm really hurt and alot of it is anger. And the feeling like you met a great guy and you blew it is horrible. Tonight he was Mr Perfect in my eyes. I got really down.

 

Not I have to say that in December to January I got quite ill over it. I am ashamed to say I had a total breakdown. I lost my job and everything. I lay awake night and day shaking. . I couldn't eat My life just totally fell apart and I think this may have been a build up of things but I really can't describe the hell I went though.

 

I'm in a better place now and don't feel that bad but very scared. I feel that I lost my mind and that although I really really want away from him the thoughts won't go away that i messed things up with a great guy. And that I am a failure again because I'm not even good enough to be a friend now. I realise and I caught him having someone else on the scene although he says she's only a friend. And indeed he's spent the entire weekends with me so if he was seeing someone else it can't be that serious. And whatever he's doing on me he was doing on her. if that is the case.

 

But I don't think he'd ever have had the guts to let me go unless he had someone else. I think he's even weaker than I am. I went along with the friends charade but when someone has broken up with you and you want them back you aren't really their friend you have an agenda. Why on earth though would I want a friend like him?

 

Do you think its just me? And that he's a great guy for someone but I'm the one with all the faults. I know I've loads. I'm trying to change them but am I geting angry with him when I should be angry with myself?

[GottaLetItBurn]

I feel like crying for you when I read that, your not a disgrace to anyone. You really cared for that person and it hurts so deeply inside when it's over. I want you to know it's going to be okay. I really feel badly for you and your situation, and you must know nothing your feeling is out of the ordinary. Your not a bad person, your a very lovable person who deserves to be happy.

[Karen33]

Thanks so much for that.. Its just so unfair you know. I wanted away from him so badly but he even took that away from me. it feels like I didn't want it. Oh I dunno what I'm thinking. Mr perfect he is not. Mr control freak and user is what he is. and I didn't make him something he wasn't already. Need to repeat that to self over and over again.

[Clabs]

Hi Karen

 

The trick here is to tell yourself over and over again that you will never again let someone have such control over you. You control you hun - and when you are in control you will feel your confidence and self esteem begin to return, little by little.

 

You know how bad this man was for you - you see this. Carry on keeping your eyes open to this, ok?

 

Mark

[Karen33]

Oh let him ne the one to say goodbye since it means so much to him. He obviously needs the boost more than I do. What is he going to do to feed his ego now? Doubtless that he'll start for feel less good about himself without me to feed off.

 

I need to heal myself and I can do that and go onto wonderful things. Poor him, he's stuck with the one he loves the most and he never will change. And I will not be the last person to want far away from him. I'm certainly not the first.

[lostandhurt]

karen, How can it be your fault that he treats you this way? What on earth could anyone do to deserve this kind of treatment. He is NOT a great guy! he is not really a man because a real man does not treat women in this manner. He basically gets to have your body when he wants it until he finds a replacement. The choices you need to make must be for you and only you without concern for him. He doesn't care for you so why should you give so much of yourself to such a selfish man. You certainly don't need a friend like him in your life that is for sure. I hope you find the part of yourself that you have lost.

 

lost

[chopperboy]

Karen,

 

I second everyone's opinion of this guy - he's a no-good user who exploited you to his ends.

 

I can tell you from my experience why you hurt so much despite knowing how bad he was for you - because the more we invest in someone, the more we care about the outcome. It's like these people become our projects. We want to make them well by all the energy that we sink into them, and we hope for some recognition of all our efforts. In reality, some people are just black holes for others' help. They take and take until the givers are sucked dry. Why do we take on these people that need us? Because their need makes us feel useful. You hurt now because all your energy that went into this guy was lost. And you invested so much that you actually lost yourself in the process. Save yourself now. Cut this leech off, and turn all that care and energy inward. Do something that soothes you and makes you feel good about yourself. The energy you invested in him is a loss, but you're still alive. Take what you can muster now, and make yourself feel better. You sound like a really good person that someone will someday be lucky to get to be near. You'll be ok, as long as you give yourself the self-love needed to heal. Hang in there.

[Karen33]

Chopperboy your post made me cry. And to everyone who's replied so far a heartfelt thanks.

 

I don't know whether I'm being over dramatic but I woke this morning to the realisation that I've been around a totally abusive and toxic person. Its not my fault he has no respect for me. He's no respect for anyone. He's no respect for himself. He's a total leech who comes under the guise of this nice friendly fun loving guy. And little by little he erodes the self esteem of others. I know he constantly goes on at his single friends that they are wasting their lives and that it would kill them to even look at a girl. And in quite a vicious manner. He slags off the areas they live in and he's known for being quite ignorant in his opinions. There's something wrong with everyone in his eyes. Everyone has head problems. And my gay friends are all total scumbags which he likes to tell me over and over again and has had my in tears as I really do love those friends and its hard to hear them being talked about like that.

 

I think he feels awful about himself. He's a control freak. Does not drink, smoke, obsessively tidy. By the way the way none of these things are flaws but they're less about choice and more about being in control. If you knew him you'd know what I mean.

 

I just got a couple of texts now saying how sorry he is for his treatment last week and how he never used me and we should have just stayed friends. And he nevr used me and I'm a lovely person..

 

Reply : no we shouldn't have been friends. yes I'm a lovely person. And I'm far too good for you. Now get lost and don't contact me ever again. I'm ok, you aren't. and you never will be. goodbye

[GottaLetItBurn]

Pretty mean text you sent him but you have to do what you have to do. I do think that most people who abuse others are miserable and unable to connect. It's the rush of having something new, the novelty, and when that isn't enough they move on. I personally feel sorry for him because I think we are all trying to do our best. That's why he apologized, his "nice" side is telling him to make up to you. Unfortunately he isn't that way all the time, just enough to keep you coming back for more. I think your making a good decision to move on, if he doesn't lose someone special he will never learn and will never get help to improve himself.

[Karen33]

Yes it is a bit mean but I feel entitled to be a bit of a cow after all I've been through!

 

the nice side won't reel me in this time.

 

I've wanted away from him for ages. And now I am.

 

Do I want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? No

Do I want to be with someone who has used me and treated me like crap? no

Do I want a man who is cowardly, controlling, bitter, and hasn't got a good word to say about anyone? no

do I even want to be friends with someone who treats me like dirt? no I don't

 

I mean here's me thinking that he was going to be such a loss and what would I do without wonderful him in my life. Me being unable to move on, spending my time with someone who made spiteful digs at me one minute and the next minute I'm the best in the world. someone who makes me feel that I'm all wrong and he's the best thing since sliced bread. What was I thinking? Not only am I good enough for him I'm good enough. Its not him thats great, I'm great. I'm not dirt, worthless or without value. I matter.

 

And if he doesn't love me, fine. Well until someone does then I'll have to love me and take care of me and there isn't any room in that for being abused or put down.

 

and I don't love him either. I think I was addicted to him. I think I could not bear the rejection, so badly that I had to cling to him and let him manipulate me and use me hoping he'd realise he was wrong. And that would make me ok somehow.

 

Well his opinion of me matters very little now. In fact it doesn't matter at all. And now he's trying to be nice because my opinion does matter. So who was the weak one in the end?

 

I always knew I'd somehow pull though and he was determined I wouldn't. and he's lost that control now and it probably kills him. So he'll just take that out on the next person. poor them.

 

And I can now get to know myself and realise my faults and try to grow. And hopefully be in a better place so that if I am unfortnate enough to meet someone like him I won't put up with it. But I reckon I won't attract someone like him when I'm in a better place.

[Iakasot]

Karen, your ex actually sounds a lot like me. Typical 'got too much affection from his parents as a kid' psychological profile. Usually people like that learn to discipline themselves and accept less because it's unrealistic to expect too much affection. (often they withdraw enough that they engage in almost no intimacy) Until they hit a relationship where they get the typical "baby" treatment. That's when the beast awakens, the beast of expecting too much. The beast of having this mental fantasy of a person (it sounds like your ex has a mental fantasy of everyone else too, that's why he speaks so negatively of everyone when they don't live up to it). These mental fantasies are usually created in the honeymoon phase where that type of person is babied. I will ask you to please not dehumanize him. He's someone who wasn't brought up correctly, and he doesn't sound like he's aware of the flaws and knows how to deal with them. Ever since my last break-up, I learned to deal with them by rejecting affection, because I don't want to start expecting anything. I really did love my ex, but multiple people told me that long-term relationships aren't for me.

[Hollyj]

Ever since my last break-up, I learned to deal with them by rejecting affection, because I don't want to start expecting anything. I really did love my ex, but multiple people told me that long-term relationships aren't for me.

 

Wow, that's really sad! You should respond to my thread Emotional Walls

[Karen33]

This all rings quite true actually. He's the only boy and very close to his mother who had him on a pedastel. He talks about how he was a full time job for his mother. And when he likes someone they are the best thing in the world almost to the point that they become God almighty in his eyes. They can do no wrong. And then they take a fall. not just me by the way. over the last year and a half I've swung from being the most wonderful person ever to the worst and then back again. And at times I've looked into his face and seen this cold sneer especially if he's made a sarcastic dig or when he is boasting about himself in some way i.e looking in the mirror and remarking what a good looking bloke he is. He seems to get more and more puffed up the more he's stamping on someone and he is never wrong. Everything has to be done his way and once his mind is made up it cannot be changed. Does this sound like you at all or can you shed any light on how he's feeling?

[Iakasot]

Well, from what I've noticed people with this psychological inclination often develop narcissistic tendencies, because they feel like they're the only person they can rely on to be CONSISTENT in giving themselves "affection" and making themselves feel good. I noticed when I was in despair from the person I love not being there, I started compensating by telling myself how awesome I was, and by doing things I was good at, like playing piano. Being self absorbed is not always the best thing, but sometimes it's the only thing that can rescue you from leeching off of someone else. I'm not at his point, obviously I'm 21, and god knows, he probably had a ton of failed relationships that filled him with despair and loneliness.

 

Guys like that usually learn to be manipulative because girls in general are manipulative, and they feel like they have to fight fire with fire, because girls always get mad over small things and blame a guy for seemingly nothing. It's the only way he feels like it's "fair", because he doesn't like to lose. I learned to be manipulative with my ex 2 years ago, basically I'd do anything for her and was extremely tolerant, until she started walking all over me and picking at little things. At first, I didn't even want to bring anything up, because I didn't want to make her feel bad, but then I was fed up because I felt like me doing my best wasn't good enough, and basically I started to copy her. Not only was I open about things that actually hurt my feelings, but I did a little extra thinking like "Hmmmm, would she get offended in this situation, maybe I should because I COULD be". Even though she was an expert at it, in a mere couple weeks, I was better at it than she was. Needless to say, a few months later, she dumped me, and I made sure she felt the most guilt for it she ever could in her life.

 

He broke up with you because he sensed you were gonna break up with him. Being dumped causes intense psychological trauma for guys like this, especially when it adds up over the years. They feel like they're not good enough, because affection always gets taken away from them, just like when they grew out of infant-hood, just like after every girl leaving them. Again the narcissistic compensation comes in there. He protected himself by breaking up with you. I now protect myself via rejecting women, and I'm confident in my decision, because women are the ones to end relationships much more often than men are.

 

The worst was my last long-term relationship last year and the beginning of this year. When I was rejecting her, I actually made the dumb mistake of opening up to her why I was doing it. She responded by trying harder and giving me more affection, and dumber still, I fell for the trap because it made me feel good. She made every promise imaginable she could make. I now despise the phrase "I am yours and only yours forever", to a normal person it means something normal that happens to be said in an optimistic relationship. To someone like me, I am being teased with promises of boundless affection, and of power. When I realized that she tried even harder because she felt sorry for me, that made me even more mad, because that PROVED I wasn't good enough to be loved for ME and who I am. Your ex doesn't drink or do drugs, and is a disciplined clean freak, yet he's addicted to affection and power, how ironic that he doesn't realize those things would be more important to control as pertaining to human interaction and well-being, because over the years they turned him into a bad person, and despite his efforts to discipline and control himself, he still has that addictive personality he developed from not being raised correctly as an infant.

 

Now a question arises, can I develop healthy relationships, because so far it seems like for me it's all or nothing, right? Well, think of a crack addict, picture them quitting. Now, once they relapse, do you see them using it moderately, or use it compulsively like they did before? It would suck if mothers gave their children cocaine, but this isn't too far off. The child has to learn how enjoy human closeness, but to also be able to take it or leave it and not develop extreme deitifying or demonizing views of people. I don't want romantic affection, because my heart is just going to be broken. I don't want sex, because most women feel as though they're giving more than I am (or guys in general are) in the act of intimacy. I'm risking much more and am much more vulnerable than they are. Who knows who I may be 20 years from now, maybe I'll turn into a bad person like your ex.

 

Maybe a lack of relationships can prevent that. I'm not risking it in the friends department, because I have enough friends that I don't get too attached to any single one, and I am respected for being blunt and open among them. If I sense one trying to get too close, and push the "close friend" or "best friend" agenda on me, I tell them that we're friends, and I don't expect anymore from them, and that just being friends is good enough for me. I don't know if it will be good enough for me in the long run, but right now it's enough to cope. One thing's for sure, if I learn to develop healthy relationships, it would take much longer than it would for an infant.

 

IMPORTANT: Don't ever smother your infant with affection, it's about the worst thing you can do to a kid, it's worse than giving them too little affection. Hitler was raised by a single mother who gave him too much. Most screwed up individuals don't become that way because of domestic abuse but for this rather sneaky and seemingly harmless reason, unknown to most. Due to this they don't develop a realistic sense of the world early on.

 

I hope everyone enjoys the read. Good day.