The way to healing!

[Purple1]

My blog excerpt! I’m writing this post to help anyone going through a breakup no matter what stage you are in. I’m not trying to sound like I know it all….I’m not saying your circumstances aren’t different to mine. But I’ve pretty much got over a 6 ½ year relationship in approx 9 months. I still have scars but they have just about healed. It was hard. It took time. I feel like I owe this forum my thoughts on the subject because it helped me soooo much!

 

I know in the beginning it hurts so bad you feel like you can’t breathe. You can’t imagine life without your ex. You cry, you call them and try to plead with them (or you may be stronger than I was and don’t!) You feel like you will never find anyone else to replace them. No matter what problems you had. You miss the conversations and you feel like you’ve lost your best friend in the whole world. What do you do now??

 

Well I can promise you all… it will get better day by day. Some days you may feel worse than others. You may feel like you take one step forward and then one step back even after months of being apart. But still…. It will get better!

 

One of the most important things I’ve learned through this breakup experience (my first love, or love of my life!) is you have to think positive no matter what your brain is telling you to think! Everytime you have a negative thought… cancel it out with a positive. It might not work right away… eventually it will!

 

Write a diary. In that diary go through all your feelings. As often as you can. Put aside two pages of your diary and in one write a list of all the things you miss about your ex. On the other page write down all the things that annoyed you about them (and be honest here! Was he crap in bed? Did he have smelly feet?? Write em all down!) On your bad days re read it! When you feel better stop writing the diary about him/her and start a new one… about your new life!

 

NC is absolutely compulsory! I was forced into it thankfully! It helped me sooo much! My ex did not contact me at all… in fact still hasn’t but I couldn’t care less now! My ex didn’t just leave me… he left the city… the county and even the country (hence the forced NC bit!) But, this was the best thing that could have happened!

 

If you are really struggling…. Seek therapy! If you can’t afford it… buy a self help book… I highly recommend It’s called a breakup because it’s broken…. Then “he’s just not that into you”

 

Don’t sit on your butt all day pining! Okay It’s fine in the beginning… sulk as you need but eventually you will have to get it together. I highly recommend doing something new and exciting! Even if you can’t think of something you’d like to do… just pick something randomly! Try and do something that frightens you every day! This could be anything from trying your mum’s cooking to skydiving! I also recommend cosmic ordering, if you don’t know what it is then google it!

 

Go on dates… but don’t be a serial dater. You may find yourself comparing them to your ex too much. If this happens take a step back. Re-bounds are good with the right person. Personally my rebound was lovely to me but now when I realise how much I didn’t fancy him I feel a bit sick about sleeping with him… but hey whatever helps right!

 

Eventually… it might not take as long as you think… you’ll get your confidence back and realise that your ex…. Is really your ex and not someone you would consider dating EVER again!

 

The key is to keep the right mentality. You’ve got to tell yourself that you WILL get through it. You WILL get over them!

 

One of my fears was that I would always wonder what if? What if I hadn’t of done this and we still were together? Why did I treat him like that when I could have done this?? I forced myself to stop thinking this way. And hey 9 months down the line… I know that the right decision was made for us to break up!

 

In fact not only am I happy we broke up. I am completely content on my own. I love my own company and, I don’t need anyone else. I don’t care if I end up being the old woman with lots of cats so long as I’ve followed my goals in life. And to top it all off I’ve just got my skydiving licence today!

[lostnva]

Very nice..thank you!

[heartbroken9]

Thank you for the post, I def. needed to hear something postive. Its been only 2 months since my break up and i still feel horrible..but hearing that you got through it gives me hope. =)

[Panda2008]

Thanks so much for posting. I currently feel like I am going backwards after three months of great progress (recently found out ex is seeing someone else).

 

I just have to remember that tomorrow is a better day. Positive thoughts!!

[nothanks]

Great post. Thank you so much.

[j0shua]

thanks, good post.

 

the "what if?" game is terrible for sure.

 

play the "what now?" game instead.

[riley123]

Good stuff, but I don't agree with your statement, "rebounds are good with the right person."

 

Never a good idea -- especially if your the dumpee.

[Roaks]

Love the post! Thanks! I think I'll be re-reading it and taking from it what I need at any given point in time. Nice. Thanks again!

[Purple1]

Good stuff, but I don't agree with your statement, "rebounds are good with the right person."

 

Never a good idea -- especially if your the dumpee.

 

I think it depends on the circumstances. I was the dumpee and having a non serious relationship for a few weeks gave me back my confidence. I thought back then that no one would ever like me.. no one else could be nice to me or find me attractive. I made sure they knew I wasn't looking for anything serious and I ended things before anyones feelings got hurt. I also waited 5 months before I started dating.

[Purple1]

..

Like yours, my ex never contacted me again (over 4 months now). For me, this was one of the most painful things. I hope I can be where you are in 9 months. But I think it will take me close to a year or two.

 

I think you might surprise yourself on how long it'll take. I wouldn't put a timeframe on your healing. If you think it'll take a year or two to get over it.. it will! I think at the 4 month stage I was having really good days, feeling confident and strong... then a few days of longing and anger at my ex, I still missed him. When we first broke up people kept telling me, it takes half the time you are in a relationship to get over it, eh well sorry not wasting 3 years on this loser! I'm not pining for him for that long!

 

I read a random comical book for girls that had a few things about relationships in it. One was about breakups where it said you shouldn't take more than 10% of the time you were with that person to sulk over them. So 6ish months for me. It was just about right! I can only think of one relapse for about a minute since! But I quickly reminded myself of what a loser he is and how all the time I spend worrying about him is wasted and I could be doing something much more productive!

[benga]

Hey Purple... Good post. 18 months for me and getting out of a 14 year relationship. I can relate to everything you wrote and things just get easier with time. You'll see. I have been on this board for more than a year and I recall have started some threads on very similar lines. While you may not acknowledge it still, some amount of anger, denial, resentment still lingers in bits and pieces.. all under the surface, but over time and over the months, things just get better.

 

Though I would hate to admit it, but the dating thing and sleeping around just a little helps keep you distracted, but reality checks do follow...

 

Well done!!

[riley123]

While you may not acknowledge it still, some amount of anger, denial, resentment still lingers in bits and pieces.. all under the surface, but over time and over the months, things just get better.

 

I agree. As time goes on and you move further and further away from the breakup, you do feel better, but I'm not sure if you ever completely 'heal’ from a broken heart. Previous issues – that we think had been dealt with properly -- can subconsciously carry over into new relationships.

[Purple1]

Hey Purple... Good post. 18 months for me and getting out of a 14 year relationship. I can relate to everything you wrote and things just get easier with time. You'll see. I have been on this board for more than a year and I recall have started some threads on very similar lines. While you may not acknowledge it still, some amount of anger, denial, resentment still lingers in bits and pieces.. all under the surface, but over time and over the months, things just get better.

 

Though I would hate to admit it, but the dating thing and sleeping around just a little helps keep you distracted, but reality checks do follow...

 

Well done!!

 

I agree, I'm sure there will be times when I get angry. I still harbour some anger towards him in regards to never contacting me. But not enough to make me feel bad, or want to change the past. I don't miss him at all, I'm glad I'm single.I don't think I remember a time in my life when I was glad to be single, it's a really nice feeling. In the last few months I've experienced some of the happiest moments of my life, I never felt that happy in 6 years. So I suppose I can take the bad moments for all the good things that are to come!

[nothanks]

In the last few months I've experienced some of the happiest moments of my life

 

Wow, that's so good to hear!

And sometimes I should remind myself of how utterly devastated I was when my husband announced that he had a girlfriend, "And I love to hold her in my arms," he said! And he moved out and in with her, leaving me with our 5 year old and a house we'd just moved into, hadn't even unpacked, and a doubled mortgage. I did not think I could go on. I'd wake up at 3 sure that they were making love, etc.

 

But, in not too long of a time, I realized how very lucky I was that he was gone. I realized how little love he had shown me (this is where a rebound CAN be useful!), and I realized how much I'd been living in fear of his anger, and how little we shared. It took a while longer to let go of actively being ANGRY at him, and I still, eleven years later, think he handled it badly, but, so what? I don't hold any of it against him now.

 

Point being, I didn't think I'd survive without him, and now I shudder to think what I'd be like if we had stuck together.

[nothanks]

In the last few months I've experienced some of the happiest moments of my life

 

Wow, that's so good to hear!

And sometimes I should remind myself of how utterly devastated I was when my husband announced that he had a girlfriend, "And I love to hold her in my arms," he said! And he moved out and in with her, leaving me with our 5 year old and a house we'd just moved into, hadn't even unpacked, and a doubled mortgage. I did not think I could go on. I'd wake up at 3 sure that they were making love, etc.

 

But, in not too long of a time, I realized how very lucky I was that he was gone. I realized how little love he had shown me (this is where a rebound CAN be useful!), and I realized how much I'd been living in fear of his anger, and how little we shared. It took a while longer to let go of actively being ANGRY at him, and I still, eleven years later, think he handled it badly, but, so what? I don't hold any of it against him now.

 

Point being, I didn't think I'd survive without him, and now I shudder to think what I'd be like if we had stuck together.

[Lindsey6826]

Hey purple, Im starting to read "its called a breakup because its Broken". I just finished "Don't call that Man". I would recommend that book. It was the only thing that kept NC going for me.