Met with the ex...need help, very sad

[BlondeAmbition]

In case you havent read my other posts: My bf of 1.5 years broke up with me two months ago, due to lots of arguing/stress in our lives, our personalities are different and would clash sometimes, but they also kept us interested/intrigued with each other. Anyways, he wrote me a letter a few days later saying that he hoped in the near future we could be friend and try to get back together.

After two months of NC, I emailed him and he responded within an hour, agreeing to meet up. He said it was "great to hear from me" and that "meeting up is a really good idea."

Well, we met on Tuesday...and I'm more depressed than ever He basically said the last two months have made him realize that we are too different, and that he doesn't see how things would change if we got back together. I tried telling him that I've been working on my anxiety and stress, seeing a therapist, making lifestyle changes, etc. He said our arguments caused too much emotional stress on him, and while he still loves me, he said he's lost any faith that we'd be able to successfully reconcile. He said breaks never worked in the past for him, so why would they now. I tried to get him to have a more open mind about it, and us, but he was convinced it wouldnt work.

I'm so angry, sad, confused...I did NC, and it failed. I was hoping it would help him remember the good times, like how we went to Mexico and had a blast and had romantic dinner/beach cuddling just weeks before our breakup. I'm so confused and depressed Can anyone please help me on how to move on? Every breathe, every heartbeat...is pain. I can't imagine my life without him....he was the man I thought I would marry....

 

I still want to cling to hope that he'll change his mind down the road, after many months...but I know that's dangerous and I need to just move on. But I just don't know how he can go from being madly in love with me (all his friends would tell me so) to now just giving up completely. I don't know how to cope... it's so hard.

[sebbysunshine]

im in the exact same situation so if anyone has any idea what to do... please help. me n my bf were together for 2 yrs. he still says he loves me but he doesnt see how our differences can work. he doesnt believe that ive changed. sometimes theres nothing you can do. you have to be happy on your own before he'll want you back. you need to work on you. yoga helped me a lot. you need to remember what its like being your own person, and not half of an entity. once he sees that you dont NEED him, but you WANT him, he might reconsider.

[Lana0120]

You have my sympathies. Nothing for it though, but to try and move on. *hugs*

[amya]

I'm in near enough the same situation also, was together for almost 2 years and he broke up with me because of our differences. Not major differences but small things that would be ongoing and seemed to never change no matter how we swore they would. Anyway, he broke up with me 5 weeks ago tomorrow, not that i'm counting??! And when i saw him last week, i thought after 4 weeks he'd realise how much we were "meant to be together" but no, he's still not interested or even wants to talk about us as a couple, he just wants to be "good friends" and gets annoyed when i mention us. Anyway i feel as though i'm back at day 1, just as you probably feel too? I haven't spoken to him in 8 days now, longest i've gone but he knows how i feel, and he knows how you feel right? What more can we do... can hope all we want they'll change their mind but that could be a year down the line, when we won't want them anymore, i bet!

[BlondeAmbition]

Yea, I totally agree on feeling "back at day 1." During our two month break of NC, I clung to hopes in his letter he had given me about possibly reuniting. Now that we met up and he's completely squashed that idea...I feel miserable. I'm still in shock. I don't know how the guy who used to love me so much, who would hold me in my arms as I cried and yelled at him until I calmed down...how that love can now turn into him being so close-minded and distant. It's so hard...I try not to think about it, but it haunts me every hour, every day. I was supposed to marry him, I swore to my heart I was. It completely sucks.

[amya]

It's tough i know, when you had such a strong connection with someone, knew them inside and out to all of a sudden... nothing. It's as if you feel like you don't know who they are anymore?!

About the holiday to Mexico, same thing, we went only holiday to Portugal literally a month before we broke up, and it makes me think woah i never would have thought while we were on the beach having a great time that in a months time it would all be gone and i'd be on this website pouring my heart out to complete strangers. Can't believe they can just move on when all you can do is think about them, what you would have done different, blaming yourself, etc etc. Feels like this pain is never gonna end.

It's hard.

Because when you are with someone for so long you do think theyre "the one" n that theyll always be there for you, but in reality relationships a majority of the time, dont work out. It's horrible i know. I feel as bad as you and the next, all we can do is get on with things.

I'm looking at going on holiday for a month, Mexico funnily enough, trying to find something thats my own memory! Try finding something that's yours, coz as they say, men want what they can't have?! I'm not sure if thats entirely true but i do know crying over him n telling him how much i want him back doesnt bloody work!!!!

[...John...]

I think you should go and read superdaves thread on NC... Now im not the greatest person to be saying this, because i'm still very recent in the break up, but one thing that I have learned is that NC is primarily for you... its not suppose to give you a sense of hope that things will work out, it is mainly so you can realize that you can be happy and function without them. I know it sucks, believe me i would want nothing more than to be with my ex, even after all the horrendous things she has said and done to me since the break up, but I had to realize that she doesn't want me anymore, or at least that is what she is communicating to me at this point, and if I truly love her, i will respect her wishes and leave her alone... that took a great deal of time mind you... but now I have to worry about me, and the NC sucks, but it makes it a little easier to deal with it. I still find myself thinking about her, but then I realize it and occupy my mind with other things. Also, NC may, and I say may because it doesn't always happen, but it may cause the "dumper" to feel for you again, but that is not its purpose. If it was "meant to be" it will be (I however hate that phrase so very much) The point of NC is so that you can find your true self all over again... before you met your ex, you were independent and did things yourself, now its time to find that person all over, and find what makes you happy. Take the things that went "wrong" in the relationship and learn from them and apply the lessons you learn into your life. The thing that I am learning from NC is that is sucks very much, but it is allowing me to focus my life on me again, I don't have to worry about someone, and now I can find my happiness for me, and fulfill all my dreams and goals and persevere and find my strength again. I hope that some of this helps. Stay strong, and faithful to yourself, stop wishing for something that may never happen and move forward. Its time to love yourself now.

[CDizzle]

Okay so I definitely know that I am not one to talk because I too am struggling with my current pseudo-relationship with my bf and hopes of getting back together. Fortunately my boyfriend was up-front and honest and did not say "I hope one day we can get back together" because he knows that he can't predict the future and he did not want me to get my hopes up.

 

I've been thinking for the past few days how I could possibly move forward from this relationship (I've come to realize that the only hope of us ever reconciling and being together again is for us to move on and change who we are, because the first time around clearly did not work) and move past him. I really feel like the only way for you to truly move forward is to let go of the past and to close that door to your relationship and to remember that when one door closes, another one always opens!

 

I keep thinking that we hold our significant other on a pedestal, but while we're holding the significant other on a pedestal we fail to realize that what we're doing is pushing down our self-worth and our own value. I think we need to look in terms that it's not OUR loss but in fact it is THEIR loss. Although I do not know any of you personally I think it is all safe to say that we are all wonderful, beautiful, caring, kind, smart, funny (etc, etc) people and anyone would be lucky to have us in their lives.

 

I think the first step in moving on is to remove our significant other from the pedestal. I mean, do you really want to be with a person who doesn't value you and all of your wonderful traits and everything that you have to offer?

 

No one can dictate your happiness but yourself. I recommend reading "He's Just Not That In To You" and the section entitled "He's just not that into you if he's breaking up with you" -- it really helps. You may also want to read this article on MSN: link removed -- about marriage. I think a lot of times people fear heartbreak and loss because they're afraid they won't find anyone else (not to take away from the fact that losing someone you love isn't extremely painful, but after a break up there is an "unknown factor" and no one is really sure what will happen) but it's not true!