Commitment-phobe ex keeps asking for a "date"

[dream83]

My last bf and I have been broken up and NC/LC for two months or so.. completely NC for the last three weeks maybe. I'm so over him to the extent that I no longer want to spend time with him. It doesn't really pain me a whole lot to ignore him. I don't really wonder what he's doing, whether he thinks of me, or anything like that. He said/did some pretty bad things surrounding our breakup, so I can't really say that I miss him.

 

He emailed me today, first telling me how busy he is and doesn't have a minute to spare, he's realizes he's a commitment-phobe, but that he wants me to spend time with him this weekend (...and people in hell want ice water, too). He also added how "nice" it must be for me to hear that he misses me, although he doesn't blame me for not talking to him. This isn't the first time he's sent me an email of this nature. He's previously asked me out to lunch on a couple of occasions (after casually mentioning that he had been sexually frustrated lately). He's told me a few times that he wants to come over and "watch tv". He often says he's concerned about my safety and has gone so far as to seriously suggest that I give him a written account of my weekly plans (where I will be going on each day of the week) so that he can know where I am and ensure my safety. Bear in mind that he went out of town a short while ago, and my safety didn't seem to be a concern of his while he was away...not that I wanted him to contact me. I'm just pointing out the irony here.

 

Anyhow, my problem is that even though I've gotten away from him as far as relationship, I still feel like he thinks he has some sort of weird ties to me in his mind, and I don't know what to do about it. I now get this slightly sick feeling in my stomach when he writes me. I get the same feeling when I'm online and he signs on because I know he's "checking" on me. I know this because he said it himself. I can't explain the weird, nervous feeling I get. He has gone so far as to completely freak out and send several emails/call my phone when he hasn't heard from me. A tiny part of me is a little afraid that I will come home one day or my phone will right, and he will be outside my house wanting to "talk" or have dinner as if nothing's happened. I feel sort of sad because he claims that he wants me in his life, but I feel so put off by things that happened during the course of the relationship as well as some very concerning personality traits of his that I don't feel like I can do that.

 

Am I'm overreacting by having theses strong negative feelings that I would go so far as to describe as mild to moderate feelings of anxiety? I know it's probably not worth getting this worked up over, but I just feel so...disturbed. I don't really know what to do about this. Talking to him would invite more conversation from him. I could continue to ignore him and hope that he doesn't have another freak-out session.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions? Insight? Words of encouragement? Magic potion that subdues crazy exes?

[annie24]

i don't know, sounds like he is semi stalking you!!! i'd be freaked out too. go read the book, 'the gift of fear.' listen to that little voice inside your head!

 

i would block him and all contact with him. he is not good for you.

[dream83]

Thanks, I'll look into the book.

 

Oh, I knoooow he's not good for me. It's not a matter of me wanting to go back. I just get this weird negative feeling every time a lot when he contacts me. It's not that I think he would try to hurt me. But...disturbed...is just the best way I can describe it.

[annie24]

yeah, the book sounds good for you. i haven't read it yet either, but i've heard a bit about it and read parts of it. basically about how we (humans) are the only animal that senses danger and still walks into it. other animals walk away when they sense something is off. we have to learn how to trust those instincts!

[dream83]

Update: the crazy emailing pattern has begun yet again. I didn't respond to last night's email, so he wrote me this morning about how life's too short to be miserable. Apparently that doesn't apply to the ways in which he could only make me miserable.

 

Why is he being crazy? And why won't he take the hint? He had so many bad things to say about me right before and during the breakup, and now he's trying to force me to spend time with him. I don't get it, and quite frankly I'm a little creeped out.

[browneyedgirl36]

yeah, the book sounds good for you. i haven't read it yet either, but i've heard a bit about it and read parts of it. basically about how we (humans) are the only animal that senses danger and still walks into it. other animals walk away when they sense something is off. we have to learn how to trust those instincts!

 

Yep -- It's a GREAT book. It has helped me deal with everything from creepy strangers on the street to a creepy guy who was "in love" with one of my friends (and trying to get me to put in a good word for him with her!) to my own harassment by a former student of mine recently.

 

The author basically says, if something seems "off," it probably is, and that we shouldn't ignore that "off" feeling.

 

I highly recommend it!

[dream83]

Hmm...a second recommendation. I've definitely got to read the book. I think it would be good for me.

 

OMG! Browneyedgirl, you were being harassed by a student!?!?!?

 

I've had minor issues in the past with other guys (and arguably another really bad experience with one professor). My friends used to joke about me being a magnet for mild stalkers/crazy people (they would never joke during the times that it bothered me, though).

 

My instincts have already been pretty good, and I'm trying to follow them more and more. But in this case I just don't know what to do. I don't want to have contact with him because I think that might make it worse. It's hasn't reached a level that would warrant a call to the police. So, I just feel like I'm kind of stuck thinking in the back of my mind that he will probably contact me again and feeling the weird anxiety when he actually does. I would block his emails, but I keep thinking that if things do progress to the level of full-blown crazy, I would at least like to be able to see it coming via increased frequency of emails, increased use of crazy person "language," etc.