The Sound of Settling

[knightingale]

I know that in the "honeymoon" stage everything is perfect and beautiful and your S.O. can do no wrong in your eyes and you're certain that they are who you will be spending the rest of your life with. Then reality sets in and it's obvious that, no, nobody is perfect and we all have our flaws. The delusion is gone. I'm grateful for this moment to be honest--when the "honeymoon" stage has ended and the meat and bones of the relationship are out in the open. I appreciate that honesty in the relationship. I like knowing that I'm allowed to be my imperfect self because the same goes for my S.O. The only downfall is that, yeah, the person you have fallen in love with isn't perfect (and neither are you) and you start second guessing things.

 

I'm asking this for myself but also just for research purposes:

 

Even if you know that you love this person dearly, despite the nitty gritty of the relationship (nothing awful, just normal imperfections), is it natural to ask yourself if you're settling?

 

I know that some of you will say that if you aren't sure, then that person is probably not who you are meant to be with, but I find it hard to believe that every single married couple was 100% sure they were doing the right thing. I think it's a rare phenomenon to be that certain.

 

My best friend is getting married in January, she and her fiance have been through a lot (after 4 years together), and still she wonders if she is settling. The same goes for our already married friend. She loves her husband dearly, but sometimes she still asks herself if she settled (after 5 years together).

 

I'm nowhere close to marrying my boyfriend, but I do entertain the idea from time to time. Sometimes it makes me really happy, sometimes it makes me wonder if he's really the guy for me. I'm crazy about him. He takes care of me and wants to make me happy. He's still growing up, so am I, so we have our immature selfish moments (him more so than me) at times, but we deeply care about one another. I guess I just get nervous sometimes and I want to know if this nagging little feeling is there for a reason, or if it's just something that will always kind of be there because it's human nature.

 

Any examples or advice or anything is welcome. Thank you.

[thejigsup]

If you are perfect, then and only then, are you allowed to expect perfection in others. If you cannot accept human failings and start to feel you are settling, you are nowhere near ready to have a committed relationship. You are young, go out and have fun! You have the rest of your life to be ready for a long term relationship.

[PushingDaisies]

I think its normal. Its human nature to second guess things.

[rosephase]

wow that is a little scary. I'm not sure if I would get married if I thought I might be settling. I feel sure with ever inch of me that I am with the right person, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with right now... I know I wouldn't take that step if I wasn't sure. I mean to be fair I might not take that step even though I am sure. Marriage isn't my thing, but I would hope most people wouldn't be worried about settling.

[keenan]

I think it's pretty common. Even if your partner is gorgeous, smart, funny, warm, sweet, and charming, he'll still fall short of your ideal on some dimension or another. The trick is knowing how big to let that space between "real" and "ideal" get...and how many of those spaces to allow.

[knightingale]

If you are perfect, then and only then, are you allowed to expect perfection in others. If you cannot accept human failings and start to feel you are settling, you are nowhere near ready to have a committed relationship. You are young, go out and have fun! You have the rest of your life to be ready for a long term relationship.

 

Well, some of it has to with some of the things he says to me. He tells me I'm perfect, that I'm too good for him and that he doesn't know how I put up with him sometimes and he hopes he doesn't screw it up because he can't lose me. I think he's crazy for even assuming I'm anywhere near perfect, but I thank him for the compliment all the same and tell him to stop talking crazy. I tell him that I love him for who he is. He treats me better than any other guy ever has and, like I said, he wants to make me happy which is more than any other guy has ever done for me. I know that I'm not perfect. I know that he's not perfect. I'm fine with that. I appreciate that. But he plants these ideas that I could do better than him and I have a brain that never turns off so it can get the better of me at the times when I'm mildly frustrated with him, and it makes me get mad at myself for even thinking about it.

 

I asked some of this based on my friends, though. This is not solely about me.

[jettison]

My personal opinion, and it won't likely be a popular one, is that if you are "100% sure" about your partner, no matter how great they may be, you are either blind, in denial, or perhaps mentally handicapped in some way. The very nature of every relationship is that it is always on the rocks. In some way, it's halfway towards failure. You cannot have only one side of a coin. They all have two sides. Doubting is normal. Freaking out is normal. Unsatisfied = normal. It will be this way with everyone, forever, unless again, you are delusional.

 

Long live delusion!!!!!

[knightingale]

wow that is a little scary. I'm not sure if I would get married if I thought I might be settling. I feel sure with ever inch of me that I am with the right person, the person I want to spend the rest of my life with right now... I know I wouldn't take that step if I wasn't sure. I mean to be fair I might not take that step even though I am sure. Marriage isn't my thing, but I would hope most people wouldn't be worried about settling.

 

Then you fall in that small percentage of people who go off the "when you know, you know" idea. I think that's wonderful. But I don't know if I'm being cynical or realistic in saying that few people experience that.

[knightingale]

My personal opinion, and it won't likely be a popular one, is that if you are "100% sure" about your partner, no matter how great they may be, you are either blind, in denial, or perhaps mentally handicapped in some way. The very nature of every relationship is that it is always on the rocks. In some way, it's halfway towards failure. You cannot have only one side of a coin. They all have two sides. Doubting is normal. Freaking out is normal. Unsatisfied = normal. It will be this way with everyone, forever, unless again, you are delusional.

 

Long live delusion!!!!!

 

This is how I feel! I guess I just wanted to make sure I wasn't crazy. So far, I'm not. Whew.

[jettison]

Then you fall in that small percentage of people who go off the "when you know, you know" idea. I think that's wonderful. But I don't know if I'm being cynical or realistic in saying that few people experience that.

 

Riiiight. "When you know, you just know." Then, 3 years later they're broke up and they hate each other." I've never understood how people can be so sure about someone in this way. You have no idea about the future. You only now that neither your circumstance, nor your demeanor, nor your emotions, nor your attitutudes will remain static. You know that one or both of you will grow, that potentially, one or both of you will stagnate, and most assuredly, one or both of you will have changes in heart.

 

And yet, when it's good, it's just soooooooooo good. Blindingly good. And for a few months, and sometimes a few years, and sometimes a decade and a half, you're simply for sorry for anyone else that is not you or your wonderful significant other. And then, without your approval or awareness, something breaks, it all changes. It's dead. What you were so "sure of", what you "just know" about is that you love this person now, and that you'll love them for as long as you can, and you'll try your best.

 

These are the same confusing thoughts that crossed my mind in 3rd grade when the teachers would hand out the "What do you want to do with your life?" assignment and 90% of the kids are frantically scribbling with their number 2 pencils, "Doctor!", "Lawyer", "Veterinarian!", "Gynecologist!". What? How can you know? I always looked at everyone's faces to see if I could tell that they were lying. Nope, they appeared to be convinced. "Do you even know what a lawyer does?" I wondered?

 

I think that people just jump, and that they tell themselves that they are "sure" of things because not to be sure, to be in doubt, is maddening for people, it's not sexy, and it comes off as wishy washy perhaps. "Being sure" is a cherished human trait. We value it. It lessens anxiety and puts you on a distinct path.

[keenan]

He tells me I'm perfect, that I'm too good for him and that he doesn't know how I put up with him sometimes and he hopes he doesn't screw it up because he can't lose me.

 

Is it possible that you're actually perfectly matched, but that one of his faults is either overvaluing you or undervaluing himself? What I mean is, there are two ways of looking at this. One is that you're actually settling; the other is that you aren't settling, but HE THINKS you are. If that's the case, then when he opens his mouth and says things like "I'm not worthy," you need to block that out and hear "I'm a really sweet, humble guy who thinks you're so amazing that I can't see straight."

 

If you're really settling, your friends or family will usually let you know.

 

Of course, if he's really constantly badmouthing himself, that can get annoying. You could somehow boost his ego and also tell him that you really like it when he shows confidence.

[keenan]

Riiiight. "When you know, you just know." ...and sometimes a decade and a half, you're simply for sorry for anyone else that is not you or your wonderful significant other. And then, without your approval or awareness, something breaks, it all changes. It's dead.

 

 

Whoa. Jettison, you've lived my life!! Spot on.

[rosephase]

I'm not saying I know the future, or even who I am going to be in 5 years. What I do know is right now I don't doubt my relationship at all. I'm not saying there is no way that could change... that is crazy talk. What I'm saying is _if_ I thought I was settling I wouldn't do it. I don't think I'm settling. Right now I feel like this is the 100% right person for me. And I don't know how you could get married without that thought. Even knowing things change, and people change. I wouldn't go into something already feeling like it might not be what I want.

[jettison]

I'm not saying I know the future, or even who I am going to be in 5 years. What I do know is right now I don't doubt my relationship at all. I'm not saying there is no way that could change... that is crazy talk. What I'm saying is _if_ I thought I was settling I wouldn't do it. I don't think I'm settling. Right now I feel like this is the 100% right person for me. And I don't know how you could get married without that thought. Even knowing things change, and people change. I wouldn't go into something already feeling like it might not be what I want.

 

That's the rub... no matter how in love we may be, some people never lose doubts. They are always there. And for those people, those people that cannot live in the land of puppy dogs, and rainbows, and perfect summer days, they may go their whole lives avoiding relationships simply because "it just feels wrong. I'm just not sure."

 

I don't doubt that you don't doubt. And I'm sure that feels great. Hey, I've been there... several time. I know. It's a great feeling.

[keenan]

Right now I feel like this is the 100% right person for me. And I don't know how you could get married without that thought.

 

It's awesome that you're 100% certain. Congratulations, for real.

 

Sometimes--and not necessarily in your case, being 100% certain is a product of not knowing what you're missing. Having been down the 100% road and watching it crumble after a decade, I now know that there are issues that are invisible or irrelevant when you say "I do" that become *very relevant* later in life. If I'd known that, I would have also known that my 100% was actually a 65%...and those are significantly worse odds.

 

Sometimes being 90% certain might be enough, if the things that you value most (honestly, loyalty, integrity, kindness, shared values) are encompassed within that 90%. The stuff in the other 10% might end up being fairly trivial over the long-haul.

[knightingale]

Is it possible that you're actually perfectly matched, but that one of his faults is either overvaluing you or undervaluing himself? What I mean is, there are two ways of looking at this. One is that you're actually settling; the other is that you aren't settling, but HE THINKS you are. If that's the case, then when he opens his mouth and says things like "I'm not worthy," you need to block that out and hear "I'm a really sweet, humble guy who thinks you're so amazing that I can't see straight."

 

If you're really settling, your friends or family will usually let you know.

 

Of course, if he's really constantly badmouthing himself, that can get annoying. You could somehow boost his ego and also tell him that you really like it when he shows confidence.

 

So far everyone likes him, so we're okay in the department.

 

Luckily, he doesn't say things like this to me all of the time--you're right, that would get annoying. He only says it when he knows he's been obnoxious (because, heh, he is) or something to that effect and he wonders how I put up with it. I'm just really patient, I guess--which is funny because I've always though myself kind of impatient. But also I grew up with four older brothers so I'm kind of used to guys being nuts.

 

It does get to me a little sometimes, especially when he's been drinking and he's just being insanely loud, but I just let it slide because, well, I love him. I'm kind of used to it now. Sometimes, when he's been acting that way, he'll look at me being all quiet and patient, waiting for his crazies to pass, and tell me that he loves me.

 

I really want to believe, and usually do, that we balance each other out perfectly in our differences and suit each other in the best way that we can.

[bmwm3]

I hear and see this problem all the time... we live in this instant gratifiction world.. we always want the best and the most.. things are never enough for people...

 

i have seen many people and guilty of it my self... be in a rel with a good looking women, treats me nice has good things to offer... and only to find faults in that person.. oh he or she doesnt look good enough.. or whatever...

 

same thing with women... have seen many have bf that treat them well.. not cheat on them... then they question oh maybe i can find someone just a little bit better looking or somebosy with a little more money..

 

this is prob one of the main reason i am 28.. and not married.. i have been guilty of this and why i have not allowed myself to fully get close to someone... and i believe this is why the divorce rates are so high...

 

people cant just say ok.. i have found the right parnter.. not setteling.. but when you find someone that has all the qualities.. then say ok this is it... no people right away assume. if i got this i will get better.. and thats not always the case...

 

this is one of the reason i dont have faith in marriage or that i will ever find the right person.....

[soulmeetsbody]

I think it is normal. That kind of doubt is always scary but normal. And no one is ever sure, people and feelings change over time. I love my bf to death but I know how suddenly the end can happen.

 

Love, affection and level of commitment are like waves, they'll always be there if two people love each other but sometimes they drop slightly temporarily, then come back up then they'll drop again... After big life changes and/or conflicts with your SO, it's easy to re-evaluate the situation and question the relationship but it usually fear of commitment or bad memories from the past that would cause us to doubt. If a big commitment is made, or an event reminds us of a feeling of rejection or abandonment we felt in the past, we can admit to ourselves we're not 100% sure... but that's human. It's healthy as long as it doesnt become anxiety and as long as the two people know they love each other.

 

Also I think it is more about expectations more than anything. For example, a couple can have a perfect 3 years together, then they get engaged to get married, then after an argument they reassess everything when, if it happened before the engagement, it wouldnt have been such a big deal.

[Batya33]

The "you know when you know" can happen - sure - there are those couples who "just knew" "it was right" and after 50 years still know it is right - but more often -- those couples who just know are the same couples break up and not because of abuse, cheating, etc but more often because they got to "know" the person and then they "didn't know."

 

I am far more impressed with the Non-Smug-Married who are comfortable sharing with me the doubts and insecurities they had/still have because it gives me so much more comfort to see them together, committed, loyal, happy (if not all the time, much of the time) and to believe that humans can be happy in committed long relationships. The "we just knew" said in that smug way with the "what do you mean you aren't sure?" much of the time doesn't seem real or seems -- if you look underneath - that the "knowing" also came with relief at not having to be single anymore, etc.

 

Having said that, I make it a point never to ask personal questions about the relationship once it is serious/engaged - I let them come to me - because I don't want to pry and because as I am sure many of you have experienced, once the ring is on the Wall goes up, there is no more sharing about the bad stuff - and most sharing is about china patterns.

 

When I have "just known" there's been the following similarities 1)we barely knew each other; 2) I was infatuated. But, as those of you probably know, it's a powerful feeling - and it's yummy, fun, makes you want to be smug but i learned to keep it in perspective while enjoying it.