Have not confronted cheating x-girlfriend

[dafool]

My relationship with my girlfriend of 3 and half years recently ended after a horribly painful 2 month ordeal and attempts at reconciliation. It all started when she returned from a European business trip to tell me that she needs a break and that she may be moving to London with her work. While we had some problems, our relationship had generally been very happy, supportive, and loving up until that point. We had been living together for over 2 years, had moved to NYC for our careers, were inseparable when not traveling for work, and were making plans for the future.

 

When she returned from Europe she was a different person. I initially asked her point blank if she had met somebody there and if anything had happened, which she denied. I didn't want to believe anything had happened, but something felt very wrong and she had a very lively online presense, so I decided to take steps to find out for sure and broke into some of her online accounts. I feel like a bastard for crossing this line but I was desperate. Initially I found nothing, but a few weeks later I thought to check a new and seldom used account and what I found literally sent me crashing to the floor in pain, disbelief, and utter shock.

 

In there was a diary entry of a wild night she spent with some guy who picked her up at her hotel bar in Europe..quite the play by play. The entry read that she is used the one night stand as a catalyst to exit an unsatisfying relationship. If that wasn't bad enough, further down were replies to online personal ads from guys looking for submissive women. She had sent photos, descriptions, contact info...this was not just some fantasy flirt, she clearly wanted to meet these people. And as a final slap in the face, in many of these emails she said that she broke up with me because she likes to be submissive in bed and I didn't take enough charge. That and she couldn't ask me to do some of the things she had been fantasizing about. I should point out that the ad emails were all sent after we had a big fight in which I told her that the relationship is over, although we were still living together. It’s like she couldn’t wait to get out there and sleep with other people.

 

The irony is that lukewarm sex had been our biggest problem, but I always wanted more. In our 3 plus years together she almost never initiated sex, we’d sometimes go for a week or more at a time without it (sometimes much longer than that), and while she seemed to enjoy it when things got going, it was never very wild. The girl is gorgeous, 5'10'', long-legged, dancer, and I found her sexually irresistible and wanted to do it all the time if I had the choice. This had become a source of big frustration for me and I had had numerous discussions about it with her trying to figure out if I'm doing something wrong, if she wants something else, if she's not attracted to me, etc, etc. Her responses were always that this is how she is, that she loves me and is attracted to me, that I need to be patient, that she just doesn't need it as often, and on and on... I came to believe that she was a bit prudish and had a low sex drive, but part of me also became inhibited by the thought that she was not sexually attracted to me even though she always denied this. And so now there I was, learning that she had given at least 1 total stranger many of the things I had wanted all along.

 

The sheer pain at the betrayal and the realization that I didn't really know the person I thought I knew is overwhelming. In my mind she was a sweet, down to earth girl and I couldn't in a million years imagine she could have done this if I hadn't seen the evidence. But to see the relationship collapse for the very thing I was trying to fix all along, and getting blamed for it, is quite mind numbing. It appears that she became so horribly unhappy with our sex life that she just went nuts, but it is she who never properly communicated her desires. It's horrible to think that the relationship collapsed because of horrendous miscommunication. Her excuses for the break were always vague and related to other factors, no mention of this stuff whatsoever, so she kept quiet about this to the end.

 

Needless to say, everything has collapsed. I moved out and moved to the other coast to get as far away from her as possible and closer to home and family. She is leaving for the UK soon to start her new job and nothing can stop that. But to this day, I haven't confronted her. I just chose to pick up and leave without anything said to preserve my dignity and fond memories of 3 very happy years of my life without having a horribly ugly fight at the end that wouldn’t have changed the outcome. Even though this is quite delusional, that's what I thought would make me feel better, make it easier.

 

The problem is that now I'm getting depressed because of it and it doesn't help that we still talk and chat online from time to time. All I think about is confronting her with my knowledge, yet I can't seem to do it. I think it's a fear of a total break, of the nastiness that would ensue, not wanting to be accused of spying because of how I got my information, or I might be clinging on to some insane hope that there is still hope, which is pathetic. At this point, I'm just thinking about what would make me feel better, and to be honest I don't know. I loved this person so much, and still do, I put so much faith in her, and I don't know what to do. She has emotionally pummeled me and turned my life upside down...it's so strange that I should feel this way...

[avman]

Well if you had a fight before she left and you told her the relationship was over - then it looks to me like you were already broken up. She's not cheating on you in that case. She's single and she can do as she pleases.

 

I don't think confronting her is going to solve anything really. This is something you are just going to have to put behind you and move on to a new relationship. I know it hurts to find out what she did in Europe but it really wasn't any of your business. You broke into her accounts.

[cs90453]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I found out the same way with my wife about her affair. From what you described, our sexlife was exactly the same way. I know myself, I couldn't help but feel responsible because I didn't talk to her about sex and instead didn't pressure her at all. If we only talked before she resorted to going outside of the relationship things may have been different. But I later realized that it was her that clearly had bigger issues and decided to go outside to rememdy that. So don't beat yourself up over her choice. Unfortunately you are left holding what's left of what you both had. Talk about it until you learn to except the loss and take care of yourself. All the best.

[IMAbadman]

Dude that sounds like a terrible story and sorry for your troubles. Seriously though, kick that dog to the curb.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She is sending emails to all these people in the hopes of getting lucky...in other words, she is creating a fantasy of herself which she is selling to these other men so that they will be enticed. She knows the truth of the matter that she was the one who put the brakes on the sexual relationship between the two of you but if she says that in an email to potential fbuddies, they will run away...so she creates this personna that she was a wild woman who was in a boring marriage with a man who "didn't take charge". So many people lie when they are looking for sex. I bet the issue is really that she was unhappy within herself so she decided to become this wild sexual being in order to make herself happier. Guess what...eventually this will all come back to bite her on the butt as she realizes what she actually gave up for random sex with strangers. All of this "acting out" is her way of trying to cope with self-esteem issues. She is lying and fabricating a personality in order to sell herself. So as hard as it might be, do not internalize this and assume that what she wrote is how she really feels about what happened in the relationship...this is simply how she is trying to justify to her conscience and to the potential fbuddies why she is doing what she is doing. I would suggest you cut contact with her completely and walk out of her life. You can't assume that she never cared about you...this complete about face in her behaviour is all about her own issues. Remember, it is not as if she met someone else and is starting a relationship with them, this is about her suddenly prostituting herself to strangers...that says a lot about her being messed up and going off the deep end.

[hockeyboy]

Well if you had a fight before she left and you told her the relationship was over - then it looks to me like you were already broken up. She's not cheating on you in that case. She's single and she can do as she pleases.

 

I don't think confronting her is going to solve anything really. This is something you are just going to have to put behind you and move on to a new relationship. I know it hurts to find out what she did in Europe but it really wasn't any of your business. You broke into her accounts.

 

It sounds to me like they were together when she went to Europe and it sounds like she cheated on him then. So I'd say she did cheat on him and that is his business.

 

With that said, I agree, there is nothing good to come of confronting her about it. Confronting her would probably just ease some of her guilt and make you look more like the "bad" guy. Regardless if you confront her or not, this is going to hurt, but in the long run I think you'll get over it quicker if you just let it go the best you can.

[george237]

That's why you never try and find out if someone was cheating. It's better to think something happened then know for sure.

 

I am sorry.

[avman]

It sounds to me like they were together when she went to Europe and it sounds like she cheated on him then. So I'd say she did cheat on him and that is his business.

 

Could be. I was reading this part of the post:

I should point out that the ad emails were all sent after we had a big fight in which I told her that the relationship is over, although we were still living together. It’s like she couldn’t wait to get out there and sleep with other people.

 

But if that was after she went to Europe then yes I have misunderstood so I'd take back my comments that it wasn't your business.

 

Still though, I am sorry this happened to you. I think confronting her won't help. It might make you feel better for a short period but will certainly destroy any cordial contact that you have now. Put it behind you and find someone much better who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

[dafool]

Thanks for all the advice guys. Crazyaboutdogs, I am especially impressed with your insight, are you a professional? You nailed the self-esteem issue dead on the head. I didn't want to get into everything for the sake of time, but much of my relationship was concerned with coddling her insecurities. Many people who know her detected her insecurity and were turned off by it. She is a very confused person who is struggling to find her identity, and she sometimes talked about some of these struggles. What she had built online is exactly as you say, a persona, and I realize that and try not to let it get to me, but it still hurts. She had been built a bit of a party-girl persona on Myspace and Facebook and we had some arguments about it after which she toned it down. That was a big red flag and I should've have paid more attention to it.

 

Just to clarify, we were definitely together when she went to Europe and did her thing. The fbudy emails started going out literally the day after we fought. I guess we were broken up based on what I had said in utter frustration during our fight, but to do this the day after? In fact, on a latter day, she sent out one of these emails a few hours before emailing me to tell me that she misses me and asking if we'll be be able to work it all out (I was on a business trip at that point).

 

Anyway, I realize that she cared about me and probably still does. She had many good qualities and I don't want to make her out to be a total psycho. I got pretty bogged down in my own problems, career stuff, finances, my mother came down with cancer, and I got very stressed out and became not too fun, nothing bad, just feeling stressed and a little down. Most of her reasons for the breakup had to do with these issues, and in my mind I found this to be a total letdown. She was supposed to be there exactly now, when I needed her the most. Just so unexpected...or maybe I just ignored the signs. And so deeply disappointing.

 

It seems that the consensus is not to confront her. I agree on many levels, but I don't know if I'm strong enough. I think part of me wants to shame her and produce a little anxiety in her. She cares a lot about what people think, as very insecure people do, and we have many friends in common including people she works with. I was close to her family, and knowing that I know would probably freak her out. I know it's destructive and might even make me feel worse as it would probably end any cordial relations as someone else pointed out, but I suppose all contact should end anyways.

 

Thanks again for the encouragement...

[ultrapuggy]

TV and society might have given her false hopes of having a wild girl's life. Many people try to fool themselves into living a celebrity sex-with-no-strings life because that is what a lot of shows and magazines are about. Does she have a close friend who is "living the life" and partying a lot?

 

Just a guess, chances are she does. That life always looks amazing if you have not tried it yet. She probably never tried it because she is too insecure. This happens more and more these days.

 

Honestly though, if you want to plant a seed, I would guilt her in a conversation where you are the victim. Do not come off as accusatory whatever you do. Do not implicate that you invaded her privacy. Instead, poise the idea that she might be seeing someone else and that you can tell. Even better, you saw one of her ads. THEN, leave and become successful on your own. Your own success is the best way to confront her.

 

Once she realizes that that life is for losers, she will find a way to contact you and realize how messed up she treated you. She will realize you are everything she had wanted but she let you go.

 

From there, it is really up to you what you want to do about it.

 

But, basically that allows you to regain your pride and control over the situation.

 

This is what I would do. In fact I have done it to someone who cheated on me. Now I am happily in a relationship and my ex is regretful and has learned her lesson.

[Kalika]

I think you should chalk this all up to a lesson learned. Clearly you care for her, but I don't see the point in continuing to talk to her every once in a while. Because even though she's far away, I'm sure that when the consequences of her behavior catch up with her, she will expect you to be there for her to pick up the pieces.

 

You can't fix insecure people.

 

That being said ... going no contact seems like it might be the right choice.. and I would seriously be questioning why you wanted to be with someone so beautiful but so insecure..

[dafool]

Thanks again for everyone's comments. Just to reply to some of them..

 

Ultrapuggy - Dead on with your friend comment. Her best friend in New York is single and seems to be going through at least 2 guys a month. You know how that NYC scene can be like, you're from there I see. I didn't want to judge her, but I worried about the influence....I should have paid more attention. As for TV influence, how's Rock of Love for influence...quality reality tv.

 

Kalika - I suspect you're right about what she will do when her actions catch up to her. And I have asked myself the question you pose about why I'd want to be with a beautiful but insecure person. Maybe her looks blinded me, men tend to have a weakness for that, but she did have many other qualities. Also, it took me a while to realize the extent of her insecurities and i suppose when you're in love you look at the other person through rose-colored glasses and try to fix what you see is wrong. but maybe you're right, maybe insecure people can't be fixed. definitely a lesson learned