Should couples have a degree of privacy?

[Uriel]

Ill try to be short and sweet:

 

Situation: me and my wife have been together for 2 years and married for 3, she goes to university (i am 23 and she is 22) and i work full time so that she can study then when she finished studying i will study and she will goto work. (thats the plan) =). WE have managed to save up about $60,000 in separate bank accounts and we live quite happy life.

 

However i was always bought up never to pry into other people's bank aco * * * * s or open peoples mail. but my wife will always look at my bank account and my mail (including E-mail) and question me on anything she feels unresonable.

 

For example if i spend $100 on a new xbox game she will talk to me as if im wasting money. I spend some cash at the casino with a mate again the same talk about not being responsible with money. Yet my bank balance grown by about 1.5 to $2000 a month this is after food and car and what not.

 

I feel i am a responsible husband but do you think im over reacting? I just feel that there is no need to check my bank aco * * * * or my Post or E-mail. I think couples should have a degree of privacy.

 

What dop you think ?

[SapphireNoir10]

No. Couples should have some privacy. You arent her child and she can't tell you what to spend your money on.

 

Do you have joint back account. Not for all money. Just for money for bills, groceries etc. So a joint account for everyday expenses, mortgage etc. THEN you should agree that the money in your separate bank accounts is YOURS to do what you want with.

 

Also dont let her snoop in your bank account and email. Thats not fair on you.

[keenan]

I think if it works best if couples have a shared checking account (for bills) and a shared savings account (for retirement or vacations or whatnot) and then smaller separate accounts for private purchases. The amount in the private accounts is a matter for discussion--is it a dollar amount, a percent of your income after bills or paid, or something different? This "mad money" is for you to spend however you want, without being challenged.

 

The trick in your situation is that your wife isn't bringing in any money, so she doesn't have her own private stash. In this case I would suggest that you talk about setting up one for her, too, and funding it. The understanding could be that when she starts working, she'll do the same for you.

 

(Don't make it seem like you're giving her an allowance or that you really just want to be able to buy porn and cigars without her knowing about it, lol...this will take a little tact if your wife is used to looking into all nooks and crannies of your life with a flashlight.)

[Uriel]

My wife has quite a bit saved up from when she was young, And no the accounts are not joined we have separate accounts which is our own separate money however she can borrwo my card or ask me for money and vice versa.

 

Its just seems so unfair i i never look into any of her spendings as i know she still has alot of money. And i will never open any of her mail either. I have talked about it but she is percistant that our money is together so we should look after it together.

 

Ah i wish the world was a fair place

[ShyKawaii89]

No. Couples should have some privacy. You arent her child and she can't tell you what to spend your money on.

 

Do you have joint back account. Not for all money. Just for money for bills, groceries etc. So a joint account for everyday expenses, mortgage etc. THEN you should agree that the money in your separate bank accounts is YOURS to do what you want with.

 

Also dont let her snoop in your bank account and email. Thats not fair on you.

 

I agree. Couples share a lot of things but there are also things that you need to keep private. Not because your hiding anything but because it's your life and just out of respect, you should each let each other have certain aspects of your lives that the other doesn't tamper with.

[Supa_gurl]

There should definitely be a degree of privacy. But don't tell my husband....he will disagree.

[keenan]

Huh. Well, I kind of see where she's coming from. If she's viewing this from a "building a nest" perspective, she wants to make sure that all the i's are dotted and t's are crossed, and nothing is going to waste. I used to be the same way. You still need your own money, but unless she really trusts you it might be hard to convince her that she can't have a peek at your accounts when she feels like it, though. You might just have to suck this up and draw the line at her giving you a hard time about it. Say that you want to set aside XX dollars per month for frivolity, and that she can see what you buy but that it's important to you to feel like you have some independence. Everything else belongs to the both of you, and you really value taking care of her, etc. etc. She's young, and she is probably quite organized and responsible, and she may also worry about you wanting to cheat on her. Your job is to ease her concerns and convince her that the desire to have a little freedom in this regard isn't an attack on her, that you aren't trying to undermine your relationship, and that you don't want to take advantage of her. Tricky stuff.

[tangi39]

Well, you are married- so, she does have a right to know.

Money is one of those issues that always comes up.

You have to learn to compromise.

Why does it need to be private anyhow ? Isn't your money all essentially going the same place anyway ?

Both partners should have equal say in finances. When you get married, you do have to start thinking of it as "your money" not my money and her money. You should be able to spend your own money, but she is allowed to express concern if she feels you are spending to much frivolously.

For example, if my husband was out of work, even though I'm the one working and earning money, I'm sure with our financial state, He'd be concerned about me spending $200 on an outfit.

It would be selfish of me to just say, "Screw you ! This is MY money. "

When you are married all major decisions should include your spouse.

You should have nothing to hide anyway.

[dream83]

I think your wife could let you have an x-box. There are bigger problems to be had in a marriage than one x-box. Besides, once she's working and she's going out and buying her Manolo Blahniks and Jimmy Choos (or whatever she's into), the shoe will be on the other foot...so to speak.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Of course couples are entitled to privacy.. Just because you get married doesn't mean you have to give up all of your rights to privacy especially since you are the one working right now and it doesn't seem you two are behind on anything if you have that much saved up? Am I right? If that's the case, maybe she's being a bit controlling of the money aspect. You both need to sit down and discuss it.

[Lana0120]

I think it varies from relationship to relationship. A lot of couples do check each other's bank accounts and a large number of couples actually have joint bank accounts. Personally, I would feel uncomfortable having my every whimsical purchase subjected to that kind of scrutiny though. I agree with keenan's post.

[Emernate]

My wife has quite a bit saved up from when she was young, And no the accounts are not joined we have separate accounts which is our own separate money however she can borrwo my card or ask me for money and vice versa.

 

Its just seems so unfair i i never look into any of her spendings as i know she still has alot of money. And i will never open any of her mail either. I have talked about it but she is percistant that our money is together so we should look after it together.

 

You are married. There should be no "my money" and "her money". It is now both of yours money.

 

If you want things to be fair, sit down one night together and make out a budget. Include discresionary spending for both of you. Otherwise you are going to be arguing about money long into the future.

[Deaths Kitchen]

Hmm, my take on privacy when it comes to relationship is completely different. That is not to take away from how others do it mind you.

 

If my partner kept checking up on my bank account and read my e-mails, I honestly wouldn't care. I have nothing to hide so feel free to read them if you're curious. If you find something that you're unsure of and you're suspicious, I wouldn't mind telling you what's going on. However, I do mind if they intently went through my stuff with the purpose to find something incriminating. It's kind of an insult. I wouldn't find it a big deal once though, just talk it out and we go along our merry ways. Of course this is barring naturally insecure people who continually checks up on their partner. Then that just gets annoying

 

As for the money issues, if I was married, I would have a joint and a separate account. The separate account is for my own indulgent spendings. Of course my partner is allowed to see what I spent it on because as I said previously, I have nothing to hide. It's just that they have no say/control on what I do with that money. The joint account obviously should have equal input from both parties.

 

I'm not sure if I understand your tone correctly, but it seems to me that you're more upset with her continually questioning you about your purchases more than it's about privacy. It's like you should be able to freely purchase them without anyone's approval because you are an adult right? Because that would bother me too if my partner kept nagging about what I bought.

[Uriel]

Interesting thought everyone.

 

I think a budget is a good idea after reading through the posts, Like the poster above i have nothing to hide however i dont like to be ridiculed for the spending of money. I would understand if it made an impact on our savings or our future but the fact of the mater is, it doesnt.

 

Another example i told my wife i took the bus to the city instead of walk, which cost's $4. And we live 20 minutes from the city, i could have walked but i didnt want to and then she got all mad and said i was bad with money.

 

Its just seems too over the top!

[charles89]

i dont think the issue has to do with privacy than it does about tolerating each other's spending habbits. she will eventually notice those xbox games anyways, and do you have to go shopping yourself to hide it from her?

 

she has to understand you need some entertainment, its the equivalent of her buying a new pair of shoes every week. my gf have a joint and separate accounts (joint for house savings in the future), but we know of every purchase we make because we would always talk about it or would be there as we purchase it. (not including lunch, bus tokens, etc.).

[tangi39]

I agree. You make a budget and determine "Fun Money" for each of you- just an amount- not what you should buy- It can be whatever you want.

It's not about what you buy- But if you spend exhorbitant amounts on fun things that aren't in your budget (it doesn't matter what it is) of course your spouse could be concerned. It's the amount, not the item. But if it is in your budget, you shouldn't be questioned about the item itself.

But I do agree, IMHO, once you are married you shouldn't have to keep anything secret anyway. (If they act overly untrusting or suspicious for no reason- different story) Especially in regards to things that concern you both like finances.

 

As far as other things beyond money-

My husband can read my email anytime he wants, I don't care- If he can't see what I'm writing then I probably shouldn't be writing it.

Again, I don't see what you would have to "keep secrets" about ?

There's nothing about me or my life that he can't know and vice versa. I got married because I wanted to share my life with him entirely. Why would I want to cut him out of aspects of my life ? If I wanted to have privacy, I wouldn't have gotten married. But that's just me, I believe in openess and honesty.

[tangi39]

Interesting thought everyone.

 

I think a budget is a good idea after reading through the posts, Like the poster above i have nothing to hide however i dont like to be ridiculed for the spending of money. I would understand if it made an impact on our savings or our future but the fact of the mater is, it doesnt.

 

Another example i told my wife i took the bus to the city instead of walk, which cost's $4. And we live 20 minutes from the city, i could have walked but i didnt want to and then she got all mad and said i was bad with money.

 

Its just seems too over the top!

 

 

It's really not. It sounds like a typical marital argument over money. Really very common. Frustrating, sure. Out of the ordinary, no.

Nothing I'd classify as "Over the Top".