BCC123 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Thank you for looking .. I really need some advice on this. I think this is pretty common and would really like to know others experience with this as well. My Story: My boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me 3 or 4 months ago. He needed some independence, find himself outside the relationship, said we could get together in the future, etc etc. We went NC. About 2 months after we broke up we ran into each other and started to be "friends" but occasionally still had sex. He said he still loved me, he has yet to have sex with someone else besides me because he said it feels wrong. He has kissed other girls though. After a while I got fed up with it and stopped texting/calling and trying to hang out with him because it only hurt me because I still wanted to be with him. After about a week of me not contacting him he starts texting/calling me, initiating conversations and asking to go to lunch. I never once called him or tried to hang out wiht him I would wait till he called me. This was about a couple weeks ago. Recently I thought our chances of being together again were getting better since he was doing this. So I asked and he says he doesnt know still and he likes being with me yet he likes being single as well. So my friends tell me that if I want him back I should ignore him when he asks to hang out and let him miss me and let him realize he needs me. But i think theres more than that. I think in my head that if I say no when he wants to hang out he'll ask someone else and that he will be with another girl because shes always there. When we hang out we act like were dating and I think that when hes with me is when he wants to be with me again, but when hes not with me he enjoys being single as well, so I dont think I should ignore him. Im confused and really need some advice on this topic. Does anyone have a similiar story where ignoring them either worked and or didnt? Thanks again for looking, any advice is appreciated. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I think the next time he asks you to hang out, you tell him that you are no longer comfortable doing that because you want a solid relationship with him while he wants to continue being single while still hanging out with you and acting like a couple. Explain that it is too confusing and difficult for you and that should, in the future, he want to re-build the relationship, you would be happy to get together with him, but at this point in time, since he is not interested in getting back together you need to move on and no longer socialize with him. This way you have told him how you feel and made it clear that you would love to be with him but his terms are not good enough for you. It by doing this he simply moves on to someone else, then he would have done it anyway and you would simply have prevented yourself from getting strung along indefinitely until he meets someone else. Link to comment
james_sx11 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 your friends are right. It will drive him mad. But... Its because you have him sex outwith the relationship. No wonder he is not commiting! If you want him back you definatly need to stop the sex. Link to comment
Stella Sleepwalks Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 I hate to say this but he wants sex without strings. He is letting you know, "I am single and I wanna keep it that way, but I still want to have sex with you." As for him telling you that he has not had sex with other girls because it feels "wrong" but he has kissed them...... You would think it would feel wrong just kissing them. It is his way of flattering you. Please don't believe him. Tell him that you will only have sex with him if you are in a relationship with him, and see how fast he runs away. His rule is: Stay single, have sex with whoever I want, whenever I want. Your rule is: Have sex only when in a commited relationship. Put a high value on yourself, and remember that sex doesn't equal love. Respect equals love. He is playing a very good game here, and you have lost control of it. Cut him off and use NC as a healing tool, not a way to win him back. He is enjoying the thrill of the chase when you ignore him, but once he's had you, he gives you the "I wanna be single" speech. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Honey even at McDonalds they make you pay for food before you get it. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 You're just showing him that you'll settle for the honor of still being there for him, even though he dumped you. He sees that he can throw you a crumb every now and then, and you'll run to him. Don't be his booty call while he dates others, and stop responding to him when he calls. He lost that privilage by dumping you. You need to take back the upper hand by showing him you have respect for yourself. Link to comment
BCC123 Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 Thanks for the advice guys .. heres some more about the sex thing. last time we got in bed together i told him i didnt want to because it wasnt good for me. he said that if i didnt want to it was fine. i asked him why he wanted to so bad and he said because it feels right and it felt like the right thing to do. i know that he just wants to the best of both worlds. i know he still cares for me and wants to have sex with me and be with me but without actually "being" with me. he keeps telling me that hes a lost cause and that he has no idea what he wants in life right now and is very confused. how do i help him make up his mind? how do i make him see that hes making a huge mistake (because i know he is). im not just saying this but there is no one that knows him better than me or that will love him like i did or put up with his BS like i did. he even tells me he wont ever be able to do or say 90% of the stuff that he does and says with me. he says that i am the only person that knows everything about him. i asked him the other night wouldnt he rather date his best friend who already knows everything abotu you? who your already comfortable with and can do everything around? he said hes not like that. he said he'll let me know as soon as he figures it out. SO CONFUSED!! Link to comment
ycmanvs Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 This is excellent advice because it works. Once you let him know that you would only have sex with him if you are both in an exclusive, committed relationship, you will see if he still wants to see you and be with you. I did this with my ex, and he ran away as fast as he could, once I stopped having sex with him. Maybe you will have better luck with yours. Link to comment
BCC123 Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 he used to talk to this girl from work right after we broke up and lately he told me he was trying to cut off his connections with her. he said everytime hes made out with a girl its just been at a party or bar where hes been drunk and its not that hes making out wiuth them beause hes interested ... do i even believe him? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 He could tell you anything to keep you sweet and in his bed. Don't buy into it...the bottom line is that you want a relationship with him but he doesn't want the same thing. He wants you at his convenience. Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Prescription: Take two Self-Respects every four hours and post again in the morning. Dr. Badman Link to comment
preciousgirl82 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Well I just finished being in a situation where I broke up with my boyfriend after 6 years and, because we still had feelings for eachother, we declared ourselves single but continued to hang out, cuddle on the couch, and even had sex once. Well, I was already seeing someone and wound up having sex with this other guy. When my ex found out he had an absolute fit. I couldnt understand why because we weren't dating. I soon realized that when you end things like that and not much changes between you and your ex, someone is liable to get hurt. He may not be having sex with anyone else now but he might and, how would you feel about that? IF it would bother you than this break up isnt as clear cut as you think it is. Either you two need to be together or stictly friends. If you do decide to get back with him I hope it's for the right reasons and not because you just miss him. Remember, if he has a desire to be single, be happy he at least gave you enough respect to tell you that. If you get back with him he may only wind up cheating on you if the single life is really what he needs right now. Good Luck! Link to comment
BrokenDuc Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 stay away from this guy, he does not know what he wants and is clearly using you... you are only setting yourself up for further heart break later when he is finished with you if he cannot commit Link to comment
IMAbadman Posted June 26, 2008 Share Posted June 26, 2008 stay away from this guy, he does not know what he wants and is clearly using you... you are only setting yourself up for further heart break later when he is finished with you if he cannot commit I'll second those thoughts. Find a man who wants to be with you and is commited to you. Link to comment
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