He doesn't say it any more

[Raindrops2007]

Hi. I've been with my b/f for one year. We are both in our mid 30's, both have kids, I am divorced and he is going through a divorce.

 

I know it takes a while to get to know someone properly, I've heard the saying "4 seasons", get to know them through spring, summer, autumn, winter. Things seemed perfect for the first half of the relationship, but the last 6 months he seems more withdrawn and less caring.

 

He was the first to say he loved me, after 3 months of being together. I love him very much and let him know by telling him and showing him how much I care. But I noticed the last 6 months he hasn't really said it unless I say it to him. I stopped saying it to see if that made a different, but he never said it. So last week I said I love you, when we were cuddling up and he said, you too. I was quite taken a back and said, can't you say it properly? So he then said I love you. So I asked him if he felt as if it didn't need to be said any more, and he told me that his ex used to tell him all the time and then when they split up she told him that she never loved him in the first place.

 

So he said he doesn't feel like he should tell me just to prove a point. I didn't get chance to talk to him properly, but feel upset as to why I should have to be made to feel like this because of how things turned out with his ex.

 

I can't really talk to him as he changes the subject, and clams up.

 

He doesn't really show his feelings in general so it's difficult to tell if he really does love me. :sad:

 

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

[rosephase]

You have a choice, you can trust and believe him, respect the issues he has with his ex, and be there for him while he deals with them. Or you can keep picking at him until he meets your needs. The first choice you will have to be strong and trust that he loves you and have faith that you are worth loving, the 2nd you will annoy him and maybe push him away, or annoy him and maybe get what you want. It's up to you.

[SapphireNoir10]

My boyfriend is like this, he believes that you shouldnt say it back just cos you feel you have too, you should say it because you WANT too. So you should question why he doesnt want you say it to you. Talk it through with him properly and say you'd like to know where you stand with him because you deserve love and affection.

 

Has he always been this way? Maybe he starting to take you for granted.

[darkpumpkin]

This is just my opinion and what I would do in your situation. I would just sit down and tell him that you do not deserve to be punished for sins of his past with his ex. You enjoy expressing your love and you need that from your partner. Expressing is not proving and it's very important to you.

 

Then leave it. Let him say his peace and give him some time for what you have said to sink in and then see. If he still doesn't change his behavior that you will have to decide if you want to be with someone who no longer says it.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So, how many times do you feel you need it said to you in order to feel secure? This is really your issue..as he has pointed out with regards to his ex, lots of people spew out the words "I love you" but don't actually feel it. How many people on this forum alone have been blindsided by ex's who were making daily declarations of love within days of dumping them and running off with someone else. I think you need to appreciate what you have in the relationship and not be so needy to hear "I love you's" all the time. Some people are just not built that way. Now, it is also possible since he is still in the midst of divorce he is feeling at loose ends and doesn't really feel in the mood of grand "I love you" statments. I would say cut him some slack and figure out what is missing in you that you need constant verbal reassurance...perhaps you, like him, are dealing with hangups from past relationships.

[HeartGoesOn]

It could be that he's having second thoughts about jumping into this realtionship so fast. He's not even divorced yet, and you've been together for a year already.

 

Maybe try taking a step back, and take things a little slower?

[Raindrops2007]

Thanks for all your replies so far.

 

Crazyaboutdogs, I see your point, but I only want to hear it about once a month or so, just now and then would be nice. Yes I feel I have some insecurities, but then don't we all at some point.

 

I do feel as if he is startint to take me for granted. I seem to be the one making all the effort, I've tried pulling back and seeing if he picks up the slack and it doesn't really make any difference.

 

I need to try and talk to him, but don't want to make an issue out of things.

[KAT MOMMY]

I too am a woman that thrives for constant reassurance of love but at the same time that is the way I am and it seems that you too feel the same way. What I have learned to do is pay attention to their actions. A man can tell you that he loves you but actually don't so why bother him to tell you when he doesn't want to? Give him space and trust it will come in the meanwhile I would just go off the way he makes me feel when I am around him.

[chasey]

I agree with kat mommy.

 

A man can show you he loves you in many ways and may hardly ever say the words.

 

actions speak louder than words

 

Anyone can say those three little words but physically taking the time to show you love someone can be alot more genuine and honest.