No contact rule -vs- pursuing the one you love

[benevolent]

I think I still need to feel convinced of the pros of the no contact rule. I've often talked to women and many have said that they want to be pursued and fought for. They feel that they need to be won over again. Some of them have even likened this to the movies - where the man runs through the crowded streets, in the pouring rain and professes his love to the women of his dreams. From what I have read so far, performing such a feat would only create a disaster. I guess I need to know why the no-contact rule works.

 

Another question I have is how does that rule apply, when there are kids involved? Obviously, there can't be much of a no-contact rule or can it? While they are not my kids, I did help raise my ex's kdis for over 3 years. We haven't seen each other in close to 2 months, but she did say she wanted to invite me over the last time we bumped into each other.

 

Finally, during the no-contact period, my ex has been the one who has initiated e-mails. I've noticed in the last few e-mails, she has asked how I am doing and I've either didn't answer the question or answered it and didn't ask how she was. Is this an indication that she wants me to ask how she is feeling so that maybe we can get the conversation started about us, the relationship, etc.?

 

She's also been throwing in a lot of "hope you have a good night, hope to hear from you, hope to..." lines as well. Is this a sign that she wants me to open up a little more, etc. I guess overly expectant me is waiting for her to say that she misses me. I want to say the same thing to her, but this no-contact rule is a pain in the butt.

 

At what point can I let her know that I miss her? When can I ask her out for a date?

 

 

 

I believe in the power of prayer. If we all pray for each other [and for me], then we can make good things happen.

[liltasha]

I don't really get the no contact rule either - to be honest I don't see why people keep going on about rules and the like - I wish people could just stop playing games with the people they're supposed to like.

 

For instance - guys keep going on about waiting a few days before calling. I hate it when that happens! I'd be much more impressed and keener about a guy if they called the next day!

 

Sorry this isn't much help to you (although if you do want her back, why not call and suggest meeting up? if she has lately been adding things like 'hope to hear from you soon' etc then perhaps she does want to start things up again. Give it a go - what have you got to lose.

 

Good luck!

[kuhl282000]

Hey Dude

 

I know where you are coming from. I just watched the Graduate the other night. As far as I'm concerned, the no contact rule is not a good thing in some cases. yours may be one of those cases. I have always believed that relationships are living things and if they are not watered....we'll hate to say it they die. I had to have the no contact rule in effect for me. Some things just go better un said. I would rather have been able to talk to her, but it just was not possible. If your getting emails, then you are talking. And just pick up the phone if you want. I believe the no contact rule, is for people who are obsessing. People who can't sort things out. People that are abusive. some people like the no contact just to make them miss you for awhile. I personally would rather be in daily contact, but sometimes that is just not possible. If you want to ask her out, we'll then go for it. Ask her out. If you were together and now you are apart. We'll their is a reason for that. And if you two can communicate then god bless you as the lucky ones. When people break up and try and get back together it just seems never to be the same or the way it was before the break up. But all things are possible in the name of love. Just be careful, and protect your heart. They do get broken.

 

Good Luck !!!! I hope you get the script you are seeking from her.

 

Kuhl

[neallo82288]

First, let me say that the "no contact rule" is where you do not initiate any contact, but if she does then go with the flow slowly.

 

Read this excerpt:

www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=16105

 

It should help explain the no contact rule and will help with the next phase in getting her back.

 

Good luck and best wishes for the coming months in getting her back.

[avman]

The whole point about the no contact is to get your ex to miss you. Look at it this way, the two of you used to be in contact all the time - and you broke up. So obviously continuing that course of action isn't working. This isn't a case of winning someone over for the first time, its a case of getting them back once you've lost them.

 

It is true that if your ex initiates some contact you go with it gently. You do not blow them off and say "sorry no contact". Thats not the point at all. You are simply giving your ex time and space to reconsider their decision. They can't do that if you keep after them desperatesly saying PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!! You would get sick of that too if you were in their shoes.

 

You also mentioned how that rule applies when kids are involved. Well obviously you will have to keep in contact to discuss parenting issues. The point there is to keep things strictly to parenting discussions. No begging to have dinner, no pleading to take you back, strictly business. Once again, if the ex starts pushing for more you can go that way. But let them take the lead.

[max]

benevolent,

 

I am doing the no contact rule simply because she broke-up with me. Why should I beg and plead for her simpathy? She wanted to be alone on her quest for the single life. I am not going to kiss someone ass to get back together. It hurts! I truly love her, but I refuse to make a fool out of myself. I wasn't perfect, but I was good to her. I am tired of feeling sad while she is out and about dating, kissing, and god knows whatelse!

[kuhl282000]

Brother

 

I'm with the Avman 100% and with the max 2 !!!!!!!! He knows what he is talking about.

 

We are fools when we are in love and we sometimes make real stupid moves. Make the right one, and good things may happen. The wrong one and your dead.

 

 

Kuhl

[vfunkera]

hey guys,

 

We are fools when we are in love and we sometimes make real stupid moves. Make the right one, and good things may happen

 

Love is blind. The trick is to learn from your mistakes in love and not make the same wrong decisions in your next relationship.

 

I think I still need to feel convinced of the pros of the no contact rule. I've often talked to women and many have said that they want to be pursued and fought for. They feel that they need to be won over again. Some of them have even likened this to the movies - where the man runs through the crowded streets, in the pouring rain and professes his love to the women of his dreams.

 

Love and the no contact rule is most certainly not a Hollywood movie. They'd like you to believe that that is what love is like. You've already ran and professed your love to them while you where together, especially when theres kids involved. You dont need to prove yourself. If they wanted your love, they wouldnt have just thrown it away to see if it came back, especially when you've got kids between you. People (and there are a minority) who do do that are only looking to take control of the relationship, and they are not worth bothering with any way. the truth is, something went wrong, they don't want you around anymore and so they split.

 

The no contact phase does not guarentee anything about them returning. It is there for you all to heal. Take them out of the picture, and stop their presense consistently bring back emotions and feelings for the ex. You have to use this time not to just sit around and wait for her to call. You've got to use the time to move on without them in the picture. It will also improve your chances of them returning. They will miss what you had and probably take it in hard that you are now willing to let them go and that usually brings them back. But worry about that when it happens. For now, No Contact means number 1- yourself!

 

Good luck

[latinstyle]

I have done both the no contact thing and the romance thing and they have both worked so now I am confused as to what to do. When she broke up with me 2 months ago, I did the pleading and begging thing for about a week and then stopped calling her. Still hurt, I tried to move on by dating and keeping busy. She then contacted me about a month later. Nothing import just lite conversation. After about 2 weeks of this lite chatting, we started hanging out more and talking more however, she said that her feelings about being together had NOT changed. Ever since then, she's called me about 95% of the time and has asked to hang out and even invited me over to her families house for Christmas. I still try my hardest not to call her and when we do talk or hang out I try to be the romantic type. I guess I am trying both methods I don't know.

 

Anyway I keep telling her I can't just be her friend and that my feelings are still there. I guess it doesn't bother her because she still calls and we still hang out. She pecks me on the lips and we hug often but nothing else. I am in love with this girl and I want her badly, what am I to do?

[avman]

I believe that it is simply not possible to be friends with your ex until you have healed. If she's made it clear that friendship is all she's offering you, then I suggest you do not get together with her for the next several weeks. Its obviously painful to you to know that she isn't going to give you what she did before. And it prolongs the healing process because you do not move on. You keep hanging on and hoping - so you never heal.

 

I know its painful, but just tell her you need some space and that you can't see her for awhile. It is likely she will understand.

 

Good luck.

[Langeveldt]

whoah am I glad i found these forums!

 

I actually didnt want to do the no-contact thing at all when me and my ex split. More suffering was the last thing i needed after being dumped, and we spent ages talking, we actually spent more time on the phone after the break up than before! I thought it was part of the healing process, just seeing her cheered me up, and i felt worse when I was unable too...

[latinstyle]

Well I made it clear and keep telling her that I cannot just be her friend. She knows that, and I know it's more than a friendship even though there is no affection or intimacy. The problem is that I know she is talking to someone else, and it causes me to be jealous and lose my composure sometimes.

 

I get mad at her and act like I am still her boyfriend, I mean it's only natural right. I think that is what is killing me, her talking to someone else. Wondering if he is going to take my place, or if he is getting to touch her when I'm not.

 

And if she likes him, why is she still calling me daily? I know I need to act like I don't care but it's very hard. I feel like if I cut off contact, she will have no choice but to go to another guy. I don't want to puch her away like that.

[benevolent]

10. Reach out and touch her

Yes, it sounds simple, but it is a cardinal sin to play too hard to get when the girl showed you the door, or vice versa, in the first place. Just because she would page you ten times a day when you were together, does not mean that she will call you once a week now that you're apart. She is probably somewhat shy and has men courting her anyway. I know, reality bites.

 

9. E-mail her

When I broke up with a girl circa 1996, I didn't even have a regular e-mail address, let alone have my ex's e-mail. Had I, we could have kept in touch and would have never drifted so far apart. I am not telling you to send her love poems in red font, but you can forward her an interesting article, a picture, even a simple note saying "hey, what's up?" (try avoiding the Bud version of wassup though).

 

8. Don't "frequent" other girls

I know it's tempting. She might understand if you date a girl, maybe even if you kiss her after the date. But if you want the girl back, don't go any further.

 

7. Don't ever forget birthdays or anniversaries

You are neither Brad Pitt nor Jimmy Dean, so don't play Joe Cool and hurt her forever by forgetting to call on her birthday. Every girl wants to be the center of the universe and treated like a princess, especially on their birthday. If you can, send her a card. If you can't, send her an e-card.

 

6. Call her every now and then

Again, uncertainty is to be avoided in life, finance and love. She'd rather know what you are up to than imagine you are with another woman. Comfort her by showing you care, that she's still in your thoughts, and always will be. The number 1 way to get her back is...

 

5. Analyze and study her

I hate to say it, but you need to be careful and attentive when she speaks. You are no longer sleeping with her, and there is an increasing façade that is being built between the two of you. So read deep into what she says to you, and what she doesn't.

 

4. Don't be jealous; be on the look-out

The best way to see how she feels about you after a breakup and what your chances of getting back are, is to see how she acts with other guys. Does she stand up for you when they put you down? Or does she take out the butcher knife and dig it into your back? Does she see her male friends to talk about the breakup, or is she making out with them in the car? You won't be told directly, but hints are there for the taking.

 

3. Don't play games

I know it's hard. I myself always tell people to be somewhat reserved. But that is one thing and playing games is a totally different ballgame. Signals are very important. As a result, you are better off emitting the correct signals to make the transition. Don't play with her, you don't want to mess her up for life.

 

2. Hold your cards to your chest

I know what advice I just gave; but nonetheless, keep your cards close. Why? Relationships are hard enough when you are together. But the real factor is power. Power is key in business just as it is in love. Give her too much power by saying those three words and you'll be whipped faster than you can say boo.

 

1. Stay in shape and improve yourself

Despite who actually did the breaking up, there were reasons. Make sure that you always hold your head up high when time goes by and improve on the things that she complained about. Why? You want her to regret her decision, right? What better way than to live life to the fullest and show her that you did everything that she said you would never do? That applies to love, life and business.

[Steve2usa]

If you have read my posts here you know that the girl I was seeing left the door somewhat open, by 1. Not taking the chance to tell me she did not love me anymore, instead by saying she did not love me right now. and 2. By telling me I could call in a few days if I wanted to be friends. I know she is hurting and God knows I'm torn up, But letting her go completely would kill me. It's been 4 days and I called her and left her a message, just telling her again how sorry I was for screwing up, asking her how she was doing and finnally getting to wish her a happy new year. I also keyed on a few points of how I felt about her and how I understand how things got to this point. I was not mushy, nor did I act like I was trying to pressure her or convince her to do something she may not be comfortable with. I now only have the hope that she will listen to the message and not just delete it and respond and open a line of communication. I know she can be the type to hide emotions and run away from problems, but I can still hope. Thanks for the 10 tips and I agree that it can work.