starry eyed girl Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 The reason I am posting this in the healing after breakup/divorce section instead of the dating section because we both are healing form rough separations. I’ll try to be as brief as possible. Thanks for reading this! I love a guy (we shall call him Phil) who just finalized his divorce a couple of WEEKS ago. I know it’s too soon, but I really don’t know what to do or think or make of this situation. The story is complicated so I think it is important give a little background info: I met Phil back in middle school - high school and had a huge crush on him for like 4 years (always the best friend never the girlfriend). Basically, he was my first love and I was the shoulder to cry on. He knew that I liked him, so it was somehow cruel and painful for me. We drifted apart for a couple of years and later in college Phil looked me up through a mutual friend we started chatting and we dated for about a year. We flirted a lot and had a lot of things in common, but I was obviously defensive and worried that he still looked at me just as friend (to be honest, I thought that he was just dating me because he was lonely but felt that he wasn’t all that into me, we never kissed or anything). Bottom line, nothing happened between us. My last year of college, I got a boyfriend and Phil stopped all communication with me for a year and a half or so. Then he contacted me again. At that time I was having some problems with my boyfriend Joe so Phil was now my shoulder (ironically). Phil once told me that he was in love with me and that he would always regret not telling me when he had the chance. I was really in love with Joe so nothing happened. A year later, Phil got a girlfriend. The weird thing is that we never quite stopped talking but we never went out again (I mean, if we were "just friends" there would be nothing wrong in going out together, right?) Four years ago we both got engaged (I first told him that Joe and I were getting married and a couple of months later Phil called me to tell me he was going to propose). I pretended to be really happy for him but deep inside felt that his fiancée was not right for him (maybe I got jealous, I don’t know). A year later, I cancelled my wedding with Joe. Phil got married. Phil and I stopped talking and just kept in touch for birthdays and holydays. My breakup was really hard and it took me a long time to get over it. I’ve got to admit that I though about Phil a lot after my breakup and wondered what would have happened If I had chosen him instead of my boyfriend. I pictured myself married to Phil. In my head he became the one that got away. So, we are both 30 now. A couple of months ago Phil calls me up to tell me that he is getting a divorce (his wife left him and he is devastated). I had a lot of mixed feelings; I was sad for him, secretly wished that now we could have a second chance, at the same time I felt scared because I did not want to be once again the shoulder for him to cry on. I reminded him that we had a history and that I couldn’t be there for him during his divorce. He insisted that I was his best friend and that he needed to talk to me. So I was there for him… I listened, gave him support. Did what I could but from a distance. But you know how this works. We went out once and after a couple of drinks he kissed me. I knew it was wrong but I kissed him back anyways. I freaked out afterwards and told him a million reasons why this was all wrong that he had not gone through his grieving process yet, that his divorce was just finalized recently and he needed time to heal (he has been separated from her just for three months or so). He agreed. After that things obviously changed. I just don’t know what to do. He does not want to lose me as a friend (one loss is enough for the moment, I think). I do love him and want him to be happy. It hurts me to see him so depressed. I am really scared. I think that this is the worst timing in the world. I don’t want to be a burden in his life. I don’t want to be a mistake. I don’t want to be the rebound. Above all, I don’t want to hurt him. HELP! What should I do? Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 If you don't think you will be able to keep your emotions in check then I would suggest you keep away from him until he has sufficiently healed from the break up of his marriage. You can talk on the phone periodically but not meet up with him. It is too easy for him to slip into a relationship with you out of lonliness. I could see you getting more hurt than him. He needs to process the demise of his marriage. If he was the one who walked away from the marriage because he didn't love his wife, I would have been more optimistic of the two of you coming together...but since he was devastated and heartbroken by the split, he is too vulnerable and will latch on to you. I am sure he has other friends he can lean on...sure you can be a support system to him...but not his main support because there is too much of a romantic history between you two. Link to comment
tangi39 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 He needs time to heal. Especially considering his wife left him. There's a LOT of issues that go along with trauma of that kind. He is no good for anyone right now. As the OP mentioned, I think YOU are far more likely to get hurt here. Step aside for now. If you really do love him, give him time. That is what he really needs right now. He needs a friend more than a gf. But you need to back off romantically. He is hurting, confused, lonely and I'm sure a little scared about the future. He needs to get himself together before even thinking about anyone else. For your own well being, cool your jets and give him space. Link to comment
ScenicBoy Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I feel for your situation. My most recent ex-girlfriend is someone who had not finished her grieving process after a divorce. Even though it had been two years since she left him, she still has some things to deal with. Hopefully, "Phil" will not need that much time. As someone who is dealing with the pain of being the next partner after a divorce, I can tell you that you definitely should give him all of the time to heal and a little bit more. Give him space, keep it plutonic, and do not offer promises of a future romance. Take the "we'll see" approach. You could be waiting for a year or more. It sucks, I know, but you have a much better chance of something real and lasting if you wait a while. Good luck. Link to comment
j0shua Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 having just recently divorced and healing from it, i second the posters above. it is incredibly emotionally confusing and he will most likely be all over the map, lonely, and filled w. low self-esteem. getting romantically involved will most likely end up hurting and confusing the both of you. take your time, be patient, and give him space. good luck and be careful. Link to comment
daylightisdying Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 Great thread. I wish I would have read this weeks ago. I was in a kinda similar situation 2 weeks ago. But mine was different because I never had a history with the guy. We had just met at work and he was recently dumped and was(is) hurting very badly. I got attached to him very quickly and he was clearly not ready to pursue anything and I got hurt very badly. If I could do it all again, I'd give him his space. Link to comment
starry eyed girl Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 thanks everyone for your comments. I agree. He needs time and space to rebuild. I know he loves me (at least as a friend) but he's far too troubled to think about my feelings right now. I keep reminding myself that he's just not emotionally available and he probably won't be for a long long time. I can be his friend and keep it platonic (I have been his friend for 15 years) But I do love him. I just don't know if I can handle being his friend and watch him move on with someone else. Or watch him fall for some rebound. It I don't think that there is a way you can protect yourself from this type of situation. But what should I do? We have been acting really "normal" after the kiss and the whole talk about him not being ready (I would like to highlight that I was the one that told him that he was not ready and he needed time). But somehow I feel something did change. He's more carefull now. He doesn't talk about her all the time around me now. There's something else, some kind of thin wall between us. Does this mean that our friendship will never be the same? should I still try to be his friend after what happened or would it just be more painful for both of us? I am very torn bout this. Link to comment
ScenicBoy Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 If you want some romance with this guy at some point in the future, then you can subtly position yourself as a potential lover/partner. I don't think that involves being his friend right now. I would really keep your contact with him limited to a few phone conversations a month. You will notice a difference when he is emotionally available for romance. Then go get him! You'll both be better off this way AND you won't see anything you don't want to. No point in being his rebound. Link to comment
lostandhurt Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 First of all you are a good friend to even post the question. Secondly you would not be a rebound because you do have more history than most people who get married! He is hurting badly and not thinking clearly that is for sure. His mind and body just want the pain to go away and you are the obvious choice. If you want to stay close but not to close you need to be honest with him and let him know what and how you are feeling and set ground rules for the friendship. I can tell you after my stbx was gone I really missed talking to a women that I was that close to. He will have bad days and really bad says with nothing to look forward to at times except friends and family to just be there and listen. Ultimately he has to choose to bring himself out and put the past where it belongs. How will you know? how will he know? how much time is enough time. When it starts to feel right with no regrets or "I want this but I know it is wrong" thoughts going through your head then you could be ready. You know he loved you years ago so that is not a question. You know you have a lot in common so that is also not a question. Once you both get to the place where you can both be in this relationship I believe you are actually ahead of most and should think of the positves as well. Above all be honest with him and take it slow. If he means that much to you and you to him you both can make this work. I wish you all the luck in the world lost Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.