Priority Vs Option

[WoundedHeart]

How can someone go from saying we are exclusive and he would make me a priority to saying 3 months later " Oh I have no claim on you . I don't refer to you as my woman ,but a friend I care about . You are free to date others ." ? I don't even know why I am asking this ,because the answer is staring me right straight in the face . I never really mattered to him .

Until last night, I believed we was on the same page about this , we was in an exclusive relationship,and working towards the same thing . I was just fine with not rushing things , but at the very least I thought we was exclusive . It hurt me to hear " Oh you are free to date others " This wasn't something that was just assumed by me ,we actually had the "exclusive " talk and decided to be so . It's a real blow to hear this and I have having a hard time dealing with it .

I am once again picking myself apart ,trying to figure out what is wrong with me . This is not the first time a man has said this to me . This is how the last 3 relationships before this one has ended with me being told that " Oh I just want to be friends , I don't feel that spark with you .The one that topped it all " While we have a great sexual connection , our personalities clash but I still want to be your friend ."I am feeling like I am good enough to sleep with but not good enough to love . All I want more then anything is for someone to love me and to let me love them . I have yet to find the one who will "let" me love them . I am a good person who deserves better ,but find myself with each relationship ,getting more of the same . I make them a priority , when I am only an option . How can I break this chain ? It happens time and time again and it is becoming a vicious cycle . It has damaged my self esteem to the point I question everything . It has made me even more suspecious about men in general .

The conversation got deep last night . I asked him if he sees things going further with ME , and he said evenually . I asked him if he could see himself taking the next step with me and once again he said evenually . He went on to say the problem with us could be timing ,because he warned me in advance that during the summer months he is VERY busy with his job . He did tell me that he is not seeing anyone but me and I know this to be true .He said he has past issues and just can't go up to a woman and approach her like " I wanna lay you ." He did say he thinks about me alot ,and there is a void when he doesn't talk to me on the phone . He has always been really good about calling me every day sometimes more then once a day and we see each other every week or so .

He has been hurt in the past ,as I have been , and I am all about going slow ,but I don't want to invest months into a relationship to find out that once again I am only a friend they sleep with . He did tell me not to get attached to him and I told him I still had my guard up and he said keep it that way .He kept stressing the fact that sex wasn't all he wanted and that wasn't the only reason why he was seeing me . He did also say one time that we was beyond the friends stage but yet now to say he only considers me a friend ,confuses me .

Don't know if I am really looking for answers as much as it was a need to vent . I have discovered men are WAYYYYYY more complicated then women . I would like a guys take on this . Please don't blow sunshine up my @ss ,give me your real thoughts of what this could mean .

Oh yeah I probably should add ,we met on a singles site . He answered my ad and we met within a week of starting to talk and been seeing each other every since .

I am wondering if he is saying all this to give me an out , to force my hand ,so maybe I will end it ,so he doesn't have to end it and he can retain his good guy status ? He admitted to me his last 2 relationships ended because he didn't spend enough time with them and they ended it . Is he trying to do that with me too ?

I wonder if I am being tested ,because he tells me all the time how hot I am and how men would be lining up to go out with me . I tease him back and say " yeah they are all lined up at my front door ,with a number . "which we both know isn't true .

He is geuninely a sweet man , and I really care about him but something in me has caused me to hold back on feeling anymore for him until I got some sort of sign that he was feeling more . I guess I got that sign last night that he isn't .

I wonder if the fact that I mentioned the other day that we have been seeing each other for 3 months ,has something to do with this change in him .

He did say he wasn't dumping me and that he would call tomorrow but what do I make of all this . I am sorry to go on and on but just trying to make sense of it all . Just to add ...he was the one who brought up this subject ,not me .Any thoughts .

[Day_Walker]

Well three months is a long time and things happen and he changed his mind. You make references to what happened in his past but that may have nothing to do with it, the situation can be as simple as he doesnt feel the same way as he did 3 months ago.

[WoundedHeart]

I understand that things change and he said all these things but yet after everything was said he stressed the fact that he wasn't dumping me . He said it bothers him alot that he is not able to spend time with me ,but he couldn't put a claim on me because he doesn't feel like he has a right . I was dealing fine with the fact that from April to October that he wouldn't be able to spend as much time with me, but I just need to feel that while we are taking it slow that we have the same objective in mind ,to evenually take it to the next stage . I already care about him a great deal , and I feel like I am starting to fall for him ,but I am just not prepared to say it yet, so I keep my guard up . I really want him to put that claim on me , I like knowing that I belong to someone and someone belongs to me ,if that makes any sense at all . Its a security thing .When he starts talking about just being my friend , I go back to a place that I have been to before with other relationships and it brings back all those insecurities . I have been told more then once that oh I just want to be your friend and it makes me feel like I am in a FWB and I end it . I am not interested in a FWB but a real committed relationship . While I don;t want to marry again , I feel two people can be in a loving committed monogamious relationship .

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This is a pretty clear statement: 'He did tell me not to get attached to him and I told him I still had my guard up and he said keep it that way.'

 

Maybe you didn't understand that, but if someone starts out telling you not to get attached to them, then that means they aren't attached to you, and don't want you to be.

 

And saying 'it is not just for sex' is a cop out and doesn't say what it IS for. I think he is after sex and occasional contact and a nice friendly date, but doesn't want to be responsible to you or tied down to any commitments.

 

You haven't done anything wrong, other than not really listening to what he says, comparing it against what you want, and then making hard decisions if the two don't agree.

 

If someone is telling you not to get attached to them, that means they want no attachments. If you want attachments, then that person isn't appropriate for you, end of story. So you should have walked the first time he said that, and told him to call you again IF he decides he wants a relationship because you don't have no strings attached sex with anybody.

 

Sit down and make a list of what you want in a relationship. You say very clearly: 'I am not interested in a FWB but a real committed relationship.' So this guy doesn't meet that requirement, so drop him and don't look back!

 

I think lots of people make the mistake of not really listening to what people say because they assume they want the same thing, or not really investigating things when people say one thing, but then behave differently. You have to take the stance that your life and your happiness are your responsibility, so you have a perfect right to 'interview' whomever you are dating to make sure you are on the same page, and to check the status of the relationship at any point in time.

 

If the other person is not taking you where you want to go, then cut your losses early and move on before you get too invested in the guy. He doesn't have to propose right away (and shouldn't), but he should acknowledge that he is happy in the relationship, happy with where it is going, and show signs of getting more involved rather than just circling around or backpeddling.

 

You want someone who is PROUD to be your boyfriend, and if he waffles around and makes noises about not getting attached etc., say to yourself NEXT! and just cut him loose and move on. If he wants casual sex/relationships, fine for him, let him get that somewhere else. You want someone who is emotionally involved with you, and don't settle for less.

[Excalibur]

Look - infatuation is 'your desire for me, attention to me makes me feel so great about myself, I can't get enough of you."

 

that's a time to revel in the feelings of giddy high about how wonderful the world is with this new view of self - but it's not a time to attach and commit and intertwine.

 

he told you flat out if he didn't feel this great about himself, his life and his potential after a period of time - he'd end the association.

 

If he thinks that "love" is feeling great about oneself thru the attention and adoration of someone else - he's going to constantly be hurt or disappointed.

 

This business of 'working towards the same thing" when in the context of a relationship - a relationship isn't a goal, it's not an identity marker, it's enjoyment of another person based on who they are and how you perceive them.

 

That can end at any point - each individuals' perception is their reality and the position from which they deal personally.

 

If someone values commitment, obligation, if they find value in compromise, consideration, and communication - then those two people when meeting might be wanting "a relationship" - but it'll take quite some period of time at least a year or more, before it is determine if you're dating someone with whom the relationship parameters and definition are shared.

 

Your pproblem appears to be that you don't know how to date - you know how to attach.

[WoundedHeart]

We talked last night and I told him how it hurt me to go from being exclusive to suddenly being free to date others and how it made me feel like I was a FWB . He told me that wasn't his intention at all and he was sorry . He just feels it is unfair to hold me to a relationship to him when he doesn't have time to give his all yet ,but he was very happy when I told him that I don't want to date anyone else . I told him that I am only interested in seeing him and that I was warned in advance about his job, and I am still around after 3 months, so that should tell him something .He admitted it did . I told him either I was to be considered his girl because I won't be a FWB , or I couldn't see him anymore . He told me he never once thought of me as a FWB and he is sorry that was the impression you got.

This whole conversation came from his own self esteem issues but I think we got it squared away .

[Excalibur]

You are so walking into a flaming arrow.

 

HE doesn't consider you FWB...to you that's a derogatory term of taking advantage.

 

He considers you someone he'sdating...but he's not ready to make a commitment to anybody yet, or to you specifically - and so this is just dating, and it could go on being just dating for years...becuase he doesn't want the obligation/commitment/compromise of a relationship in his life.

 

You do.....but if you think you're working towards a relationship ofcommitment and obligation by spending time iwth this guy who enjoys what is available in the moment, but has no desire for commitment in his future...you're outta your mind.

 

It's not FWB..it's dating...the two are nearly the same thing.

[WoundedHeart]

The only thing I wanted is to know that I am the ONLY one he is seeing,which I am the only one . He never once said in the conversation the other night that he wanted to see others, but was telling me it was ok if I did .I have a big big huge issue with only seeing one person at a time . I like knowing that I am the only person they are seeing ,and they are the only person I am seeing ,especially if I am sleeping with them . I am in no hurry to rush into a big commitment and I am willing to wait for it to grow to something more . If it doesn't , in a reasonable amount of time , I will move on . My main issue was feeling like I was a FWB, and not in a exclusive relationship with him ,which was not what I signed up for . Now I know I am not a FWB and I know why he said what he did .

[Excalibur]

It's hard to portray this objectively....but here's what I think he's saying.

 

he's not interested in a long-term relationship that involves obligation, compromise and communication. A relationship isn't just having additional income and a regular sex partner...it's about having to prioritize someone else's eneds, wants, feelings, and goals - along with your own.

 

he's stating clearly he's not wanting that - he doesn't see that in his immediate future based on his goals and plans. His remark was based on his either assumption or knowledge that you are looking to evaluate someone as a potential partner and comingle your life with them. The remark was made to interact with you as an adult - put you on notice he's not into commitment, and he doesn't want backlash or blame in 3-9-12-24-36-48 months from now when you tearfully claim "but we've been dating all this time, surely you're ready for a commitment."

 

 

Dating is all about in the moment excitement, enjoyment, companionship, sex, and fun - whatever is mutually agreed to do, in that moment, it's only about that moment in time.

 

Most people that are not wanting a relationshp - aren't lookingt o date alot of people. Dating takes alot of time. People that are wanting to form a relationship are smart in dating alot of people to evaluate what they want, to get to know other people objectively and see if there is a match potential.

 

It's like winning the lotto - if you onlly buy one ticket a week the chances of you winning are very very slim. If you buy 100 tickets a week, your odds improve. Same with dating.

 

So someone NOT wanting obligation, commimtnet, and compromise to thier goals and plans - is not wanting to date alot of people. They don't have time ot involve with that many people that often, and they don't have time to do the shuffle and reschedule.

 

They like knowing that theyr'e dating someone exclusively that understands that until they want any type of involvement, there is no obligation to that person, their needs, feelings, or desires.

 

You like dating one person at a time - which is fine. But if it means that you are attempting to "make the person you're dating want a relationship" every time you date exclusively for months or years while not having a commitment, then it's you that is doing yourself no favors.

 

So you're dating someone who doesn't see his life going in a "couplehood" direction for a long time, if ever. Which means that he's free to enjoy what you two share, without evaluating what it means, or could mean, or where is this headed. He's not interviewing you to see if you're a good fit for his present and future.

 

If you're doing that - stop.