desiree81 Posted June 22, 2008 Share Posted June 22, 2008 Hi all, it's my first time posting here. Just to tell you a bit of my story and would like to hear what you say about grieving stages. My ex broke up with me after 2.5 years, 1 yr of which was LD because I had to move to another country. Towards the end it was hell for me since he kept emotionally withdrawing himself. Whenever I asked him to explain his behavior he always went like, "I don't know". And last year in December I said to him that if he would treat me coldly then I rather not visit him but he said he still wanted to see me. I went, and the second day when I was there he broke up with me! It hurt, but I held my head up high and kept myself busy by going out. During that time he decided that he wanted a break instead of a full blown break up. I accepted without a doubt and then went back to my country. There I suffered from depression while waiting for him to decide if he wanted to be with me. Couldn't help but called him again just to talk, and he said he didn't want to let me go ever again.... and THEN two months later he broke up with me again just days before when he was supposed to visit me. It really hurts. I was angry, disappointed and hurt, needless to say. He said he still cared about me but he couldn't do the LD thing any longer and he needed time to figure himself out. I wanted closure by seeing him in person or even just on webcam, but he didn't let me have mine. I thought it was unfair since he had me to fly all the way there the break up with me and now I just want a little closure and he wouldn't let me.... Anyway, I thought, heck, I will just create my own closure so I started the NC after two e-mails just to let him know how much I had cared for him and I still wished him well and all that. Few weeks later, got an e-mail from him asking how I was. I ignored him. Two months later, another e-mail from him asking how I was and also told me how he was. Nothing too personal just work stuff. It took me a whole week before deciding if I wanted to break the NC and answer him. During that week I felt so stressed that I vomited twice over-thinking the situation. Eventually I decided to reply to him, and be civil and polite without being either warm or cold. Then he e-mailed back about how he wanted to move to somewhere else. I felt that, NOW you want to move, but I don't want to know where since you decided not to move to where I am now. So I stopped replying. That was the only time when the NC was broken but we didn't exchange anything personal at all in those e-mails. Anyway, the 6 months of NC have done me good. My perspective has changed and I realized that he wasn't strong enough for me. I kept myself active and have accomplished a few things work-wise. I started to feel happy and content being on my own without having to deal with his immaturity. HOWEVER, after 6 months of getting better, lately I have relapsed big time. Throughout these months, I never denied that I missed him. I employed Buddhist techniques and didn't try to fight it but only "observed" it. It seemed to work. It's just now that, perhaps triggered by some emotional situations in the family, I find myself missing him like no end now and it's really hurting. I cry so much now everyday (although have to admit that it's partly because of what's happening in the family... there's some major arguments) and it's still hard for me to accept that I have to be strangers permanently with someone who I had considered my best friend. I have no intention in contacting him though. It would only hurt more, but I feel somewhat hopeless about how I will progress. I have already done everything: NC, talk to friends, spend time with family, write things down in a diary, sports, work, etc. But it still seems like there's no end and I am sinking into a new low. Any advices/stories to share about relapses before being fully healed? Link to comment
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