Tell me what's going on ...should i disappear ?

[Gullwing]

Hi guys, My girlfriend and I have problems.

 

First some quick background details have been together for almost 4 years...her mother hates me to death , and would never approve of me ( because im from a different ethnic background ) , so we have been seeing each other in hiding from her mom after about 6 month of dating. And ever since , we have had breakups on a regular basis almost like clockwork...but everytime we break up , we miss each other and go back.

 

Two years ago she was telling me she loves me and she wanted marriage.

now she tells me she doesnt love me , but she likes me a lot and that she sees no future with me.

 

Naturally when I heard that , I told her we should be friends , because as much as I love her , I cant be with a girl who doesnt love me and who doesnt see a future with me...

 

So I told her let's be friends. That means no more sex. I love her and it hurts me to be her friend but I was going along with it anyways...so the next thing she does is she comes over and she seduces me and we have sex and makes me think that we got back together...then the same cycle repeats itself...

 

Is she just using me for sex ??? I asked her that , and she said no , that she still has feelings for me , and she just wants to be with me right now.

 

then she comes up with stuff like : "since my mom would never approve of you, we should start dating other people while being together...." and when i hear that I always tell her that if she wants to date other guys then I cannot be with her intimately , and i tell her no sex , only friends...so i try to date , and she gets mad jealous , then she comes over then she seduces me and she sleeps with me , then again i think she is coming back to me , so i ask her so does that mean your not gonna date other guys ? so she says no, she will date other guy and she breaks my heart again ... i feel like a friggin YO-YO here.....

 

Every time we get back together for a week , i try to communicate with her and see what she is feeling and I ask her why can't she go out with ME instead of other guys , she tells me im pushing her and im being selfish.........

 

 

Sorry for this very incoherent post , but maybe you got the picture by now ?

I am thinking I should maybe disappear for a few weeks , to let her think on her own , to get to a conclusion , either she will miss me or she will leave me... but every time i tell her i want to disappear she freaks out and she tells me that i am selfish because i am leaving right away if things are not my way....I can't force myself to leave her alone for a few weeks because her dad is dead long time ago and she is very lonely and she needs someone to talk to on the phone and stuff.....

 

Am I becoming a friend of convenience ? she talks to me when shes lonely , she sleeps with me when she's horny...but she promised herself not to love me because of her mother ?????

 

How can I get a definitive answer...i am getting too tired of this....

[mandrews1119]

Hello, Gullwing,

 

I was reading your reply to someone else and the saw your post. It's weird and hard to follow the advice that we often know we should (myself definitely included), but here is my two cents worth. Do not give up!! You seem to know what you should do, and continue to stick to it as best you can. We are all human, and often the heart will lead you to be fragile (not necessarily weak) and slip up. Especially when it is with someone you love. It sounds to me like you just need a solid plan to try to stick to, and remember with love, and with women, it takes time. Only YOU can dtermine how much time. I really hate when people try to give other people a "time frame". No one knows your heart and relationship better than you do. In time, there will come a "window of opportunity" where you and your lady will be able to relate, reason, and decide. Make sure when that happens that you have a course to follow without her thinking you are trying to push her. from there love will take its course. Best of luck.

[kuhl282000]

Dear Enotalone Friend

 

I'm sorrry for your confusion. I understand the Yo-Yo concept, and I have found that over time after all the up's and downs the string will at some point break. Sounds like you are at that point. After reading your post let me start by saying, your girlfriend sounds really confused. You are either in a conmmitted relationship or your not. I could never be friends with my ex knowing she was dating and sleeping around. Not after what we shared. As far as the mother, she needs to be out of the picture. You guys are over 18 and would be able to make up your own minds. The mother is just an excuse. As far as letting her pop in and out of your life the way she does, we'll shame on you. You need to lay down some ground rules. Why would you want to invest anymore time with someone that has told you straight out. I don't love you anymore and we have no future together. That is pretty straight-up if you ask me. Sometime the ex sex thing is just a way to string you along. A part of her wants you, and a part of her does not want anyone else to have you. Even though she says otherwise. The break-up make-up thing is nothing more than a sick pattern you guys have let yourselves get trapped into. And the trap is working at present for the both of you. My mom used to tell me when you have a tough decesion to make..Do the 3 D's #1 Make a decesion #2 Do it and #3 Don't look back ....try it ,it works. I have done this process many times. Stop the Yo-Yo, that is a toy for schoolyard play. And has no part in grown relationships.

 

Good Luck

Kuhl

[Maverick44]

Gullwing,

 

I don't know about the reason why her mother hates you but you just described the exact situation I was in with my recent ex-gf.

 

My ex-gf and I were also very much in love. Around 6 months she began mentioning me to her mom but her mom was against me because I was latino. My ex had the same suggestion, dating and also dating other people, even though she would always say that she loved me during the whole time. She wanted to be with me but she had to see if her mom would change her mind. It was very important to her for her mom to accept me.

 

Unfortunately, the ex is an ex for a reason. However, I think that you need to cut the cord on your current girl. I speak from experience. I tried cutting the cord on my ex but we did talk and got back together but things still fell apart. It's been a tough process.

 

I think you have to walk away with your head up and know that this is something that is truly out of your hands. I know that this mine was something out of my hands. It doesn't take away the pain. It hurts terribly but I know that these were not my issues. My issues have just been dealing with the pain.

 

Good luck to you and you can PM me if you'd like.

 

Take care,

 

Maverick

[Mar]

I would have to say you're being used, plain and simple. She wants to have her cake and eat it too (I get SO sick of that expression, but it fits so well) in saying to date others, yet getting jealous when you do, yet using you for sex, yet wanting no commitment, yet......you see where I'm going here?

 

You have to make a final split....no contact, no weakening; show her you mean business. Every time you go back and fall back into having sex with her again, or ask her about the status of the relationship and whether it's changed, you're giving her a clear signal that you're still waiting for her and willing to be her willing doormat. Because every time she pushes your buttons and comes back to you with her sneaky ways and squirms her way into your bed, she also knows she's keeping you at her beck and call, and that's not fair to you.

 

I think you've figured out that the friendship thing isn't going to work. Which means drastic measures until she can own up to the fact that she's being VERY selfish in this relationship and showing you no respect whatsoever. In order to save your pride and a shred of dignity, let her go completely. No e-mails, no calls to see how she's doing, nothing. Talk to her once more and let her know that, for your own sake, you're letting her go so you can get on with YOUR life, since she's keeping you in this emotional limbo where you can't go forward and you can't go back. Does that sound right to you? Didn't think so. And if she can't understand that, then she's just as needing of this break as you are. It could be that she's gotten so comfortable at playing this game that she sees no harm in it, for whatever odd reason. Don't let her do this to you anymore. It's YOUR life, and your happiness. It's about time you were able to get something more out of it than being held on a leash!

 

Mar