Gullwing

Thank you guys for your kindness and your replies. This is to answer some of your questions : Regarding my affection to her, i always showed affection, but not excessively so, i was not clingy or needy. I sent her flowers once, and gave her a red rose a few times, I even drew a portrait for her as a gift and her mother took it from her and framed it because she didnt want her to throw it in the garbage in case we broke up ( we laughed at that because we "were never gonna break up" )...I told her that i loved her often...and that she is the smartest prettiest woman i ever met...so it was definitely not the case of a lack of affection. The only time i acted cold was when she broke up with me....cold as a stone in fact. It really shocked her because she wrote me an email saying that i must have known something was wrong so thats why i didnt get it as a shock. As far as communication goes I think we were communicating as best as we could and we were not afraid of being honest with each other. After I proposed to her two weeks ago she kinda shocked me by saying she thought our relationship was not going well and that she is shocked by my proposal and she feels so guilty for thinking that we were not going well...but we both talked about it and agreed it was the long-distance effect and had plans to move in together this summer. As for her friend's email I dont think it was meant with good intentions, I think her friend just wanted me to talk to her and convince her of having an abortion so that she won't be stuck with a fatherless kid. But I know i have no say in this issue whatsoever, especially not now. I was always supportive of the unplanned pregnancy and told her that even though it was not a convenient time , i would not push for an abortion and I would take responsibilty and support her always and never leave her or cheat on her or be bad to her.

It's been exactly one week since it happened. I am feeling an almost irresistible need to contact her and in an effort to fight it I decided to write and share whats happening with you. It was a long distance relationship. I am still poor and studying but she is financially independent and a nurse. She would come see me at least once a month for the past 8 months. There was tension on and off but she seemed to be smarter than most women i met and told me she realises it was the long-distance effect and that we should be patient and we can work it out. we chatted on msn or talked on the phone daily. She was the one who chased me at first. I was rejecting her initially because i was afraid of being hurt. But she kept reassuring me that she would never hurt me , and i ended up beleiving her....and slowly i started to open up to her and our intimacy grew day by day. in the last month, the tension from the long distance was beginning to damage us, she was having doubts , we were having silly fights and arguments , but it did not seem so critical. In an effort to prove to her that I am committed , I proposed to her over MSN and she said YES. She was supposed to be here last sunday to meet me and wear my ring but she came and dumped me instead. I knew it was coming. Because after I proposed and she said yes, it was good for a week , then 5 days before we were supposed to meet she started acting strange. she didnt reply to my sms, she didnt call, and she told me she wanted to go clubbing , which was something we both agreed on doing only together... but nevertheless she came last sunday , and i went to meet her. I was ready and she didnt know. I could see the nervousness in her actions...and i told her to get straight to the point.... She said she thinks we should break up... On the outside , i smiled , i was a rock......but on the inside everything just tumbled down at that moment....everything just got numb.... I told her ok then i guess i gotta go and got up to leave, she grabbed me and asked me to let her explain.... i was still acting very strong....and it shocked her to see me unmoved....she expected drama....begging...crying.....but all she got was my smirk and my carefree attitude and she bought it hook line and sinker , even though my real feelings were .... i wish i was not born. she started saying she met another man , and i cut her off , told her there is no need to explain , i wish her the best and if thats what she wants then i agree.....she said : u never loved me anyways... i took the ring out of my pocket and put it on the table...and went straight for the door...as calm as a horse.....she ran after me....handed me the ring....i took it and never looked back.........her last words were : have a nice life ( in a mocking tone ). needless to say, i smoked 3 packs of cigarettes that night and did not sleep for two days. She sent me a last goodbye via email... which made me hurt a lot. I did not reply. then her friend emailed me and asked me to please work it out and talk to her , but i did not reply. It's been exactly one week now, and I cannot cry. I tried to cry but I just couldnt do it... I still don't get it...this action of hers contradicted everything she ever said to me before. and why did she grab me and stop me from leaving if she really wanted me gone ? and why does her friend ask ME to work it out , when in fact it is HER who dumped me ? I want to call her....hear her voice....tell her to quit this insanity....i have never done her anything wrong... but i was advised against. I want her back....but can she possibly be hurt by the fact that I did not show emotions when she dumped me ? My friend told me that my reaction was worse to her than what she did to me because it seemed like i never really cared....and he said maybe in this case i should email her........ but i am afraid if i email her it will be a sign of weakness , and it will be the final nail in my coffin......i know women dont respect weak men. Should i carry on with the no contact or should i tell her how i really feel... thanks for reading.good night.

Hi guys, My girlfriend and I have problems. First some quick background details have been together for almost 4 years...her mother hates me to death , and would never approve of me ( because im from a different ethnic background ) , so we have been seeing each other in hiding from her mom after about 6 month of dating. And ever since , we have had breakups on a regular basis almost like clockwork...but everytime we break up , we miss each other and go back. Two years ago she was telling me she loves me and she wanted marriage. now she tells me she doesnt love me , but she likes me a lot and that she sees no future with me. Naturally when I heard that , I told her we should be friends , because as much as I love her , I cant be with a girl who doesnt love me and who doesnt see a future with me... So I told her let's be friends. That means no more sex. I love her and it hurts me to be her friend but I was going along with it anyways...so the next thing she does is she comes over and she seduces me and we have sex and makes me think that we got back together...then the same cycle repeats itself... Is she just using me for sex ??? I asked her that , and she said no , that she still has feelings for me , and she just wants to be with me right now. then she comes up with stuff like : "since my mom would never approve of you, we should start dating other people while being together...." and when i hear that I always tell her that if she wants to date other guys then I cannot be with her intimately , and i tell her no sex , only friends...so i try to date , and she gets mad jealous , then she comes over then she seduces me and she sleeps with me , then again i think she is coming back to me , so i ask her so does that mean your not gonna date other guys ? so she says no, she will date other guy and she breaks my heart again ... i feel like a friggin YO-YO here..... Every time we get back together for a week , i try to communicate with her and see what she is feeling and I ask her why can't she go out with ME instead of other guys , she tells me im pushing her and im being selfish......... Sorry for this very incoherent post , but maybe you got the picture by now ? I am thinking I should maybe disappear for a few weeks , to let her think on her own , to get to a conclusion , either she will miss me or she will leave me... but every time i tell her i want to disappear she freaks out and she tells me that i am selfish because i am leaving right away if things are not my way....I can't force myself to leave her alone for a few weeks because her dad is dead long time ago and she is very lonely and she needs someone to talk to on the phone and stuff..... Am I becoming a friend of convenience ? she talks to me when shes lonely , she sleeps with me when she's horny...but she promised herself not to love me because of her mother ????? How can I get a definitive answer...i am getting too tired of this....

First let me say I am sorry things had to come to this between you and your girl. I , like many others , have been there before, and I know its not easy. To answer your question , your girl wouldn't say to you she would never wants to see you again even if that is the truth. So don't make any assumptions. Her cold and cruel reaction to your advances is all too familiar...and I tell you right now , STOP pushing her away if you want any chance of getting her back. I know that is the hardest thing to do... I know that you are telling yourself that you have to call her so she can see that you love her, but STOP if you don't want to ruin it. If you have any chance at all of getting back together, you have to make the most of that chance : 1- you gotta stop calling. you already tried and it doesnt work. 2-you gotta start all over with yourself , so she can see again what she first saw in you that made her go out with you in the beginning. 3-you can cry at home and be depressed at home , but never let her see that negative vibe. 4-disappear for a bit , make her miss you , and at the same time , try going out with friends or even dating. ( dont understimate jealousy) 5-Assume the worse : that it's over. so you can make peace with yourself , and this way project positive vibes to her. I wish you luck my friend , be strong. shes not stronger than you. she will realize what she lost.

update. she agreed to meet me and the meeting went bad i think...she was rather cold towards me...gave my heart a frost bite. I gave her back her cellphone ( it was a gift from me but needed repair ) and i gave her cute wool socks because i know her feet get cold at night , but most of all i gave her a letter. 4 pages, detailing my fears of meeting her and losing her and apologizing for everything and telling her how much i love her. I couldnt hold back , I'm a big guy , 6 feet tall , broad shoulders and athletic body , almost intimidating , but...i was basically crying in front of her the whole time...she gave me a napkin. something must have worked , because she called me that day. right after i made peace with myself and i was ready to let go of her she calls. after that day , i guess she forgave me for spying on her , and she was talking to me daily on the phone again. I know you advise the no contact thing , but i can't do it. I can't play these games. Call me weak if you want, but i just missed her voice too much. its been a week of daily phone contact , and she asked me to sleep with her again. I said no , the girl i want to make love to is a girl who is mine and not dating other guys....but she kept insisting and asking and begging...she told me she doesnt have feelings for the other guy ....i asked her if she has any feelings for me and she said yes...so i agreed. And today I slept with her. After a nightmarish month , I got the chance to make love to her and feel her close to me....she was warm , nice , playful , talkative ...i forgot today that we're officially not together. And then it hit me. Whatever pain and sadness i have felt , she must have felt it 10 times greater , because she is in a dilemma of her own....she loves me and she wants to be with me , but her mother hates me and will never accept me. And at this time of her life , she cannot risk losing her mother, not after losing her dad ( he died ). I understood her pain. So now , i am not begging her anymore , I am not pushing her to come back to me anymore , even though i want it more than ever....I just want her to stop suffering , and if that means leaving me then so be it. true love requires sacrifice. i told her i will always be here for her if she needs anything. maybe today was a goodbye. maybe today is a new chance for us. whatever it is , i will always love her. peace.

Update... I just called her. I ask her to meet me....she was reluctant at first but she agreed after a bit. What are the do's and don't in this case ????? Is there something I should avoid talking about ??? SHould I tell her I love her ???? I basically want to tell her I love her very much , and I m sorry and that I will leave her alone and that she can call me if she ever needs anything.... I'm so scared....I don't wanna blow this chance. any advice is appreciated.

thanks bdub...... it's been two days since i last spoke to her ....2 days and counting.... I cannot call her this time. Before , when we break up , i would call her back...but not this time ...I cannot. because she said she would call the police if i ever tried to contact her again. I dont know if she's serious or if shes just mad or if she was just trying to cover up the conversation in front of her mother. All i know , is that time is passing ....while i last here another day and I am afraid that once the non-calling period goes beyond one week , then it means shes gone for good... 2 long days. i think im being realistic to think that after a week , it's over. 4 years of my life. I gave her the world and she gave me nothing but a question mark.

Ok guys...i think i did it....i ruined it ....i f*ucked up.... I spied on her....she said she was gonna be downtown with her mother but instead she went somewhere else... i walked up to her and told her to enjoy downtown... it went bad....she went crazy on me ...she said now she's afraid of me...she said she was gonna come back to me but now that i did this ...its not gonna happen... I never ever spied on her before during the whole of our 4 years relationship..... I just came back home...i left her a message saying im sorry and i didnt know what i was doing and i hope she will forgive me and that i will understand if she never forgives me and that i will always love her. I cant take this anymore...........

guys, thank you again for replying... we are talking every day on the phone now , we're still not together, but she's telling me that she doesnt like the other guy....that she's not even returning his calls. I always tell her she should come back to me when she brings this up. But i never bring it up on my own , I just keep the conversation casual and light , and funny. I make sure i don't talk to her when I am in a sad mood... She asked me to sleep with her again...and again I told her no , only if you come back to me because I don't want a casual thing, and I need her in my life. I gathered up all of my courage and actually told her to go and sleep with him if sex is what she wants , but I made it clear that if she does sleep with someone else , I will never take her back or forgive her. Again she said she wants to be with me but she can't because of her mom... Guys I am afraid I will push her away by refusing to sleep with her...I feel very tempted to say yes , and sleep with her, I miss her smell...her hair...the warmth of her body....GODDDDD.............. I am still very attracted physically to her.... and a voice inside my head is telling me that maybe my best chance to get her back is to sleep with her....this way she will stay close and intimate with me and re-kindle her love to me.... will she lose some respect for me if i said yes ? I wish that none of you guys ever has to find himself in a situation like mine.

bdub and morrigan , thank you for replying. bdub, answering your question about that guy she "dated" : I specifically asked her if she kissed him or if she held his hand, and she said that he tried to but she did not let him. I believe her. Should I consider this as cheating ? I personally believe it's too extreme to call it cheating but nevertheless I let her know that I am just not happy about it, and that it is wrong. If she told me she slept with him or even just kissed him or held his hand I don't think I would be trying to get her back now. I keep telling myself that this attachment to the mother is a phase that will pass because her dad is no longer with her. sooner or later she is going to want to be independent again and she's gonna realise that she can't let her mom run her life. that's what I am hoping for. and that's why i am convinced i should try and get her back. My problem now is that I told her not to call me again unless she wants me back. I could feel her sadness when I said that , and it made me even more sad. Then a friend tells me that usually when you become friends with your ex, it always leads to a relationship again. because you spend time with each other and you talk to each other a lot.... to be or not to be. to break contact until she comes back or to play friends and start all over ?????? which way will get her back...to me ? Since I already told her not to call , should I stick with my word and hope that she will cal me again ? or should I call her back and offer to be friends again...which is going to hurt....unless I know it will bring her back ... I wish i was made of stone.

Update. We started talking on the phone again. I asked her if there is a chance of us getting back together, but she is being evasive about it. She's saying she wants to come back to me but she can't , especially because her mother hates me. This is tearing me apart. If we don't get back together, we will be miserable, and if we get back together, her mother will make her life miserable. To make things worse , her Dad is dead , so she only has her mother. And she's saying stuff like she will never leave her mother , even if she gets married... Well I love my mother a lot too, but i just can't see how a mother can interfere in those things, it's just not right. It's one thing for a mother to voice her opinion , but it's a different thing to actively try and force their sons/daughters to do something....especially when it comes to relationships... Do you see my dilemma now ? I want her back. I know that my best chance to get her back is to cut off all contact until she can't stand being without me . If I keep talking to her on the phone , I am slowly but surely helping her get over me, and becoming a "friend". Tonight i told her not to call me anymore. I told her to call me only if she wants me back, because it hurts to hear her voice. Is that too extreme ? She said I am a 'user' . Am i really no better than her mother by telling her that ? Trying to force her to come back to me ??? I don't want to cause her any more problems. I love her and it hurts me to see her like this. At the same time , I love her and I want her back. Did I do the right thing by cutting off contact ?will she come back to me ?or will she think I m being selfish for refusing to be her friend ? Can someone put an end to this torture please.....help me do the right thing to get her back...

Man, Maybe you were too nice to the girl. You put her on a pedestal. You need to show her that you are a man, not a boy. I think you let Sam off too easily. If one of my friends did this to me I would at least have a fist fight with him. Whatever you do , do not try to contact her now. It will only push her away, she will think you are trying to control her emotions. You must work on yourself. You must make yourself more desirable than Sam. Get your life together. Sooner or later she will realise what she lost , and she will come back to you. But No girl wants a nice little boy that does everything they want. I tried it and I got burned every time. Deep down , you know what to do. This did not happen overnight, you have to think as far back as a few months. Be a man. Show her that you got your life together and that YOU WILL GET OVER her if she doesn't come back to you. Start talking to girls in school. Do something you always wanted but never had the time to , like fitness training or body building or another hobby. Remember, what makes guys desirable is their happiness. It flows from themand attracts girls. Your relationship with her became routineand the fire was dying for her. She's growing up and changing and the only way to get her back is to keep up with that change. Best of Luck to you. Remember, if she really may not deserve you after all.

Dear Friends, I have been lurking in these forums for a week now. And this is my first post. I have had a troublesome relationship with my gf of 4 years. Mainly thanks to her mother who always pressures her to leave me. But that is not the issue now. She broke up wih me one week ago. Thanks to this forum, I was able to weather the storm quite nicely. Of course there was the pain , the begging, feeling worthless , but these forums really make a difference. She broke up with me because I wasnt giving her enough attention. I tried explaining that I am at a stressful time in my life especially with all the exams at the university, but it didn't matter. She was already seeing someone else. She said things to me that cut like a thousand knives. I still wanted her back. I followed the advice of this forum and it works. Yesterday I spent more than an hour on the phone with her just talking. That's bad right ? I shouldn't talk to her for that long unless she comes back to me ? She told me she did not touch the other guy. And that she did not sleep with him. And she asked if she can sleep with me. I said no. Was she trying to come back to me by asking this ? Was I right to say no ? We are officially just friends now. How do I get her back completely ? I don't want to get stuck in the "friends" thing. Any advice is much appreciated. You guys have already helped me more than you know. Thank You Gullwing